Sick of the whole kit and kaboodle that goes with being a SP now, love my partner but I'm so miserable

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

DPs DD is 6, I've known her since she was two years old. DP and I also have a DD who turned 2 recently.
DP has always over indulged DSD, she knows that she can behave badly when he's here and get away with it. If she has a tantrum he will kiss her and cuddle her instead of ignoring which reenforces her bad behaviour and over time she has become a real brat.

We've had her for the majority of the summer holidays so far but on a normal week we will have her Friday night through to Sunday afternoon. DP is at work so I'm doing most of the childcare for DSD and DD. I get no help around the house, if DP is here DSD will just throw empty wrappers on the floor, refuse to put her toys away etc but if it's inly me here she will do as asked.
She won't let anybody near DP, if DD goes up for a cuddle from him DSD will hit and kick and lash out until DD gets the message and backs off. She will sit and hump her dads leg, passionately kiss him etc and it really does make me feel queasy. She's very jealous although she gets a lot more attention from DP than DD ever does. He makes more of an effort to be around a bit more when DSD is here. If she isn't here hen he's usually at work before DD wakes up and doesn't arrived home until DD is in bed.

She is absolutely awful to DD, hitting, shoving, kicking just being generally very nasty. The thing I find really sad is that at two years old DD has already learnt that if DSD is here then she doesn't get attention off her daddy, she doesn't get a cuddle, kiss, hug anything. I've told him he needs to treat them both the same because they're going to end up really resenting each other and hes said he doesn't want to upset DSD by cuddling DD I front of her which I find really sad.
I love him but I'm sick of being taken for granted, I'm sick of the nastiness, the hitting, the ungratefulness, the disrespect and having to put up with the whinging. I have very little tolerance for her anymore.

Your problem is your partner not your DSD.

Your DSD's problem is also her father.

Wow, you are really not in a good place OP! I don't know what to suggest because it appears your DH will allow any outrageous behaviour, for a quiet life with his elder daughter! Honestly, I think you're onto one hell of a loser if you stay with him, because it's highly unlikely that you or anyone else will ever change his blinkered outlook on parenting his child! I feel desperately sorry for the child as her upbringing has obviously affected her deeply, but I can also imagine how bloody awful the situation is for you! And at the end of the day, your child's happiness, safety and well being is your responsibility, not your step child's!

Just want to second what WannaBe is saying. I work with victims of sexual abuse and the sexualised behaviour you describe is a massive red flag. You are there, you say it makes you feel queasy - trust your instincts, something is not right. The fact that your DP is not horrified by this and setting boundaries is very worrying.

Please take this seriously and do what you need to to protect your 2 year old (and get help for your DSD).

Presumably OP is parenting her own child and has an idea of how she wants to do that.

Stop going about "disciplining" you sound obsessed with it, yet are clueless about how damaging your "discipline" techniques are and would certainly be with this child.

Doing things your way is not communicating with your child, you're not positively working towards a better outcome, you're just showing her I am bigger and stronger than you and I can make you do what I want. I wouldn't treat a dog the way you describe. Google authoritarian parenting and the damage it can do. Your child is stuck with you sadly, stop passing on damaging advice to others in difficult situations.

I think the key to your dh's appalling parenting is guilt.

If you can talk about his guilt - but more importantly - get him to think through the effect that is having on his dd, then perhaps he will see that he is doing her absolutely no good in allowing all this very negative and poor behaviour.

It is actually making her unhappy when he is around. He needs to resolve that behaviour with firm and consistent kindness.

If he struggles to do that, then a parenting course could help enormously.

He needs to stop putting his own feelings of guilt and his need to overcompensate first and start thinking about what his dd needs from him as a father to grown into a healthy happy child.

As for the sexualised behaviours, I wouldn't see that as a symptom of abuse or inappropriate exposure necessarily But wherever it comes from (and that needs exploring) he should be steeping up and dealing with it by telling his dd to stop it.

You poor thing OP, sounds a v v stressful situation to live in. Can you get away for at least a short break?

Just saying without further info it's hard to tell whether it is actually sexualised behaviour, or just a normal boisterous father child relationship that is more physical than op is used to so looks strange to her.

The kissing is passionate on the lips, not lots of little kisses. He does try and tell her to stop when she humps his leg but ignores the kissing. I don't think she's been abused, I think she's just very insecure and is marking her territory by being all over him. She gets one on one time with DP whilst I'm at work (3 mornings a week) which is more than DD gets.

She tried to kick me out of bed again last night and after a discussion earlier in the evening with DP, he actually stepped up and told her that she had her own big girl bed and that we all stay in our respective beds all night. We had uncontrollable sobbing, everybody awake etc but she DID stay in her bed which is a first.

I agree with those commenting about the disciplinarian techniques suggested but some posters. I think she's passed the naughty step stage, we tried that when she was younger (although I was the only one who was consistent with it) her mum told DP that they used to lock her in the downstairs toilet but I can't say I agree with that either .

If I'm on my own with her and she's misbehaving, I can have a quiet word with her but let her know that her behaviour is unacceptable and that I won't stand for it. If her dad is added to the equation then there is just no reasoning with her, shes like a different child and gets aggressive and rude towards me because she KNOWS that I will try and diffuse the situation and she feels as though DP is there backing her up, which essentially he is. He's encouraging her bad behaviour.

Another (fairly trivial) example was tea time last night. I'd done a lasagne and we'd been to the beach for the afternoon with my friend whilst DP was busy working. I dished hers up before her dad got back because she's will eat so much better if he isn't present. She did really well, even tried some of her veg, her dad arrives home and straight away she's climbing all over him whilst he's trying to eat his dinner. She left about a quarter of her food on her plate and said that she wasn't hungry anymore about 5 minutes after he came home, which is fine, if she's full, she's full. I don't then expect her to start picking at her dad's dinner so I said "sweetheart, don't pick at daddy's dinner whilst he's trying to eat, he's been working hard all day blah blah blah, you've still got some dinner left on your plate so you don't need to eat daddy's." She completely ignored me and carried on, looking at me whilst she did it because she knew that her dad wasn't going to tell her off, he just sat their smiling!

Yes, your husband is definitely the problem. He can't be disney dad with one daughter while ignoring the other one, that's APPALLING!!

Obviously the child has picked up on the issues and, being a child, is getting away with whatever she can, whenever she can. Her mother either doesn't give a shit about her DD's welfare, or is enjoying the drama it's creating at your house - either way, you're not likely to get any back up from her.

So the only port of call to change this is your soddingly stupid H. He is ruining his daughters, in different ways - I'm amazed he can't see that. Lack of normal (not abusive) discipline is in no way helpful to a small child - they need boundaries for security, so his failure to provide normal boundaries is increasing her insecurity, not helping her. And I can't even imagine what it's doing to your younger DD :(

Does he actually know how to be a father? What's he like with your 2yo when your DSD isn't there?

Agree with ThumbWitches. Also what's going to happen when your DD gets old enough to notice the discrepancy in behaviour of her father towards his two daughters .

She has been locked in a down stairs toilet when she was younger no wonder she is insecure and needy.

op none of this is her fault. She is six. Your looking at it from the wrong angle. She is blameless. This is all her parents fault.

Im not wholly convinced this is sexualised behaviour BUT if it is you should be finding out where it is coming from. You should be pointing it out to DP and getting him to find out where it's coming from. Looking at his reaction and what he has to say about it. If I thought it was 100% sexualised I'd phone SS or speak to the school or GP anybody but I wouldn't be on here calling her a brat.

When she did that with his tea he should of of pulled her tea over and the side of his plate and asked her to start on her own. But saying that my dd eats of her DF plate and he doesn't mind.

I think your focusing on the wrong points of what she is doing rather than why she is doing it. Reading back through your posts it strikes me that she is really unhappy and insecure and needs somebody proffesional to speak to. Her behavour is a symptom of what she is feeling inside. She is six.

Your DP really needs to man up and deal with his eldest rather than just letting it play out. Other wise I'd be off. I wouldnt stick around to let him damage your youngest dd who is being shown damaging behaviours of your dp.

Family counselling.

But she does know how to behave because she does with me! This is the frustrating thing. I've already said that I know ineffectual parenting is the reason why she does what she does.
I know that this is not her fault but she still has to learn which behaviours are acceptable and which are not, regardless she still has to be given boundaries for her own sake which is what I'm trying to do and it's working when she's with me.

As for the sexual behaviour towards DP, I stand by what I said - DP is no child abuser! She has a SF at her mums house whom she doesn't talk about a lot, we don't know much about him and they live over 20 miles away. But I'm not pointing the finger at him, it could easily be something she's seen on TV. We recently found out that she has her own TV in her bedroom at her DM's house (which I also don't really agree with) so she could have easily inadvertently watched something inappropriate.

Her DM put the TV in her bedroom because she kept getting out of bed so it's used to keep her in her own room.

I think she sounds massively anxious with regards to her Dad because he doesn't parent her or set boundaries in a consistent way, she simply doesn't know where she is with him the clinginess and obsessive behaviour towards him shows that.

Your DP is behaving shockingly towards his child, I am not convinced there's sexual abuse tbh. What about when she's with her Mum though, could anything be going on there?

Personally I couldn't stomach witnessing this and I would not stay in the relationship. I simply couldn't love or find attractive such an ineffectual negligent father. So that's what would do. Tell him to step up or I would be gone. I doubt he wants to or is able to sadly.

1. I don't think 6 is too old for the naughty step, you just have to manage it in a different way - i.e. she can decide how long she stays there, or you give her a timer or something.

2. if my dp allowed dss to eat his dinner while not eating his own I would kill him with a carving knife. Or at least seriously main him.

dp doesn't always agree with the things I ask dss to do (e.g. [and as mentioned funnily enough on another thread] sitting straight at the table, holding his knife and fork properly, not spearing food and eating it off his fork like a lollipop, not allowing his cutlery to get covered in food and thus his hands covered in food and grease and then his glass/the table/anything else he touches being covered in grease.....he's 14) but he wouldn't undermine me saying them.
I told dss last night that if I found one more crisp packet in his room he would be moving out to the box room. And I mean it, I am fed up of his room being full of actual rubbish. And we have a rule against eating in the bedrooms. I also said next time I would take a photo of his room and post it on facebook for all his mates to laugh at.

She kisses him passionately and he doesn't challenge it.

Why not? That is really concerning.

well, "locking" a child in a downstairs toilet might not actually be as awful as it sounds and could in fact just be referring to putting a child in time-out which involves moving the child to a room where they are safe and leaving them there for a set number of minutes "according to their age." And yes, the same could have applied to the poster who made her child face the wall. It basically takes the child away from the situation they're in and allows the child (and the parent) some space to snap out of the tantrum. It's no different from the naughty step except the naughty step gives the child the ability to run off and repeatedly have to be placed back there. Putting a child in a separate room doesn't give them that chance. Plus the "naughty" step has different connotations because it has the words "naughty" related to it which have their own connotations.

This is the difference between the methods of jo frost (aka super nanny who has no training) and Tania Byron (child psychologist). The former advocates the "naughty" step, talk of being "naughty, unacceptable, bad, etc" whereas the latter believes in the time-out method in order to take the child away from the situation and to learn that behaving in an unacceptable manner will not gain them attention. I know which one I would choose.

Tbh I do agree that this child has no boundaries from her dad, but I would now take this opportunity to lay down the law and tell him that you will be enforcing the boundaries from now on and that certain behaviours will not be tolerated. And he can either back you up or you will be leaving, with your dd.

Locking a child in a small room IS as awful as it sounds!! Why do you think prisoners are locked in small room......because it is terrifying and an awful experience! This little girl is 6 yo FFS and she is being severely punished due to behaviour which isn't her fault. Lock her bloody father in a small room until he learns to parent better!

OP she behaves better with you because she knows where she stands, you give her boundaries which mean she is relaxed. Her Behaviour around her father is due to the anxiety she feels.
Yes I agree she needs to be kept in check when she miss behaves but there are more less damaging ways to do this.
Your DH is the one who needs "training" because no matter what you try and do it will always be cancelled out when dad gets home.

Please try to explain to him how much damage he is causing his DD. Anxiety around relationships and boundaries at this age will affect her in adulthood if nothing is done. Is that what he wants?

You have my sympathies OP as does this poor child.

motherlicker - you said this "I know that this is not her fault but she still has to learn which behaviours are acceptable and which are not, regardless she still has to be given boundaries for her own sake which is what I'm trying to do and it's working when she's with me."

And yes, you have just proven exactly what I and others are saying - that it is not the child's fault because she can learn how to behave when set appropriate boundaries, which only you do in your home.
Her behavioural issues when her father is around are almost entirely down to his inability to set boundaries - and he has to accept this, and accept that he is fucking her up good and proper by not doing it.

She is not going to be able to learn appropriate behaviour consistently, unless she is given consistent boundaries. She knows what she can and can't get away with when with you, she also knows that she can get away with MUCH MORE when her father is around because of his ineffectualness.

HE IS THE PROBLEM.

Yes keep doing what you are doing because no one can say you didnt try your best. The thing I will say is my Husband and I have a relationship worth having so if you stick with it then eventually that gets stronger and stronger even though the relationship with step kids dont which to me is more important.

Yes, yes let's just keep on whining in about the naughty step and discipline and sanctioning this child for behaviours that's she's never been shown are wrong by her parents. Honestly I am despairing at the limited thinking on this thread.

Good post wannabe

Sorrynicki but I couldn't condone the locking of a child in a toilet as wannabe has. It's totally unnecessary and humiliating, the dad needs to be feel cared for and treated well consistently not locked fgs.

Also 6 is a difficult age anyway with normal family backgrounds, poor little girl.

I meant the Dsd of course, sorry.