Sick of the whole kit and kaboodle that goes with being a SP now, love my partner but I'm so miserable

[Motherlickertellyflicker]

DPs DD is 6, I've known her since she was two years old. DP and I also have a DD who turned 2 recently.
DP has always over indulged DSD, she knows that she can behave badly when he's here and get away with it. If she has a tantrum he will kiss her and cuddle her instead of ignoring which reenforces her bad behaviour and over time she has become a real brat.

We've had her for the majority of the summer holidays so far but on a normal week we will have her Friday night through to Sunday afternoon. DP is at work so I'm doing most of the childcare for DSD and DD. I get no help around the house, if DP is here DSD will just throw empty wrappers on the floor, refuse to put her toys away etc but if it's inly me here she will do as asked.
She won't let anybody near DP, if DD goes up for a cuddle from him DSD will hit and kick and lash out until DD gets the message and backs off. She will sit and hump her dads leg, passionately kiss him etc and it really does make me feel queasy. She's very jealous although she gets a lot more attention from DP than DD ever does. He makes more of an effort to be around a bit more when DSD is here. If she isn't here hen he's usually at work before DD wakes up and doesn't arrived home until DD is in bed.

She is absolutely awful to DD, hitting, shoving, kicking just being generally very nasty. The thing I find really sad is that at two years old DD has already learnt that if DSD is here then she doesn't get attention off her daddy, she doesn't get a cuddle, kiss, hug anything. I've told him he needs to treat them both the same because they're going to end up really resenting each other and hes said he doesn't want to upset DSD by cuddling DD I front of her which I find really sad.
I love him but I'm sick of being taken for granted, I'm sick of the nastiness, the hitting, the ungratefulness, the disrespect and having to put up with the whinging. I have very little tolerance for her anymore.

What is her Dad like when you parent her? Does he allow it or does he whine about you being too hard on her? Seeing as he's so idle in other ways hopefully he might leave it to you. It seems that you have her enough that you could have some positive impact on her. I know her behaviour sounds dislikable but imagine a six year old you don't know and just read about, you'd want to help wouldn't you? What's she like at school?

Been where you are OP. Your partner HAS to help you and start parenting his daughter (actually both of them) equally and reasonably. You will always be on the back foot with your DSD as you are not her parent and she knows it. She is getting mixed messages about what behaviour is appropriate thanks to your DHs laziness and reluctance to deal with this. Have you considered Relate couple counselling?

I'm with JeSuis, her parents need to parent her.
The little girl is being neglected and her problems will only get worse.
I don't if I could retain any respect for my dp if he was such a terrible father.
He is a disgrace. I'd walk away to be honest.

She's generally pretty good at school, the teacher had a word about her temper once but apart from that she's doing well and behaving well too. He will sometimes reenforce what I say but other times he will undermine me and tell me to stop snapping at them which is part of the reason she acts so badly whe he's around. She knows that he will generally stick up for her no matter what. It's difficult to like her sometimes and I know she's only 6 and a product of all of this but it's grinding me down and I'm only being honest here.

It's no wonder you are fed up. The other adult in your relationship who is meant to be raising these children with you and particularly his poor DD is just not pulling his weight. The question is how long you tolerate it for. If he's really not prepared to change you won't be able to save her from the silly eating habits and the crazy lack of discipline and as you say, you're already resenting her. Time you made this crystal clear to him by any means possible.

It would grind anyone down, in addition there's your younger child that you must feel protective of too. I can see it's difficult. Your OP though was a litany of complaints about a six year old girl's behaviour, news of your ineffectual DP only came later, which is something that is far too often the case on this board - children being hugely criticised for behaviour that is a direct result of poor parenting and downright neglect.

Tbh I would have other concerns about this. The child's behavior is awful and clearly she is allowed to get away with it. However, screaming, pushing the op out, exhibiting sexual behavior towards her father which is going unchecked my concern would be that this man is in fact sexually abusing this child and will go on to do the same to op's dd.

A six year old learns this behavior from somewhere. Where is that?

If it was pure disobedience and brattish behavior I would say that the op is well within her rights to tell the child it is unacceptable. And no, I don't buy into this notion that only the parents can discipline the child - if she is living in the op's house then op should have the right to pull her up on her behavior. I wouldn't expect my xh's dp to tolerate bad behaviour from my ds while he is in their house... but sexualised behaviour needs to be challenged perhaps even on a professional level.

Op I would get your dd out of there and consider involving SS.

Wannabe said what I don't have to guts to say.
Is your dp not absolutely horrified about the passionate kissing and humping ?
He should be.

So now the DP is sexually abusing the child???

I kissed my father open mouthed once because I saw James Bond do it on telly. I can assure you personally that I wasn't abused by Roger Moore.

He told me immediately that that behaviour was for grown ups in love and not children.

It speaks volumes that the child behaves well with you alone and with school. She is pushing the boundaries to feel safe and protected. You and school provide rules and boundaries that she lives well within. Your DP and by the sounds of it, the ex are putting up no boundaries at all for the poor kid.

You are unhappy with her behaviour not the girl herself, keep telling her that and praising her good behaviour openly.

But tell him to pull up his big boy pants and father up.

It's totally weird behaviour I'm not denying, but we don't know the whole family situation before blaming the ops DP. Does the ex have a partner for example? Uncles, cousins, grandparents, family members? Watch inappropriate TV?

Is not not abusive for a father to allow his six year old to passionately kiss and hump his leg?
She didn't understand what's she doing and he is letting her do it.

Kids display inappropriate behaviour, adults are responsible for teaching them how to act properly. The fact that OP's DP is not correcting his DD is worrying, and I'd also be concerned about any sexual behaviour from a small child.

Yes but not correcting it, I agree is inappropriate as I said in my first post.

But ignoring it out of guilt, embarrassment, laziness, inability to parent doesn't equate to actually sexually abusing the child.

She may have picked up the behaviour from another family member or family friend.

But yes ignoring it is a form of abuse in itself.

But dear God is no one but you trying to parent this poor kid op? If you walk out what the hell will happen to her?

Of course this child's problems are down to her own two parents but OP has to have her spending large amounts of time in her home making life difficult for her and her 2yo! It's possible to realistically understand it's not the 6yo's fault, while still finding her unbearable and starting to get sick of it.

I'm always amazed by how many instances there are of stepfamilies where the new female partner ends up doing huge amounts of childcare for the stepchild/ren, as well as her own DC, on her own. That's bloody hard work let alone when the stepchild is spoilt and difficult and bullies their half-sibling (albeit not their own fault). I can understand why OP has had enough.

But OP I'd be issuing ultimatums to this bloke anyway. You get to provide free childcare for his DD but he doesn't do his share of the housework? Sod that!

If you walk out what the hell will happen to her?

Yes it would be tragic but OP is not actually responsible for all children who have rubbish parents. She has her own life and her own DD to think of.

Try Positive Reinforcement ; so every time yr dsd is doing something you LIKE her doing ,even just being quiet and reading or playing with her sister, then praise her to the skies, and try to ignore the negative stuff. It does work. Talk to your dp about it too.

And her own DD is suffering

It works for all children but dsd is the disturbed one atm. It will be benefit them all.

I would seriously consider a BIG chat with your partner - the situation sounds intolerable. The main big issues seem to be:

• inappropriate and over the top jealousy from the girl - it's doing her no good at all to feel like this is okay and normal. I think kids find security in limits - not the other way around. But it doesn't sound like your DP is willing/able to sort this out - unless you went to counselling?
• your own DD is being bullied already and this will get worse - and is in an unhealthy dynamic with her own father too.

I have also a DSD who acts like my OHs partner, and she's now 19 - it isn't as marked as yours but it doesn't get better unless it is tackled.

Where is the mother in all of this? Does she act like this with her? Maybe even speak to her if there is any chance of her being cooperative?

As I see if you have a few options:

• stay, go to counselling - and seriously consider changing the contact times/arrangements to protect time with you, your partner and your DC. Let your DP have more time on his own with DSD.
• leave.

You might well treat her kindly in RL but the way you have described her in here is very unkind, eg you describe the inappropriate sexual behaviour as "weird" rather than the angle of "what help does she need?" Or "why won't DP see a problem or do anything about it?"

As another poster has said, your posts are all about this child's behaviour, not your DP, who at best is handling it inappropriately. The poor child needs some proper help.

Why do you want to live with a man who is a shitty parent and does fuck all in the home?

Bosky I know it's not her responsibility at all. But I feel dreadfully sorry for this little kid.

So do I, but I'm just wary of the way men just opt out of responsibility and leave women to take it. OP is taking in a responsibility that isn't even hers (parenting this child properly) and it's costing her dearly.