Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

Oh indeed Usually...it's a very fine line to tread! I have quite a few issues with grown DSC, always have, but I have to a) pick my battles, and b) try to be constructive rather than accusatory, when attempting to discuss anything involving his DC, with DH!
Naturally, nobody wants to hear their DC criticised, but similarly nobody wants to have to live with unreasonable life situations, over which they feel they have no control/input. It's a balancing act, which is very easy to upset, not sure if I'll ever get it right!!!

Sorry, that should have been addressed to Dragons!!!

I tried to speak to DH after the kids went home, he looked at it from every angle but mine !

He just doesn't think sd could possibly be trying to cause a reaction! I told him to give 9yr olds more credit and said its not the first time she's done this to me (we had a situation a while ago where when I was in my one with her she would casually bring up my mum, point out she was dead and smirk) I brushed it off at first but it was very hurtful. Anyway, there's been a few other things this WE she did that makes me think there is more to it. It's not like I'm new, she only ever remembers me with her dad

Dragon thank you for starting this thread. I've been at my wits end about being a step mum and just to know that there are other people going through similar really helps. It is just so isolating at times!

Wdigin, whogives wsm and others - yes it is SO tricky, a real fine line balancing act. And I can't believe how often I've been targeted as the blame for problems and slated if I bring anything up, from the step kids, from the Ex, from DP at times, from society, even from this board! Sometimes it IS the Ex being horrible, somethings it IS the kids being self centred and just chucking all their resentment at you, and sometimes it IS DP being soft, guilt ridden and avoidinig facing up to any of it. And sometimes, it really ISN'T the step mums fault!!!

It can be totally overwhelming. Phew!!

Bananas...you said it! Hope you feel a bit better getting that off your chest, and knowing you're certainly not on your own....being a SM is a damn hard job!!

Hey yall :) mind if I join?

Here you go raebae30

Thanks Wdigin... - there is something about the SM role where we everyone else but us can vocalise feelings, so it can be a bit repressive! Yet we all need to vent somewhere. :-)

Oh thank you! That's much needed lol I do have a question tho..well I need advice actually. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years..I am a divorced mom of 3 and he's a divorced dad of 3. In the beginning of summer this yr, we got custody of his 3. So now there are 6 kids total in the house. Alot of kids!! So since his kids have moved in his 8 yr old daughter acts differently when her dad isn't around. If she does something wrong I usually just wait until her dad gets home before I go thru with punishment. Simce they moved in tho his daughter has bullied my 8 yr old daughter. But every time I tell her dad about it he doesn't believe a word I say. He will say something like...oh that's ridiculous she woul never do that. Yet will turn around and punish my daughter for what has daughter has done. What do I do?

raebae30 I would discpline DSC yourself as soon as bad behaviour happens and be quite clear that you will not stand for someone else to be bullied. Your own kid may be feeling very confused and low, wondering why the DSC is allowed to bully them. I would also keep a very close eye on the both of them to make sure they aren't left alone for a while.

Your DP needs to work with you, and if it continues I would move out. I know that this sounds serious but things will get worse for your child if you don't stand up to this straight away.

Hello raebae - that sounds tough. We have 6 kids between us too, and it is certainly hectic.

I would definitely sort the bad behaviour out when you're on your own with DSD - maybe go for simple "punishments" like sending her to a room, or making her apologise - the main thing is that she and your DD both realise that the behaviour is wrong. We had lots of problems when we first introduced our kids with my DD and DSS who were both about that age. DD would play up and be silly, and then DSS would take any opportunity that arose to clobber her. DD was actually really jealous of me having anything to do with DSS, and DSS just didn't really know how she fitted into his world. (He had previously been the youngest of 4). They did get a lot better in time, but initially we had to try not to leave them alone much to avoid the fighting and tale-telling. Really clear house rules helped a bit too, and it also got better once everyone had their own space.

Did your DSC move in all of a sudden? That must have been a huge shock for everyone. Mine don't live with us all the time - they're at their mum's in the week, in theory at least. I do usually get at least a night or two with just my own two in the house, which is a good chance to relax a bit and focus on them. I'd find it hard with 6 full time.

Apparently dsd won't be coming here any more because I shouted at her (once) and she is now very stressed. She's 12. She's old enough to accuse me of stealing her socks (the fucking sock saga just keeps going) hiding her phone (turned out she had dropped it when out - returned by the lady who found it), hiding her phone charger (left at her friends house), hiding her keys (left on the floor, found under a bed weeks later), this has been going on for so long and I snapped.

She has been putting used sanitary towels in clothes drawers (bags provided so no excuse), dirty knickers in with clean stuff and on the last visit wet the bed and said nothing. I discovered it a week later When I went to strip her bed and had to scrub the mattress, wash all the bedding including the duvet and she's stressed?

It's not normal behaviour but I seem to be the only person who thinks this. Her mum defends her, saying its my fault, her dad says nothing (Mr Disney) and I'm fed up with it all.

So she's not coming any more because I shouted because I'm fed up with her accusing me of stealing her socks.

OMG, Coffee...what a drama! I don't know how you put up with it, as long as you did without snapping completely!
Well, her DM obviously believes whatever version of the story her daughter is giving, without having the common sense to actually check it out...and her DF is too afraid of upsetting her, to parent her properly! How many SM's have a miserable time because of this bad combination?
The only thing you can do is, insist your OH sits down and REALLY listens to your calm and non-accusatory side of the story, which he should relay to his DD's DM. Then, if DSD still doesn't want to visit, tell him to take her out to lunch/dinner once or twice a week and spend some quality alone time with her, he might get a different picture then, and you can put your feet up....and breeaath!!!

Thanks Who gives, NZ and Pink, glad im not the only one (phew)and NZ, I called her "the mother" and OMG was that the wrong thing to say, not sure what I was supposed to call her, but oh well, Im now reassured im not the cow i was made out to be so can get on with being a WSM (hehe)

Oh I sent her a text from dps phone telling her exactly why I shouted and admitted that while that wasn't the best response, I'd reached a point where constantly being accused of stealing by her dd was really starting to grate. Not had a response though. Dp wasn't too happy about me sending it but he does understand why I did and he can't go see dsd either, she lives over an hour's drive away and since dp has been forced out of the fmh into rented housing our living costs have shot up and we are broke. We have no money at all for dinners and petrol etc. We can barely feed ourselves at the moment!

Oh, I referred to dss as "the boy" on my first post. Got torn apart. I didn't know the abbreviations and dp calls him "the boy" so it seemed normal to me.

He not my dss anyway, we're not married so not ss, and quite frankly, he's OK, we have our ups and downs, but I don't think of him as 'dear' to me.

Oh dear Coffee, that's a bummer! Well maybe the DM wil, respond positively to your text, and perhaps you can sort things out between you...good luck!

Have to vent before I go home and ruin my mans happy buzz. He got a call today from his ex asking him if he wanted to see his boys for a bit after work (awesome because he has been wanting/asking for that for months), but then she had the hook in, so suddenly hes having them over night (fine by me I think that is perfectly ok with travel etc) then she reveals that its because she has something to do this evening so basically hes the babysitter (but stiil he is happy just for the chance to see his kids), next thing he has to leave work a bit early to pick them up before she goes out, (he has a decent boss so no big deal) next thing I know I message him to ask how works going and he tells me he picked up the kids an hour ago (just after lunch). I feel like she is fully taking advantage of his want to see his kids but he thinks shes being nice and suddenly realised/decided (after 2 years of being difficult) that he should be seeing them more. I don't want to say anything to him because he is happy having the time with his kids, but I couldn't keep it in. (that's why this page is so great)

Think I need a glass today! Horrible morning where I'm already feeling rubbish and had dsd as its school holidays and her dad's working away and although I wasn't meant to have her overnight and for a few hours this morning her mum said she was offered a few hours extra work. Fast forward to 10am this morning where she lets me know her work got cancelled and she'll pick her up at 11 as planned. Although I had agreed to keep her is it not just polite to have let me know this morning since I'm also on holiday and this was supposed to be the only day I didn't have her?!

Matilda yes it isn't just polite, it's the most basic respectful thing to do - if you were actually a babysitter you'd get a bit more notice from the mum. Annoying!
WSM that does also feel annoying - I get that too - my DP saying Ex is great because she isn't being awful and then agreeing to all sorts of changes at the last minute because of it. Again annoying!

See the thing is I get annoyed at myself cause I do love dsd. But knowing her mums having a long lie while I have a weeks holiday and am keeping dsd to help her out just doesn't feel particularly great. But have asked her to inform me next time. She seems a little taken aback but agreed to.

matilda that sounds really annoying. Looking after a DSC to help your DP out is one thing, but that is so obviously just you doing his ex a favour (that in the end she didn't need). She should find a friend for a sleepover for DSD for that sort of thing, not dump on you and then cancel afterwards.

I'm feeling pretty cross at DH's ex right now. Her view of parenting teenagers does not seem to include helping with homework, attending parents evenings, watching school performances, looking up possible new schools or sixth forms online, attending open days, driving them around (anywhere) or making her DC feel they can sit in the living room in the evenings. DH (and I) are picking up as much as we can of this, but it's a lot - there are 4 DSC, plus I have two DC myself, and DH works long hours and commutes - earning the money he pays to her to be their "primary carer" I've been trying to find excuses for her but tbh I think she's just bloody lazy.

Oh god the teenage stuff doesn't sound like any more fun.. dsd is only 4 and I have so long to go! Sound like their mum really could be more involved and interested but it's hard to say that especially on here without people taking it wrongly.

I try to make excuses for dsd mum as she does have dsd on her own etc but I took a week off work as dp can't and he should be available to help with holidays. However the original plan was to have her some days not them all at some point so just feels like my good nature is being taken advantage of a little.

Matilda well it's good that the Mum has agreed to inform you. I 'dared' to ask DSDs mum some years back to inform me, when she used to let DSD come to our house when DP was out and just me - at the last minute - with me not even having enough warning to make more dinner - when she was supposed to be with her, and she completely lost the plot and never speaks to me at all now!!!

Well she agreed with me. God knows what she'll say to dp however if she dares to mention it to him she will find that he's more annoyed about it than I am. Just harder being upset knowing he's not around since he's the only person who really gets it Him working away has been a big change.