Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

Dragons and Cadbury - totally get that! I have to say, the 'no plans' child contact arrangements are beyond awful and I've struggled with them for years! It just means that someone, often the Ex has all the control - because someone is deciding and suiting their own life - and it is usually not us and DP!
Wdigin2 - yes I have had a whole two weeks now of no stress with DP or DSCs - also wondering what I am missing?!

Anyone around?! I am upset about something petty involving both step parenting and social media- MN bingo!

Basically a post popped up on my Facebook as it had been commented on by several of my DHs family, but the post was actually made by DHs ex. The post itself was about how grown up DSD is, hitting a particular milestone, for which she is taught by FIL- but say the milestone was passing a swimming exam, SIL has commented to ex saying DSD was taught swimming by "your [ie ex's] father in law".
DH and his ex were never married, they just dated for 4 years and they have a daughter together- so he might be ex's daughters grandfather but he is MY FIL not hers!! I did say it was petty....

Would anyone else be upset?!

That could bother me if I was having a bad day, definitely. It can be hard to feel that you're family if someone else already is.

That said, I suppose your SIL maybe couldn't think of a simple way to describe the relationship between your DSD's mum and her grandad. Step parenting is so bloody complicated isn't it?

Even thou its petty I'd be annoyed to dragons especially after the week we have had with DSDs mum.

DSDs mum has this week gone from no need to change parenting order and that overnights wednesdays are catered for. It really does need changing as many clauses now obsolete. And wed definitely not catered for. To her deciding to change it but she wld like DPs Saturdays and he can have her Sundays as she is now working Sundays of her own choice. She gets days off in week with DSD, DP doesnt. He said no that doesn't work for various reasons so her response was the wed don't work and should stop. Total do it my way or you won't see her tattic. Then at 6am she text to say actually keep the Wednesdays. There is more but too much to write.

Totally doing my head in and haven't learnt how to disengage from it. Is it too early for a wine? (8am here)

Something I would find irritating though I know I have no right to, if my DH's EW had never remarried and had kept the title, Mrs Wdigin2this. As it happens that is not the situation in my case, but I know of many where it is! I realise that if you're children are called Smith, and whilst married you were Mrs Smith, then you'd probably not think of changing back to your maiden name, and there's no real reason why you should, but I did! Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Wdgin Yes my DH's ex has kept her married surname which is now mine and it does make me feel awkward. You're right I know she has every right to do so and no doubt wants to keep it the same as her DCs, but it does feel like DH has 2 wives sometimes. I moved in with DH so we occasionally get phone calls for Mrs [surname] which are actually for her.

What's even odder is that she still wears her wedding ring . I really don't think that's OK, but can't exactly ask her not to can I without looking really petty and being told it's none of my business

Wdigin I think I would be annoyed BUT I suppose if you met your partner after his first marriage had broken up and when you met he was called Smith and his kids were Smiths and his ex was Mrs Smith I suppose you'd be pissed off then, but it would be the status quo IYSWIM? If she changed her name back to maiden but started randomly referring to herself as Mrs Smith that would annoy me far far more- it's the curve ball aspect of this I find so hard!

Thank everyone for not making me feel totally stupid- in terms of response to the "father in law" comment I just need to make like Elsa and let it go, right?!

Annoyed today, trying to let it go.

DSS contact arrangements have always been erratic. Now he seems to be here every Saturday night and wants to invite his mates over for sleepovers. Last week arranged it without asking us, we said no. When he does have sleepovers they stay up all night and keep us awake. I have told DH he can not have any, but he is a softy and does not like saying no to DSS, so I fully expect to be told at some point today that we are having teenage boys over for the night.

Also he can not walk the 10 mins to our house, DH has to drive over and pick him up. No time is agreed and DH will get a call anytime from now to 7pm asking him to come and pick him up. Which means we can not go out or do anything as DH is on edge waiting for the call.

May call a friend and just go out shopping or to the pub.

Yes Pink & Dragons, it is the EW's right to keep her name the same as her DC's, but it would be awkward, and you must feel it Pink. I'm just grateful that the EW had remarried before DH and I got really serious! I can't imagine how I'd feel if her marriage broke up and she went back to Mrs Wdigin2this, rather than her maiden name....although I know someone who did exactly that, much to the new wife's irritation!

Blueblue, that would p**s me off so hugely, how old is DSS? The problem is, you're going to have to relent and allow it to happen, albeit on a very infrequent basis. But perhaps you could discuss with your DH how often, and what rules should apply, one being that you're not kept awake ALL night...a lot depends on his age!

Widigin2this He is 13, I have two teenagers too. Though one is too old for sleepovers and the other is more considerate and makes sure that they do not disturb us.

We ban him from sleepovers for a while and then he asks, is told the rules about not waking us up, then the next sleepover he does it all over again. Last time Dh got up 3 times to tell them to be quiet. I think it is the obvious not giving a shit about anyone else in the house, that pisses me off most.

No mention of sleepovers tonight yet though.

Oh my goodness that would be a right pain, and it must be difficult to say no to him, when your own DS is allowed to have sleepovers, even though he is more considerate! Maybe the next time he asks you can say yes, on the proviso that a) you limit the number of boys, b) you have a say in who does/does not stay, and c) that this is his last chance to prove he can be responsible, ie all lights out by agreed time, no talking and laughing after agreed time etc. Tell him if rules are seriously broken this time, he can be sure you will never even contemplate a further sleepover...so not to bother asking again! Of course, you have to have DH on board for this, and rules would have to apply to your DS too....hope you have a peaceful evening

Right, my sd needs the hall light on when she goes to bed as she says she can't sleep (she's 9). My ds 2 sleeps in that room too. I got him a groclock to help with getting up too early but it also serves as a night light. Anyone who's seen them will know it's a very dim night light so we still left the door open for sd. This morning she said the clock kept her awake! Dh knows she's said this to cause effect (probably because it's ds or I got it or whatever) but he won't say to her that that is a silly statement. For once I would just like him to parent pull up these silly attempts cause problems

And another thing! He pulled me up in front her and said "have you said good morning to sd"......I had, but won't pull her up on this crap! Pass the gin!!!

OMGoodness WhoGives, i think that situation is really just the tip of the iceberg....isn't it?!

Wow, this thread is amazing! I no longer feel like a "bad adult who should know better". Topping up glass ??
My DSS (12years)lives with us, since his mother had her 4th child and DSD (10years) stays most weekends, I'm writing this in the dark, in the bedroom that I share with my DD (11months) as I feel so claustrophobic in our 2 bedroom flat. My DSD is nice kid but talks non stop, lies abit and has general teenager like behaviour, my DH and I get very little time alone and whenever I ask a question that I'm unable to in front of the kids, he snaps! Has anybody told their other halves the impact of having DSC? How did it go? Did anything get better?

All of our DC were grown when we got together, so we never had the access visits thing, and to be honest I don't know how other SM's do it! I fully appreciate children of split relationships have every right to spend time with both parents, but I don't know if I could have coped with a child/children who were not mine, living in my home part time, especially if I had DC of my own at that time!
I'll probably get shot down for that comment....but it's how I feel, and is. why, when I was single, I avoided any involvement with men who had young children!

Totally off topic, but do some people just jump on the step parenting page to step-bash? I asked a sensible question and got bashed for being judgmental by people who knew as much about me and my situation as what they read in the question. I was accused of being horrible when all I wanted was some help about ONE little aspect of the DSS. Sorry rant over wine time

Yes WSM, and you get to know thier names. I totall ignore the bitter SM haters as they can't possibly understand the emotions SM go through or the fact we didn't "know what we are getting into"

Yes WSM whogives is correct I've noticed many who will pick up on the slightest thing and tear a SM to pieces for it never mind what they are actually asking for help about. You shld see what happens when someone calls a mum a birth mum. All hell breaks loose. Ignore those giving you grief and take the useful advice.

I had that too recently, WSM - I was trying to get ideas for making DSD's life easier, but kept getting asked why her DM doesn't have her at weekends - in trying to answer that question (her DM doesn't want her at weekends), I got acused of slateing her DM! I think it mostly comes from people who are not stepparents themselves, but are separated from their child's father and resent an actual, or even an imaginary yet-to-be (god help her), stepmother in their DC's lives. They maybe think their ex will spin their new woman a pack of lies about them, so imagine that everything stepmothers write is all based on lies told them by their DP. It's really not helpful when it's their own situation they're thinking about and you're not their child's stepmum.

I think that's the best advice from NZmonkey though if you don't respond to the grief, and instead respond to people who're being helpful that's best.

Morning all, and all round!

Wdigin2this I have had several single childless friends tell me they have met a man (usually via OLD) who has kids, and ask my view- and I say run a mile! I really do love my DSD, but step parenting and all that comes with it is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I told my DH my petty feelings about SILs Facebook comment (I know, it's such a small thing!) and he understood how I felt, which was nice. And next weekend I am away with friends so DH and DSD can have some one on one time, and I can have some wine adult time!

Blue, your situation would drive me bananas. Have you tried to discuss with your DH?

The waiting in all afternoon for collection is ridiculous. The noisy sleepover would only happen once. Why is it always several mates and not just one?

Also, isn't the point with sleepovers that they take turns at different houses? Why is it always yours?

I feel your pain!

Oh in response to WSM and others, I was the OP (name changed since JeffGate) and I started the thread in the hope that we could have a non judgmental support space- so really hoping it stays that way!

WhoGives that sounds so hard- I have no solutions, just !

usually I have periodically spoken to DH about when the situation is very stressful for me- for a while before we got married I really wasn't sure if I could actually handle being a step mother forever, so was quite open about my feelings because I wanted to try to resolve IYSWIM? My own view is it's like if you have an issue with MIL or someone- if your DP is not supportive the relationship will struggle, but they will understandably be sensitive to criticism about their family, so it's a fine line to tread...