Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

pink - exactly the same here! DPs Ex never attends any school stuff ever, driving them, courses, you name it. It was ME who took DSD through all the online help for deciding Uni courses and careers. And there are 4 DSCs (plus 2 from me) too. Very similar! DP also working long hours. Ex also 'primary carer' in terms of maintenance/benefits whatever... Grrr!!!

Bananas - yes does sound a very similar setup! Do you think that if you have a large family you just get bored of parenting by the later stages? Or maybe the kind of mums who love little cuddly babies aren't so keen on teens.

I've never managed to get any direct communication with DH's ex - she won't do it. She used to email DH asking about whether one of them could come and have dinner here for whatever reason (we live much nearer their school than she does) and DH would reply, cc-ing me in, saying yes that will be fine - he'll be at work but pink will feed them, and she would still just reply to him - he'd have to forward everything to me. I think she'd prefer that I didn't exist and DH was just magically able to go out earning money and be available 24/7 for whenever she didn't fancy parenting at the same time. We just ask the DSC to communicate direct these days though, which works much better. They're fine about texting whoever needs to know about things. They know I'm the one needs to know if they need feeding - otherwise it's make your own toast they're offered!

pink I think my DSCs Mum has always 'let' DP do all child related stuff and got him to do all the night feeds when they were babies. What I don't understand is why my DP lets her?! It's a shame because I think subconciously he always felt he'd get more love from his kids by just giving and giving, but in reality they are nicer to their mum than him.

Their mum does the 'nice stuff' and he does all the donkey work. They'll remember the concert they went to with her but not the 10 years worth of parents evenings/daily lifts to school.

Ex also has zero communication with me now. At first I naively thought it would be OK and made a big effort with her - went to her house and picked up kids etc. But I directly asked her to inform me (after weeks of having DSD turn up at my house) if DSD wanted to come to house out of the blue - and honeslty I am not making it up - that was 3 years ago and she STILL does not speak to me!!! She can be pretty horrible actually and now stirs things up with the kids about me. It's like being back at school and best avoided.

Matilda2013 that sounds shit, and the rest of you filling in for child care it's really not on. I've had a bit of a hard few days but one think DH knows is not to expect me to look after the kids on my own. Shit, I barely got time to myself with my own ds, let alone the other two. They are here to see him, and me and ds bit more him. He would never agree to extra days without running it by me either. (Not that I've ever said no)

Oh I should point out dp in no way expected me to fill in for childcare but as I am part of the family nowadays I love having her around and dsds mum will specifically ask me if she knows it's going to be me. Just seemed to be taking advantage a little bit today but I've had a day of watching Netflix and shall be ready to have dsd back tomorrow morning

matilda - glad you've had a good day and recharged your batteries. 4 year olds are hard work - in a different way from teens.

bananas - I'm not sure that's always the case though. I think broadly speaking you do get out of a relationship what you put in. And if you attend parents evenings and drive them around, you will be part of their lives and know what's going on for them in a way that no number of treat concert trips will compensate for. Though you maybe should remind your DP to take the opportunity to do the odd treat thing with the DC from time to time, and not let that be only their DM's role. I've always done treat one to one things with my own two, based on things they like doing and have encouraged DH to likewise with his. But I guess cause of having 4 of them makes it harder - he always feels if he does fun stuff with one of them, then he's neglecting the other 3. Whereas because mine go to my ex's EOW, there's some free time for me to have one to one time, whilst my ex has the other child, whereas we have the DSC every weekend. And tbh right now we're struggling to manage the things we need to do, so treat one to one times aren't really an option.

Like with you, I think the pattern with his ex is partly a continuation of how things were when they were together - except she now has a new DP whose retired and does the school runs for the youngest every day, as well as my DH to provide money, and most of the rest of the parenting....

I've never been brave enough to try and communicate directly though. She won't hold eye contact, so I've not pushed it. Either DH does a drop off, or his ex sends her DP to our house - he's much friendlier so I communicate with him a bit. On the plus side - her strange way of pretending I don't exist does seem to mean she doesn't slag me off to the kids, or at least not that I'm aware.

pink Perhaps you are right, I have cynism creeping in! My DSD, sadly, has totally rejected me of late as she has got closer to her mum I think - and has a habit of 'putting down' DP sometimes in a way that makes me feel upset on his behalf.

EXAMPLE: Me and DP spent so much time with DSD over the last year encouraging her own choices and helping her look at courses for Uni. YET her mum, a week before submission, and for the first time ever just piped up and told her she should do X course
-without any knowledge of anything (hasn't even once helped her homework/gone to a parent teacher meeting) - and DSD threw out all of the other choices we'd helped her with - and just applied for that one for Uni!

The course (chosen 'by her mum') rejected her as she had no subjects relevant etc, and she wasted her first choices on it. Back to square one, complete freak out by her, and DP had to fly in and fix it. With DSD moaning at him?! I totally give up!

It is strange that the Ex doesn't acknowledge you at all. You do exist, but some people are less easy about sensitive social situations I guess.

After her 6am Saturday morning text about us definitly keeping Wednesday nights. DSDs mum has today text saying she won't sign the new parenting agreement yet because she may decide against Wednesdays. WTF you stupid woman are you suffering from split personality disorder or something. Its OK thou you can say no and we may have to take you to court but we wld prefer not to.

Sorry for rant, been trying very hard to like the woman but she isn't helping matters.

all round I think

This group is a breath of fresh air for sure!
My DSS seems to find great enjoyment in pushing my buttons recently... My partner is relatively supportive but as I'm the one at home most of the time she doesn't have to deal with the delights of a hormonal teenager!
Buckets of

NZMonkey, trust me when I say you don't have to like the woman!
My DSD's DF is some what of a disappointment both to my DSD and my partner.
Having to deal with meeting arrangements sucks! But hold your head up high as you're clearly the better person here! It sounds like she's just trying to be difficult!

Thanks Bananas, I don't mind the last minute changes so much, it would be nice if just once the offer was genuine rather than to suit her or with a catch. Mind you I don't expect anything that nice with all the stunts she's pulled, can only hope :-)

Thanks Massey its nice to hear someone say I don't have to like her. DPs friend was at my place last year and spent ten min ranting at me about how I had to like DPs ex and how we will have to be friends. It ended with me in my room in tears.

Thanks also Dragon for this thread probably one of the few places we can actually vent on this forum

DSD is here tonight just gone off to bed after a fun evening playing in our tent outside. Plan to have a proper camping trip next weekend

No worries I think as long as you can 'act' civil/ friendly in front of any child towards another parent is important as its not their fault relationships have broken down.
It also shows them that the world it's such a horrible place...(without painting it as a fairytale!)
My DSD's DF actually just rang me to say he has 'pulled a muscle and can't drive to pick her up'....dare I say anymore?! Lol
You can't like everyone that's just life and it's especially hard to like a partner's EX! I don't even like my own EX's!
I agree, a lot of other groups really slate the views of the step-parent and to be quite frank I don't think they actually understand what it's like to work hard at gaining a child's trust and respect from scratch!

*isnt such a horrible place! I mean!

Yeah I don't think being "friends" with your dp's ex is the best way. As long as you get along and things are okay for the children it shouldn't matter. Although my partner likes to say she isn't his ex she is dsd's mum... Still the same thing at times! But now dp will be home today and we have dsd till tomorrow night so time for some family fun

Yea I agree Matilda and Massey not friends but civil in front of kids and never say a bad word in front of them about their mum. We do DSDs bday as a group and they go fine, just lately she has been horrible, I'm hoping its a phase she will get over.

Massey we had the same call last weekend we had DSD from her mum and had to drop her home. But then we do most of pick up drop off as otherwise we won't get to see her. It must be slot harder for you having come in to their life do much later. I'm lucky that DSD no longer remembers a time before me.

Matilda hope you and your family have a fun time together

I'm so glad it's not just me! Lol
I've been with my partner 4 years now and DSD was 4 when I met her so she's grown up with me where as my DSS was 11 but he also thinks it's the norm which is great!
I don't know why I didn't come on here sooner!
Well I hope everyone has a pleasant weekend without too much drama!

Massey I hadn't realised you have a younger DSD too do you have them with you this weekend? Hope you have a good time either way.
I spent a year just reading the posts before I got up the courage to start posting. Was a real help to know so many others had the same sort of problems.

Massey and NZ, I agree, I cant stand my partners ex, she has pulled way too many stunts for me to ever like her or trust her, luckily I never have to see her , but even so I wouldn't dear say anything anti about her near the kids (despite being told by the 6 year old the things she has said about me), have to bite my tongue. Also agree this page is great for venting with out being judged thanks all

Yes NZMonkey my DSD is with us this weekend which we love. My DSS never sees his DF even though he only lives 20mins away.
We love having a full house, my DSD gets upset when her DF disappoints her and I hate the fact we then have to make up for it! I don't like the bloke or trust him one bit but when my DSD sees him it makes her happy, which is all that matters!
Thank you very much it's nice to know we can dip in for a rant or advice when needed!

WSM NZ and Massy - I agree too, there is so much that I never, ever thought I would have ended up ranting on about before I became a 'step mum'. No idea!

I genuinely thought I'd have no problem with an Ex, I've always been generally a people person. I never thought I wouldn't just naturally have a bond with kids I lived with, step kids. It's all been a bit of a shock!

As a step mum, depending on other people's 'stuff' you can just naturally be in the firing line, doesn't matter what you do!

I had a very small rant about tights and pants yesterday --apparently dsds mum is incapable of buying some ever and we should supply both houses as she has grown again- but I'm over it. It all seems very pathetic once you calm down

I totally agree Bananas!
Oh the subject of 'dividing clothes'...DSD's DF always asks for any clothes/shoes back...We are totally capable of ensuring my DSD has enough shoes and clothes to get through on a week to week basis without 'stealing' yours!
Haha you're right Matilda but it does seem very important at the time!

It was more the informing us that we needed to buy more for her at her house as she grows all the time... Which we know cause we have to buy for here too oh well purchased now and a well deserved night out tonight

Haha oh aren't we all the bigger person yes us too there should be a step-parent only night out as we work oh so hard! Lol