Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

Choco, can't believe it's happened again for you. Is there no way it can be changed?

Without being contraversial why should choco's ex swap weekends? This is a balls up by choco's dp and an agreement he has with his ex. I really don't see why choco's ex should facilitate a child free weekend for his exes new partner ex partner! It's all a bit crazy!

Of course he shouldn't have to cadbury - her DP should have sorted out his to match, or done so earlier so that she could arrange round him.

But sometimes if people are easygoing, and don't have lives that are too complicated, they might just be willing to swap around to be helpful if you ask nicely. No obligation on him to do so, but might just be worth a shot if they have a friendly relationship.

it's not my ex's problem. I won't ask him to change the shifts he's already booked. We have an ok relationship, but it's not worth rocking that boat because of a balls up this side. I would like to protect the amicable set up I worked v hard to get to! I know DP realises this time how peeved I am and I trust it will NOT be happening again. I have pointed out that if there is any asking for favours to happen it will be him asking his ex, not me asking mine.

I think this is just one of those times that I have to suck it up, and remember on balance, our life is good. The reality of 6 adults, something like 8 children across 4 families to organise now (ex's, their ex's and new partners) means there will be clashes. I wouldn't mind so much if it felt unavoidable. That's the rub really!

That would make me so mad, I'd go right out and book a girly weekend away on at least one weekend, when your DC are with their dad!

I didn't mean choc's ex changing. I meant your DP and his ex.

And of course no one should have to but sometimes, as Blue points out, things can be more flexible. If it's all only just been agreed then is it too late to change?

I'll get my coat.

just a rant (on a similar topic) On the odd occasion my DP askes to drop the kids off half an hour or so later so there is time to feed them etc after a day out, every time without fail her response is "no, stick to the agreement", so this weekend she wants the change, because they have been away, and of course he says yes. If it was the other way around she would tell him to cut his holiday short so the agreement would be adhered too. Its soooo frustrating that once again when she wants it its fine, but when he does its not, (and he wants half an hour, she wants 2 hours).
Also, as well as the double standards it will disrupt our Friday night, we will have to rush dinner so he can go and get them when normally Friday night is a relaxing evening after a long week at work.

Oh and I was just told he has them Monday as well (long weekend) which I don't begrudge but I was planning a day together alone.

Your DP WSM could have said to his Ex 'We might be able to be flexible, but I'll have to check with my partner first' - but he doesn't. I sympathise! My DP didn't do this until I said - look it affects me too, so he started doing that for a while with Ex - which really made me feel that at last I was being valued. As often that meant I had to do things like do an extra shop, change things around etc. It's just including you in that equation isn't it. We're not invisible.

exactly, and it should be a two way street, Its her double standards that piss me off the most. If he had requested an 8pm rather than 6pm collection/drop off she would have kicked up a big fuss about how they should be in bed by 7pm (or even 6pm when shes being extra bitchy/difficult). Her excuse for not letting him see them during the week is the bed time being 6pm, and now she wants an 8pm drop off/pickup so bed time doesn't matter. If it was me I would say fine, but seeing as bed time now seems to be later, I want to see them wed after work for an hour, or something similar to make it clear that he isn't a walk over (which he is when it comes to her)

I think he should at least ask her for a bit of flex back on a one off basis in exchange for agreeing to the 8pm change WSM Just kind of "yeah, we think that should be OK this week. They're getting older aren't they and able to cope with slightly later bedtimes? Would it be OK on the odd occasion to drop back half an hour or so later on a Sunday too?"

Well put bluelillies. that's exactly how it should be (but isn't)

The 6pm bed time never actually existed she just said it to make an excuse to limit contact :-)

Yes of course that's how it should be....but it never seems to be! From everything I've read, it appears that NR dads seem to always be the ones who 'say yes for a peaceful life'! Must be soooo bloody irritating for you all!

While we're on the point, can anyone explain to me, why any mother would want to limit her child's contact with a father who appears to be doing his best for them? Is it spite, envy of his new life...what? I just don't get it, apart from limiting your own child free time, why would you do that to your child???

In the case of my DP his ex has told all her friends and family that he was abusive (I haven't seen any hint of abuse toward me or his kids or I would be out of there) so its not safe (that's her way of justifying it) and then she turns around to him and tells him he's too useless to do anything like take them to birthday parties (that he's not welcome at due to his abusive nature), take them to appointments (at times he isn't allowed to see them because its outside of the agreement)etc
I guess its a way to be the "better parent"

AND (sorry for the double messaging) from what I have been told by his family and realised from stuff hes told me is she was quite controlling in their relationship (eg telling him what time to go to bed and getting peeved if he fell asleep on the couch, telling him when he was allowed to go to the gym etc) so I guess its a way of still maintaining control over him to a degree even though he got out of the relationship

If me and DH ever split up ( it could happen) I'd never stop him seeing ds. I'd like a routine so we all know what we are doing but I wouldn't mine it being flexible. If he said could ds come home later I'd snap the chance up! I never get child free time and would relishe it tbh. I just don't get it. My DH ex would not be happy if we split, it would mean, until DH had a place to take them she's have to have them. But saying that, she hasn't in the past when we've both been too ill to have them (I'm not talking a cold, I mean vomiting and diarrhoea, something they could quite easily catch to) she's got family or friends to have tham.
DH once found out that on the weekend the kids were meant to be with her they were round a friends house and DSS was very ill with tonsillitis, he should've been at home in bed but instead his mum was out partying. Oops, goin off a bit there

Widgin, I agree, it's crazy. Do some women get super-paranoid about any extra time changing their maintencence calculations?

My last post speaks the truth about DH. I'm bailing out. Good luck everyone. (I promise I won't come back to bash you all as a LO )

LP even

That sounds bad whogives - are you actually throwing him out? :(

I do love him but sometimes that's just not enough. I'm very upset but won't always be

Whogives I sympathise, love isn't always enough. Have you split up?

wdigin I don't understand mothers just restricting time with their Dad for the hell of it either, or using it as a weapon. That's so unfair.

Although my Ex always baulked at 'too many' days with our son when he was young, and a very demanding toddler and child. I once asked him to have our son for 1 week so I could go on holiday and he said No.

But now he's older, not demanding, AND as I am the only one not 'disneying' him taught him good manners etc, he suddenly wanted more days! Even though, in my view, our son had less time, longer school days and homework etc, wanting more time with his friends, clubs etc, and also EX wouldn't be taking time off to pick him up from school. Also, I got to thinking, I do all of the 'parenting' - as in, everything to do with school, (everything), all the discplining, all the boring 'please shower/organise your homework' etc. And I thought, I'd love to just have some 'fun time' with our son, as his Dad always get ALL of this, before he's too old to want to go. I haven't ever had a proper holiday with my son for example.

So I did get cross about that. Parenting isn't just when it suits him!

Sorry... rant.

Sorry to hear that whogives - you're right, splitting up is really horrible, but how you feel does get better.

I feel like that too a lot bananas - and suspect most RPs do. Not sure there are easy solutions though. I'm actually finding teens harder to do any kind of shared parenting with as feel they need one parent who's on top of their life. That's me for my DCs, and although it means I get all the crap to deal with, I do think it's working well for them.

My DSC who've been staying with us week on/week off meanwhile I don't think have anyone who seems on top of their lives. DH is still really struggling to have authority over them. He reasons with them, tries to encourage things like going to bed at a sensible hour (ie not 3.30am), befriends them, etc ,but doesn't seem to have it in him to just tell DSS that his computer needs to go off and he needs to go to bed. And with the best will in the world, he just doesn't have that sense of all what's going on in their lives that I have with mine. Had a dispute with DSS yesterday morning who wouldn't get out of bed, and then declared he didn't need to be at school til half an hour later than normal on a Thursday, which wasn't what I understood to be the case - ended up ringing the school myself to clarify and DSS was right, they're trialiing a sign-yourself-in for sixth formers on Thursdays this term. Only DH doesn't read the emails from school, so didn't know this [cross]. Being a day to day parent isn't something that is easy to learn starting with teenagers I don't think.

And DSS's relationship with his mum seems to have broken down to the point when she feels she can't talk to him, and he feels she has no interest in anything he cares about and so has no desire to communicate anything at all with her :( She won't attend his parents evenings and didn't appear to be aware of the Thursday late start either as she'd moaned to DH about DSS being so lazy and catching a late bus that couldn't possibly get him in on time. DSS hadn't bothered to tell her he had a late start as he doesn't really talk to her it would appear. So nobody's really parenting him. I'd take the setup I have with my own DC any day, even if it does mean I do all the work.

I hear you BLUE! It's true, I do feel like I have the whole perspective on my DS as I have him most of the time, and he does need an awful lot of help with stuff. He could easily get very isolated, very off track with school and socially too. So although I'd have liked an Ex who backed me up, I know that 50/50 would have been a disaster, esp as DSs love is favoured more highly than being a parent by his Dad.

My step children, now adults/older teenagers had a shared parenting, but from first hand, like you Blue, it just terrified me! DP never could discipline, their mum wanted her own life so we had all of them every weekend and two resident, she detached it seemed and the teenagers just stopped talking to their parents a lot. One DSD had mild learning difficulties that weren't picked up on until very late and she'd stopped doing homework or schook work for months and lied about it, fobbing either parent off. The eldest also lied and covered up something pretty big, managing to dodge being found out for ages because she could manipulate both homes. The youngest have become inward, don't engage with their parents. At least two have punished me, DP and their mum if we tried to bring them up about something - by immediately moving into the other parents house.

I feel for your DSS Blue, sounds like he has lost an important relationship, his mum.