Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

That sounds annoying Matilda I'm guessing your DSD's mum prefers child-free socialising on a Sunday so doesn't really want to have her back. I do think from our experiences that never spending weekends with your children isn't great for building up a strong relationship, especially as they get older with busy lives in the week. But I don't know what you can really do about it if their mum clearly doesn't want to have them with her, except exactly as you are doing and plan to keep her with you.

It's annoying as I just like to have plans and stick to it. We've told her we will keep her but she says she sometimes wants her earlier. Today it was cause she could go to the pub after being out last night! And after she told us she thinks she needs reassurance from both houses as she's been a little distracted and not listening in school

Gah..... had an awful weekend. Couldn't wait for dsc to leave! They were selfish, self centered and ungrateful. Eurgh sometimes I hate the constant compromises in my life because I married a man with children! Please don't jump on me and start finger wagging and "what did you expect?" I. JUST. NEED. TO. VENT.

This is the place to vent just don't post anywhere else here and expect sympathy if only we loved men who didn't have kids !

Tell me about it! I often catch myself playing the what if game- what if he'd met me first and not had children with her? What if I walked away when I had doubts early on? what if we didn't get married? I often end up at the same conclusion- life would be easier (or at least in my dream world it is)! I know I'm feeling oversensitive and emotional, and as a result being slightly more pessimistic than I'd usually like to admit to. The dsc are ace, we get on great, usually, and love spending time together. This weekend has been a write off, I'm giving myself a free pass (everyone gets at least one a year) and will pick myself and make sure next time they come to stay we all have fun.

Feel free to cheer me up with more stories from the wonderful world of step parenting ...

Ah the wonderful world of step parenting....if only.

DSS was here all weekend, only left his room to go the the bathroom. Got his DF to bring his meals to his room, did not speak to anyone all weekend, and stayed up most of the night on PS4. I doubt he spent more than 10 mins with Dh, who was out for most of the weekend. Glad to see him leave this evening.

Ah I have it even worse we did date before dsd but we were young and not really settling down. Year and a half later he had dsd. I love her but i do imagine life without her mum attached always

Hopefully it's just been a one off bad weekend! Sounds like you normally get along so next weekend should be better and in the meantime

God that sounds awful siwan How can anyone think that that's acceptable parenting?

I think everyone's allowed the odd crap weekend. Usually means it's time to plan a bit more time off for yourself for the next weekend I think.

My DSC have finally returned to their mum's after a ten day stay. I'm looking forward to a quieter week ahead, and a child free weekend, which we've not had for many months. DH however was grumpy this evening because we've agreed to get a timer thingy for the router so it goes off at 11pm. He knows this is something the kids need but he also knows DSS in particular will be unhappy about it as he normally spends most of the night online. DH says he doesn't like the conflict involved and seems to feel I'm part of that, but he should be imposing some rules on his DC without me having to suggest it

Blue, I don't blame you getting a timer for the router! I have a friend with a 16 yo, who tells me that she often finds her DC on her iphone, FB, Instagram etc, at 3 and 4 in the morning, and then of course she's a nightmare to get up for school! Doesn't seem much point in bedtimes and lights out times these days!

Hows this for double standards. My DP/exDP (we are working on it) had his kids for the week (he usually gets every second weekend) so the mother (don't shoot me for that terminology) gave the 6yr old a cell ph so she could phone him twice a day, this after DP has been asking for a year to get him one so he can ring him during the two weeks between weekends, her response had always been no way. she expects him to go two weeks with out contact yet has to ring twice a day for the one week of the year she doesn't have them. If I had known (he took them away for the week) I would have "accidently" misplaced it for a couple of days (don't want to deprive the kid but would like the mother to notice what its like to have no contact)

Totally agree about switching broadband off at night. Letting kids stay up all night playing on computers is damaging.

One thing I will never allow in my home is the provision of meals in bedrooms for any reaosn other than illness. If you don't want to crawl out and be a human being, you won't get fed.

WSM, we had the exact same situtation with DSD's mum. We had not been asking for the phone but she foisted one on her as she was desperate to speak to her when she was with DH. It is just an excuse to butt into his time as DSD never calls proactively or shows any interest in speaking to her - usually because she only saw him mum that morning or the previous day. Once again, it's all about what mum wants, not what DSD wants or needs.

WMD - I don't think I fancy your DSS's mum's chances of getting a 6 year old to keep a phone charged, switched on and actually answer it. I doubt you'd need to accidentally misplace it, if he's anything like my DC were at 6 he'll be quite capable of doing that himself

You are spot-on, Blue. DSD has lost three so far.

He only had it for the week he was away with his dad (so his mum could keep intouch) back to no phone now she has him as per.
Its totally unfair she can go a week (once a year) with out contact yet expects DP to go 2 weeks (all year) without contact.

We put a stop to DSS eating in his room, my two are not allowed to to that. But he was so foul, shoved the food in his mouth, glaring at us all and then stormed off when he had finished, when he was asked t eat with the rest of the family. DH thinks it is easier all round if he eats in his room.

Though I did get cross when he went home and I saw 4 plates and glasses just left on his bedroom floor, surely he can bring his plates down.

Hope things are working out for you WSM.

Hi All

Would be interested on views please

DSS has asked for a friend (let's call him Zach) to sleepover. No problem. I ask DH to speak to Zach's parents and let me know what food he likes/doesn't like and if he has any allergies.

DH starts waffling about "Oh DSS said it's all fine etc etc". I said: "Fine, but 10-year-olds don't run sleepovers - parents do. Please speak to Zach's mum - you have her mobile from when DSS went there."

DH still hasn't spoken to her and is still relaying messages from DSS about what he thinks Zach eats etc. I reiterate importance of speaking to Zach's mum for a variety of reasons. For all we know, Zach might be running away from home!

Next thing is where Zach will sleep. We have a spare bedroom with sofa bed so normally this would be fine but we are having some building work done right now so there is a lot of stuff being stored in there and there is very little space and no room to open the sofa into a bed. The sofa itself is fine for a child to sleep on but the room is not very welcoming and as Zach has never been to our house, I don't want him stumbling into things if he wakes in the night for the bathroom.

I said to DH that I don't think it's appropriate for any guest to sleep in there and so why doesn't DSS give Zach his bed and DSS can sleep on the sofa. DH says "I will suggest it to DSS but he may not want to give up his bed." I pointed out that this is not to be presented as something that is up for discussion but a decision we have made to ensure the comfort of his guest.

Big frown from DH suggests this is not going to end well.

AIBU?

Yanbu at all, I wouldn't trust what a 10yr old says either. Can you text the mum?

As for the sofa, if your Dss wants guests then he has to learn to be accommodating. Maybe you could make a bed on the floor in Dss room for Dss? They can settle down together then.

Thanks, flying.

Yes, if it was my son, not A SS, I would speak to the mum myself. Suspect DH will not take kindly to me asking for her number and I have never met or spoken to her, whereas he has. He's making me feel like I am creating a fuss but surely this is basic stuff?

The last time DSS did this, it turned out neither Zach nor my DH had bothered to ask Zach's mum and she knew nothing about it and the whole family was going away for the weekend to his grandparents. It was ridiculous.

My first thought was to make up a bed on floor in DSS's room but I don't think there is quite enough room. I might revisit that though and check as it's a much better solution all round.

DH might not take too kindly to it but what choice is he leaving you? I'd ask him for the number anyway, it may just give him the kick up the arse he needs to do it.

claude - I think you're right to push the issue of speaking to the mum for sleepovers. IME it's really important to get this established as a routine when they're 10, and probably not running away from home, then when they become teens it's much more important to prevent lies about where they are. Not a bad idea to make the contact yourself, even if you do have to introduce yourself, as if your DH is uncomfortable in making that kind of contact with other parents it might be better if you do it yourself.

But every sleepover I've ever hosted the visiting child has slept on the floor of my DC/DSC's bedroom - usually in a sleeping bag and a mattress. You can ask the child to bring both with him if you don't have anything. A 10 year old isn't going to want to sleep in a room on their own. If they're having several friends and don't fit (usually for a birthday), then we've let them take over the living room, but I wouldn't do that just for one visiting child. I'd use it as excuse to make DSS have a tidy up and then squeeze his friend in.

thanks whogives. Working on it still. Had a big discussion yeaterday because he was acting like he was resenting me for his lack of contact (his ex blames me for everything so limits contact) we cam up with a plan for him to discuss at up coming mediation. and I have taken a huge step back, and try to go out when he has the kids so I don't end up being the maid.

WSM, Blue, WhoGIVes, Claude - you all seem to be trying hard to be negotiate all the minefields around being a step parent, and seem to be sticking in there and doing a great job! We do have opinions, we are the parents some of the time and not just the wallpaper, we do get the flack when things go wrong, or manipulation flies around. So just sticking in there and keeping relatively sensible and sane is no mean feat!

I've been lucky recently. DP seems to have stopped taking all the crap from his DSCs or EX out on me for a change (after I had a really strong talk before Christmas). DSCs making an effort for me and DP, not as much as can be, but none of the resentment off the older two for a change, phew! Sometimes things do go well. EX is unhappy and texting DP a lot but who cares!

Thanks banana....the truth is I told DH to leave, something happened one morning, and I just snapped, can't remember what it was but it wasn't about the kids. He asked what he should do about contact and I told him we had split so it was no longer my problem. He asked to go for lunch and I put it all on the table, the lack of support, the going back on boundaries, pulling me up in front of the kids and the constant putting dsd above everyone else and she can never be wrong. I think he though he could sweet talk me into agreeing with how he wanted things to change, I told him its that or I walk right out there and then and that id gotten to a point of not giving a flying fuck lol.

The following 3 contacts have been much easier, but I think that is partly due to the holidays and DH being more chilled (and me drinking lots of wine and not giving a shit about the place). We will see how it goes, he knows he needs to step up, (he said if we split it would be terrible for everyone, even his ex as she's just moved in with her feller and needs kid free time more than ever).

He's got a long way to go from being a selfish arrogant arsehole but I can see he's trying. I've had councilling and we are going to go to relate.

I really do get on with my dsc, thay are really great kids, it's thier parents that are causing the problems with the guilt from both of them. Neither parent can seem to say no. Even sil sees that

who gives I'm glad that things are getting easier, but that guilt seems to be making your DSCs parents, not parent! It's the hardest thing being a step parent. I found being a single parent way easier!

I had to put my foot down with my DP in a similar way a while ago. It's horrible to get to that stage isn't it. I actually had just had enough, of DP and the DSCs. I just didn't care anymore. It's a shame as both by DSCs and DP are all good kids/people, but I was sick of being a second best outsider that was ignored too many times. It was the only thing that kicked my DP into reality. And sometimes reading other threads and anti step mum posts I do think that it's a totally thankless task!