Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

Oh blue I can understand where you're coming from on just needing some input or more involvement when needed! I hate when dp changes things that aren't a problem but I'd have preferred to have been consulted just to check. But yeah you will need more access if you've to parent the kids full time for a week at a time.

I'm hoping the holiday will be good as it's the first and hopefully there will be no unexpected fuss around it. Although j suspect dsd mum has already had a slight influence as the little one is telling us two weeks is too long and can we change it even though she doesn't really have a concept of time as she'll miss mummy. We have explained though that she can FaceTime and call mum as much as she wishes and it will fly by as she will have so much fun

Awe, that sounds fun matilda - the Canaries are great at this time of year. I'm sure her mum will miss DSD more, as she'll be at home with a quiet house. Hope you can find a level of communication that keeps her happy, but doesn't intrude too much on your holidays. When mine are away with their dad I love it when he sends the odd text to say they've arrived safely, or tell me what they've been up to.

Things are all very uncertain here today still. DH emailed his ex asking for some of the practical info I'd asked him for (as he didn't appear to know it), and raising some of the issues around communication between households. She got upset about this and said this just proved that it was too complicated for them to stay with us in the week, and she wants to go back to how things were previously (along with the bus that doesn't run any more? ) But then seemed to change her mind and emailed again saying that actually, DSS could come and live with us if he wants and see her just occasionally (still no plans to give up those weekends...) as he's stubborn and arrogant and doesn't listen to anything she says... :( But she doesn't want to lose DSD as she'd miss her. So I don't know how we solve that one.

DH is trying his best to keep me in the loop, thankfully, and has acknowledged her latest email and said he'll respond in due course. I'll have a chat with him this evening.

So, most definitely needed tonight

That's so strange! Does her ds know she's willingly just giving him up but not his sister? Imagine it's not too hard to provide gp info and inform the school of changes!

We all normally FaceTime every day when we're at home with dsd and when she's with her mum so hopefully that will make the holiday easier

She has now given us GP and other info that i asked for which is good. I don't intend to relay the rant she had about DSS to him but think he's not completely stupid and unlikely to be oblivious to the lack of warmth in the relationship :( We're agreed to stick to the current trial of alternate weeks until half term and see how it goes.

Blue that must be such a hard situation to be in. I hope the current trial arrangement works for both you and the children.

Matilda That's great you're able to do facetime. DSS is so bad on the phone - literally it's a yes/no answer so DP struggles to have a conversation with him! We haven't broached the idea of a holiday abroad yet... DP's ex couldn't afford it most likely so the most we've pushed for was a trip to see DP's parents (not abroad) and even that was so hard to get DP's ex to agree to! No idea how we're going to get her to agree to a holiday abroad when the time comes!!!

Blue, this sounds so hard and you seem like you are doing brilliantly for everyone.

Sorry if I missed this but where is their Dad when you are getting up with them and checking their homework?

Is he really not prepared to stand up to his ex even when she is so blatant about having favourites? It's chilling to think of the damage she has/is causing her son.

And I know it doesn't solve much but would he consider reassessing maintenance once the final decisions are made, to make it fairer?

Meridian - DH has already left for work usually when I'm getting the kids up. He commutes so is usually out the house by 7.30am. He works from home 1-2 days a week but is often so knackered by those days that he sleeps in. I've been trying to encourage him to get up with me and the kids at least some of those days, now that it's his two as well as mine.

We had a good chat last night. He's quite hurt and upset by what she said about DSS, and I'm feel will probably suggest that he lives with us after the trial half term of alternating weeks. I think DSS will be good with that. He was on good form yesterday and had stayed behind school to attend fitness club, something he never normally gets the chance to do with the bus ride, and for someone who spends nearly 24/7 in front of his computer, a very good thing. I think DSD will actually be the harder one to resolve as I think if DSS is with us, she'll resent catching the bus to her mum's even more. Neither of them are really their mum's favourite - that's the youngest one (DSS2) who's still with her in the week as he's ferried to school each day. I used to try dismiss the complaints of the older two about not being her favourite telling them I was sure their mum loves them all the same really, but have given up more recently as I didn't feel it was being very honest and instead sympathise when she shows disinterest in them, like when she can't be bothered to come to a parents evening.

DH is incredibly patient and diplomatic with his ex and doesn't rise to the unreasonable things she says in the emails. I'd be much more hot headed and would probably have written a very angry email back if I'd been him, but tbh I'm not sure what that would have achieved. He's trying really hard to avoid the kids getting caught up in conflict between their parents.

Yes maintenance is best not touched until everythign is resolved, and possibly not even then. I did wonder whether DH could then ask her what she thought would now be a fair amount could be a way forward, but suspect she'd just revisit her usual complaint about the spousal maintenance that she receives not having gone up with inflation (which it wasn't ever set to do). DH has enough money so it's probably just best written off I think. A little of it flows to the DSC as pocket money anyway.

Blue - I agree, best leave the maintenance issue for the moment. I also had their mums 'least favourite' resident with us, but that just set up a 'if she did this, why couldn't we move/ stay' etc in the kids too. I don't blame them, if one parent 'encourages' one child to leave or stay for their own preferences, then the dynamics are set and tooling and froing become the norm.

I feel your mine . My stepson was supposed to come for 7 days and stayed 16. Hubby pandered to him every whim and he had to come everywhere with us. Wouldn't mind but he is 23. Have a glass of wine on me

That sounds crazy princess - why does a 23 year old need to follow you around everywhere?

Thankfully, as we've always had them every weekend DH does just treat them normally as the time isn't too precious. He's never been a 24/7 entertaimment provider that some dads on here seem to be. That must be hard enough to cope with with a 10 year old, never mind a 23 year old.

This week seems to be going mostly OK. It does feel very different having both DSC with us every night, but easier to feel in touch with their lives. DSD has caused some concern by walking out a exam (GCSE mock) saying she felt unwell - just stressed I think, but it's worrying us in terms of how she'll cope with the actual GCSEs in a few months. Otherwise they both seem OK with the new routine and my own kids seem unphased by it.

Bananas - Yes I think that's one thing we're all keen to avoid, a situation where they're messing around and changing residence frequently. If DSS stays with us, but DSD is told she's not allowed to, I don't think she'll be happy. Equally, if their mum tells DSD that she can't stay with us because she'll miss her, and DSS hears this that's going to be hurtful for him :( and tact has never been their mum's strong point. DSD tends to avoid direct confrontation, but might well just turn up at ours when she feels like it - which is much harder to cope with than a recognised change of residence. Would be OK if she decides for herself that she misses her mum and can cope with the bus changes, but I think that's for her to decide really, and then to keep to what she decides.

I agree Blue, I was really criticised by DSCs mum and DP for saying that I felt the 'kids can go to either house whenever they like' approach. So unstable for everyone. And the reality was DP had an open door but their mum definitely didn't but never openly acknowledged - she'd just get in a mood sometimes and kick them out - found them either at our house or wandering around town.

If your step kids want to move in or spend time with you it's so much better to have at least some kind of a plan. Otherwise you end up with children who are all over the place - if you tell them off or they get in a strop they'll run back to mum and vice versa.

Not going so well now :( Persuaded DH to try to tackle the issue of DSD taking her phone to bed with her. Huge opposition from DSD and much stress all round. Think her late night messaging could be behind much of her tiredness and emotional fragility of recent months, rather than the early start required for catching the bus from her mum's. But policing of her phone is something I don't think she's used to at either house and not easy to introduce, especially as DH was being grovelling and super kind to her this morning clearly feeling guilty for having tried to parent her. Why can't he have enough confidence that she'll still love him even if she's cross about something? How can you parent kids if you feel you need to apologise for having any authority? I'm finding it very frustrating and not at all sure that DH is ready for the transition from fun weekend dad to weekday parenting.

You can't parent that way, it just won't work, the power balance is all wrong. He needs to keep at it with no grovelling, she will get use to it. What is her excuse for needing the phone in bed? Or is she quite honest and say it's for texting ?

She initially said she needed it as an alarm, which is untrue because I've had to wake her all week, but we bought her an alarm clock (which arrived yesterday) so prevent that one. She then tried claiming she was afraid of burglars which DH prenteded to believe at first until I pointed out that she'd never shown the slightest sign of being anxious over whether we'd locked up, etc (and she'd hardly be calling 999 with a burglar in her room anyway) and after that just said she "needed" it. She's messaging or watching clips on YouTube much of the day so would imagine that's what she's doing at night too but no she's not being honest about it which she needs to be before either of us can have a proper conversation about it. She's supposed to be back at her mum's next week though and I don't know what her willingness to tackle the issue will be.

I have YouTube restricted after 8 in my house, I do it via my broadband settings. Your dp needs to step up and be a parent, not a friend. Unfortunately, only he can do that.

YouTube is a big worry to me, I've come across horrific things on there and quite by accident, maybe one word in common. My dsd use to go on there a lot until I showed DH how easy it is to stumble across these things. He now only lets her go on it on the main PC when he's there and it's restricted the rest of the time

Hi all, badly need some prosecco, but am doing Dry Jan
We are also having technology related dramas - DSD 10 has been Skyping DP at 10.30pm, so I'm sure she has tablet access at night. Her Mum has also let her set up an Instagram account, which I am very about - it is private, but I don't think she's had enough info about Internet safety, trolls, etc.
Also we've just agreed to pay more maintenance - I think it's a fair raise, but I just don't relish the prospect of carving out that extra chunk of money each month! Of course if DSD needs it then we're happy to pay it, but on a really irrational level it just feels like an unexpected bill I know I ABU (not that this is AIBU!) but am just finding it all hard right now.

Instagram is not private by default

On the money side, if you believe it's a fair amount than you can't really moan (not in RL anyway). With the Technology issue, I have the same thing, but you can only control what happened in your home. Maybe, like I have said further up, can you restrict certain sites from your browser ? Sky broadband does something called shield, it's a very useful tool. Also, DH has been on to dss's phone provider and told them to put restrictions in place (it's all in his name and he pays the bill) so it's got a limit age 16 access.

Dragons - that sounds annoying with the money. I'd be a bit irritated by it too. Did your DP discuss it with you first? It's hard to define exactly what a child "needs" - there's always something they would like, or could benefit from but you have to live within your means. Hope the amount he's paying now is affordble and also can be left alone (assuming his income doesn't change) so you both know where you stand and can plan financially.

Instagram is public unless you change the settings to make it private. My DD has had it since she was 11, though I have access to her password so can check what she's up to. I also set up an account myself in order to follow her and my DSDs, which is a good way of keeping in touch with their online lives.

IT's really hard when you're not the parent though, and especially if they're online at their other house to have any influence over things. I'm hoping my DH will contact his ex this weekend and persuade her to start policing DSD's nocturnal phone use, but don't feel very confident this will actually happen. Worth a try for your DP though dragons - especially as your DSD is young - I think it's much easier to bring in rules about technology when they first start using it than to introduce them retrospectively as we're now trying to do.

whogives - you're absolutely right that DH does need to start being a parent rather than a friend to his DC. On one level I think he does know this, but finds it really hard to change the habits of a lifetime. You're also right that only he can do it at the end of the day, but I have to live with the consequences if he doesn't. I do think that having the DSC to live with us in the week is something I can only agree to if he is willing to step up, which is a big condition to be placing on him. He does have quite a positive attitude about the possibility of changing your behaviour, but I just think he's no experience of being a weekday parent, and his kids aren't used to him taking that role either. Any suggestions how to help him make the change?

On the plus side, it's Friday, I've just finished work, and we've survived a full week of having the DSC with us and apart from the phone in bed issue, it's gone pretty well. They've been good to have around and got on really well with my DC, the dynamic is nice. Tonight I shall have some well-deserved :)

Cheese to you blue

but I have to live with the consequences if he doesn't true, but you could turn that on its head and say he has to live with the consequences if he doesn't, it can be so hard to find a common ground, it really feels like tight rope walking sometimes. I wonder why we do is at all

Blue and Who!

I would NEVER moan IRL - but that's why I like moaning on here!

Cheers to you too. I have now

DH has just called his ex to discuss DSD's late night phone use. She told him "I always check her light is out"!!! DH very gently told her that DSD doesn't need the light on to be on her phone.... Her mum seemed genuinely surprised by this revelation and said it could explain a lot (!) so she will now check up. I'm very pleased with this and hopeful it could help sort out DSD's ongoing issues with tiredness regardless of which house she's at, and make it an easier battle to fight in our house :)

whogives and dragon It is indeed a tightrope, and really great to speak to people here who understand the issues.

Today we've had dsds mum on the phone after yesterday saying she wanted her dropped off at a certain time and now suddenly no she has to come back at her normal later time. Mum used to work every Sunday so suggested she has her earlier on Sunday's now she doesn't to spend some time with her as we have her fri to Sunday night every weekend but yet nearly every time this plan is in place the next day it changes to normal time! Dp said no today as we already had plans but have suggested that he tells her that we will just keep dsd until the usual time every week. Saves all the hassle with moving times back and forth and people ending up annoyed!