Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

Not too early for gin! Sounds a bit much crieddy

Am actually having a relaxed evening with DP and DSCs, Hooray! Very pleased. No ignoring. No conversation either but hey, my expectations are low! Loads of computers going on with annoying sounds but for tonight I'm being Zen about it all. Am so pleased!

That's nice bananas Hope they remain chilled out tomorrow.

I'm struggling today with too many teenagers in the house. They're too old to be all excited and happy like little kids, but too young/spoiled to be any bloody use at helping out, or appreciating the work that goes into making Christmas happen. They've been complaining at the idea of getting up before midday

And they've used up all the hot water so I've just had a cold bath

So we've managed Christmas visit to dsd's mums and now just back home waiting till this afternoon to pick her up and do presents here before dinner.. It's all very chilled so far

How are we all getting on? We have a child free day today so there will be

How did Christmas go for everyone?

I had a wonderful time with my parents Christmas eve and then Christmas day before flying home to DP and DSD late afternoon. Was great to completely stay out of any drama to do with DSDs mum. DSDs and my favorite present from Santa (DP) was a trampoline, we spent the vast majority of the weekend on it. My mum also gave DSD a beautiful dress that i think DSD will wear to our wedding if she hasnt worn it out by then.

Following more ridiculous texts messages from DSDs mum one late at night the others early morning i have asked DP to ensure his phone is on silent (he had stopped putting it on silent as he thought she wouldnt text late or early anymore after being asked the 2nd time).
I have also asked DP to no longer tell me anything about DSDs mum or what new passive aggressive message she has sent him to tell him what a terrible parent he is being to her daughter. He can deal with all her rubbish on his own without having a sounding board in me as it was starting to destroy our relationship. If he no longer wants to deal with her horrible messages telling him what a shit parent he is he can stand up to her for once. In the mean time im going to attempt to live in an ignorance is bliss world and enjoy my time with DP and DSD to the fullest

Just......well......I think I am giving up now.

We went away with my family. I organised (and paid for) everything, including bringing food, all the gifts for my family and their extended family too. I booked and paid for the night we had to stay on the way up and got the details of a local cinema so we [well, dss, as dp had been and I didn't care] could see Star Wars because dss mum had refused to take him. I bought numerous gifts for dss, as well as many for dp of course.
I got them both Christmas t-shirts and story CDs for the long car journey.
I ensured dp bought the gifts for his own family in time to send them before we went away and I arranged the courier to take them when he had got them.

dss has been difficult and ungrateful. He said he wanted to come and had been excited about it, but they were both miserable and difficult the whole time. I know it's hard with other peoples families but dp response to this is to stop talking to me for days on end. Which is just bloody great. People kept asking me if he was OK because he kept disappearing into other rooms - at one point he decided to darn his [Aldi £2] socks for hours, he didn't have a darning needle [it's not like darning is his hobby] so he made one first from some wood. I don't know what he thinks he's doing but people just think he's a dick and being anti-social.
Meanwhile dss laid in bed nearly all day every day, refusing to do anything at all. One day he barely left his room.

This morning dp has told me I behaved like an arse the whole time. This seems to be based on the fact I was a bit surprised he decided to do some laundry at 7.30pm the second night we were there and just as everyone else was mucking in getting dinner ready [this is apparently me 'constantly sniping' at him and dss] and that when we went into the near-ish town to get something I was cross at having to wait in the car for forty minutes while he decided to buy dss new hiking boots [he only told us on the day we were leaving that he had grown out of his, no idea why he suddenly needed them, he has other boots and he totally predictably refused to join us on any walks when we were there anyway] and he went to the Whisky shop. He didn't reply to texts nor answer his phone when I called to ask where he was. Yet, I am the arse?

Anyway, that's me moving out - just need to work out where I can go where I can get to work next week and work from during the day when I don't go into the office.

NZmonkey glad you had a good Christmas. It is great that you can distance yourself from DP's ex. I do that too and it made the world of difference.

Outtogetyou your Dp sounds awful to you. If he is not going to make any effort and blame you for it, you might be better off without him.

I'm actually surprised at how easy Christmas went. And that's it over for another year! Sad to hear that some of you didn't have the best experiences! Would be a hard decision to decide if you're better off without the hassle being a sm brings!

Christmas and new year are over! Time to go back to the usual routine of every weekend and see what that brings! And we have a two week holiday with dsd to look forward to this year

New year new nickname for me

But not so sure about the usual routine. The DSC decided to casually announce on the last day they were with us that the usual bus they catch from their mum's (5 miles away across very cogested town) to school (near us) is being axed from the start of the year, meaning they now have to catch two separate buses, or a different one that stops a mile away from the school and is apparently usually full at rush hours meaning they can't get on it.... First we'd heard of this

The possibility of them staying more with us has been muted for ages, but never really resolved. DSS (17) is saying upfront now that that's what he'd prefer, and seeing his mum at weekends. It's hard to get out of DSD (15) what she wants as she tries too hard to second guess what you want her to say. She was struggling with the slow bus ride last term but just kept staying lots of extra nights at minimal notice, or even just turning up on the doorstep, without making any official change to her routine. Neither of them appeared to have had a proper conversation with their mum about the bus changes. Anyway, we sent them back with instructions to have a proper conversation with their mum and agree what they wanted. They said they'd decided to give the new bus a try for a couple of weeks, but two days into that DSD was texting saying could they both stay over the whole of next week because the bus was awful. DH has said yes, and I've said that's OK, but that we need to work out in the long run what's going to happen.

So next week instead of just my own two teens in my home, there will be 4. And the week after that, who knows? I get on fine with the DSC but really don't like not knowning what'll be happening. The odd night here and there is OK, but actually moving in means a whole differentn kind of parenting, which I don't think my DH really appreciates.

Where are you off to on your holidays Matilda?

Oh wow, good luck blue, I hope it all works out. Will their mum be okay with them spending more time with you guys?

We are now in all sorts of problems with DSS's mum. She's is restricting access to only 2 weekends out of 5 this month, so we are now going 4 weeks nearly without seeing him. DP is hopefully going to call the mediator on Monday to get this sorted out properly!

Sorry to hear about your rough time, Out.

Sometimes the more effort you make, the less thanks you get. It sounds like your DP and DSS are in worlds of their own. Don't waste your life waiting for them to appreciate you!

Thanks Highheels - Their mum's view is a big issue. DH had a conversation with her yesterday - to check she was aware of their plan to stay with us next week (which she wasn't). He said it was quite a positive conversation though and she's up for them doing whatever's best for them. She did make a fuss a few months back though when DSD was starting to stay over with us more, accusing DH of "poaching" her children night by night... so I find it hard to feel confident that she'll be OK about it. She doesn't seeem to be prepared to do anything else to solve their transport problems though - like drive them to school. Despite DH priming both the DSC and his ex to discuss the issues, they don't seem to actually speak to one another which is a bit odd and makes it hard to sort out what everyone wants.

Hope your mediator session helps. 4 weeks is a long time to go without seeing your child :(

We are off to Tenerife for two weeks in the summer! First family holiday so hoping it goes well and will probably be the last for a while (at least abroad) as after that it's time to get serious about a bigger house and then babies etc

Sorry you're having such a hard time high heels! I can't imagine how hard it is to go that length of time without seeing them! It would kill my dp.

Outof, that all sounds bloody awful! I think if you're seriously considering getting out of this relationship, you should make a clean break right now, even if you have to stay in a hotel/motel for a few nights!

After all the time, care and effort you put into making Christmas special, it sounds like your DP and DSS just threw it back in your face....seems like you're onto a hiding for nothing there! Perhaps you'll find a better life if you cut them out of your world! Good luck, I wish you all the best!

Out - it does sound like your DP and DSS think it's OK to make zero effort, but then again they are like my DP and DSCs - they went away with my family and just grouped together and one dinner no one joined in conversation at all - four mute faces! I hope you can find somewhere to live, maybe better to step right back.

Blue - that sounds like quite a big change? Be good to think about whether this is something that would work for you too?

Matilda - booking holidays sounds positive!

blue fingers crossed if it is best for the kids that the mum gets on board. How do you feel about this?

I know that my DPs ex has a lot of difficulty separating how she feels about DP and thinking about what's best for DSS - which is so frustrating and she usually forgets to do what's in DSS best interest, then gets defensive when DP points this out to her!

Matilda sounds lovely - hope you all have a great time!

Well DP and his ex had a text conversation yesterday which ended with her "considering" a new contact arrangement my DP has put forward which is half of what she wants, half of what he wants. However, in her usual style she is adding all these stipulations onto what DP has said. She's like a child and has to get the last word in. So tiring

Well they appear to have now resolved that they will do alternate full weeks at each house - which would mean alternate weekends with their mum, instead of being with us every weekend as they always have previously. Except they won't because their mum doesn't want to have them on a couple of what ought to be "her" weekends because she has a theatre trip planned - just locally - I can't really see why she can't have the kids for the weekend but still go out to the theatre, as they're old enough to leave home alone. What exactly does she think DH and I do if we want a night out on a Saturday? So presume the issue is really that she's very used to her child-free weekends and doesn't want to suddenly give them up. She's also passed DSD's parents evening on to DH to go to, and an extra two overnights along with it, meaning that in the next 5 weeks until half term, DSD is staying at her mum's a total of 10 nights. I've been away for the weekend, so despite DH's best efforts to keep me in the loop via emails I'm feeling a bit swamped right now, as they've effectively moved in over the weekend, only nobody is acknowleding that that's what's happened. I'm the one's going to be getting them up in the mornings, cooking their dinner, checking on homework, etc, but if I run into problems I'm nothing. I don't even know which GP they're with, the school don't have me down as an email contact for them so I don't know what's going on, etc, etc. Feeling quite cross at DH's ex as if she doesn't want to parent two of her children, she should bloody well just say so and let them live with us. Or if she does want to their mum, she should be prepared to give up just half of her child-free weekends, and go to the bloody parents evenings

Sorry for the rant. Hope your DP manages to get your new contact arrangements sorted out without too many compromises, highheals

Feel for you Blue, that's going to make a hell of a difference to your life! I've said it before, but I really admire all you SM's who have SC to stay regularly! All ours were grown before we got together so I never experienced it, and that was due to a conscious decision to never date men with kids under 16, because I knew I wasnt selfless enough to cope with living with children not my own....so I salute you all!

Thanks wdigin - I do like the DSC and really don't have a problem with them living with us more. They're great kids, and thankfully get on very well with my own DC. Just not so keen on it being flung on me with no real acknowledgement of the changes it entails. Anyway, have just written DH a long email which I hope is constructive but spells out some of the issues that need addressing - ie keeping me in the loop more, getting school emails, GP details, etc. So hoping that will help. Managed to bite my tongue and not say how crap I think his ex is being, as he just ends up making excuses for her which I don't want to hear.

I bet you don't want to hear the excuses...and you shouldn't really have to! But, you seem to have a balanced attitude to the whole situation, more than I could have had. I think sending the email was a good idea, and of course you should be part of any decision making that involves you or your time! I sometimes get told stuff when it's all been decided, like a holiday when I wasn't even asked if the timing suited me before it was booked....drives me nuts! But mostly, DH's decisions/arrangements with his DC don't affect me, so it's not too bad! Hope you get a good response from your email.

Blue I do sympathise. I've had a similar situation where the mum wanted very much to be the main parent, with maintenance and emotional support, but not the reality of it - if she had just admitted that and acknowledged me as the person who had to step into the big gaps that she left, then I think I would have a much better relationship with my step kids. But it's too late now.

I also had all step children every weekend throughput their teenage years, and one fully resident. Unfortunately for me the girls were not prepared for me to be anything other than a distant figure or casual friend. Their mother told them clearly I was not their parent and they didn't have to listen to me at all.

So OP you have done the right thing, bought up that you are basically being given much more of a parental role and nerd to be acknowledged as that. It sounds like the children will not resent you for it so I do wish you the best if luck.

Blue if the DSC are 15 and 17 then there us no need for you to be getting them up or checking their homework. They are too old for that. You need to start shifting the relationship towards a more adult basis. It will be better for everyone.

Antisoc - the 17 year old is doing OK and I wouldn't do a lot with him. He sometimes fails to wake up to his alarm though, so does still need some parenting. If I don't know things like his exam dates then it's not so easy to offer the support he does still need. The 15 year old however has been struggling recently - she's failed to hand in coursework on time, let things mount up to the point that she can't cope and then says she's ill and can't go to school so definitely needs some parental input into helping her manage her life. I didn't get much involved before last term until it became increasingly obvious that nobody else was on top of her life either (and least of all her).

Thanks bananas (though I'm not the OP, apologies for the hijack). I'm not even touching the issue of maintenance - DH told her he doesn't intend to reduce it, to improve the chances of her agreeing to changes that would be in the DSC's best interests. DH can afford to pay her, so I just try not to think about the injustice of being paid £££ to not provide a child with either their material or emotional needs. That sounds pretty much imposible for you to parent children if they're actively opposed to it. I don't think my DSC's mum tells them not to listen to me as far as I can gather - and not sure they'd take much notice of her if she did. Their relationship seems pretty weak/disfunctional. Thankfully DSD doesn't seem too resistant to me getting involved, though it would be a lot easier if DH at least and preferably his ex as well could acknowldge that that is what they need me to do.

Blue. fair enough, I understand that you can't just leave them too it. I've been happy to let my kids learn by making mistakes but I still have to parent them at times even though 3 of them are in their 20's. This learning to be a adult stuff takes time.