Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

Whogives That is great that you can be with your DH just to realise why you are both there in the first place.

Hi guys! Well, Purple, Hormonal and Bananas, I found out because DSD's sibling told me! Sibling is not happy about the way DSD manoeuvres DH so cleverly either, but acknowledges (as do I) that it will never change...it would seem DSD is treated preferentially to everyone in the whole extended family!

Hormonal....that is so very sad! I cannot even imagine what it must be like to absolutely know, your child only wants what they can get out if you!!!
Bananas.....as far as DSD is concerned, DH and and I are as far from being a team as its possible to be!!

Wdigin as some small comfort, at least you know that it isn't just you who objects to the dynamics here. I would be encouraging dsd's sibling to be vocal to her dad about his/her feelings.

Yes Hormonal, I was quite surprised by the sibling opening up, but there was nothing further, even when I encouraged!
I have now been practically reduced to tears over a situation concerning another sibling, who has problems! DH asked me to agree to a course of action which I was absolutely devastated at the thought of, (can't go into details on here, but suffice to say the very thought of it filled me with distress)! To anyone not knowing the back story, it would not probably seem an unreasonable request, so to DH's family I wil now appear to be the villain of the piece, and DH can shrug and say 'Well if it were down to me...!' And of course in reality he agrees with my point in all this, but cannot bear to be the bad guy! There really are times when I wonder if it's all worth it!

Well, it's NOT just down to him, as he made the decision to be married. You're the bad guy- so be it. Why should it be that your feelings are less important than adult children's? At least it sounds like your dh is standing by your wishes, allbut reluctantly.

There are times when I question myself Hormonal...I think, is it me, am I just biased against his side, and in truth I probably am for varied (some very valid) reasons, but I try hard not to show it?
But, this request was a step too far, and one that for lots of reasons, I never saw coming! I can understand the request coming from one of his DC, it would appear to them to be unremarkable, but they are unaware of the actual reality of the situation which is 'delicate' and DH will not discuss it even with me!
When I read posts on here about women wondering should they get involved with a man who has DC, I think...don't bloody do it, no matter how much you love him!

And of course in reality he agrees with my point in all this, but cannot bear to be the bad guy! Now that's a familiar dynamic for me too! At least he is doing something, even if it sounds distressing, and you may well take the fall for it. I think the role of SM should come with a free thick skin/coat of armour.

It must be a relief to know that the view of entitled DSD is a shared one, that must be something her siblings feel is very unfair and they are probably tearing their hair out as much as you are.

Well Bananas you're dead right...and I will most definitely take the fall for it! DSD's sibling is fully aware of her entitlement, and does (very) occasionally share some grievances with me. But tbh the whole thing is treated as something of a family joke, 'Oh, what's she like, she never changes does she!' sort of attitude., you can't fight or deal realistically with that, and for the most part I've practically given up!

May I join in?
I could have written this:
*Every weekend I go at it with a positive attitude, tell myself I won't let things bother me, but by Sunday that attitude has been worn away.

By my own admission some of it I could let go, like dsd shadowing/clinging onto DH all weekend. At this current moment she's in my spot on the sofa with DH's legs on her lap....now it shouldn't bother me but it dose, I fade into the background, and I tell myself I have him all week...but it's not quality time, we are like ships passing in the night sometimes*
My dsd is 9, I have no children. I've been with DH for 4 years.
Dsd and I get on ok but she has no manners, never ever says please or thank you unless she wants something, then the 'daaaaddyyyyyyy, pleeeeeeease' comes out.
I also get ignored, she never says hello to me when I first see her, has to be prompted to say good night. It's almost a relief to read that I'm not the only one this happens to.
Just wanted to say hello really, and to say that an awful lot of this thread resonates strongly with me.
Sad as it seems, it's good to know others are in the same place as me.

Bold fail :(

Yes, but I bet there is a bit of resentment there with the siblings, unless they really are just quite forgiving people!

It's horrible taking the fall for things though isn't it. I think this is one of the hardest things I've found, having to be a 'bad guy', or thought of as such. DP has admitted several times that a tougher course of action was really good for his kids but totally made out that it was something he'd only done because of me! He even told his EX when he had to break the news that I was pregnant that it was me that wanted a baby... just to avoid any animosity/emotional confrontation with her! Now that irked me, as of course it was passed on to the kids... grrrr! But I let it go, like so many things...

Welcome on board Germgirl!
Yes Bananas, I know deep down there is resentment, especially from the sibling's partner...who has sort of complained to me on occasion! I've tried to bring the differentials up with DH, but it's either made a joke of, brushed under the carpet (he's world class at that)...or more likely we end up having a row!
Anyway, this new situation will have to be resolved, because I'm pretty certain DH made an excuse, so it's bound to come up again!
Telling ex that it was you who wanted the baby is way below the belt, and suggests he either just didn't have the nerve to tell her that he too really wanted the baby...or more distressingly, he actually didn't!
I'm assuming it's the former, which sounds....oh so familiar!!

Since this seems to be the best place for step parents.. First year living with dp and dsd at Christmas. Dp used to go to dsds mums early Christmas morning open her presents there they'd all go to his mums open presents then back to her parents for dinner then he'd take dsd home to stay with him. I assume she'll realise that this is going to be at least a little different this year right? This isn't going to ruin my Christmas is it? hoping for the best and fearing the worst really

Matilda, I'd prepare for the worst and hope for the best! But, depending on her age, your DSD should be well prepared about how things will be, which means the adults concerned make a plan, explain it to the child and then stick to it! Hopefully, everything will go smoothly, but be aware....small children get very wound up on Christmas Day, and tend to get tetchy with tiredness!

She'll be five so hopefully she'll just adapt to new Christmas. I just want a plan so we can all stick to that for the day and I have an idea of what's happening. Just concerned that her mum might be expecting the same as before

Well, now's the time to agree a plan with the child's mother! You'll probably have to be a a bit giving and let her set the pace, but you and your DP should insist on having some say in how things will go!

I'm not too fussed as long as we have our Christmas part in our house just us. Then the two of them can decide on dinner / overnight arrangements they just both aren't very good at planning I'm the organised one but this isn't my place to organise

Don't stress over Xmas, you could even make it a tradition to have Xmas eve or Boxing Day as your big day. I had 6year old SS tell me not to be sad because we only had half a day on Xmas. I told him grown ups share so it's perfectly ok. (He shouldn't be thinking about things like that)

yeah will just make the most of it! Really just excited to have Christmas with both of them

I'd pre empt the talk with your partner about Christmas now - and if you are living with DP it is perfectly fine to not want to spend Christmas with his Ex if you don't want to. Sometimes 'not planning' is another way of 'hiding head in sand'!

Most couples have every other Christmas with their DC, but this can be painful at first because neither parent ideally wants a Christmas without their DCs. I don't! But I've adjusted, and I always make another day a big occasion instead. Test the waters with your DP and see what his thoughts are.

wdigin Well I do hope that your situation with the other sibling is resolved soon, sounds like another 'head in the sand' moment!

And yes it wasn't my DPs finest moment! Shows how careful you have to be though by appeasing kids/ex at expense of your current partner/wife - it's them that you ultimately face every morning! [happy]

Thanks Bananas, another blip on the landscape of our lives, but I expect we'll get over it...it gets so tiresome though doesn't it, sigh!
I'm sure your DP will be more aware of who should be his priority in future...not his ex!

Yes the sheer weight of so many people and problems, that are quite alien at times. It all makes me want to have stuck with one partner and just been a simple family unit... (although am pretty glad that I'm not with Ex!)

Ahhhh Bananas....you hit the nail! That thought has gone through my head many, many times! Of course I couldn't have stayed with my ex, but my goodness, some things would have been so much easier!
My DH is a kind, generous and decent guy, but like a lot of other divorced dads, he doesn't want to rock boats, upset his DC or be the bad guy, hence his Disneyfied approach to dealing with his DC...right through childhood and now grown up. And....it doesn't end there, think Grandkids!!!!