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Original poster

Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

999 replies

happygirl87 · 09/08/2015 21:41

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the Wine! Anyone else?!

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Masseycaines3003 · 19/10/2015 11:05

These are all definitely common problems, which quite clearly p**s us all off. I find it's mainly the little things that grate on me, my DSS always has something to say back but my DP has taught me to not bite back as he's going to do as he's told anyway whether or not we have an argument about it.
I totally agree my DSS knows he is more than welcome to as much fruit as he likes, to snack on but then says no to it as I know he just wants to stuff himself with crisps. Which would be fine if he was an adult and bought them himself but he's still a child (or young adult) and we'd like for him to eat semi-healthy for a teenager as that comes back on us as parents.

When I first met my DSS he was 11 and my DP had to fight to get him in the shower daily. But trust me you'll regret saying it when they get older and they spend all bloody morning in there running the water!!
Hand washing, I think, is a habit kids just have to be taught, like flushing, it's part of the 'toilet routine'. They'll get there bless them!

LittleSnaily · 19/10/2015 11:18

Totally agree about the plate of cheese... Half the time I don't make myself snacks or even lunch because it makes me so cross that dsd then comes and wants the same or steals mine! Then sulks if I say no. She is 17!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 19/10/2015 13:37

Out I agree that for some reason, it seems clearer if you have your own kids too, that there has to be some consistency with rules with step siblings. (Although I had my own kid and this didn't go down well in my household grr... we went by 'their' rules, no one compromised to 'ours' without a hell of a fight!... ) - but this doesn't seem quite fair.

As with or without your kids, you are in a parental role whether you want to be or not. Albeit a 'secondary' one - to Mum and Dad who come first. But there has to be some adjustment from 'mum' and 'dad' and step kids. Step mums can't be the only ones to make ALL the concessions - especially as we often get a lot of misplaced blame too! Like the worst of all worlds!!! Angry

I have to say I often get quite disillusioned with the whole Step Mum situation. Sad My DSCs have just given me either nothing back, or resentment when it suits them (which they just 'forget' when they want to OK with me again), after all these years. Yet I'd love to have been able to build up a happy family. My DP gets a whole heap of affection from my own DC, yet doesn't appreciate it! Sigh...

thegreenhen · 19/10/2015 13:44

I have tried so very hard to treat the steps in the same way as my own child. It really brought it home to me when my now adult DSD didn't even remember my DS birthday, let alone get him a card or a present.

I did have a moment of - "why did I bother?" for all those years.

DSD has been jealous of anything and everything (including snacks!) and I've tried so hard to make things "fair".

To be honest, I think I wasted my energy.

pinkprimroses · 19/10/2015 14:30

for some reason, it seems clearer if you have your own kids too, that there has to be some consistency with rules with step siblings - I think that's because it feels more legitimate to say "I don't want my DC being allowed to XXXX" than "I don't think your children should be allowed to XXXX" - unless it's something that very directly affects you. I think you could make the case with handwashing after going to the toilet, as you don't want their germs, but it's harder to enforce rules about, say, healthy eating, if their own parent doesn't really want to bother.

I think someone on this board once drew a distinction between "house rules" and "child improvement projects" which I thought was really useful. They said that you should always make sure you got a full say about house rules, as it's your home too, But that child improvement projects (eg manners, healthy eating, etc) were generally not worth bothering with unless your DP is on board and actually wants your support. Otherwise you just create conflict, so it's better to find ways of caring less about the situation - eg don't sit opposite the child with dreadful table manners, or remind yourself that your DSS spending 15 hours a day on a computer isn't actually impinging much on your own life.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 19/10/2015 14:57

thegreenhen - Oh god I know what you mean! It's actually a bit heartbreaking. I put a lot of energy into being fair with all the kids, taking them all out over the years, I think it is a waste of energy.

We went to the cinema last week all of us, and my DP has finally started to notice how much I'm ignored and was really trying to get his kids to just include me/notice me whatever. It was like I wasn't there. This happens all the time. I just brushed it off but then I remember all the stuff I've done with them over the years, looked after them, so many trips out with me, so many little things, to end up here with nothing. And the DSCs weren't being nasty, just totally indifferent. It's like I'm a ghost. Confused

pink - yes a good point. Household rules vs individual. There has to be some level of harmony and cooperation from everyone. However I think a lot of the 'tension' happens not because we as step mums/dads are imposing a rule too far, it's just the underlying resentment that someone else is in their life/dad's life. I had very defiant DSC from me trying to introduce a minor 'rule' (Say thank you for dinner) and later learned that her mum asked the same but that was no problem!

OutToGetYou · 19/10/2015 17:52

He came in tonight, and I could hear his hand going into a box of chocolate I was given for me at the weekend.

Me: don't eat my chocolate
Him: I'm not
Me: what are you eating them
Him: I don't even like them anyway
Me: I know it's not the first one you've taken
Him: no, it's the third

Grrr.

Not sure about 'improvement projects' - I will think on that, currently I am embarrassed to go out with dss to dinner or to friends etc. So, it's important he does have decent manners in my view.

WhoGivesAFlying · 23/10/2015 10:51

Hello ladies, well, it's that time again....roll out the red carpet all the way to Disney Land Wine

Matilda2013 · 23/10/2015 11:36

I was thinking it's awfully quiet here during the week. I've had an awesome start to the day. Woke up to dsd and dp bringing in birthday presents and cuddles and a wee singing of happy birthday from her before school. Happy weekend ahead hopefully Smile Wine

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 23/10/2015 12:02

Matilda it is good to hear something nice! Smile

WhoGivesAFlying · 23/10/2015 13:48

Ahh that's lovely Matilda

OutToGetYou · 23/10/2015 15:49

We're on the opposite 'rota' - though we have dss Mon, Tue and Wed nights, then alt weekends Fri, Sat, Sun nights. Often on the alt weekend she'll say 'he may as well stay with you Thursday then....'.

And from next weekend we have three weekends in a row.

And on Saturdays we have to take him to/collect him from his club as she won't take him.

I am away in the week (not all week, this week I was home Mon, Tue and Wed nights, most weeks I am away 3 nights) so I don't get to see that much of him, thank god.

Oh, I've just realised he is at scout camp from tomorrow for half term. I bet he stays at ours tonight so he can 'get ready' or something. If he is and dp hasn't told me...... I will be home about 8pm, tired and fed up, and if he is there, hogging the sofa, watching Top Gear and being teenage and obnoxious then I will be heading straight out again.

LazySusan11 · 23/10/2015 19:20

I'm a bit grumpy dh has worked the last 6 days (shift work) so have barely seen him, he now has 3 days off and I'm told we have dsd for all of them. We do have her during his 6 day stint between dh shift changes too. He'll be back for his next 6 days after that. I get 1 day in 10 with dh on his own. Feel a bit peeved, which I shouldn't as its lovely that dsd has an extra day/night with her dad.

WhoGivesAFlying · 23/10/2015 20:27

Fucked off already! Don't tell me kids don't know how to push buttons. And some stuff is so out of the blue I don't see how DH can't see it!?!?

LazySusan11 · 23/10/2015 20:44

Everything ok who? Wine

WhoGivesAFlying · 23/10/2015 21:00

No it fucking isn't (sorry). Sick of all the "she didn't mean it like that"'when every other normal person can see it! Fucking hate it, don't want to be here, had enoug

LazySusan11 · 23/10/2015 21:14

How often do you have them or do they live with you? dsd has just had her nightly fit over the no ipad after 8pm rule, now she's attempting to divide and conquer with the usual 'dad can you come here please'

I'm on the wine, the way I see it she's here to see her dad i've learnt to pick my battles tonight isn't the night, if he wants to allow her to manipulate and behave the way she does that's his lookout.

WhoGivesAFlying · 23/10/2015 21:40

Only EOW. It was all ok, but recently she's began doing this. :(

LazySusan11 · 23/10/2015 21:49

How old is she? What sort of things does she say? Frustrating when you can see something apparently the parent can't!

Wdigin2this · 24/10/2015 12:50

WhoGives...I truly feel your pain! And yes,mother certainly do know how to push your buttons!

Wdigin2this · 24/10/2015 12:51

They do..not mother, doh!!!

WhoGivesAFlying · 24/10/2015 21:24

well, tonight sd did it again, and this time even DH couldn't deny it. He says he's gonna have a word. I tell you, it's like a relief, like I was going mad and now he finally sees it to. He was always so quick to defend. Anyway....Wine pass the gin lol

joeyf76 · 24/10/2015 23:31

Is anyone online? Is anyone else a "childless step-parent"?

Though to be honest, I feel the same as hapygirl87 can't be bothered to even talk about it. Just good to know there are others in the same boat...

NZmonkey · 25/10/2015 00:47

Welcome joeyf, you sound like you have found the right thread Smile

I'm also a childless step parent. We are just on our way to pick up DSD to go camping for the night.

Hope everything is OK with you, ive found venting here helps. And there is no judgement, thanks to happygirl who's new name is dragons Smile

Matilda2013 · 25/10/2015 10:13

I'm also a childless step parent (well not officially but may as well be). Hopefully that will change one day but no time soon one 4 year old dsd every weekend is enough for now!