Anyone else had enough?! Join me for a glass of virtual prosecco!

[happygirl87]

Sometimes I find being a step-mother all too much! Can't even be bothered to go into it - just pass the ! Anyone else?!

I try so hard to be the bigger person sometimes it works and sometimes my inner little person wins. I get far too excited about a night out now! Sure it's not normal for a 25 year old

I'm 26 and feel the same! I'm not dead yet! Haha
My little person comes out when the kids aren't around and my DP has to deal with it all! Haha

Yeah dp's get all the trouble don't they? You can't actually moan at the exes for it as we all have to be civil

Haha I totally agree with the last few posts. I think I aged more in the last two years than the last ten put together. Oh well

How is everyone's weekend going? My DSS has bought his girlfriend round for the first time for a roast... I feel so protective over him!

Oh that sounds fun massy

DSD had a BF a couple of years back who was round quite a bit. It was quite nice meeting him, and made me feel like an already established bit of DSD's life. He seemed a nice lad, though then dumped her just before GCSEs....

I'm with DH and DSC visiting MIL today. MIL has just been telling me what a useless and unloving mother DH's ex was/is which was interesting, but hard to know how to react to as DH doesn't say such things about her.

Aw this is cute hope the dinner goes well! We are child free today and having a rare lazy Sunday too much

I need a very large glass please..I've had enough today

Everything okay Susan??

I'm struggling to be honest, it's not complicated I just feel so unprepared as dsd grows up and her sense of entitlement and attitude grows with her. It's been 9 years and I still can't get a grip!

Thank you for asking Matilda

I agree pink princess, it also makes me feel a massive part of his life as he's a lovely boy.
It went well with meeting her as I feel we are both (me and my DP) very open minded and welcoming.

My MIL makes comments about DSD's DF (obviously when she's not there) and as I've seen them for myself and have had to deal with DSD's DF I feel a have a slight right to comment. But you're right it's hard to know what the boundaries are, sometimes it's just best to keep quiet and vent on here!

Can I ask how old your DSD is LazySusan? Mine is 8 nearly 9 and seems to be struggling with the concept of saying her 'Ps' and 'Qs' as I have always been brought up to believe manners are extremely important and get you far in life.
Maybe I'm just asking too much?!
My DSS also shows a large sense of entitlement which drives me mad!

My DP reminds me that they are learning that things don't just get handed to them on a plate. And we are the ones to show them just like our parents did.

It's such a steep learning curve and it can be so testing at times but we are all strong enough to deal and learn from whatever comes our way!
does help though!

She's 12, We have her 50/50 we all live quite close to each other dsd bedroom is a tip so I asked why she couldn't keep her room here tidy the same way she does at her mums. Her reply "because my room is so small I have nowhere to put anything" it just tips me a bit too much. Her bedroom isn't bloody small it's a double room and bigger than at her mums.

If I'm speaking to dh she will do something to interrupt it drives me mad that the world constantly appears to revolve around dsd and everything else is secondary. Dh doesn't always clock it so rudeness etc can go unchecked.

I don't have my own kids, I never wanted my own and although I have a bond with dsd I am struggling more now than I did a few years ago. As much as I love my dh if we met now I wouldn't be taking us further because it wouldn't be fair to his daughter. If that makes any sense!

I just don't know what my role is when she's with us.

I can totally empathise with you, it's such a frustrating situation to be in. I don't have children of my own either.
We as step parents see the kids differently than the parent. That's neither the parent's or the step parent's fault, that's just how it it.

I'm a stickler for rudeness and also call my two DSC up on it. My DP sometimes thinks I'm over reacting but to me that's just what a parent does surely?!
I know my DP sees things differently to me, sometimes she thinks I'm being 'mean' and tries to 'help' but really she just ends up getting in the middle and defending the kids.
We've chatted about it and can see each other's point of view. It's not like I'm here to be the bad person, I'm here because I love her and the children.
BUT that doesn't make it easier to be a step parent by no means!

(Mistaken for being a pink princess - clearly time I had a new username!)

I don't envy you trying to be step parents when you don't have your own children - I think I'd find it much harder to make the compromises needed, if I didn't have my own. I'd be missing the freedom of child-free life too much.

I didn't get too drawn into the conversation with MIL about DH's ex in the end massy - I don't have a very high opinion of the ex, but felt uncomfortable to be sharing negative stuff about her behind DH's back. Yes better to moan on here . MIL is generally pretty open minded and not often negative about other people though so I was quite surprised how damning she was of her. Not just for how she treated DH (which would be more understandable), but how she was with the children too.

We're now back home, and I had hoped to have a nice evening with DH having dropped off the kids at their mum's, except DSD didn't come with us today and is now staying here on Sunday nights and at 8.30 when we got home looked to have hardly started on the homework she'd stayed behind to do - DH is now coaxing her through her English coursework, due in tomorrow. It's really good that he's helping her, but I'm a bit miffed to be missing out on our time together whilst he does the job her DM is so blatantly failing to do. He has to be up at 6am for work too :(

I can understand Susan. Dss is the same. Nothing is good enough for him here.

We now seem to have him more than 50% of the time, 9 overnights out of 14 (I was never asked if I was OK with this), yet dp still pays maints and ex is asking for more.

When asked to tidy his room he says he has nowhere to put anything. He had two built in double cupboards, one shelved. Told to put his things in there he claims his mum says he's not allowed to put things in cupboards - what, in our house??!!

Tonight he told dp he didn't want any supper, suddenly he doesn't like ravioli which was one of very few things we could be sure he would eat, then grabs bags of crisps and drink cartons and takes them to his room. Dp says nothing despite a house rule of no food in bedrooms.

Later dss hovers round me as I get myself some cheese and biscuits for supper. Says "can I have some" - sure, there's the cheese, get a plate and a knife and cut yourself some. No, can I just have the bit on your plate? No you fucking can't, fucking fuck off and let me eat my own fucking food.

I didn't quite say that. But I nearly did. He's too lazy to just pick up a knife. And he has this stupid thing that he has to have everything I have. Dp never says anything to him about it. Drives me fecking crazy, both of them

Yeah, Pink - weekend before last dss took five hours of cajoling to not finish one lot of homework.

It's bloody tedious. Must be bad enough when they're your own kids, but when they're not the patience wears thin!

Aha! I popped in to let of steam about manners and see it is the latest theme.

Hello, goodbye, please, thank you etc etc I expect these to be second nature at the age of 10. Maybe I am expecting too much? This isn't just about me - DSS fails to say these things to GPs and sometimes DH but nothing is said.

I'm also puzzled about the inability to do what I think are simple things at this age - lay the table for meals, take plate into kitchen after food, put dirty washing into laundry basket (instead of leaving entire outfit screwed up under a shelf or 'hidden' elsewhere in bedroom). I blame DH for not supporting/teaching these things and guess his DM is not encouraging them either.

Dss mother never says please either. We went for a meal with them once for dss birthday and I don't think I heard her say please at all. She'll say "pour me some more wine" and ask waiters for things with no please. She also has quite a demanding manner in her voice which dss has picked up.

Over entitled if you ask me.

Dss claims not to be able to do simple things like heat a tin of soup, he's 14, so I tell him to eat it cold then and he quickly works it out. Until only recently he said he couldn't work the kettle. But no, he does nothing with laundry, table layng (if asked he'll do it but put them the wrong way round, not lay out for everyone, someone won't have a fork, stuff like that. And he never puts out glasses, makes sure everyone has a coaster, puts the salt and pepper out etc). He'll take the plates up (but not put them in the dishwasher) but as he doesn't like eating I've always felt this was his way of saying the meal was over and I have to tell him he may not do it until everyone is finished.

As with others, his father allows him to behave like this.

I am weirdly pleased that it's not just my DSS that does ALL of these things. At 16 I would expect manners to be a fluid thought or at least attempting to be!
OutToGetYou, you have hit the nail on the head with the food situation my DSS always says he's starving but then doesn't take the time to make a sandwich or boil some pasta (which is is very capable of doing) instead he'll grab a handful of crisps and a MASSIVE block of cheese and call that dinner, but the trouble is, he'll try and be sneaky and hide it in his room.

I've found what seems to me like hundreds of empty crisp packets in his room (I was snooping but simply plugging the Hoover in).
Every time I leave the house he's straight in the kitchen, we've told him a thousand times that if he's hungry just ASK I can then tell him what we've got enough of as I need to make meals and packed lunches...but noooooooo!
I've stopped buying crisps now as its not fair on my DSD as there aren't ever any left for her!
OutToGetYou, I spent quite a few minutes laughing at your post last night, only for the fact that that's exactly what I say in my head!!
PinkPrimroses I do apologise for the mistake!

There is a dishwasher at his mum's but he claims he is never asked to put anything it. Now, I get that some people are fussy about how they stack things but how will he ever learn. He has no concept of needing to scrape or rinse plates first - tried to put a plate with a jacket potato skin straight into dishwasher. I don't blame him if no one has shown him - I blame the parents!

He also needs persuading to shower and constant reminders to wash hands after loo. Which I think is more common but DH never seems to notice.

Yep, same re showers and handwashing but I actually think some of this is a teen thing generally.

Dss told us for years that his mother didn't let him use the kettle, or do anything to help. Don't know if it's true but his mother diesnt control what happens in our house and that has been made very clear to him.

Massey, we also get the issue with not asking for food. The rule is you ask if you're eating outside meal times. But you can eat as much fruit as you like without asking.

The problem with not asking is that you eat things that are set aside for a meal or something, or no-one knows it's been eaten so it doesn't get replaced in the shopping etc. or it's mine and I will kill you if you eat it

A good tip for tackling table manners is to ensure that your DSC with the poor manners sits directly opposite your DP. It's got to be a bit less easy not to notice when open mouthed chewing, or wiping mouth on a sleeve is happening directly in your line of vision.

I had great success with my own DCs at getting 'please' to become installed in them by just not giving them the thing they wanted if they didn't say please. They had to go and fetch it for themselves instead. But never really had the guts to do that with the DSC.

We have a similar rule with food between meals outtoget - fruit or plain toast only. It needs to be something reasonably healthy and not too appealing, otherwise they'll eat that rather than proper meals. Thanksfully my DH and I agreed the rules on food before I moved in and it's mostly worked. The two DC prone to raiding food were DSD1, who is now left home, and my DS who was always hilariously bad at hiding the evidence -he got sent out to the shops to buy replacement apple pies (after eating six [schock]) on one ocassion and hasn't repeated that stunt since

When you don't have your own kids agreeing rules upfront seems to have less validity, and you seem to have less voice once in situ as well because you're not looking at 'consistency' issues, just imposing your own view.

I lived alone for many years so suddenly having things I had bought be gone when I came to use them was a big shock for me.