His kid & my kids

[Aza09]

Hi. I have not done this before. Where to start. Ok, I have 3 children eldest lives with his dad. my husband has one daughter who comes to us every week. and he sees another time. My kids have not had a holiday/break for 2 years, not with me because i can't afford not with their dad because despite him having them regular he doesn't do much with them. I have always stressed the importance which i feel about us being a family, (Me, husband & our kids) i think doing things together is important.
My husband not often but occasionally goes out just him and D. That is lovely, important & fully supported by me. Although i have moaned a couple of times purley because my kids again get to do nothing.. His D goes on regular holidays with her family (mum, step dad and half brother) as well as enjoying other lovely days out etc. She obviously has her own bedroom at her house etc. While my D has to share her bedroom, it can never be hers only because we have to accomodate. It is not a problem for me or my kids. What I am finding difficult is the fact my Husband wants to take D away for the weekend. not an expensive trip. and the weekend trip is fine but again, my kids get nothing, have had no holiday and it doesn't look likely they will. His D comes back form one holiday to go away again. I feel for my kids.. It has nothing to do with wanting to stop dad & D spending time together its about me and my kids being a part of things especially when we don't get a trip away. I will look look into taking my kids away but I feel holidays are meant for familys.. I am looking to book holiday next year, my kids have never been abroad, I am starting to feel resentful, why should my kids share their holiday (A first with me) with His D when they are not included in his their plans. My H has accused me of being selfish and jealous. said my kids want want all the time where as his doesn't, i feel maybe its because she just gets gets anyway & my kids never do. she is a good girl and we get on great, however she is also very spoilt by all around her.. I just need to let of some steem as my husband will not see from my point of view, can anyone else??

I have tried to explain. He feels guilty because he lives with mine & not his, but like I have tried to say before, she has never known him living with her so it's a bit late to start feeling guilty. She is 13!

I think that the problem is that you want your husband to be a substitute dad to your children. He is not. He is your husband and he owes your children to treat them with respect and care, not to treat them like his children. It is not his fault that their dad isn't acting like the father you think they deserve.

I do understand how your husband feel because although I love my husband and like us to spend time all together, I also enjoy spending time with my children alone. I do feel a lot closer to them when I do because I can devote all my attention to them. We are lucky that we can afford both as I wouldn't like to pick one or the other, however, I do make many sacrifices with my budget so that I can take my kids away just us. Like your husband, I can separate my marriage to my being a mum and as much as I want memories of all of us together as a family and as a married couple, I also want memories of me and my kids as a unit.

I also understand how he feels in relation to her age. I work hard, feel exhausted most of the time, so holiday time is highly valued. It is the time we get to really enjoy ourselves. Like your husband, I know that I don't have that much longer to do that with my two teenagers. DD is already talking about working all next summer and she will then be off to Uni so I also feel this pressure to make the best of our quality time together. I have all the time to come to enjoy holidays with my OH, the cherry on the top being that we will be able to go outside of school holidays!

I am lucky that my OH understand how I feel and does encourage me to make the best of my time with my children. He too goes away with friends, so it all balances out.

I think you need to seat down and review your budget as you should both be entitled to the same disposable income so that you can both make the same choices, ie. taking your kids away separarely in addition to a joint holiday, even if it means one being shorter/less exotic than the other.

Me & my h don't do anything together with mine! It all together or him on his own with d. That's my point, she's never left out of our things but mine are. Not substitute dad at all my kids love their dad & he sees tgem regular, he just hasnt taken them away. When you marry someone with children shouldn't you take on the whole package? That's what I did!

What a mess! No way would I stand for this but it depends what arrangement you have in the first place.

For instance did you lose benefits or anything when he moved in?

He is correct when he says your DC aren't his responsibility. It is a sad response but didn't you know this was his approach to your children before you moved him in?

The fact he takes you and his dd for lunch only when your DC aren't around is so sad. A tad greedy & resentful imo.

I just couldn't live this way.

Yeah you might love him but loving him comes at a very high price doesn't it? - your happiness.

Yes your right. Yes I lost benefits as only work part time. He had never lived with kids before living with me. I just don't get a say when it's to do with him & his d. I just have to accept it whatever. I let her have sleep overs (her friends round) I let her bring her friend to my daughter's birthday party & I have taken her out just her & I or her with my kids. My h has never taken my kids with him & his d. Has to change

Seems you really need to have a chat with him about how he sees future holidays working out and whether this year is a one off or he doesn't ever anticipate going away with you & your DC

It's hard to say who IBU without knowing what agreements were made before you got married and moved in together

Perhaps from his POV he can't afford to take all 6 of you away together but can afford a cheap break with his D, and he feels like not taking her away means that she is missing on something they would have previously done together

Your financial situation is very unfair and he is taking advantage of you.
You paid all his expenses when he wasn't earning, but now you split everything 50/50 even though you earn less. That is completely wrong IMO.

When your DH married you, your DC were part of the package. It looks as though he wants to ignore and exclude them. Why do you think he married you OP? Do you do the bulk of childcare, shopping, cooking and laundry for everyone?

Things like this always confuse me...do you and DH not communicate and make decisions and plans together?? I find it very strange.
In most families, you discuss what holidays you are having that year, decide how much money the family can afford for holidays and then decide how it should be spent.
I know that holidays and short breaks are a luxury and when you're struggling financially sometimes there's just no money left in the pot for holidays, but I don't think I've ever heard before of one half of a married couple getting a break and the other half not getting a break at all. That's not on at all.

I do all the cooking/washing cleaning up. We never agreements in the beginning about holidays. He's only had a few holidays with his d as he's never been able to afford it, in fact until he met me he wasn't in a good place financially or other wise, didn't have a decent place to live & was broke! He now has good credit because I helped him pay some debts. This break with his d came out of the blue a few weeks ago. We do discuss things but as I said if it's about anything which involves his d he gets v defensive & it normally ends up in a row. After one row he actually said in response to something "I talk to them" I said so are my kids privileged because you talk to them. I thought we were over all our issues because of something that occurred & us working it out with some time apart but I feel that maybe it's going wrong again. It just annoys me that he can't see what I mean without accusing me of being jealous or bitter. I have said so many times, it's not the fact he is going that upsets me it's the fact I am not in a position to do the same not only that I would like my husband to share things with us. That's why I married him, if the kids were all ours together we wouldn't go away separately, I have also said that if my x was in position to take my kids away like his d goes away a lot then I wouldn't feel so bad for them. We went on honeymoon, paid for I might add, present! No kids, was lovely, I felt bad about that, going without my kids but my friend told me to enjoy as I had only been abroad once when I was 13. I am now 44! My h has since said about us going away again but I have said I wouldn't go away alone again before I had taken the kids somewhere, his included (despite her having lots of hols) but I have never & would never dream of not involving her. I am not a selfish person & I am not thinking about myself I think about all of us. I tried to point out to him that the only one's he is thinking about is him & his d. He asked if he should move out to make life easier, it's getting to the point that I might just say yes as few other issues yoo. V hearbreaking when my d (6 y) writes notes to him telling him how much she loves him & how great he is. He says he thinks my kids are great too but obviously not great enough to want to go away together!

It's getting to that point!! Blimey, it is nice to hear that I'm not in the wrong, the thing is when your always blamed you do start to doubt yourself! & the start of this forum I did start yo think I was because of some comments. I thought that maybe he has a point!,
& actually, if I told the half of it all would say then why put up with it!
As a woman he treats me lovlier than I've ever been used too but it's the rest of it I don't like that makes me unhappy, maybe that's why I am trying to hold on but I am starting to feel that it just isn't worth holding on too!! Oh dear, I sound v much like poor me poor me, that isn't me either! I only come on this forum because I was searching for similar stories, to maybe find out if it really was me!

Only came on forum!, my grammar is terrible!

But he doesn't treat you in a lovely way does he, not when he actually has to put his money where his mouth is. Any decent DH wouldn't want to see his wife and stepchild going without, especially after you supported him when he was down on his luck financially. Talk is cheap, my Ex was the same, told me all the time he loved me but his actions spoke very differently. I feel sad for you if this is the loveliest you've ever been treated

Hmm. So has he paid you back for any of the debts that you helped him to pay off when he was skint, now that he has some money? I know that you probably weren't expecting him to, but given that the situation has flipped and you are now much worse off as a result of his moving in, it would be the decent thing for him to do - even if it was in the form of putting an extra £100/month into the kitty - although obviously it would be better if it went back into your savings, even if done over the course of a year, rather than as a single lump sum.

If I were you, I'd also look up the budgeting sheets on MoneySavingExpert and fill them in - twice. Once to see how things are now you are together, and to see how much money you both have over once everything essential has been paid for. And once to see how things would have been different if you weren't married and if there were just three of you in the house rather than the five.

Because it seems like he has a very strong 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine' attitude that's causing problems for you and your dc.

Just out of interest - if you hadn't helped your dh with his debts but had saved that money - would you now have the money to take your dc on holiday? If you would then it would definitely be worth mentioning it in a conversation. And if he says about you being selfish and jealous - then yes, point out that it's really selfish of you to help him pay off his debts when he needed help. And maybe when you're budgeting you will be able to show that his dd gets stuff that your dc don't (is there any significant age difference - is he not used to younger dc that might appear to 'want' more toys, just because they're younger, see more toy adverts and say ooh that looks good, I'd love one of those - whereas at 13 his dd might be older and not want loads of toys, but just want a single (albeit more expensive!) thing like an ipad. So - sorry I'm not explaining very well - although he hears your dc say they want things iit's just because they're younger and want toys?)

My daughter is younger, one of my son's is few years older & middle son same age. He doesn't see any of it, tried to point out recently but still boils down to fact he wants to spend some time with his d. It's like arghhh, I am not suggesting he doesn't!!

It'll probably be easier if you just take your kids away for the weekend somewhere fun for them. If you try to arrange it to include your DH and his DD, a) it would be logistically more difficult and b) it probably won't happen anyway! Is it possible for you to sort something for the same weekend he's going, doesn't have to be expensive...kids love camping, and that can be cheap to arrange!

It all together or him on his own with d. That's my point, she's never left out of our things but mine are

But would you agree to go away with OH and his daughter without your children? Yet it seemed to be what you expect your OH to do.

I do struggle to clearly understand what it is that upset you. Is it that your OH seems to be able to afford to take his DD away when you can't take your children away? Or is it because you think that because DD gets to go on holiday not only with her mother but also alone with her dad, your OH should want to spend time with your and your children without his DD?

I'm sorry but I don't agree with your mindset and can understand his frustration. It's as if you just tolerate that he can spend time with his DD, but that you resent him for not wanting to spend time with your children without her.

What you need to do firstly is talk money so that you have a similar disposable income at the end of it (maybe that might require that you consider full-time work?). Then you need to agree whether you both get to take your kids away seperately, or whether you pull in and all go away all together. Ideally, it would be nice if you could afford to do both so maybe you can review your income/budget and consider whether that could be possible?

He sounds like a cocklodger who has treated you like a sugar mummy!

When he had no money you paid his debts. You lost out on tax credits when he moved in but now he's got more cash he doesn't share it?! He is taking the piss!

think that the problem is that you want your husband to be a substitute dad to your children. He is not. He is your husband and he owes your children to treat them with respect and care, not to treat them like his children. It is not his fault that their dad isn't acting like the father you think they deserve.

As someone in a step family I couldn't disagree with this^ more.

When you get married to someone with DCs you take on the whole package.

"think that the problem is that you want your husband to be a substitute dad to your children. He is not. He is your husband and he owes your children to treat them with respect and care, not to treat them like his children. It is not his fault that their dad isn't acting like the father you think they deserve."

^^ let me tell you, I am on holiday now with dh and my ds 15 (not his). Just the 3 of us, as his didn't want to come. Today, dh referred to ds as "our son" to someone he was talking to. How did it feel? Pure bliss to be honest. Ds's dad takes no interest in him so yes, i feel completely blessed to have such an amazing person in my son's life who, I might add, takes responsibility for him.

Why is that wrong?

Why is that wrong?
Nothing wrong if DH is happy with that and it isn't not impacting on his relationship with his own children. Unfortunately, it often does. Why did his kids not want to come?

Why would that impact on his relationship with his children? He doesn't love his children any less. Two of his children are away with their partners and they younger with her mother, she was asked to come. My ds is the youngest of them.

Why would that impact on his relationship with his children?
Jealousy? Telling your children that you love them is not normally enough, showing thatyou do by putting you at the top of your priority does.

I don't know your circumstances and how it came about that you went on holiday without his daughter if she was asked to join, so can't comment, but I think it most cases, it will leave a bad feeling if the children don't get to go on any holiday with their dad when their step-siblings do so instead.

Swingofthings, if my sd was asked to come but decided to go with her mother, does that mean the rest of us should not go on holiday? And by treating my children as his own (which he does), why would that encourage jealousy as dh bends over backwards and can't do enough for his own?

Without knowing more it's hard to judge, but my adult sc have refused to accept me from day one, are rude and dismissive- I wouldn't dream of holidaying with them. Anyway sorry op didn't mean to hijack thread