Am I an evil stepmum?

[dopeydee]

Morning Mumsnetters,

I am seeking an outside opinion from you over your morning cup of coffee.

To give you a quick summary; I am stepmum to a four year old and also have a one year old with my husband. I work full time and run the household finances, do the shopping, cooking, washing etc. Also due to the fact that my husband is currently on a driving ban I do all associated driving for our son, pick DH up from work and half the driving for DSS (mum doing the other half).

My husband is a great father and has a very generous custody arrangement. We have DSS one weekday evening and Saturday morning through to Sunday lunchtime every week. This has recently been informally extended to 4pm on a Sunday. At which point my husband is so exhausted that he typically collapses on the sofa and doesn't move.

DSS is, due to the nature of a split family, a demanding child. When he is with us he requires my husbands undivided attention. Which I do understand as he idolises DH and wants to make the most of any time with him.

The strain is starting to show and I have to confess that I am beginning to resent DH and DSS. I feel like I am cook, cleaner, taxi driver... really just at everyone's beck and call.

I also admit that I am envious of DSS mum who doesn't work and has the whole weekend off. I know this is irrelevant to my situation but I can't help but compare.

I have had some RELATE counselling to try and deal with this and out of that came the suggestion that we revert to the previous arrangement of DSS going back to his mums at lunchtime, giving us Sunday afternoon to relax and DH to help with the chores.

Having suggested this to DH, he has flipped out. Accusing me of hating his son (I think he has picked up on the building resentment), being jealous, asking me "how would you feel if someone took DS from you for half the week" etc. He has said that I am making him choose between me and DSS and he will choose DSS.

I know that DSS is not the problem here, but it seems like the most practical solution. Is it a reasonable request to ask DSS to visit for a few less hours per week?

Agree with everyone else. You need to sort your dh out, not reduce contact with dss.

The arrangement you describe as 'very generous'...well, it just isn't. It's standard fair for many families in the same boat.
And 'generous' is a telling sort of word to use...generous is descriptive of giving behaviour that is above and beyond that which is required. Your dh is nothing like generous. He's not doing his son/ex wife a nice guy favour.

Your dh is a lazy lump. If he was stepping up to the plate you wouldn't be feeling as you do.

Reducing contact time by 4 hours will change nothing,

Clearly the OP thinks it will. For whatever reason, the OP finds a later drop off difficult and therefore, in the absence of her DP stepping up, her way of reducing the burden on her is to ask that drop offs return to the previous schedule. It's not down to anyone else to dictate that she's wrong about that.

It does make a refreshing change to see a stepmum being told that she should act in a way that will stop contact - even though in this case the OP is trying to ensure it continues!

Then your DP is a dick cheeky.

I could not imagine being with a man who would neglect his children that way. Nor would I be with a man who wasn't safe enough to look after his children. Your views on the OPs problem are clouded by the fact that your DP is a lazy git too and I can't for the life of me understand why any women would but up with it let alone procreate with it

I cant believe people are suggesting that instead of trying to fix this problem the op should just send her dss home early instead.
Fucking hell.
How about either he stops being a lazy arse or you split up?
Tell him that he needs to make the journey to take dss home on public transport.
Fixing the weekend problem wont solve the problem that this mans mugging you off.
He's still a lazy dick the rest of the week.

Oh good somebody else than can see where the problem lies.

Sadly a lot of SM would rather blame SDC than deal with Disney dad/shit partner. Much easier to blame the child and get rid of them than tackle the adult. This bloke is a shit parent and a shit husband but getting rid of the child for 4 hours will solve all of that

" a very generous custody arrangement "

that is not 'very generous' it is normal.
And your DH is not really being 'generous' is he?
Sounds like he could do more but is used to having women around him enabling him to be a lazy arse.
I know it is picky but could people please stop talking about 'custody' - that term has not been used for many years, with good reason.

Ahhcheeky your situation is shit and I really hope you can leave it for your sake and your children's.
Surely though you wouldn't want another women to become down trodden and stuck being house maid? Encouraging the OP to tackle this now rather than just accepting it is the best way forward?

How about either he stops being a lazy arse or you split up?
Tell him that he needs to make the journey to take dss home on public transport.
Fixing the weekend problem wont solve the problem that this mans mugging you off.

Yep - LTB and he'll quite likely find some other woman to take advantage of; or just not bother to see either of his DCs; the ultimate punishment of them, I would have thought?

As for him getting public transport to take his DS home - if he doesn't, then what? The OP is stuck with her DSS for even longer - probably until the mother turns up to pick him up.

Fixing the weekend problem may be all that the OP is ready to do right now; RL is very different from the MN ideal of throwing a lazy man out on his ear.

Wow, that escalated!

To clarify I did mean that the arrangements were generous towards DH. Any other separated parents that I know of are EOW arrangements and we are lucky to see DSS every week.

I have bought this subject up with DH over the weekend and used some of the comments in this thread as material i.e. wanting DSS to be part of the family rather than an honoured guest, that I am not here to facilitate their relationship etc.

In response to the suggestions that I go on strike, on paper that plan seems like a good idea but I think it would cause more hassle than it is worth... it is easier just to stick his washing in with mine rather than initiate WW3. Also if I were to stop doing the driving, MIL or DSS mum would probably step in and ask him or me why I wasn't doing it anymore. I imagine that would look to them like I was obstructing DSS visits.

Also if I were to stop doing the driving, MIL or DSS mum would probably step in and ask him or me why I wasn't doing it anymore.

My response to that would be 'because it's not my responsibility, it's DH's' And if MIL had such a problem with it I'd be saying: 'Well, if you have such a problem with me not doing the driving anymore why don't you take on that role - problem solved.'

"it is easier just to stick his washing in with mine rather than initiate WW3"

I've never done his washing. I find it far easier just to, you know, not. He does it. I do mine. He does dss.

I have offered to do some of his this week as I have two days off and he is working away three days, has one day off and one day working at home (I am working away one day and working at home the other two, plus we have a guest dog staying and a child from a Chernobyl charity, oh and dss all week..........so not idle).

Do yourself a favour and just leave.

This man is lazy and takes advantage of what you do for him as in everything basically. Do you really want to deal with a man who has zero understanding and flips out over a simple discussion.

YWBU to send the DSS away early just because your husband claims to be tired at 4.

I think the OP is trying to teach him and not be a confrontation first. basically if he is too lazy to look after his son then why should she do it all because the little lamb wanted to chill or whatever. So send him home. I can see that as trying to correct the lazy husband.

Scorpio why are you resurrecting dead threads from years ago?
zombie thread

Scorpios having a great time unleashing all these zombies.

Generous custody .

What would you do if it went 50/50?

Why should the little boy lose out on his small amount of contact simply because you have a DH problem?

This thread is 4 years old.