Am I an evil stepmum?

[dopeydee]

Morning Mumsnetters,

I am seeking an outside opinion from you over your morning cup of coffee.

To give you a quick summary; I am stepmum to a four year old and also have a one year old with my husband. I work full time and run the household finances, do the shopping, cooking, washing etc. Also due to the fact that my husband is currently on a driving ban I do all associated driving for our son, pick DH up from work and half the driving for DSS (mum doing the other half).

My husband is a great father and has a very generous custody arrangement. We have DSS one weekday evening and Saturday morning through to Sunday lunchtime every week. This has recently been informally extended to 4pm on a Sunday. At which point my husband is so exhausted that he typically collapses on the sofa and doesn't move.

DSS is, due to the nature of a split family, a demanding child. When he is with us he requires my husbands undivided attention. Which I do understand as he idolises DH and wants to make the most of any time with him.

The strain is starting to show and I have to confess that I am beginning to resent DH and DSS. I feel like I am cook, cleaner, taxi driver... really just at everyone's beck and call.

I also admit that I am envious of DSS mum who doesn't work and has the whole weekend off. I know this is irrelevant to my situation but I can't help but compare.

I have had some RELATE counselling to try and deal with this and out of that came the suggestion that we revert to the previous arrangement of DSS going back to his mums at lunchtime, giving us Sunday afternoon to relax and DH to help with the chores.

Having suggested this to DH, he has flipped out. Accusing me of hating his son (I think he has picked up on the building resentment), being jealous, asking me "how would you feel if someone took DS from you for half the week" etc. He has said that I am making him choose between me and DSS and he will choose DSS.

I know that DSS is not the problem here, but it seems like the most practical solution. Is it a reasonable request to ask DSS to visit for a few less hours per week?

Your husband doesn't pull his weight around the house, so I'm not surprised you feel resentful.

If you work full time you should be splitting household jobs equally.

I don't see why this should affect your DSS's arrangements. Whether DSS is there or not there is a minimum amount which your DH needs to be doing around the house.

Keep DSS out of it and sort out the division of labour with your partner.

Why would you deliberately say that in front of his daughter? That's appalling behaviour. I hope you apologised.

I don't think 3 said it deliberately in front of her, she was, as she said , at the end of her tether and realises it probably wasn't the best thing to do so IMO not deliberate.

The appalling behaviour is all these dads allowing the step mums to take over their role and let them do everything.

Agree with others, it's not your dss that is the issue at all, it's your oh not helping you out at all. You need to have a chat with him about helping out more around the house. Being knackered at 4pm on a Sunday is a joke.

I think you may have hit the nail on your head when you said that your DSS is a demanding child due to the nature of a split family. Your experience of a split family is that a DC is given undivided attention by their NRP and yes, as a result, a DC can become demanding.

But, that is not othe only "split fmaily" model. Many NR Households carry on "as normal" when the NRC is there; there is down time, when the NRC is expected to entertain themselves, there are chores that the NRChild is responsible for or helps with - they are a fully functioning member of the family, not a guest who required the undivided attention of their parent.

I suggest your DP and his DS establish some traditions of their own - cooking pizza for the family every Saturday night, mowing the lawn on a Sunday morning, cleaning the bathroom after bathing the baby. As your DSS gets older, he can begin to take responsibility for some chores alone and is quite capable of occupying himself with a book or game for half an hour at a time while your DP does housework.

Hang on!! You would rather have a 4 yo do chores who is only there twice a week, than your lazy arse husband who got banned from driving due to his own stupidity

WTF!

I only read page one but had to comment after that bright idea. Yes OP punish the child by reducing contact time all because his father is a lazy shit husband.

Did the op say that ragina? I think it was a general suggestion for SC to have their part in the family to feel more like a family unit and not a guest. 4 may be too young for mowing the lawn but even my 2.5 yr old tidies his toys away (with lots of encouragement)

I should add that I expect no less from my dsc who are here EOW, they are not here to be waited on hand and foot, nor would they expect that now

Add message | Report | Message poster dopeydee Wed 29-Jul-15 09:36:56
DSS helping with chores is a great idea. DH has always been rubbish at housework, his mum and previous partner always did everything. This might well focus his attention!

Zero fucking mention in there if lazy DH getting off his arse and help. Just an excuse from the OP as to why he is a lazy. Fucking arse.

Oh, I read that as DH

By the way I have no issue with children tidying up after themselves but I do have an issue when an adult is excused from it simply because "oh bless him he's rubbish it at it"

Teach children by example. If his own father is a layabout who lets his wife do everything including parent his child then how do you expect the child to learn. I love the way the adults behaviour is excused but it is the 4 year old that is the problem and the solution is to cut contact time!

OP stop treating the adult like a child and stop treating the child like an adult. Your issues are with your DH not your DSS, he is FOUR YEARS OLD!

No, you are right, DH needs to get off his butt! I just missed that post and thought it was reference to one later down the thread

T happens. Tbh I only read the first page before I posted so ran the risk of OP seeing the light on page 2 and realising her DH is a prick

Your husband needs to do the cooking, washing and household chores that don't require driving (i.e. split all of the housework 50/50 with you, bearing in mind that you have to do all of the driving).

He must also have the required energy to look after his son for the entire duration of his contact time with his son.

TiedUpWithString 's advice above is excellent, particularly about your husband taking you out for dinner on Sunday evenings. Perhaps he could also take both children out somewhere at the weekend for a couple of hours so that you can relax.

Blimey, your DH might want to come and spend a week in our house. I'm a single mum to a 4yo, run my own business full time and have my DD every weekend, her dad having done a runner. I also do all the housework too! Lazy bones needs a kick up the bottom.

"very generous custody arrangements" - for you or mum? because 2 overnights and two days isnt overly generous, hes dss father and thats actually bare minimum imo.

your dh needs to get up off his arse. and you need to stop excusing and pandering to him.

and let him make any changes to care in september 2016 with dss mum. not you, its his responsibility.

10am Saturday to 4pm Sunday with a 4 year old shouldnt render a growmn man inable to stay awake or do chores. get him to get a blood test if hes that wiped out. and then shove a broom up his arse.

The issue is not with the visitation arrangements but with the sharing of every day responsibilities between you and your OH. After all, if you had another child and found yourself in the same situation, you couldn't decide to send one of them away for half the week-end to make things easier, you would have to find another way.

It's a pity that instead of bringing up the issue of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, you went straight into suggesting that your ss comes less hours which for your OH is very much rejecting his son.

What he needs though is recognise all what you do and that you are struggling. I totally understand this feeling of resentment with the OH not working when you are battling exhaustion, but in the end, as you've said, you can't make decision on what is best for you on the basis that she has it easier.

My advice would be to take one typical week and write down everything you do and everything he does. Then talk to him to tell him how you feel and if he starts arguing, then show him the list, not in a way 'well take that, it will show you', but for him to consider the divide of responsibilities. Let him digest it and come back to you with his own suggestions.

Deary me, you pick up DH from work?? Your problem is your man child, not your step child. Kids are hard, step, bio, whatever. They're ALL demanding. I have a blended household myself so I get that it's too easy to put everything on the step child. But a step child is just a child and you can't hold him responsible for your unhappiness with the situation. I think you're forgetting that stepson is a big brother whose role is important to your little one. Nurture that role, that sibling relationship. You made a commitment to be a mother and step mother. When your own child becomes demanding, that's it, your stuck. There's no ex wife to take your own child off your hands. A weekend and a day a week is not an unreasonable amount of time to have your stepson. He's in your life and you have a role to honour here. And don't worry about how much ex works or doesn't work. What happens behind your closed doors is not her business and vice versa. Don't think about her. You're babying and coddling DH and it's too demanding. Your life sounds exhausting and it's not because of your stepson. I just think you don't have spare energy for his needs. Understandably. It's all on you. For one, stop being DH's taxi!!! I don't drive. I have kids. I would never ask my DH to ferry me around. If I can manage teens, buggies, and primary schoolers on public transport, your DH can grab a bus alone. Stop being a mug.

Thank you all for your insights. I can now see that source of the problem is with the division of labour rather than DSS. Exactly what I needed from you all.

To clarify I did mean DSS help DH with chores so that they are still doing something together but also helping me at the same time, not making DSS scrub the floors when he is round!

How do other mummies manage everything?! From the moment me and DS wake up at 6.30am until probably 9.30pm I am constantly on the go!

Some manage because they have to others manage because their partner does their share.

I hope lazy arse listens to you OP and starts taking some responsibility