Am I an evil stepmum?

[dopeydee]

Morning Mumsnetters,

I am seeking an outside opinion from you over your morning cup of coffee.

To give you a quick summary; I am stepmum to a four year old and also have a one year old with my husband. I work full time and run the household finances, do the shopping, cooking, washing etc. Also due to the fact that my husband is currently on a driving ban I do all associated driving for our son, pick DH up from work and half the driving for DSS (mum doing the other half).

My husband is a great father and has a very generous custody arrangement. We have DSS one weekday evening and Saturday morning through to Sunday lunchtime every week. This has recently been informally extended to 4pm on a Sunday. At which point my husband is so exhausted that he typically collapses on the sofa and doesn't move.

DSS is, due to the nature of a split family, a demanding child. When he is with us he requires my husbands undivided attention. Which I do understand as he idolises DH and wants to make the most of any time with him.

The strain is starting to show and I have to confess that I am beginning to resent DH and DSS. I feel like I am cook, cleaner, taxi driver... really just at everyone's beck and call.

I also admit that I am envious of DSS mum who doesn't work and has the whole weekend off. I know this is irrelevant to my situation but I can't help but compare.

I have had some RELATE counselling to try and deal with this and out of that came the suggestion that we revert to the previous arrangement of DSS going back to his mums at lunchtime, giving us Sunday afternoon to relax and DH to help with the chores.

Having suggested this to DH, he has flipped out. Accusing me of hating his son (I think he has picked up on the building resentment), being jealous, asking me "how would you feel if someone took DS from you for half the week" etc. He has said that I am making him choose between me and DSS and he will choose DSS.

I know that DSS is not the problem here, but it seems like the most practical solution. Is it a reasonable request to ask DSS to visit for a few less hours per week?

how do other mummies manage eveything

Easy, I'm married to someone who does his fair share around the house. Not only that, but when my DSD stayed when she was younger, he didn't use it as an excuse to do nothing but stuff with her as we were a family.

if I don't drive him to work we would lose an income

Are you serious, OP? Are you saying he couldn't/wouldn't get himself to work if you didn't get him there?

You do have a problem child, but it isn't your 4 year old dss.

It sounds as though all your dh does is go to work (ferried there and back by you) and play with his dss - I don't see any mention of time spent with your ds either - does his father get up with him in the morning, for example? Or is that your job too?

Totally agree that the issue is that your DH is lazy. Train him up. It doesn't have to be a battle of the sexes. Just a civil chat about how knackered you feel. Make a list of all the jobs that need doing every day/week and take turns to choose 50% of them each. If he's not an utter tosser he'll get used to it fairly quickly and learn to appreciate you.
I've never understood why women do everything and then end up so fragile and shattered. You have a partner. He can do half. That's what partnership means.

If you don't drive him it probably means he just has to get up earlier.

I don't drive and I manage fine and with a toddler

I manage because my husband does his share. Are you sure that there is no way he could get to work? Are there no busses? How far is it? Could he cycle? He was stupid enough to lose his licence so he should be finding ways to sort it himself.

How do other mummies manage everything?! From the moment me and DS wake up at 6.30am until probably 9.30pm I am constantly on the go!

I was a single mum of a 4 and 1 yo with no help from family, working full-time in a demanding job. I coped believing that I was doing the right thing and that things would get easier. I took each day at a time and prioritised. I installed discipline and routine asap so that things could go as smoothly as possible. I didn't have much of a life but felt very blessed to be a mum to my wonderful children and that got me through.

We work as a partnership - dp takes me to the station and picks me up if I am working in London which can be a day or two, or more, a week. But I don't think that makes me a child - it saves us £13 a day in parking. It does mean we both get up early those days (5.30am for me, 6am for him as all he has to do is have a wee and fall into the car).

When he flies abroad I often take him to the station around the same time. It's about a 20 min drive - it's also a lot less stressful being dropped outside than having to go and park and walk back to the station.

BUT - the difference is, neither of us has lost our licence and both of us do sensible amounts of household chores. I admit he probably does more, if I am in London leaving at 6am and getting home at 7.30pm and he is working at home then that makes sense. When I work from home and he is out, it's the other way around. I also make him do a bit more anyway as dss is his son - no Disney-ing here! He does all dss laundry, deals with his school clothes, manages him doing his chores and cleans his bathroom with/for him etc.

Other than that things get split depending on preference. He's never cleaned a bathroom, I've never cleaned a car. I don't hoover, he doesn't clean windows. It's just ended up like that, works out reasonably fair, though dp has a paddy now and then that he does more than me.

Agreed, you manage because you have to.

I'm a LP who works full time. In the week we prioritise work, eating and sleeping. Anything over and above that is a bonus.

Saturday is doing jobs, shopping, cleaning and chasing my tail.

Sunday is family day when I do something nice with the children.

We are very streamlined! Nothing unnecessary is given head space.

Who the fuck are you calling a fool 3cheeky?

Only a fool would say nasty things about a child in front of them and I don't believe for one second you didn't realise she could hear.

Nothing is wrong asking him to tidy his toys away but what is wrong is that the lazy arse husband is excused from chores and that the solution is to cut contact time.

Oh and nobody thought she would have the boy scrubbing floors

I don't think 3Cheeky was singling you out as a fool Regina. You did make it clear that you had not read each page . I don't think the OP said she'd said anything nasty about the DSS .

I also think the OP gets the problem now. Remember she was advised via Relate to bring up the amount of time the DSS was there at the weekend and then suffered the fall out. I still back the idea of trying to increase DSS's presence in the home to normalise his being there to make him less like a guest.

Yes but the OPs comment which I posted above makes it clear her DH is excused from any chores as ya know he's just a man

Also I never said she was nasty to or said anything nasty about DSS

I don't think the OP, or any stepmum , could be blamed for wanting to reduce contact with the stepDCs in this situation. The DP is undoubtedly the problem, but it's not the OPs responsibility to ensure her DSS has a specified amount of contact with his Dad. If the OPs DP would rather see less of his DS than help the OP out, then that's not really her call. I certainly don't think she should shoulder the majority of the household burden in order to maintain the level of contact they currently have.

If the OPs DP refuses to pull his weight (and it's just not possible to make someone do something) then the OP has only two choices; continue as she is, or split from her DP. If they split, I imagine contact between her OP and his DS will be even less frequent than it is now.

Ok cheeky so she punishes the little boy because her DH is a lazy git. Why not refuse to drive him to work, make him use public transport until he changes his ways? Why punish the child by reducing contact time?

Well, she's not punishing the child, is she?

She is saying to her DP "you know what? This is too hard? If you don't take your share of responsibility in the home then I'm not going to pick up the slack and help you meet your responsibility towards others."

Her DP is the one whose choosing not to pull his weight.

So use the child as a weapon then?

By reducing the contact time until he stops being lazy is using the child as a weapon and the one who loses out is this little boy.

Stop taking the lazy git to work.
Stop cooking his meals.
Stop doing his washing.

Punish him until he changes not the child but I suppose punishing the child is easier than dealing with the adult

it is not a stepmums responsibility to facilitate contact.

I'd be spitting feathers if I found out that my ex was using DD as an excuse to leave his DW with all th household chores, and even more pissed off if he delegated as much of his own parenting responsibility onto his DW as the OP appears to be doing for her DSS.

The idea of contact is so that the DC gets the opportunity to be parented by their NRP - not by their stepparent, who is run into the ground as a result. Of course, there are some RP who don't give a stuff whose actually doing the parenting as long as contact takes place and they get a break.

Because contact time is about the child seeing the NRP. To take that away because his father is useless will have more of an impact on the child than it will the lazy dad. There are 4 other days in the week when the boy isn't there and lazy git doesn't do anything on those days so why make this about the child?

The OP needs to stop making excuses and stop blaming this on the little boy being there. If she doesn't want to pick him up so be it but I doubt her DH will use that child free time to spring clean the bloody house.

I think she should stop parenting the little boy, I think she should stop picking him up. I don't think holding contact time to ransome is the right way to go. There is a difference between saying " I will no longer be a parent to DSS and you will need to meet all his needs" and " we will reduce contact time until you pull your weight" One is putting the responsibility firmly back on the fathers shoulders the other is using the child as a weapon/tool to get DH to comply.