Am I an evil stepmum?

[dopeydee]

Morning Mumsnetters,

I am seeking an outside opinion from you over your morning cup of coffee.

To give you a quick summary; I am stepmum to a four year old and also have a one year old with my husband. I work full time and run the household finances, do the shopping, cooking, washing etc. Also due to the fact that my husband is currently on a driving ban I do all associated driving for our son, pick DH up from work and half the driving for DSS (mum doing the other half).

My husband is a great father and has a very generous custody arrangement. We have DSS one weekday evening and Saturday morning through to Sunday lunchtime every week. This has recently been informally extended to 4pm on a Sunday. At which point my husband is so exhausted that he typically collapses on the sofa and doesn't move.

DSS is, due to the nature of a split family, a demanding child. When he is with us he requires my husbands undivided attention. Which I do understand as he idolises DH and wants to make the most of any time with him.

The strain is starting to show and I have to confess that I am beginning to resent DH and DSS. I feel like I am cook, cleaner, taxi driver... really just at everyone's beck and call.

I also admit that I am envious of DSS mum who doesn't work and has the whole weekend off. I know this is irrelevant to my situation but I can't help but compare.

I have had some RELATE counselling to try and deal with this and out of that came the suggestion that we revert to the previous arrangement of DSS going back to his mums at lunchtime, giving us Sunday afternoon to relax and DH to help with the chores.

Having suggested this to DH, he has flipped out. Accusing me of hating his son (I think he has picked up on the building resentment), being jealous, asking me "how would you feel if someone took DS from you for half the week" etc. He has said that I am making him choose between me and DSS and he will choose DSS.

I know that DSS is not the problem here, but it seems like the most practical solution. Is it a reasonable request to ask DSS to visit for a few less hours per week?

So you do care

Surely the way to go about it is to tell hubby on Saturday afternoon that she is going out for 3 hours to relax somewhere, and she leaves OH with both children. When she comes back, she doesn't cook dinner until the house is vaccumed/the washing is folded, or whatever else she expects OH to do.

Until she continues to do things and just moan about it, nothing will happen and he will have the excuse to say that she is the problem. So just deal with it. By letting him alone with his children for a few hours, he gets his precious time with both his children, and he will have no choice but to get a move on. Maybe then he will appreciate what OP does around the house.

My DH never sleeps when his kids are here, he values the time he has with them, not the time I have with them. I won't run around after them and if he can't get them them he doesn't see them. It's not my responsibility and I knew that the moment I "got with someone with children"

regina. How come you support the idea that that OP stops collecting her DSS for contact if you're so convinced that the DC should be unaffected by this?

Surely, if the OP refuses to collect, or care for her DSS, then he just won't see his dad at all?

Why is that ok in your eyes, but the OPs suggestion that she drops her DSS home a few hours earlier isn't?

I would leave DH at home with the baby and get him to cook the meals and you go out with DSS and do something different. Change of roles might help everyone.

You put it better than me Peruvian,

You'd be surprised 3cheeky

The problem is that you are not behaving like a family with 2 sons. It is OK at the moment because your youngest is only a baby and hasn't noticed that his brother gets more attention at the weekend.
Rather than cutting down on hours you need to be doing more together and treating the two children equally.

3cheeky, sometimes if feels like my dsc's mum doesn't care who has the kids on a Friday night, as long as it's not her. She's palmed them off to go to a party when one was very ill (DH would have had them had he known and was more upset for ds) and they have hardy woken up in their own home on Saturday morning.
I

Pervuvian there is a difference between stopping the free taxi service which is not the OPs responsibility and holding contact time to ransome until DH gets off his lazy arse. The latter makes contact time a weapon to get what the OP wants where the former is making contact time the fathers responsibility which it always should be. I don't know why there is only me that can see the stark difference between the two.

Is she chained to the house? Does she have to be there and babysit? Is he holding a gun to her head and forcing her to drive and pick up his son? No is the answer.

This man isn't pulling his weight any day of the week and four hours difference on a Sunday isn't going to change that as I doubt while she is out dropping DSS back at home at 12 DH will set to cleaning the house and preparing a roast.
The problem isn't the extra 4 hours the problem is lazy DH and the OP allowing him to be lazy. OP seems to think reducing contact by 4 hours and going back to 12 o clock drop off will solve the problem but it won't. Her DHdoesnt do anything around the hom don there or not, she says do in her OP.

OP shouldn't be fitting contact time what she should be doing is stop being a martyr, stop making excuses for her lazy husband and start standing up for herself.

You say she cannot MAKE him clean, well he cannot make her drive him everywhere, collect his son, cook for him, clean for him or babysit the little boy either. It works both ways.

Wait so you think the answer is to take 4 hours of contact time away from the little boy to make her life easier? How is that fair, he is a child and has no control over this. This is the OPs problem and she should be dealing with DH and not bringing the child in to this. What would happen if he ended up having to live with them? What would the OP do then?

Why should it be that the little boy loses out, why won't the OP as an adult turn to her husband as say no more, no driving, no cleaning/cooking/washing done for you and no babysitting until you start pulling your weight. As I said I very much doubt just because he doesn't have his son for 4 hours on a Sunday he will suddenly start cleaning and cooking so the boy loses out on time with his dad and the OP will still be doing it all. The change in contact time will solve nothing the OP needs to stand up for herself and stop being such a doormat.

why won't the OP as an adult turn to her husband as say no more, no driving, no cleaning/cooking/washing done for you and no babysitting until you start pulling your weight.

Um, because then a little boy won't see his Dad at all?

The OP is trying to balance her needs with those of her DSS (and her own DS).

I cannot fathom how the OP withdrawing all support is better than putting boundaries on what she's prepared to do. She's willing to continue to put herself out, so that the little boy still sees his dad and half brother, despite his dad's flakiness, and you're flaming her for it?!?

I think that it is time to change the pattern. Up to now you have had a baby DS and a visitor at weekends.
Now that the baby is going to notice more you ought to start treating them as brothers and a family of four or both the boys are going to end up resentful. The elder because he isn't seen as one of the family and his brother gets his father all the time and the younger because his brother gets preferential treatment and all his father's attention at weekends.
I would make it more normal- DH can do some of the work- I can't see why it stops him cooking, washing up,etc. they can all have fun together. DH can take both boys out and let OP have some time to herself.
She has my sympathy at the moment as she is the doormat that allows DH to have a relationship that seems to exclude her yet she does the work! DS2 hasn't realised that he is excluded too - but he soon will.

The little boy is not 'seeing his dad and his half brother' - he is seeing his dad, his half brother and his step mum' and there lies the problem. She appears to be the domestic servant in the background and not an important person in DSS life who has a completely independent relationship.

The little boy is not 'seeing his dad and his half brother' - he is seeing his dad, his half brother and his step mum' and there lies the problem.

I don't agree with that. SM could be here one day and gone another, dad and half brother will always be there. Thankfully in most circumstances, all goes well and the children are happy to visit step-parents too, but they shouldn't be made to feel that it is expected of them.

I am not flaming her for it at all.

What the OP needs to see is that it isn't the extra 4 hours on a Sunday that is the problem, it is the fact her DH does nothing at all whether his son is there or not. He just uses that as an excuse.
Reducing contact time by 4 hours will change nothing, her DH will not spend those 4 hours doing chores and the OP will still be the servant all day Saturday when DSS is there and on Sunday morning and on the one day in the week.
If she stops doing it all and lazy git decides not to see his son then that is his responsibility not hers. She hasn't dictated contact, all she has done is refuse to be the maid any longer. By making it about those 4 hours she is again making excuses for lazy DH " he cannot do chores because he has had is son for 4 extra hours" bullshit he cannot do chores because he chooses not to and she is enabling him.

It is not the OPs job to facilitate contact that is down to the parents.

There lies the problem- step mother does the work but is seen as someone who might not last long!!

I agree that DH is the problem. He is lazy.

I nearly became a step mother once and I certainly wouldn't have been stuck in a compartment as the one who was non permanent but did the work!
I had a relationship with potential DSD and we did things in our own - girly type things her father wasn't interested in. She came to see me as well as her father.

Had I married her father I would have meant the vows and intended to be around now that we are 35 yrs on and would have been grandmother to her DCs etc.

I wouldn't have married anyone who was going to think it was 'his son' and I couldn't have been in control in my own house- treating the two brothers the same- as sons of the house.