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Original poster

Am I an evil stepmum?

146 replies

dopeydee · 29/07/2015 09:11

Morning Mumsnetters,

I am seeking an outside opinion from you over your morning cup of coffee.

To give you a quick summary; I am stepmum to a four year old and also have a one year old with my husband. I work full time and run the household finances, do the shopping, cooking, washing etc. Also due to the fact that my husband is currently on a driving ban I do all associated driving for our son, pick DH up from work and half the driving for DSS (mum doing the other half).

My husband is a great father and has a very generous custody arrangement. We have DSS one weekday evening and Saturday morning through to Sunday lunchtime every week. This has recently been informally extended to 4pm on a Sunday. At which point my husband is so exhausted that he typically collapses on the sofa and doesn't move.

DSS is, due to the nature of a split family, a demanding child. When he is with us he requires my husbands undivided attention. Which I do understand as he idolises DH and wants to make the most of any time with him.

The strain is starting to show and I have to confess that I am beginning to resent DH and DSS. I feel like I am cook, cleaner, taxi driver... really just at everyone's beck and call.

I also admit that I am envious of DSS mum who doesn't work and has the whole weekend off. I know this is irrelevant to my situation but I can't help but compare.

I have had some RELATE counselling to try and deal with this and out of that came the suggestion that we revert to the previous arrangement of DSS going back to his mums at lunchtime, giving us Sunday afternoon to relax and DH to help with the chores.

Having suggested this to DH, he has flipped out. Accusing me of hating his son (I think he has picked up on the building resentment), being jealous, asking me "how would you feel if someone took DS from you for half the week" etc. He has said that I am making him choose between me and DSS and he will choose DSS.

I know that DSS is not the problem here, but it seems like the most practical solution. Is it a reasonable request to ask DSS to visit for a few less hours per week?

OP posts:
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PeruvianFoodLover · 30/07/2015 17:14

I read it as "I can't manage the extra contact time you have agreed to, unless you pull your weight".

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 30/07/2015 17:20

This reply has been deleted

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Reginafalangie · 30/07/2015 17:22

But it isn't anything to do with contact time! He is lazy and doesn't help her do anything even when the child isn't there so why make this about contact time?

PeruvianFoodLover · 30/07/2015 17:33

Because the OP is suggesting a compromise.

Rather than say "I'm not picking your DS up" she is saying "Im finding the extra time harder than I thought. Can we go back to the original arrangement, unless you can pull your weight a bit more?"

The OP probably knows that if she doesn't collect/drop off, the DC won't see his dad at all. She should be commended for doing this - it's not unreasonable to want to have some say in when she does it.

All she wants, is to be able to manage when she drops him off on a Sunday so that she has a bit more time to dedicate to her own DC.

Reginafalangie · 30/07/2015 17:49

No what she wants his for her DH to pull his weight. It has nothing to do with the child so why make it about him?

Her DH doesn't pull his weight all week so she needs to stop doing things that affect him and him alone like stop washing for him, cooking for him and taking him to work. This is about her DH and bringing a child in to it is wrong as the reducing contact time will affect the one person who has no control over any of this.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 30/07/2015 17:50

Regina, the OP explains what she meant about chores after we first spoke about it. She didn't mean for only dss to do them but for DH to do a little with his son (and then for DH to do more) that's how I read it

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 30/07/2015 17:51

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FluffyBumOnTheRun · 30/07/2015 17:54

Also, the only one punishing the little boy is his dad for being a lazy ares. Not the OP, it's not her responsibility to facilitate contact

Petal02 · 30/07/2015 17:58

Even if the DH pulled his weight, wouldn't it be better to have an EOW arrangement? Apologies if that has already been explained up thread.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 30/07/2015 18:00

Anyway, the time she's talking about is not on the agreement and is extra time. She's asking to go back to what was agreed.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 30/07/2015 18:01

And k bet if dad was left to go get him without the OP driving him there then no contact would happen. So IMO the op is far from punishing him big the complete opposite

Reginafalangie · 30/07/2015 18:05

Better for who petal? Surely it is better for a child to see their parents as much as possible?

I will never understand these people who enter in to relationships where the partner has children then constantly complain, use contact time as a weapon think seeing the child 2 days out of 14 is enough!

Fluffy I am well aware that OP has now stated she wants DH and DSS to do chores together but originally she was making excuses for him not doing house work.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 30/07/2015 18:08

You are out of line now ragina, that's NOT what the op is saying. And as for being well aware, why did you bring it up again AFTER she made clear what she meant

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 30/07/2015 18:09

He's not a great dad though is he? If he was he would treat his child's mother with more respect and pull his own weight. Hardly a shining example to show his child.

Stop telling this cock he's a great dad.

As for how do other women avoid this? Well you live with someone and you find out he's a cock so you get the hell out of there before either marrying or procreating with said cock. If you find out the cock is a cock later you decide if you can live with the cockishness and if you can't you see a shit hot lawyer and start over but without the giant cock shaped millstone hanging round your neck/lying on your sofa doing sod all.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 30/07/2015 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 30/07/2015 18:10

Ffs! I'm so sick of seeing RP using contact time as a weapon! I see it all the time on here an LP. This woman is sick of picking up the slack and you are blaming her for being at her wits end.

DoreenLethal · 30/07/2015 18:14

To clarify I did mean DSS help DH with chores so that they are still doing something together but also helping me at the same time

The issue here is - that you think of it as him helping you. It is not your 'job' to run the household; it is a shared task which is on top of your actual jobs of working in full time jobs. If you do it all then more fool you.

Stop doing it and get him to do his share.

Reginafalangie · 30/07/2015 18:21

Fuck off telling me I am out of line! Who do you think you are ha ha ha

Add message | Report | Message poster dopeydee Wed 29-Jul-15 09:36:56
DSS helping with chores is a great idea. DH has always been rubbish at housework, his mum and previous partner always did everything. This might well focus his attention!

Clearly the OP was making excuses for her lazy husband.

Nobody is blaming her for being sick of it. Try reading the thread. What has been said is she should STOP doing it but to say cut contact time until you are pulling your weight is unfair on the little boy. As I have suggested why doesn't the OP stop doing cooking and washing for DH why not stop doing things that affect only him why make it involve the child? She should stop being the taxi and she should leave parenting the lad to his father but she shouldn't use contact time as a weapon.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 30/07/2015 18:29

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 30/07/2015 18:32

No I won't fuck off (nice language, really showing yourself) you are hell bent on blaming the op for "punishing the dss" get a grip. I agreed with some of your posts but you look like a fool now

Reginafalangie · 30/07/2015 18:35

Wake the fucker up! That's how you do it, he's asleep not dead!

OP has already said the little boy adores his father so don't you think if he saw his dad less that would affect/hurt the child? How is that difficult to understand? Don't you think your children would be upset at seeing you less than they used to? It is unfair on the child to take away his time with his dad because the OP refuses to tackle the real issue which is a lazy everyday arsehole.

I agree stop being the taxi service it is dads job to see his son but the OP isn't doing that she is saying reduce contact time or pull your weight that is how she is using contact time as a weapon.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 30/07/2015 18:35

And to me, your "ha ha ha" sound like nervous laughter! Because you are wrong but can't back down now

Reginafalangie · 30/07/2015 18:37

She is punishing the child by wanting to reduce his contact time when what she should be doing is dealing with DH.

Also I couldn't careless what you think of me...stranger from the Internet, you have no bearing on my life what so ever so I have no idea why you think you matter to me Confused

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 30/07/2015 18:38

Ditto, so don't respond to me

Reginafalangie · 30/07/2015 18:39

Nervous laughter?? Are you for real? I have no issue with anything I posted and stand by all I have said the ha ha ha was because your post was pathetic.

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