Being treated like the OW

[BestestBrownies]

DP and I have been together for almost a year. Our relationship is serious and we plan a future together. He has two DC aged 22 and 19 from a previous relationship. DP and the mother of his DC had been separated (he moved out of the family home), for over two years before I met him. I had nothing to do with the breakdown of their relationship or break up of their family unit, but his ExP is intent on treating me as if I am the OW and making me out to be the enemy to their DC.

The back story is that they were together for nearly 30 years (met as teenagers), but grew apart and wanted different things from life. For the last 10 years of their relationship, they co-parented under the same roof but led separate lives and slept in separate bedrooms. He stayed because he couldn't afford to maintain two homes and wanted to see his DC as much as possible (he worked long hours). She was always a SAHP who did not work. When he left, he gave her 2 years notice to live in the family home with the DC (whilst he continued to pay all mortgage, bills, car and living expenses), before selling up and splitting the proceeds 50:50 when his youngest turned 18. He then loaned ExP £50,000 of his share so she could afford to stay and buy a flat in the same area. She also got first pick of all their shared belongings from the family home and he gave her the car, but he no longer pays her bills, living expenses etc. He supports his DC by giving them a regular sum of money directly (his DS is at college, DD going to Uni in September). In my opinion, DP has been very fair to his ExP and is a devoted, responsible father who dearly loves his DC and wants to do right by them.

I have never met DP's ExP or DD. I have met his DS, (who is disabled) a few times, as 'daddy's friend' and he has accepted me without issue. DP wanted to introduce me to his DD recently, but she told him she isn't ready to meet me yet. Fair enough. We both respect her wishes and DP has told her we will take it at the pace she is comfortable with. DP tries to see his DC as much as possible but this is irregular and his ExP always makes it difficult to arrange.

This weekend, DP's family were having a little get-together at his parents' to celebrate 2 birthdays and for us to see them before we go away travelling. DP had been trying to arrange seeing his DC before leaving for weeks and ExP kept brushing him off with excuses, then at the last minute (Friday), ExP says he can collect his DS that night and she will drive his DD down on Sunday, because she (ExP) would like to have a catch up with DP's family herself. DP explained that they were more than welcome to come, but to be aware that I was there too. ExP got very angry and laid on the guilt-trip about putting his DD's feelings first and making ExP feel ousted from her 'own family' (DP's family). She then issued the 'her or us' ultimatum.

So DP was stuck, obviously wanting to see his DD but not wanting to exclude me (FWIW I get on well with all his family and they like me, I was looking forward to seeing them). We decided together to relent this time so that I would make myself scarce for the duration of their visit. It meant I missed out, but DP got some precious time with his DD. I'm not sure we did the right thing. I worry it has now set a precedent and ExP will expect to have her demands met every single time.

I appreciate that from ExP's POV there is a lot of change to process and a lot of emotion to deal with in a relatively short space of time (downsizing, empty nest, having to get a job and manage finances, bills, expenses etc and being independent for the first time in her life), and I am not unsympathetic to her, but I think she is behaving very unfairly.

I have never been a step-parent and don't have any DC myself. Although I have many years experience as a Nanny, this is with much younger children so when it comes to teenagers I'm clueless. Of course I don't want to force a friendship with me on them, but I am a big part of their Dad's life now and I would just like everyone to be amicable and get along, particularly for DP's sake as he's stuck in the middle

Any wise MNetter's tips or advice for things I could do to facilitate harmony in this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Well, you've really only been together a year, I think you might just have to accept its going to take much, much longer for all this to work out.

It must all still be really raw to everyone.

Good luck with it and I hope you'll be really happy together, but the kids will have to come to terms with this in their own way and in their own good time. I think you did a very good thing in taking a back seat this time, but there will be many more years of this and of times when you will have to make yourself scarce, make compromises, go away for the weekend if his kids are coming. There'll be weddings, christentings, graduations where the same situation is going to come up.

Basically you can't force it and you probably need to just back off a little bit while this settles itself out.

I'm really struggling to get my head around this. The way you have described the situation, I assumed the children were children, not adults.
Yes his ds will need special consideration with regards to sen but other than that I think the Exw is making the situation weird!

tbh if I were your dp I wouldn't be engaging with the ex at all. These are adults not children, and he should no longer have to go through her to see them, especially the 22 year old.

I would be encouraging your dp to speak to his dd directly, and if he can't do that, then I would question whether you want to stay with someone who is still so controlled by his ex.

It sounds as if your DPs ex has only just acknowledged the 'ending' of her marriage - despite the fact that for your DP, it ended many years ago.

Until very recently, nothing had changed for your DPs ex despite the marriage ending - same house (with your DP living there for most of the time), same standard of living etc.

She's now going through the journey that many people experience when a relationship ends; disbelief, depression, anger etc.
It's not a surprise that your being treated like the OW - in your DPs exs eyes, her marriage has only just ended and you've replaced her in your DPs life.

Understanding it may help you tolerate it - but there's very little you can do to change things, I'm afraid.

Give it time, OP.
As far as his kids are concerned you are an other woman. Not the other woman, I grant you. But probably just as hard to accept. Give it time, there's no rush.

Firm boundaries need putting in place with the ex pretty sharpish before this undermines your relationship. Neither she or DD should dictate what happens at his family's gatherings. You can still be sensitive to the ex and DCs whilst being firm about your place in his family as his new partner. The 19 year old would be more than capable of both travelling alone and understanding that her parents have chosen to separate. The family dynamics are different now, and everyone needs to adjust, however difficult it may be.

Sorry, maybe I wasn't very clear in my OP. DP's son is 22 years old but disabled. His mental age is closer to 8 or 10yo and that will never change, so DP does have to go through his ExP to organise seeing his DS.

DP does contact his 19yo DD directly, but likes to see both DC together and take them out to be fair to both and treat them equally.

I realise that time and patience is the best solution with regard to his DD's feelings. When DP and I have discussed it, we agree it will take longer than we'd hoped for the dust to settle. I have no problem at all accommodating his DD. She is by all accounts a sensible and level-headed young woman who we hope will come round in her own time and want to meet me eventually.

I just worry that agreeing to the demands of his ExP is somehow setting us up to fail and giving her a power dynamic she doesn't deserve. Of course I don't intend to disrespect ExP, but equally, I won't be disrespected and made to feel like her enemy because I don't deserve that either.

Do you think DP should speak to her and make it clear that this weekend was a one-off? That her (ExP's) feelings don't get to trump mine in future? Or just leave it and see what happens next time?

Have to admit that I'm also confused about why the ExP has to be involved in arranging the contact with children given they are adults! You mention the DS has a disability - does this mean he has SENs?

Agree, though, it will just take time. Your partner seems to be doing everything right, so hopefully it will all fall into place eventually.

Just leave it and make sure you see his family separately. Don't start a fight.

I would wait and see what happens next time. His ex seems to have had her head in the sand for a hell of a long time, doesn't she? There's no reason why she can't have a good relationship with his family; she's known them for years. However, anyone with any sense knows that when you split up, if your ex's new partner is going to be at an event, you either go and behave yourself or you don't go. What you don't do is stop him/her going.

For those saying it's only been a year, many people on here have been married within a year of meeting someone. It's quite a long time in a relationship.

It might be time for your partner to take his daughter out for a meal etc on her own occasionally. There's no reason why her brother has to be there all the time. It would be nice for her to have some time on her own with her dad and it would make her realise he is a separate person, not just a father figure.

The first few years of negotiating ex's and parents and weddings are a bit of a trial for everyone probably. It's way too early to start a fight, and set clear boundaries etc.

Give them space - really. They had 20 years as a family - you've got years ahead of you to negotiate a space.

You really have no idea what the boundaries can or should be yet! You might get to the stage where you are really happy with the DP and ex meeting up to see the kids without you there.

I just spent a very happy 10 days on my own while DH took his ex and kids on a hugely complicated journey round the UK for a wedding and a graduation. I was more than happy not to be part of that. But it doesn't impact on my role in his life, or with his kids or his parents.

One of the things i dislike about these type of threads, and one of the reasons why i think the new partner sometimes gets a rough ride on here is exactly what the OP has just done. You charted your dp's entire relationship with his ex as if you were present when it all happened, like you're an expert on all the goings on and have every detail.

The truth of the matter is you know bugger all about the minute detail of their relationship, separation, timings etc all you have is your DP's account, which like many other threads like this always paint the DP in a favourable light and the ex like a loon.

I have no idea wether the ex partner is being unreasonable, controlling or whatever, but please do yourself a favour and recognise that you DO NOT have all the detail from both sides of what happened in their relationship, which may account for some of the bizarre behaviour dynamics you are now experiencing.

But this isn't a recent split is it? The op has already stated that the dp moved out of the family home two years before they got together. Even if the timeline of sleeping in separate bedrooms etc for ten years is untrue, the dp and ex have been separated for three years. Hardly recent.

And if the dp was going to see his family then he is IMO the one who gets to call the shots, not the ex. He needs to speak to his dd separately. Yes he has to engage with his ex wrt his disabled ds, but not with regard to his dd and he should make that very clear.

Obviously if the dd has some reservations then these do need to be addressed with her, but tbh she is old enough to not have a say in who does and doesn't go to family events.

The Exw from the sounds of it also has to care for a disabled adult - their son. That is why the H has had to take things slowly - terrible situation for all of them and cannot be compared to other family situations. I'm not sure how I would cope if my stbxh had left me with a very disabled child - Very sad. I think you need to step back, you are not the step parent.

Wannabe the OPs DP moved out of the family home 2 years ago, but it is only recently that the ex has moved out and become financially independent - so the relationship wasn't completely over as a clean break, and in the ex's eyes, may have only just happened.

A lot of 'separation' guides include reference to the Kubler-ross change curve - it sounds likely that the ex has only just acknowledged the marriage/relationship is over, so she has to transition through the roller coaster of emotions before accepting her 'new' life.

Wannabe My point is, how do we know the DP actually moved out 2 yrs ago, since him and OP have only been together a year? how do we know prior to that they were actually sleeping in separate rooms and for 10yrs? how do we know the ex has never worked or why she didn't work? how do we know it was the DP who footed all bills and gave her 2 yrs notice to move out, we have no information as to why he moved out? fact is we don't have a clue how the whole relationship with his ex panned out, neither does OP.

The only fact OP knows is that her DP was in a previous relationship of 30yrs, they then split up at some point and he moved out. He was single at the time they met.
Im not saying OP is being unreasonable from what she is asking, she sounds reasonable enough. But these weird power struggles are usually deeply rooted in the history of the old relationship, which no one knows about and OP needs to bear this in mind.

I have no problem with ExP having a good relationship with DP's family and neither does DP. DP actively encourages ExP and the DC to maintain relationships with them (particularly his elderly parents).

Nor do I have a problem with the four of them spending time together as a family (DP, ExP & DC), which they do probably 1 in 3 times that DP sees his DC anyway. As I type they are all out together (GP's included) whilst I get some time to myself.

I certainly have no intention of starting a fight or causing trouble.

Obviously I only have DP's side of the story with regard to their relationship. I never claimed otherwise. I only wrote that so as not to drip-feed and to explain circumstances briefly. At no point have I accused ExP of being a 'loon'. I have tried hard to put myself in her shoes and understand that she is going through a huge upheaval in her life. Perhaps I am an easy target/scapegoat for her to vent her negative emotions on. Whilst that is perfectly understandable, it is neither fair nor acceptable.

I hope things will fall into place and that given some time and perspective, ExP will become more reasonable and be able to meet me herself and attend the same events if necessary. With any luck things will settle down and become smoother given enough time.

I have suggested the same to DP about meeting his DD alone sometimes. He should get that opportunity once she goes to Uni and I think that will make a big difference.

Thank you all for the replies and advice.

I have suggested the same to DP about meeting his DD alone sometimes. He should get that opportunity once she goes to Uni and I think that will make a big difference.

I think this is a very good idea - NT siblings of DCs with SN often get short changed, especially when parents split; they need time with both parents away from their SN sibling in order to ensure they get prioritised, rather than being treated as a "package" which so often seems to happen.

No OP you didn't explicitly say you knew everything about their relationship but you certainly stated you knew the backstory. in your doing this, you painted the ex as someone rather irrational even if you didn't mean to.

I am citing caution based on this. I agree the adult DD should be able to see her DF without the DM's interference but again it depends on the real back story as she may be acting in sympathy to her DM which would explain her own reluctance.

But that isn't what the OP says of her partner, Copa. He wants to see his son, wants to spend time with both children. When you say he's "swanning off" it doesn't describe the situation accurately and is very emotive.

In fact, she says, "DP tries to see his DC as much as possible but this is irregular and his ExP always makes it difficult to arrange."

That does not fit in with your theory, does it?

I think you are being rather unrealistic about the ExP's relationship with her inlaws. It's quite likely that she will have been the facilitator, for 30 years, of her Dp's interaction with them. She will have remembered the birthdays, arranged family occasions, bought the Xmas presents. She may well have had more to do with her Mil than he did.

You put 'her own family' in inverted commas as if it was somehow odd. But that is what it will have felt like to her. When my marriage broke up after 20 years, losing half my family was almost the most traumatic part of the aftermath. I knew they would have to accept my exdh's new girlfriend for his sake, but it was incredibly painful to feel I had been supplanted by her in their lives.

Looking at the whole picture, however well you think your DP has behaved, the chances are that everyone else would have preferred the status quo to have remained unchanged. He's happy - but he's left a lot of unhappiness in his wake.

As pps have said, it will take a lot of time for things to settle down. And you may never have the same position in his family as his previous partner and mother of the gc's. You are 'a big part of his life now' - but it hasn't been very long. The future is an unknown quantity. Take a back seat and feel your way very carefully.

I don't think a 50:50 split sounds very fair given that she has been a SAHM and carer for a disabled son for 22 years. I don't imagine she can just build a good enough career in two years to be able to provide for herself and children.

I'd have thought he'd have had to pay significant spousal maintenance as it sounds like she has been left in a very vulnerable position.

I don't think you can say his family army hers either after 30 years! It will talk a very long time to truly separate from a 30 year marriage.

Not every mother who separates from her DCs father is left bereft and heartbroken, a martyr pining for their old life, for heaven's sake! The ex may have or want a new dp of their own, she maybe glad to be rid of her ex and his family, we don't know.
Partners/ husbands/ wives do separate, it is a fact of life, how ever unfortunate some parties may find this. People also move on and re adjust. The op's partner and his ex aren't getting back together as far as we know, so it's probably better for everyone, including the ex to stop living in the past and start new separate, happier lives.