Being treated like the OW

[BestestBrownies]

DP and I have been together for almost a year. Our relationship is serious and we plan a future together. He has two DC aged 22 and 19 from a previous relationship. DP and the mother of his DC had been separated (he moved out of the family home), for over two years before I met him. I had nothing to do with the breakdown of their relationship or break up of their family unit, but his ExP is intent on treating me as if I am the OW and making me out to be the enemy to their DC.

The back story is that they were together for nearly 30 years (met as teenagers), but grew apart and wanted different things from life. For the last 10 years of their relationship, they co-parented under the same roof but led separate lives and slept in separate bedrooms. He stayed because he couldn't afford to maintain two homes and wanted to see his DC as much as possible (he worked long hours). She was always a SAHP who did not work. When he left, he gave her 2 years notice to live in the family home with the DC (whilst he continued to pay all mortgage, bills, car and living expenses), before selling up and splitting the proceeds 50:50 when his youngest turned 18. He then loaned ExP £50,000 of his share so she could afford to stay and buy a flat in the same area. She also got first pick of all their shared belongings from the family home and he gave her the car, but he no longer pays her bills, living expenses etc. He supports his DC by giving them a regular sum of money directly (his DS is at college, DD going to Uni in September). In my opinion, DP has been very fair to his ExP and is a devoted, responsible father who dearly loves his DC and wants to do right by them.

I have never met DP's ExP or DD. I have met his DS, (who is disabled) a few times, as 'daddy's friend' and he has accepted me without issue. DP wanted to introduce me to his DD recently, but she told him she isn't ready to meet me yet. Fair enough. We both respect her wishes and DP has told her we will take it at the pace she is comfortable with. DP tries to see his DC as much as possible but this is irregular and his ExP always makes it difficult to arrange.

This weekend, DP's family were having a little get-together at his parents' to celebrate 2 birthdays and for us to see them before we go away travelling. DP had been trying to arrange seeing his DC before leaving for weeks and ExP kept brushing him off with excuses, then at the last minute (Friday), ExP says he can collect his DS that night and she will drive his DD down on Sunday, because she (ExP) would like to have a catch up with DP's family herself. DP explained that they were more than welcome to come, but to be aware that I was there too. ExP got very angry and laid on the guilt-trip about putting his DD's feelings first and making ExP feel ousted from her 'own family' (DP's family). She then issued the 'her or us' ultimatum.

So DP was stuck, obviously wanting to see his DD but not wanting to exclude me (FWIW I get on well with all his family and they like me, I was looking forward to seeing them). We decided together to relent this time so that I would make myself scarce for the duration of their visit. It meant I missed out, but DP got some precious time with his DD. I'm not sure we did the right thing. I worry it has now set a precedent and ExP will expect to have her demands met every single time.

I appreciate that from ExP's POV there is a lot of change to process and a lot of emotion to deal with in a relatively short space of time (downsizing, empty nest, having to get a job and manage finances, bills, expenses etc and being independent for the first time in her life), and I am not unsympathetic to her, but I think she is behaving very unfairly.

I have never been a step-parent and don't have any DC myself. Although I have many years experience as a Nanny, this is with much younger children so when it comes to teenagers I'm clueless. Of course I don't want to force a friendship with me on them, but I am a big part of their Dad's life now and I would just like everyone to be amicable and get along, particularly for DP's sake as he's stuck in the middle

Any wise MNetter's tips or advice for things I could do to facilitate harmony in this situation would be greatly appreciated.

OP - of course you will want to feel that you are DPs partner - at social events, with his family - and eventually with his children. Why bother investing in a relationship if you have to spend it in the sidelines?

I imagine it is hard to the Ex - it doesn't sound like she is invested in starting again with someone else - and may lean on your DP through the kids/previous life. But I see no reason not to put your foot down about important family events and insist on going - it's not going to make it easier for anyone if you skulk around the background and give the impression that it is all OK. In my experience it is never easy, no matter when, and you will need to rock that boat. No perfect way to do it! You don't want to end up leaving your relationship when 3 years down the line you are still having to compete with his ExW at family events.

With all due respect Bestest - you can not put your self in the Exs shoes and to say she is going through a hard time is patronising in the extreme.

To put it simply - your delightful DP has dumped ( be it suddenly or over a period of time) his wife with a disabled adult for the rest of her life, made her move, find a job after 22 yrs of caring and left it all to her.

He has waltzed off into his happy new relationship, new home , no 24 hr care of said child, mental, financial and emotional responsibilty just gone and hey presto his now EX wants some things her way.

For anyone who has a sick child, to watch their other parent absolve themselves of their responsibilities when all the DCS turn 18, which is what he has done - is the bahviour of a coward and a wanker. YOu picked a prize dick there!

I am sure they have had a difficult marriage - disabled DCs do that to any relationship. He has had enough and now they are officially adults - he ups sticks and leaves the wife to it.

Go on be a 45-55 yr old female divorcee with an adult disabled child and find someone new to love and care for. She has looked after said DC for 22 yrs and now has to go into the employment world - I can tell you that will be low skill, low pay and shitty hours.

Can tell you now, most men will run a mile? Watch while idiot EX brings new younger woman into the family dynamic, will probably have a perfect DC with no issues and she gets to lose the support network from his family for the DC, the situation etc. New DP wants to be part of all family gatherings and EX, who has relied on and known these people for 30yrs gets pushed out.

Sorry your DP is a dick and you have not got a bloody clue how crap that woman must feel right now.

^^ bitter much

Some people offer no helpful advice on here and use people like the OP for target practice for their own issues. Get a grip ladies.

Some people offer no helpful advice on here and use people like the OP for target practice for their own issues. Get a grip ladies

^ this.

No one knows how the exW feels because they aren't her.

Quesera21 that last paragraph was completely un called for

quesera pretty much sums up a bitter exw and the illogical reasoning many stepmothers have to put up with when their DPs children have a mother like that

sorry - I see a lady two doors down from me in exactly the situation the OP describes. Her life sucks and after 3 yrs her ability to move on and find someone else is almost negligble. Her 23yrold disabled DS is so hard to manage but at times is so gorgeous - it is an emotional roller coaster

OP is entitled to a relationship with her DPs family but to suggest she has a clue how the EX feels or that she has a clue about why, how or what made the relationship break down is wrong. My issue is not with the OP, her DP is ............

A disabled/ chronically sick child puts a strain on relationships that no one can understand.

Her DP has walked away to his new life and someone has to be the base for the disabled child - it is not him. There is nothing brave abut what he has done.

Her DP has walked away to his new life and someone has to be the base for the disabled child - it is not him. There is nothing brave abut what he has done

No one has said anyone is 'brave'.

There are many reasons why relationships break down. To say it is all the OPs DPS fault is unfair.

They drifted apart.

Do you want everyone to stay in unhappy marriages forever?

No one has said it is easy.

I think you should keep a very low profile OP.
You and your DP have been together less than a year.
You have no experience of parenting - sorry, but being a nanny is a completely different ballgame.
Parenting a disabled child for 19 years - with the prospect of parenting that disabled adult for the rest of her life must be very daunting for DP's ex- especially when she finds herself doing it alone after her partner of 30 years leaves.

I imagine this woman must have made many sacrifices in terms of her own career. 19 years ago it was even harder to get support when caring for DC with disabilities than it is now. She probably had no option but to stay at home full time. I wonder how easy it will be for her to retrain, find a job that allows her to continue caring for her son, and earn enough money to support herself and DS indefinitely.

Try to have a some compassion and empathy. Give it time - lots of time.
How old are you OP? You sound quite young.

Presumably either your boyfriend or his ex pretty much had to give up paid work because of their disabled DS, and it was agreed (as so often the case) that it would be her. This will have hugely damaged her earning prospects so he has an ongoing responsibility towards her. If his DS lives at home and requires ongoing care then the youngest child turning 18 wasn't really relevant.

It does seem that apart from contributing financially (always the deal and should continue to be) he has now walked away from practical and emotional parenting of his DS. If he wants to see more of his Ds then he could do more to address this with his ex or seek legal help.

His DD is an adult of course so no need for him to go via his ex. Think his attitude about seeing his Dd and DS and doing things with them together every time and that this is somehow "treating them equally" is very odd indeed and would make me think less of him. That's not fair on her or how parenting works - you don't measure equality with time - and his DD might well resent this.

why didn't you mention his DSs disabilities in your OP?

You mention that your boyfriend worked long hours during his relationship with his ex. So the daily care fell to her. Him leaving presumably leaves it all to her almost all of the time, in tighter financial circumstances (legally agreed or of his choosing?) and with no improving her economic lot through prospect of paid work and possibly also difficulty in getting time away from DS for social things, health, hobbies, while he lived a single life then started relationship with a (younger?) woman.

Sorry but I'm another who think he's behaved horribly and has washed his hands of his responsibility to his disabled child. That child's needs didn't disappear when he turned 18.

For how long are you going away travelling, OP?

However separate their lives were, the ex obviously still had a co parent present. I assume she's now in a position where she can't nip out in the evening without arranging a babysitter etc.

I don't think she's treating you like the OW but as part of the series of events that have blown her life apart. I don't know what your DH did when he lived separately before, perhaps he still stayed at the house sometimes. Do you still live fairly near to her?

Give it time, OP. Is the divorce and financial settlement all finalised via solictors etc?

I'm also concerned about long term provision for the child with disabilities.

I agree the ex is in a very difficult position financially (although we can't be sure of her emotional state) - trying to find a job after 22 years out of the work place, while still caring full time for a disabled DS, will surely be almost impossible for her?

Sorry OP, I know it seems important to you, but really, who attends a weekend get together kind of pales into insignificance compared to what she is going through.

Are you living in her home? Sounds to me like she has got a very raw deal. Spent her life caring for him and her children maintained his happy family so he got to finish that life as and when it suited him and then got booted out of her home expected to be grateful f o r a flat and now receives no maintenance. I think your love for your new man is blinding you a bit here .

Sorry just re-read it all and I think being ousted from his family weekend is a bit much if she wants to go fair enough but you shouldn't be excluded

Think the home was sold lightening girl and proceeds split 50/50. Don't think OP has said how the financial arrangements were agreed and what is happening with respect to any ongoing payments, pensions etc.

Lucky dp. Co-parents seriously disabled ds for approx 15 years then just ups and leaves. With equity. Goes travelling. This could happen to you in 20 years time op, maybe a little more empathy/sympathy for the ex? Does dss stay with dp regularly to give the ex some respite? I could feel a bit more disposed to him if he did.

Hmm, if I had time I could pick at almost everything you have said.

The main issue is that his ExW is the carer for the 22 year old son who has the mental age of an 8-10 year old.

The ExW will never be able to go travelling, will never be able to stop looking after the DS.

Please be aware that you may never have any sort of friendly relationship with the DD, other than a polite 'hello' and 'goodbye'.
My own DD's step mum thought they would be best mates, going shopping together etc.
My DD had other ideas. She is polite to her and that is as far as she goes.

The bit I would most like to pick at in your OP is that your DP and his ex "wanted different things from life". So he wanted to go off travelling with a (younger?) woman, and she wanted to stay at home caring for a disabled DS with no support? Is that what you mean?

OP, I think sometimes step mothers get a hard time on MN for no good reason - it's not an easy role at all. But I'm struggling to feel much sympathy in your case. The ex is having an incredibly tough time from what you've said, and although you do acknowledge that in your post, the fact that you're nitpicking over who attends a get together detracts from this somewhat.

I think you were right to step graciously aside. You've said DP sees his DC irregularly, so presumably you have lots of opportunity to see his family on other occasions.

Agree with DocHollywood, has your DP offered to have DS overnight sometimes to give his ex a break?

Kvetch, I don't think that's the implication - there is concern that it'll be very difficult for the ex after 20 years of being a carer and ongoing caring responsibilities to find a job to support herself and her son if the DP in question isn't paying ongoing support.

Of course you can leave an unhappy marriage if a child has SN. But it's pretty scummy to leave all the responsibility for caring for that child (both past and present) behind too. They may have each walked away with 50% of the value of the house but they haven't walked away with a 50:50 share of the impact of raising a child with a lifelong disability.

I also think describing the Ex as 'a SAHP who did not work' is pretty disingenuous. She has worked for 22 years as a carer for a disabled child.