Being treated like the OW

[BestestBrownies]

DP and I have been together for almost a year. Our relationship is serious and we plan a future together. He has two DC aged 22 and 19 from a previous relationship. DP and the mother of his DC had been separated (he moved out of the family home), for over two years before I met him. I had nothing to do with the breakdown of their relationship or break up of their family unit, but his ExP is intent on treating me as if I am the OW and making me out to be the enemy to their DC.

The back story is that they were together for nearly 30 years (met as teenagers), but grew apart and wanted different things from life. For the last 10 years of their relationship, they co-parented under the same roof but led separate lives and slept in separate bedrooms. He stayed because he couldn't afford to maintain two homes and wanted to see his DC as much as possible (he worked long hours). She was always a SAHP who did not work. When he left, he gave her 2 years notice to live in the family home with the DC (whilst he continued to pay all mortgage, bills, car and living expenses), before selling up and splitting the proceeds 50:50 when his youngest turned 18. He then loaned ExP £50,000 of his share so she could afford to stay and buy a flat in the same area. She also got first pick of all their shared belongings from the family home and he gave her the car, but he no longer pays her bills, living expenses etc. He supports his DC by giving them a regular sum of money directly (his DS is at college, DD going to Uni in September). In my opinion, DP has been very fair to his ExP and is a devoted, responsible father who dearly loves his DC and wants to do right by them.

I have never met DP's ExP or DD. I have met his DS, (who is disabled) a few times, as 'daddy's friend' and he has accepted me without issue. DP wanted to introduce me to his DD recently, but she told him she isn't ready to meet me yet. Fair enough. We both respect her wishes and DP has told her we will take it at the pace she is comfortable with. DP tries to see his DC as much as possible but this is irregular and his ExP always makes it difficult to arrange.

This weekend, DP's family were having a little get-together at his parents' to celebrate 2 birthdays and for us to see them before we go away travelling. DP had been trying to arrange seeing his DC before leaving for weeks and ExP kept brushing him off with excuses, then at the last minute (Friday), ExP says he can collect his DS that night and she will drive his DD down on Sunday, because she (ExP) would like to have a catch up with DP's family herself. DP explained that they were more than welcome to come, but to be aware that I was there too. ExP got very angry and laid on the guilt-trip about putting his DD's feelings first and making ExP feel ousted from her 'own family' (DP's family). She then issued the 'her or us' ultimatum.

So DP was stuck, obviously wanting to see his DD but not wanting to exclude me (FWIW I get on well with all his family and they like me, I was looking forward to seeing them). We decided together to relent this time so that I would make myself scarce for the duration of their visit. It meant I missed out, but DP got some precious time with his DD. I'm not sure we did the right thing. I worry it has now set a precedent and ExP will expect to have her demands met every single time.

I appreciate that from ExP's POV there is a lot of change to process and a lot of emotion to deal with in a relatively short space of time (downsizing, empty nest, having to get a job and manage finances, bills, expenses etc and being independent for the first time in her life), and I am not unsympathetic to her, but I think she is behaving very unfairly.

I have never been a step-parent and don't have any DC myself. Although I have many years experience as a Nanny, this is with much younger children so when it comes to teenagers I'm clueless. Of course I don't want to force a friendship with me on them, but I am a big part of their Dad's life now and I would just like everyone to be amicable and get along, particularly for DP's sake as he's stuck in the middle

Any wise MNetter's tips or advice for things I could do to facilitate harmony in this situation would be greatly appreciated.

None of the background is the OP's fault. Some are being harsh on here and almost blaming her for the breakdown of the past relationship. She had nothing do with it. Whether her DP was 'nice'/fair/whatever with regards to splitting up from his ex-w is absolutely irrelevant to her question. None of it is her fault as it happened before she was involved.

Where it comes in now, is whether she needs to step aside for the ex-w at family gatherings etc. EXW clearly sees OP as demonstrating the carefree life with EXH/ OP's DP and does not want to be usurped at family gatherings. I can understand that but OP is not the other woman, as an earlier poster said she is another woman though.

I think on future similar occasions OP should go too but EXW should also be able to go. But EXW will have to accept that OP is going to be there too. She will have to get on with it.

I agree with what Neunew has said

"Sorry your DP is a dick and you have not got a bloody clue how crap that woman must feel right now."

I agree with this.

And note that the man was attempting to dictate terms about how long his XW could stay in the house. Or wanted to portray himself to OP as that sort of bully. He checked out of the marriage years ago, but didn't tel, his wife (when she was 10 years or more younger, and had more opportunities to rebuild her life/career etc).

If he really wan sn' sleeping with her, chances are there was an OW even though it wasn't you.

And yes, after 30 years, she will have her own relationship with her in laws, who might have come to care for her very much over the course of that long time, and for the input into their DC).

You cannot wish her, nor her relationships with her DC's kin into oblivion. So I think you need to accept the reality that this is the mess of the end of his previous marriage. He was pretty selfish throughout. Even his (adult) children do not forgive him his conduct.

Is this really a man you want?

Neu, I agree with you that the breakdown of the marriage was not the OP's fault and she deserves no blame for it.

But she did make a massive point of saying in her OP how very fair her DP is being, and I think some posters are trying to open her eyes a little in this respect.

How can a 50/50 split of the assets and no spousal maintenance be fair in this case? Despite both partners contributing in equal (but different) ways during the course of their marriage, the ex's earning potential has been absolutely decimated (and will continue to be even though the DCs are older now, due to DS's disability) while DP's is untouched. Sorry if I've got the facts wrong, but that is how I see the situation from the information given.

No one has implied the Op had anything to do with the breakdown and the questions and negative comments have been about the behaviour of her DP towards his ex as the primary carer of their disabled DS and towards both his DC.

The way she describes the situation, eg implying his ex as someone who "doesn't work" with no mention of her caring responsibilities suggests that though she says she has considered things from the ex point pf view she really hasn't.

It is also unclear whether or not her DP is treating his ex fairly in terms of money for the ongoing care of their DS (if he lives at home) and in compensation for her economic position as a result of her being the one not to work, and doing his share of his care or helping pay for care services so his ex can do things like work, hobbies, time away from the home or whatever.

Reading the OP again, the first 2 paragraphs sound very much like the account of events as told to BestestBrownies by her partner.

She does sound somewhat naive and unaware of the real life challenges the exwife must have faced with the pressure and demands of having to forgo a career to care for a disabled child. It must have been very hard to provide opportunities for her older child as well. I imagine the fact that her husband worked very long hours would have made her life even harder.

I am a bit skeptical about whether the exwife would describe the relationship and past 30 years in the same way that OP's partner has.

OP doesn't seem to have much insight, which makes me feel that she must be much younger than her DP. I could be wrong I suppose.

I am a bit skeptical about whether the exwife would describe the relationship and past 30 years in the same way that OP's partner has

That could be said about any thread on here or about any relationship. Unless both parties post, you only ever get one side of the story.

If he really wan sn' sleeping with her, chances are there was an OW even though it wasn't you.

Or, of course, his exW could have been having an affair - sleeping with another man in the marital bed while the OPs DP was working long hours/away from home.
Being the full time carer of a disabled DC does not automatically guarantee fidelity - I've known of parents who have conducted an affair while their DCs slept in the adjoining bedroom.

I appreciate that from ExP's POV there is a lot of change to process and a lot of emotion to deal with in a relatively short space of time (downsizing, empty nest, having to get a job and manage finances, bills, expenses etc and being independent for the first time in her life), and I am not unsympathetic to her, but I think she is behaving very unfairly

she is behaving unfairly? Her life has been turned upside down, she is left with the sole care of a very disabled 'child' (so she really doesn't have an 'empty nest' which would allow her some freedom to get on and build herself a new life) and you think she should also be pushed out of her relationship with people who have been her family for many, many years?

Do you really think someone who has the sole care of a disabled child who is always going to need care should suddenly just have to fit that job in with full time work and be grateful for it? The tone of the 'being independent for the first time in her life' shows you to be a total bitch, quite frankly. By your own admission, you have no children so you have no idea what this woman has had to go through - having a child that is never going to grow up and leave you is a truly dreadful thing to have to come to terms with.

Seriously, maybe just think about what has happened to her life in a short space of time and accept that more than likely, the 'story' your partner has told you is the one that makes him come out on top and that the actual truth is likely very different.

No one is saying that you can not leave an unhappy marriage with a chronically sick or disabled child. Hell most marriages with said scenario do break down - the stress and strain are unbelievable.

However, one parent is left holding the DC. The OP has said he sees his DCs irregularly - that sums it up.

I have no beef with the OP, the issue is not hers, it is her DPs. She comes across as naive for believing the almost perfect split of finances etc although the EX giving the 23 yr old with a mental age of 8 his own monies -beggars belief.

He got to get up and leave because he fundamentally feels no responsibility for his DS and his poor DD , who will have played second fiddle to a disabled child all her life, now knows he waited till she was 17 and then scarpered.

The EX wife could be the most vile bitch from hell to her Ex, but I will still respect that she has brought up a disabled child and still cares for that child and has not shirked her responsibilities- A job I know I would struggle at.

He is a total ...........

I really am going to have to stop posting because everytime I read it, I get more angry with the DP.

I had missed the bit that DP was going off travelling for weeks - it really does sum up the total abrogation of responsibilites this complete and utter tool has made.

His DS is not 23 - he is at best 10yrs old.

There is no way that after a 30 year marriage even if 10 years were 'separated but not separate', with a disabled adult child and one that is still finding her way in the world, that there is going to be a slate wiped clean for the DP to start a new relationship like he did the first time.

I would have thought that after 30 years, the in-laws have thought of the DW as another daughter and that is not going to suddenly stop.

Most people in this situation would make relationships with others with similar set ups and drift in and out of each others wider family set up as they also have their own things going on.

However, one parent is left holding the DC. The OP has said he sees his DCs irregularly - that sums it up.

The OP said that is not through choice and that contact with his DS is being limited by his DS's mum. What exactly does that "sum up"?

The OP said that is not through choice and that contact with his DS is being limited by his DS's mum. What exactly does that "sum up"?

This seems to be being missed.

OP I would like to say I can't believe that you are getting a hard time but sadly it seems the norm just lately.

I think that people are a bit unfair - every single thread on mn is from someones perspective and can only been taken at face value but on the step threads your DP must be stupid because it is 3rd hand and he is clearly a lying scum bag or he would stay in a relationship regardless of circumstance and if there are children who aren't being seen it is definitely him swanning off and not because his ex may be blocking contact.

I feel that you did the right thing stepping back in this instance but actually if you continually take a step back then this will become the norm and that will make it harder for everyone long term.

With regards to the DS - I get that he has SN and actually I have a niece who is 22 with mental age of about 10 with quadriplegic CP so can completely understand how difficult it is for mom and your DP but am I correct that you have met him? If you have then my guess is that Ex isn't perhaps as opposed to you and your new relationship as you may feel based on this incident as there is no way she would have agreed to this.

I understand that you feel to you she is behaving unfairly and of course from your POV she is as you have done absolutely nothing wrong. In all honesty your DP may have done nothing wrong or his ex but there is going to be a certain amount of adjustment on everyone's side - yours included.

I think if you can accept that there is always going to have to be flexibility and give and take and sometimes you will take a step back for the good of everyone then hopefully things will settle over time and you will all be able to move forward.

Wow. There are a LOT of assumptions being made here.

At no point has the OP stated that her DP is not contributing to his disabled DS's care. All it says is that his XP makes contact difficult. She also says he pays money to the children separately. Presumably the amount allocated to the DS is put towards his care.

We have no idea about the rest. The DS is in college- this may be a residential college which the DP pays for. We don't know. We don't know how they both contributed to the relationship financially or what the agreement has been since.

We don't know that the DP has "swanned off with a younger woman". She hasn't said her age. She might be 28 or 58.

We don't know why they are going travelling. Perhaps it's for work. Or maybe just for fun. We can't judge because we don't know.

I think some of the posters here need to stop projecting their own bitterness onto this situation and stop filling in the gaps with their own experiences.

If I ever become a step parent I will think twice before asking for advice on here because some of you are scary.

Anyway. OP my advice as a grown-up daughter of parents who spit up (I was 23) is give it all time and carry on being nice. Best of luck pet.

I think some of the posters here need to stop projecting their own bitterness onto this situation and stop filling in the gaps with their own experiences

This seems to be happening more and more I'm afraid.

You're making some big assumptions yourselves there, that posters giving the OP or her partner a hard time are "bitter" or "projecting"!

Ah you're right. Making up half of the story and calling a man you know nothing about a cunt doesn't sound bitter at all.

My mistake.

Whose post are you referring to?

All of the posts stating what a massive aresehole they think the DP is and all of the ones making the assumptions I listed above.

blue in all seriousness, on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely do you think it is that the 'they lived separately for 10 years'? do you think it acceptable that a man gives his wife 2 years notice and then demands the family home be sold and expects her to be grateful that she's able to buy a flat and now has to find care for a disabled 'child' whilst she goes out to work?

I can imagine she is being difficult about contact with the disabled child and I can also imagine that the non-disabled 'child' is able to draw her own conclusions about her father and the situation her mother has been left to deal with. At no point has the OP suggested that her partner is willing to do his fair share of care - she has only said he wants to see the child. Would the OP be willing to have this 'child' stay in her home overnight or have her partner take over his full-time care? I am guessing not but realise I could be wrong.

I didn't say it was or it wasn't.
I said we don't know.

Which we don't. And no amount of us filling in gaps in the story ourselves is going to change that.

Oh. And a very close friend of mine had parents who had separated but lived in the same house all throughout school. I saw this first-hand. He only moved out when he met his current wife about 5 years ago, so we're talking a good 15 years of cohabitation while no longer being a couple. It happens.