Being treated like the OW

[BestestBrownies]

DP and I have been together for almost a year. Our relationship is serious and we plan a future together. He has two DC aged 22 and 19 from a previous relationship. DP and the mother of his DC had been separated (he moved out of the family home), for over two years before I met him. I had nothing to do with the breakdown of their relationship or break up of their family unit, but his ExP is intent on treating me as if I am the OW and making me out to be the enemy to their DC.

The back story is that they were together for nearly 30 years (met as teenagers), but grew apart and wanted different things from life. For the last 10 years of their relationship, they co-parented under the same roof but led separate lives and slept in separate bedrooms. He stayed because he couldn't afford to maintain two homes and wanted to see his DC as much as possible (he worked long hours). She was always a SAHP who did not work. When he left, he gave her 2 years notice to live in the family home with the DC (whilst he continued to pay all mortgage, bills, car and living expenses), before selling up and splitting the proceeds 50:50 when his youngest turned 18. He then loaned ExP £50,000 of his share so she could afford to stay and buy a flat in the same area. She also got first pick of all their shared belongings from the family home and he gave her the car, but he no longer pays her bills, living expenses etc. He supports his DC by giving them a regular sum of money directly (his DS is at college, DD going to Uni in September). In my opinion, DP has been very fair to his ExP and is a devoted, responsible father who dearly loves his DC and wants to do right by them.

I have never met DP's ExP or DD. I have met his DS, (who is disabled) a few times, as 'daddy's friend' and he has accepted me without issue. DP wanted to introduce me to his DD recently, but she told him she isn't ready to meet me yet. Fair enough. We both respect her wishes and DP has told her we will take it at the pace she is comfortable with. DP tries to see his DC as much as possible but this is irregular and his ExP always makes it difficult to arrange.

This weekend, DP's family were having a little get-together at his parents' to celebrate 2 birthdays and for us to see them before we go away travelling. DP had been trying to arrange seeing his DC before leaving for weeks and ExP kept brushing him off with excuses, then at the last minute (Friday), ExP says he can collect his DS that night and she will drive his DD down on Sunday, because she (ExP) would like to have a catch up with DP's family herself. DP explained that they were more than welcome to come, but to be aware that I was there too. ExP got very angry and laid on the guilt-trip about putting his DD's feelings first and making ExP feel ousted from her 'own family' (DP's family). She then issued the 'her or us' ultimatum.

So DP was stuck, obviously wanting to see his DD but not wanting to exclude me (FWIW I get on well with all his family and they like me, I was looking forward to seeing them). We decided together to relent this time so that I would make myself scarce for the duration of their visit. It meant I missed out, but DP got some precious time with his DD. I'm not sure we did the right thing. I worry it has now set a precedent and ExP will expect to have her demands met every single time.

I appreciate that from ExP's POV there is a lot of change to process and a lot of emotion to deal with in a relatively short space of time (downsizing, empty nest, having to get a job and manage finances, bills, expenses etc and being independent for the first time in her life), and I am not unsympathetic to her, but I think she is behaving very unfairly.

I have never been a step-parent and don't have any DC myself. Although I have many years experience as a Nanny, this is with much younger children so when it comes to teenagers I'm clueless. Of course I don't want to force a friendship with me on them, but I am a big part of their Dad's life now and I would just like everyone to be amicable and get along, particularly for DP's sake as he's stuck in the middle

Any wise MNetter's tips or advice for things I could do to facilitate harmony in this situation would be greatly appreciated.

The one sentence that resonates with me (and upsets me) is:
"She was always a SAHP and did not work".
I think that one statement speaks volumes.

I work part time - I am sure that sounds like I have an easy life - but I have been a carer for many years - 2 elderly people, one who lives with us, the other in a dementia unit who needs lots of input to make sure they get adequate care, and a child who needs a lot of support due to mental health issues.

If my DH left me, and subsequently told his new partner that I "only ever worked part time" (for example) I would be devastated and livid in equal measure.

I don't know what the facts of the matter are - of course, I only know what the OP has written. But the language used bothers me. A lot.

Sorry your DP is a dick and you have not got a bloody clue how crap that woman must feel right now

So you know the OPs partner and his exW then?

I agree with littlefrogs that some of the OPs wording may not be ideal, but using language like the post I have quoted is not on.

The OP has had assumptions made about her life, age, feelings etc on this thread which have been uncalled for.

No one knows the whole situation they are on as we aren't them, however they seems to be a fair amount of people filling in their own blanks.

i don't know what the facts of the matter are - of course, I only know what the OP has written. But the language used bothers me. A lot.

littlefrogs You are assuming that the Ex was the primary carer, as you were, though?

Yet, there is nothing in the OPs posts to suggest she was, or to suggest that it was a joint decision for her to stay at home?

It is possible that the OPs DP worked long hours in order to afford a full-time carer for his DS. Or that he wished to share the burden of care more equally, but his ex refused. Or that the older DD was given responsibility for her DBro care.

As has been mentioned, there is a lot of assumption and projection taking place. Your own feelings about the language used in the OP are because you have aligned the Ex's situation to similar to your own - and yet, there are any number of alternative realities that could also be the case.

Bubbles - you obviously have issues with my comments in particular and I completely agree there are as always loads of things we do not know.

OP is not getting a hard time, her DP is being given a hard time.

He is going travelling - who is looking after his DCs?

I would love to up sticks and travel for a few months but 3 DCs do not fit in to that scenario. It is about acting like a responsible adult for your children, albeit in this scenario, an adult child. His needs do not disappear whilst he is off travelling. As to the poor DD - she has said she does not want to meet the OP yet, so actually her Mum asking for OP not to be about farewell bash - was not unreasonable for the sake of her daughter. Poor DD would have been faced with meeting a person she is not ready to meet, at the last opportunity to see her Dad, talk to him before he disappears off travelling - the Mum was right to ask. Someone is looking out for both DCs.

"I don't think a 50:50 split sounds very fair given that she has been a SAHM and carer for a disabled son for 22 years. I don't imagine she can just build a good enough career in two years to be able to provide for herself and children."

I agree. Neither of my children is disabled, and it has still been hard.

A year is nothing. It took five years before I could exchange information with my x like I would with a stranger.

You're taking on a lot if you stay with this guy, and you know that. I don't think there's any advice that will make the situation less difficult!

OP - can not advise on your situation as have no experience of step-children but just wanted to say you sound lovely and thoughtful and some of the pp are being unnecessarily harsh

I have a disabled child. I volunteer two mornings a week for an advice line while he is at school, and I am looking to do two overnights in a supermarket when his Dad is at home with him and his younger sister, just so I feel I am involved in the world of work. I have a degree from one of the most competitive Oxbridge colleges and had a good job before I had my children. But nobody else can care for him as I do, or give him the life chances I can, and so I get on with it. What else is there? I have to take him to school and collect him, or he can't manage the stress at all. When I was ill, he fell apart. He is now terrified if I so much as have a headache and need to lie down.

There is no way on earth a 50/50 split is fair when one party has taken the full career hit and has primary financial responsibility for someone whose developmental level is primary school for life. And a parent who goes travelling and leaves the other to fully care for that child... sorry, OP, but his complaints that his ex doesn't allow him as much time with that child/manages all contact sounds as if it might bear investigation.

It's very isolating, having a disabled child. You'd be amazed how many fab friends melt away as though it's somehow contagious and their own might be infected. His family are her family.

I'm not saying he is a dick. I don't know him, and perhaps she has a lot of family money or something which would justify what on the face of it looks atrocious meanness on his part, and maybe she doesn't actually allow him near their disabled child to the extent that travelling makes no odds, and maybe maybe maybe, perhaps perhaps perhaps. I am simply saying that your posts made me feel sick with what it shows about her life, and desperately sorry for her. I just hope my faith in my own husband is justified, because I can't fathom any of it.

And I would not want to go near a man with a bargepole, tbh, on the facts you've provided. I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

thank you sleeponeday - a perfect summary

You've got the life with her ex-H that she can only dream of, and would never be able to have because one of their children is dependent for life. She's managing the dependency thing. Always has done and always will do. No one is giving her a medal for doing so - after all she's 'just' the parent.

That's the issue she's having to cope with. Before you even start questioning her parenting abilities, nor the decisions of the adult children, please bear in mind you're not a parent. I mean if you're struggling to fathom this - then remind yourself you don't have a clue.

So imagine how perplexed she might feel when her life has remained unchanged, except for the fact that her partner, sorry spouse, of 30 years is no longer around to rely on for support, financially, emotionally nor practically.

30 years? Imagine if you'd just come out of prison after a 30 year sentence - would you be able to cope with 'real life' after just one year? What about how others deal with you? Judge you? Accept you?

Imagine having to cope financially, emotionally and practically on your own for the first time in 30 years, sorry 31 years, when the other parent in this sorry story is off on their travels having the holiday of a life-time.

So top of the list for her is most definitely not worrying about etiquette at a barbecue.

If you want my advice...respect the fact that marriage of 30 years, which produced children, is going not going to untangle itself no matter what.

You are just a what to her.

And no matter what 'he says' as to why the marriage broke down - what matters is the fact that there was a marriage which gives him and her a life long legacy. Respect that - and you're on your way to harmony.