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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

apparantly ill never be stepmum

85 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 14/06/2015 20:32

I am not married to dp but have been with him for 3 yrs. On here I refer to dsd as stepkids as it's easier.

I was out shopping with dsd and we were in a shop. She was buying false nails and asked if mum was here. I said I was the adult with her. Fine. Then I was talking to dsd and said well one day if I ever marry your dad I'd be your step mum. Well all he'll has broken loose.

Dsd told mum and mums gone ballistic.FFS.

OP posts:

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 14/06/2015 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 14/06/2015 20:45

It's a joke. What dsd has said was taken right out of context.

I don't want to play mum to her children. Mum needs to grow up and get a grip. I mean 3 yrs and I'm still getting crap like this!!!

Why do I even bother wanting to do nice things.

OP posts:

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 14/06/2015 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GemmaTeller · 14/06/2015 20:54

Even though I was DSD's 'stepmum' for many years before DH and I got married his ex made it quite clear I would never be acknowledged as 'stepmum'.
Its only in the last few years when DSD left home and went to uni she started referring to me as her stepmum.

On the other hand, as a youngster myself, I can clearly remember being about 6/7 and walking up the road with my stepdad, my father having died when I was 18 months old. He casually asked 'why don't you call me dad?' I replied 'because you're not my dad'. And I never did.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 14/06/2015 21:14

It's N absolute joke. I'm not here to replace or take place of anyone. It was a flippant comment.

I'll keep my mouth shut from now on.

OP posts:

daftgeranium · 14/06/2015 21:29

alwaystrying I don't think you said anything wrong here. I think DSD is being very oversensitive about this. But don't think it's your fault, you were trying to be positive, she clearly sees things in a very different way. I can understand you feeling hurt, it must feel like rejection despite all your efforts.

Can I ask where your OH is in all this? He should be trying to help - could he help you two to develop a stronger relationship over time?

Bellebella · 14/06/2015 21:45

Maybe your dsd sees it as some sort of label connecting her to you that she does not like.

I must admit sometimes I feel being referred to as stepmum is wrong in a way. I mean if you don't particulary like your stepmum, have no view of her as anything like a parent then why must you refer to her as a stepmum rather than your dad's partner. My mum is married but I certainly don't see him as a step-parent. It just does feel right for me to then call him my step-dad if that makes sense.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 14/06/2015 21:49

I don't expect her to call me it. But is is not easier to say so and so is my stepmum. It's not a big deal to me that's why I didn't think anything of it. I think mum is reading too much into it and tryin g to cause an arguement over nothing.

My dp thinks his ex is a total trumpet and just out to cause bother. He's not really fussed about her opinion.

OP posts:

FeelTheNoise · 14/06/2015 21:50

I'm just "Dad's girlfriend" even though DP and I are raising DSD full time

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 14/06/2015 21:54

This is what I mean tho if I'm dad gifriend or wife or whatever why does it matter. It doesn't change the fact I play a role in the kids life whether mum likes it or not.

Its an actual headache.

OP posts:

Bellebella · 14/06/2015 21:57

It doesn't really. It's all up to her how she sees you. If she is comfortable referring to you as a stepmum or if she would rather carry on referring to you as dad's partner. It makes 0 difference.

The mum is just over-reacting.

Melonfool · 14/06/2015 22:26

I have the opposite - dss refers to me as his 'stepmum' but I never have (except here, where it's easier). Somehow he mentioned this to his mum who went nuts. She and her dp are engaged, we are not. We have been together a lot longer, but they have lived together longer.

I like to live my life at my pace, not hers and I don't care what dss calls me nor what the ex thinks about it.

Really, don't worry about her reaction - the social norm is that if you marry the father you are the stepmother, the ex cannot change that - but surely what is important is your relationship with dp and the child, not what label anyone chooses to put on it?

Funnily enough, dss asked me tonight if we would get married - dp has mainly been against this but recently his view has changed and we've had a few chats about it where we're coming to the agreement that we will, so I said 'we might do, we've talked about it, but it won't be a big thing if we do, it'll just be a little thing' and he 'well, I wouldn't have anything against that, I mean, you've been together a long time now' - he is funny sometimes! (I said 'thank you, that's kind of you')

AussiestepMuM · 15/06/2015 02:00

I get the same thing from my partners ex wife. She is a nightmare. We have now been through court for 3 years & have orders in place & still get dramas & the pettiness. She hates the fact the kids & I get along & my partner & I have a baby together. I just want to live our lives& want us to all get along even if it was just for the kids - but that aint going to happen!

wreckingball · 15/06/2015 02:19

Just a question but I don't understand why she asked if Mum was there if you were shopping together?
How old is she?

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 15/06/2015 03:08

Wreckingball, dsd is 11 and was buying fake nails. Because there is glue in then she needs an adult so was asked if mum as there. The counter girl should have asked if an adult was with her (imo)

OP posts:

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 15/06/2015 05:08

The thing is you said if so yes total over reaction from the mum, it wasn't like you were going I'm going to be your mum when I get married.

But I do have to say slightly different situation because I'm not the person involved but I'm close to it no it's not easier to call each other step mum/step kids and I can actually understand the offence. I'm reasonably close to the father and adore the new girlfriend I think she's the best thing that's ever happened to him and the kids, very close to the mother, although she didn't treat her ex well and we've had words over it. Both amazing attentive parents. Another aquentence always addresses the new girkfriend as "mamma" sends her texts of what an amazing mamma you are, oh the children love you their mamma. It honestly does my head in. She is amazing she absolutely adores the kids and they her. But she isn't their mum, sorry she just isn't.

I think the word step mum can be very emotive if your not married. I would be careful of using it as general term, dads girlfriend or just dad always is fine. Why do you need to be step mum or mum anything. And by the way I'm a step kid myself, and my parents remarried when I was pretty young and it was always my dads wife or my (half) siblings dad.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 15/06/2015 05:19

i should add, that the new girlfriend adores the kids but although will be step mum is more than happy to be her first name or whatever, mum will always be mum, they only have one of those. Maybe the 11 year old didn't really explain the conversation, did you explain that step mums and mums were different. Maybe she felt she had to ask her mum why she would have two mums.

Mehitabel6 · 15/06/2015 05:25

You were just stating a fact! If you marry him then it makes you a step mother.
Naughttothreemight like to refer to her step mother as something else,but the position in law is stepmother. It is ridiculous to deny it- similar to saying a mother-in-law is 'my husband's mother' - (that makes her your mother-in-law) . You can go around saying 'my dad's wife' but everyone knows perfectly well that it makes her a step mother!
Don't get drawn in- smile, nod , ignore. If you do feel the need to say anything try the broken record approach of -'I was just stating a fact'. In a document - such as a will- you would have to go down as what you are - step mother.

Mehitabel6 · 15/06/2015 05:27

The correct term of step mother is just in law- it doesn't make you a mother! It is possible to be a step mother and never even meet your step children.

Melonfool · 15/06/2015 05:39

No one has suggested it makes you a mother. Why do people keep doing this when this issue comes up?

Mehitabel6 · 15/06/2015 05:50

I have no jdea Melonfool - highly odd to connect a legal term to the nature of the relationship. I guess it is insecurity. The mother in OP is insecure, she doesn't like the relationship and wants to pretend it will not be important or lifelong.

wannaBe · 15/06/2015 05:53

tbh I don't see why you felt the need to make that point to your dsd. Stepmum is a name - it means nothing really, as in, if you marry your dp your relationship with your dsd won't magically change iyswim.

Unless you and your dsd were specifically discussing whether you would be her stepmum if you married her dad and she had brought it up, I can see why the ex might have been annoyed if her dd came home and said that you had said out of nowhere that you would be her stepmum if you married her dad. It smacks of wanting to assert some kind of authority or right over her iyswim.

They asked in the shop where her mum was. her mum wasn't there. If any responsible adult could sign for her to have the varnish then you would be able to do that regardless of whether you were her stepmum through marriage or not. if it had to be a parent, marrying her dad and becoming her stepmum still wouldn't give you the right to sign.

I wouldn't personally have kicked off over it, but depending on how the child felt or how it came up I would possibly say to them that it would be up to them how they viewed the person and if they saw them as a stepmum that would be ok, but if not then marriage doesn't need to change that fact.

Mehitabel6 · 15/06/2015 06:01

i think this thread shows you the problems.
Smile, nod, ignore- simply not worth anything else.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 15/06/2015 06:03

It maybe the legal term but the meat use of mum is emotive, yes the girls mother may be insecure and it may well have been an over reaction.

Thing is the child is 11, and being told I'm going to be your step mum, sounds like I'm going to be your mum, I honestly can see why the mum would be upset. And I'm not for one moment saying you meant it or said it like that OP, but to an 11 year old it might have felt like that which why she asked her mother, and it's got lost in translation. Although wannabe's right why the need for the conversation at all she could have been out with her dad and been asked if mum was there, there was no real reason to define the relationship. Either to the counter girl or the child.

And yes every one knows that "dads wife" is step mother that's the point, it's telling people who you are without using the word mother. 11 year olds don't know legal language, so why the need to use it!

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 15/06/2015 06:08

Mehita I know many people who refer to their husbands mother as exactly that or Joe's (for example) mother and many husbands that refer to their wife's mother as Josephine's mother. Yes it's their mother in law, but actually I think it's nicer.

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