apparantly ill never be stepmum

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I am not married to dp but have been with him for 3 yrs. On here I refer to dsd as stepkids as it's easier.

I was out shopping with dsd and we were in a shop. She was buying false nails and asked if mum was here. I said I was the adult with her. Fine. Then I was talking to dsd and said well one day if I ever marry your dad I'd be your step mum. Well all he'll has broken loose.

Dsd told mum and mums gone ballistic.FFS.

I agree with Wannabe.

At 11 I would have been upset by that comment - I would been thinking - I have a mum, I don't want or need another. You're my dad's girlfriend, now you're talking about marrying him?! Etc, etc, etc.

Has your dp ever mentioned the possibility of you getting married to his dd or was this the first mention? If so that would also potentially have upset dsd massively - no matter how long you have been a together she may not have joined those particular dots.

You were talking to an 11 year old - not an adult. To you it may have just been a throwaway comment about something you have already considered and processed - but an 11 year old you are Dad's gf and she clearly HADN'T made that connection yet, so your comment was actually a bombshell in HER 11 year old world.

She's gone home upset about it, when you are a child there are often a lot of churning emotions around the thought of parents remarrying, and her mum has had to deal with the fallout of what you saw as a throwaway comment, but that actually had a far larger significance for your dsd, so she is pissed off.

It's NOT just a name to a child, it holds vast amounts of meaning.

I say this as someone who has a stepmum. Who she and db and I have always referred to as 'dad's wife' because that's what she is, we get on really well and always have - but she isn't a 'mum' figure.

Ohfor goodness sakes. Did no-one read my first my post as to how this came about?

I'm not going to repeat myself.

But for the record dsd has mentioned in the past about us getting married and so has their mum. Me and dp never really say anything because it's not happening anytime soon.

And for those of you who go around thinking that dsd is going to need some sort of councelling over this and that it's damaged her for eve- get a grip.

I actually thought it was cute that she would tell people I'm her sister rather than dads girlfriend. I just laughed it off. At the very least IF we ever got married I'd be stepmum. It's a fact. Not emotional abuse.

And anywayit was mum who took total offence to it. Dsd never said it had upset her. She was just recalling the conversation (and put it out of context).

Thank you to those who agree mum overreacted.

As I said before I do not need a title I am who I am regardless of being married or not. So if its step mum or dads girlfriend or dads wife- well I'm not going to magically turn into a different person.

She might not have said it upset her to you, but sorry for her to go and repeat the conversation to her mum it obviously bothered her. Why did she need to "recall" that particular conversation was it the only one she had with you or does she generally repeat every conversation back to her mother?! I'm taking it the answer to both questions is no, so she clearly been thinking about it. You really aren't getting that you were talking to an 11 year old! I know I'd rather have spoken to my mum rather than my step mum if my step mum confused me at that age, even more than my dad because I wouldn't want to upset either my step mum or dad that something they had said had upset me.

I haven't read any one saying she's emotionally abused we've said you confused her with the word mum. You might understand that your not going to be a different person but an 11 year old might not. 11 is pretty young, it might not feel like it but it is.

Now your entirely over reacting cos you don't like us going maybe you did something wrong.

presumably though it depends on what the dd said to the ex. One can never assume that the way something was worded in one house will translate the same back to another, so e.g. if the dd hadn't mentioned the context for instance she may have just said "oh x said that if she and dad get married then she's going to be my stepmum," in which case the ex may feel as if the op is in some way trying to assert some kind of status.

From personal experience I generally find that it's always best to ask for context when something comes from one house to another, but not everyone does that.

I still don't see what exactly I have done so wrong.

And yes dsd or sorry my dps daughter tells mum all conversations. This is why we get so much bother. Everything I say goes back with a twist on it and mum has a knee jerk reaction. Dps daughter is smart. She knows how to play her parents off each other. And in fairness it was an innocent enough conversation. The kids know I'll never be mum to them. We have had these conversations a million times. She has a friend whose step dad makes her call him dad. Me and my dsd laughed and said imagine I made you call me mum?! She laughed and I clarified and said for the record just always call me 'always' she knows I'm not her mum. As I say the converamsation arisen after the shop assistant asked for mum when she should have asked for adult IMO. Mum even said her daughter wasn't bothered it was her who picked up on it and under no circumstance would I ever be step mum. total overreaction from mum.

Why should I not have status in my own home????

And anyway I wasn't trying to assert status. It was a flippant remark about what ifs.
Hardly an excuse to kick off and start an arguement.

Ahh now you see that is slightly different if you had mentioned the daughter had a history of playing her parents off against each other my reaction would have been different. It's not normal for a child to repeat every conversation. So I presummed she was doing it because it was this one conversation that bothered her. My brother knew damn well which conversations to repeat and change even laughed when I asked him why he did it because it made sure both sides loved him. He told mum what she wanted to hear ie I hate dads wife then go and be her best friend and play with her kids when we were at dads, and vice versa!

Now with that infomation we are just talking about legal terms of what you are or will be to the child, and quite frankly it's nothing to do with the mother, if and when you will become stepmum, she can't say you'll never be one because she can't dictate wether your DP marries you or not. I thought it was a reaction over trying to define a relationship, and the mother feeling a little like her toes were being stood on. Not a you'll never be a legal step mum, you will be, there's nothing she can change that is your status.

Do be careful about flippant remarks 11 year olds can take them seriously, not saying she has in this case because it sounds like she's gone now that's simerhing I can tell mum. But knowing her history of feeding back to mum I'd just be careful it gives the daughter more ammo to wind her mum up.

Not a you'll never be a legal step mum, you will be, there's nothing she can change that is your status.

There isn't a significant legal difference between a married and an unmarried stepmum though, is there?

In fact, I think the only legal difference comes if the stepparent applies to court for contact with the stepchild (after a relationship breakdown or death). IF a stepparent is married, then they have the legal right to apply for contact with their stepchild - if they are unmarried, the right to apply for contact is not automatic in law (although it can be awarded).

Marrying a man or woman with children doesn't change the legal relationship between the child and stepparent in any way. There isn't a legal status of "stepparent".

It all sounds ridiculous to me! You may say 'my brother's child' but it does actually mean you are the aunt. You can say 'my mother's brother's child' but it does mean that you are a cousin. OP is stating a fact- her husband's child makes her a step mother.
They are facts- nothing to do with the emotional relationship or even whether you have met!

yes, what is all this reference to "legal."? there is no legal position in terms of step parenting other than it's a term iyswim. marrying someone doesn't give that someone any legal right over the child, so the suggestion of a term in law is ludicrous.

If the child has a history of relaying conversations back to her mother and the mother has a history of reacting to them, I'm wondering why the op would make that kind of comment knowing what the child would do with it and knowing how the parent would react. Fwiw I'm not condoning the mother kicking off over it, but equally I wouldn't be making those kinds of comments if I knew there was likely to be a reaction....

It's not a legal term, just a social norm.
Although, you're not allowed (by law) to marry your (ex, I suppose) step parent so there must be some legal status somewhere.

I shouldn't have to watch what I say though. But looks like I'm going to have to.

Actually, I think everyone has to watch what they say around any children. Not to do so is unwise and in a 'step' situation is more than insensitive.

There are several levels of sensitivity here - the child and the mother, but also the dp.

I am careful round dp not to judge the ex tooo much (a bit, I admit) because by doing so I am dissing him for choosing her. And potentially dissing dss as he is her son.

I am very wary with dss not to be critical of his mother (note - at the weekend she told me she was buying something I think is totally stupid, expensive and chavvy, I managed to avoid saying 'have you run out of things to spend your money on' [especially as she constantly claims penury and asks dp to pay for more and more things]. I didn't say it and I didn't mention it or my thoughts on it to dss. Told dp o the phone later though and we had a good cackle) and not to say anything to him that might upset her if reported back - upset mother = upset child = totally unnecessary.

When I speak to the ex I try not to either be too scathing about the behaviour of dss (he has been acting up lately) but at the same time not gushing about how great he is. I think either is inappropriate from me to her.

Yes, you really do need to watch what you say around any child. She may be reporting it out of badness or in all innocence, or she may be having it dragged out of her with Spanish Inquisition style questioning (which no-one expects).

It's a learning point for you I think, that you need to watch what you say.

Hmm I disagree. While we do have to be more mindful of what we say around any child, the extent to which we sometimes have to do that around stepchildren can be ridiculous! Ranges from eggshells to minefield around here. The amount of times that something soooo innocent I've said has been taken right out of context, seized upon and used as a stick to beat me with is unbelievable

I agree with feel the noise. Yes I should maybe think more before I speak but it is so random what gets used against me Id be better of not talking to save the arguments.

I also believe that mum needs to grow up and realise that I'm not there to replace her not do I want to. She thinks what she says and does is to the benefit of her children but all it ever seems to do is mess with their heads. If the woman would actually take 10 minutes to talk to me and be civilised in front of her children they would probably be happier. But she cannot see this and refuses point blank to have anything whatsoever to do with me.

But when she can't watch kids and dp can't watch them she asks him if I would do it. I told dp I am not a baby sitter. To which he wasn't chuffed but seen my point.

I agree that you should be careful what you say to a child but I would refuse to walk around on eggshells with the mother- I should be myself.
It is a legal status. When DH writes his will he has to specify 'my step son and name'.

I'm going to chime in here

My DDs will tell people that my DH is their step Dad. They are 6 & 4 and we've been together 2.5 years.

My DSS tells people "Thats my Dad and his wife." He's almost 13.

We don't have the bond that DH and my DDs do. I think its an age thing. He's had numerous "step Dads" at his Mums over the years and I think thats also affected him.

Having said that, I bloody adore my own step Mum who met my Dad when I was 17.

My exDPs GF isn't involved with my DDs, even after 3 years with ex. She was the OW and 19 when he left me for her. She met them a handful of times and then lost interest. Makes me feel quite sad.

your partner ex sounds like the nightmare we have to put up with. I was always trying to 'do and say the right thing' so she wouldn't kick off. I've learned that it pointless, she will kick off no matter what I do. Yours sounds the same.

For the last while I've just done and said what I think is right. If they all kick off let them, just shrug your shoulders, smile and ignore it. Don't over think it and try not to let it upset you. That's working for me, no matter what you do this woman will probably fins something to moan about so let her moan. Just do and say whatever you feel is right. You can't fix stupid smile

but it doesn't carry any legal weight. Step parents have no rights over their sc. It is a term, nothing more. Marriage doesn't make someone any more of a step parent than a long-term cohabiting relationship does. To the child, they can think of the step parent as step parent or as mum/dad's wife/partner. Which is why any talk of if op married the dd's dad she would be her step mum seems odd to me. If the dad and the op live together her status in the dsd's life wouldn't change for the dsd just because she's married to her dad. It should be up to the dsd whether she saw her as step mum or not, and she could choose that position even if her dad wasn't married to her.

If either of my parents died or they split and re-married it could be stated that their new partner was my step mum. Except in my eyes they would be my mum/dad's husband/wife. That is all. People put too much status into words like that, it's about the relationship not the status.

In terms of being careful what you say in front of children, of course people need to be careful, because the relationship the child has with the ex isn't the same as the one they do. Just because she's op's dp's ex doesn't mean that the dsd doesn't love her in the same way she always has. In the same way you can't assume that because a couple get on the children will like the incoming partner...

That should be at the end of my post! See, you can't fix stupid

Back to my original post the coneversation came as a result of the shop keeper asking for mum when it should have been adult. I have never addressed myself as step mum as me and dp are not married. I have always saidi will always be 'always' if that's dads wife or girlfriend then that's ok. My remark was ' if anything if me and dad ever got married I'd be your step mum' but I shouldn't have to explain to a shop keeper either. It was the first time the subjects really came up. Obviously I didn't predict the reaction from everyone. I'm just be more careful and not speak unless spoken too.

Jakie your not stupid. You fixed it

It's not a legal term, just a social norm.
Although, you're not allowed (by law) to marry your (ex, I suppose) step parent so there must be some legal status somewhere.

That was repealed in 1986, melon

It is now permissible for a former stepchild and stepparent to marry subject to the restriction that the younger must be over 21, and must never have lived as a child of the family while under 18.