apparantly ill never be stepmum

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I am not married to dp but have been with him for 3 yrs. On here I refer to dsd as stepkids as it's easier.

I was out shopping with dsd and we were in a shop. She was buying false nails and asked if mum was here. I said I was the adult with her. Fine. Then I was talking to dsd and said well one day if I ever marry your dad I'd be your step mum. Well all he'll has broken loose.

Dsd told mum and mums gone ballistic.FFS.

I don't know how you put up with the drama to be honest. Your dp should be telling her to back off, she doesn't get a say in what happens in your home. I couldn't live how you do. The ex and kids and your partner don't show you enough respect.

As much as a kick in the teeth as it feels, all those 'dad's wife, dad's girlfriends etc' are just that. I imagine if you split up tomorrow the kids would have no desire to maintain any contact with you.

Thats the difference isn't it? Its about the bond you have as two individuals.

alwaystrying I did fix it, cheers

I think there will always be teething problems in our kind of set up (I am in a similar situation, time wise too) I think 3 years is long enough for the mother to catch herself on and accept that you will be there what ever you are referred to. Seems to me she is the one that has made this an issue?

Did she go ballistic about you to your DP or did she speak to you directly?

Jakie and 3cheeky I agree.

I don't care what I'm called. It was 'if anything I'd be your step mum ' I'm not bothered. I'm happy just to be dad girlfriend or whatever.

Yes it was mum who jumped on it and started giving it big licks to dp. She's never spoken to me. If she had and was reasonable to me I'd be happy to meet some of her requests but she's just difficult . Aarrggghhhh.

Of to the gym to release some tension thensome

But why is your dp then telling you all about it? Or entertaining it to begin with?

This was my issue. I get told it's got nothing to do with me, but then she phones DP ( or posts on Facebook) about me without having the balls to speak to me herself. I figured that's when it does have to do with me. I've learned that to try and make this woman see sense is pointless, it only feeds her hunger for attention. Your doing the right thing, ignore her, do what you think is right and make sure DP doesn't get too pissed off either. Just not worth it. If your happy and you have a decent relationship with the kids then she can boil in her own juices. I'm a lot happier now and it's easier to deal with. try it, helps also

If she is that pig ignorant that she will phone DP ranting about you without actually speaking to you about it, there is no point in upsetting yourself. Accept the mentality of it and make the most of your relationship with DP and DSD

Jakie you at so right. I'm too busy stewing in the fact she is being unreasonable. wish it was easy to shrug off. Maybe in time. Defo focus on kids and dp and just ignore her.

It's not easy doll, not by a far stretch! I have other issues but as far as her moaning about me I just let her moan. Since DP and I have stopped rising to it it's actually settled a lot. There's other issues for sure, but it seems to have calmed a lot, I think she has realised she won't get a rise so she's started complaining about other things. They're easier to deal with though. Give it a shot and give it a while, it's Seems to working for us.

I've only recently found this site and when you read some of the posts you realise it could be so much worse! You sound like great step mum ( that's what you are regardless of what anyone calls you, including DSD) so just do your best and be happy with that although it's easier said than done

I don't think I'd want her speaking to me [at all] to complain about something I said. She can go through dp. I try to avoid being part of the arrangements but dp has been away so much recently I've been in the front line.
She pissed me off yesterday. She called the landline, as far as I know for no reason and she knows dp is away. She said she wanted to know when dss was coming back to hers
So I said he'd stay Sunday night and I'd go to work this morning, he'd sort himself out to get to school (I always text him to remind him too) and then go back to hers after school. But she decreed he must come back to ours, not hers, and she would pick him up when she finished work at six. So nearly three hours at ours on his own (I work away, dp is away) when dp and I have agreed he's not to be here on his own after some of his recent behaviour. There was nothing I could do, I was ambushed. It's all to do with the fact she doesn't like him riding "our" bike back to her house. Total rubbish.
Anyway when dp phoned later I said that's the last time I'm having him on my own if she's going to think she can dictate what happens in my house.

I did solve the issue by asking the maths tutor to come early so in fact dss wasn't on his own for most of the time.

She is also now claiming she's got the same week booked off work as when we have booked our holiday (you know, we have actually booked a holiday cottage) so is saying we can't take him away. I texted dp this and he replied "she can fuck off". She does this every year, claims to have made plans, then does nothing and dumps him on us at the last minute when it's too late for us to do anything.

Anyway, er, sorry - where was I? On balance it's better if she speaks to dp and if she wants to whine about me she can do it to him.

It doesn't carry legal weight but, whether anyone likes it or not, if you marry a man with children you are a step mother. It is possible never to meet them but you are still the step mother.
I fully agree with JakieOH - if you have a difficult ex,who will take offence whatever, just don't let it touch you- smile, nod, ignore. You will always be in the wrong- so no point in worrying.

Your right melon but when, every time, that rant ends with her saying it's nothing to do with me, it used to piss me off because it's about me I was dragged into it ! I kept quiet for a long time, then when I stood up for myself I was a bitch and trying to ruin their him doing whatever she asked whenever she asked no matter how ridiculous amicable relationship.

Anyway, sorry for hijacking again, just feel I have an idea how frustrating it is for you OP. Says more about her insecurities also. That's her problem not yours

But when she can't watch kids and dp can't watch them she asks him if I would do it.

I had this, Gemma can't have anything to do with DSD, Gemma can't take DSD anywhere on her own, Gemma can't this that and the other.

I said 'fine by me', I've got my own child/home/career to worry about.

Then one year EX said to DH she could only have DSD certain weeks of the long holiday so if DH had her xxx weeks then Gemma had her xxx week.....'

No, I wouldn't be using my holidays to child mind for her after years of her saying I couldn't have anything to do with DSD.

And, no I wouldn't be stepping in to pick up DSD when both DH and his EX were argueing about pick up / drop off.

Once DH knew I was being serious about not being used in this way he always backed me up.

I started calling my dads wife 'step mum' after about 20 years. Up til then it was just dads wife

Step mother explains the relationship- it says nothing about the nature of it. You can call her what you like,but technically she is step mother.

It's not 'called' anyway, is it - it's 'referred to as'.

I mean, dss calls me Mel and always will. If we get married he may refer to me as sm (he already does, as I said) but he wouldn't say "stepmum, can I have some ice cream" (where he would say "mum, can I have some ice cream" to his mum), so it's only ever relevant to describe the relationship to other people and as such is really a technicality.

I think because "stepmum" contains the word "mum" it can be a very devicive territorial issue.
My ex wanted our sons to call his partner mum the first day they met her. Which I objected to. But he insisted. At the end of the day though I'd rather she was kind to them and treated them as her own, it doesn't matter what they call her as I and they both know what the real mummy is.
Turned out she wasn't even very maternal either.
My own step son called me by my name for acute of years and then one day called me mummy by hus own choice. Which was a huge deal for me. Although I wanted him to feel comfortable so didn't show it :) and also his actual mums not around, or I would feel like I have stepped on her ...
My husband on the other hand doesn't want my kids to call him dad. And I do agree, cos their father is still in their life. But then he thinks it's rude they call him by his name. So what are they supposed to refer to him as??!

It just sounds like your DSD knows how to get a rise out of her DM and her mother has overreacted. I can see that a child/'step'parent relationship must be difficult for some birth parents to deal with but this doesn't help make life easier for anyone.
Years ago a shop assistant asked DSS (then 7) if it was ok with his mum for him to buy a magazine and nodded in my direction. I was about 20 feet away and I heard him scream "That's not my mum!!!"
The assistant looked at me like I was a child abductor until DSS explained "That's Catz?!" as if he thought she was a bit dim... Obviously I looked far too young to be his mum anyway
DH has always accidentally referred to me as Mum when talking to DSS but refers to his DM as Your Mum. After 13 years, none of notice anymore and I answer to anything that isn't insulting.

Mommyusedtobecool - Uncle? (joking!).

Dss referred to me as mum by accident the other day (a friend popped by and I was upstairs and dss said "sorry, mum isn't here...oh...um...I mean Mel", just as I came down the stairs [making it look as if I'd told him to tell anyone that I was out!]).

We've had the 'ask your mum' type comments in shops etc, but where dss used to correct them now he just doesn't bother, we look at each other and kind of shrug.

Surely no one is going to say 'step mother can I ........' ?!
If you get a story with a step mother you are going to have to explain that it is the father's wife but not the natural mother. It is a fact.
My son calls my DH by his name but he soon worked out that people who didn't know who he was referring to so he said 'my step father' and then everyone understands. However he wouldn't say 'step father can you pass the salt'!
It seems to me that some people want to pretend that the person doesn't exist!

Why would you bother correcting them in shops, Melonfool? They are really not interested or bothered as to whether you are mother or step mother. It isn't important.

I think it was Melon's DSS who was doing the corrections, as children do?

Yeah, it happens on a regular basis that when me, DP and DSS are out and about some where, someone will refer to me as his mum. Most recently we were bowling and I got a strike, the guy in the next lane said to DSS 'your mum's not bad!' or something. Time was he would have reacted more indignantly but now we just look at each other and do a little secret eye roll.

I'm not sure DSS would ever refer to me as his step mum, though I guess I don't really know if he has done. Here he calls me by a shortened version of my name.

To complicate things, the French words for stepson/son in law and stepmum/mother in law are the same. So me referring to DSS as my stepson isn't always the clearest way to explain our family set up!

Mehitabel6

Maybe if you read what I wrote you'd find the answers?

"Surely no one is going to say 'step mother can I ........' ?!"

Yes, that is exactly what I posted.

"Why would you bother correcting them in shops, Melonfool? They are really not interested or bothered as to whether you are mother or step mother. It isn't important."

I don't - as I said dss used to but now he's given up bothering. I said: "but where dss used to correct them now he just doesn't bother, we look at each other and kind of shrug.".

But it might be important to some people and it's up to those people if they deem it important.

riverboat1

" Time was he would have reacted more indignantly but now we just look at each other and do a little secret eye roll."

Yes, that's exactly how it is - probably because I've always been relaxed about it.

He does refer to me as stepmum. We were out recently, the two of us, and were chatting to a couple with kids, with all the normal "where do they do to school" (insert faux interested face) etc and after a while I just felt I had to say "I'm not his mum by the way", and he obviously felt that was too vague and said "no, my stepmum". So, I think he does like the idea that I am something, not just a person who he knows, but have an identified role (whether his mother likes it or not).

He has also needed a note for school in the past, just so he could take his hayfever tablets in, and I have to put my name and 'step mother' in brackets as they would know it's not his mother. I can hardly put 'father's girlfriend' can I, and if I put nothing it may as well be some random person he met on the street. Although of course they could ask him who wrote it but it's better if I write it on (yes, I know this has no legal status, it's just an anecdote about how it is sometimes useful to have that "unimportant" label).