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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

court orders

27 replies

marmalade32 · 05/06/2015 09:43

I need some advice please. Dp and I want to move . We have a child Each
Whilst my ex is reasonable about dd, his has said she will stop him seeing their 11 year old ds. Purely to try and stop him moving into. I think at 11 she'll have a tough time enforcing that. But dp says she'll poison ds against him.
Anyone with knowledge shall we look at a court order? Anything else feasible ? And how much would it be? I should add they live in the same house because of this and being unable to sell. Separate rooms obviously. Thanks in advance. I'm at the end of my tether with it all. It's heartbreaking nd been going on for months.

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 05/06/2015 10:00

On a practical note are you saying that you DP and his ex still share a home which they haven't managed to sell. He is now planning to move away - how will he afford to meet his share of commitments to his current home and his share when you and he move in together? Could that perhaps be part of the issue.

That said - you and he can move as you wish. If his ex's threats around not 'letting' their child spend time with his dad come to fruition then that is the time you would need to seek a court order. I am assuming that plan is for their son to remain in what is the family home spending the majority of his time with his mum?

Remember to factor in travel costs. And also that as your partner's son gets older he will become less inclined to spend time away from the area where is friends / hobbies are.

Original poster

marmalade32 · 05/06/2015 10:08

My fault I meant move in . We'd share costs
he would pay his share of mortgage etc.. and we'd work bills for this house as we could. We both work shifts so would want him on days off same as with my dd.

OP posts:

Oswin · 05/06/2015 10:13

How far are you planning to move? Who will do the travelling and how often is he planning to see his son?

Original poster

marmalade32 · 05/06/2015 10:16

It's . I live 10 minutes awa. That's where we'd . He wouldn't have to change schools or hobbies or anything plus there's kids on my street that all play out do he'd make new friends too. We work 3 or 4 days on then 3 off. So all of the rest days we'd want him. We'd pick him up and return him.

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 05/06/2015 10:34

So sounds like financially and practically not that many issues - although you do need to remember that saying his share of the mortgage is not the same as contributing towards his son so he may need to factor that in until the house is sold. His liability for his share of the mortgage doesn't just disappear. Unless of course they are in a position to transfer his interest to his ex and she can re-mortage in her name.

In effect is your DP is planning on moving in with you? Has anyone asked your partners's son what he wants? At 11 he should be asked.

I think you just need to go ahead with your plans in the knowledge that there may be conflict ahead. Deal with it as and when it arises.

One thing I don't think is fair however is expecting your partner's ex to plan and work her life around you and your partners shifts; nor is this fair for your partner's son. A fairly stable routine with at least some set-days will allow them both to plan their lives.

And I wouldn't be using the phrase 'we' if talking to his ex - she may well not be interested in what you are going to do but wants to know what her son's father is planning.

PeruvianFoodLover · 05/06/2015 10:36

I'm not sure it's as simple as 'when you want him' to fit around your work commitments.

Your DP and his ex need to agree a shared care or contact arrangement that is best for the DC. Both parents have a responsibility towards their DCs and it may be that both parents have to make suitable childcare arrangements for when they work.

There are some good resources online for separating parents including templates for co parenting agreements but if your DPs ex is struggling to deal with the reality of him moving out and is unwilling to discuss it, they may benefit from a mediator to help them reach an agreement.

inthename · 05/06/2015 10:38

What is the pattern of contact at the moment?
If she did suddenly stop contact and there is no contact order currently in place, then the first step is to arrange mediation as cases don't go straight to court any more. He would need to evidence that mediation had been attempted.
It sounds like you are asked for a shared care arrangement, which she may not agree with, but as he would not be changing schools and you are only ten minutes away is totally feasible.
Are they actually divorced? It sounds like they haven't sorted out the financial side properly and should really resolve that before you move somewhere else otherwise he could find himself trying to pay too much into their other house.
His ex wife will also need to realise that contact and financial matters are completely seperate, she cannot withold contact because she doesn't like it that hes moving out, so he will have to move and then progress through the mediation and possibly court process if she actually witholds contact with the child.
Do make sure for your own security that they are actually divorced and seperating the finances because to an outsider this also has rings of your partner not actually wanting to move out and then telling you his ex says she will withold contact to justify that.

Oswin · 05/06/2015 10:42

Does your do have exact shift patterns? Cause tbh I'd be a bit annoyed to be told that try ex would be having dd three days a week at different days and times. We have commitments and clubs ect so it suits her best to see her father the weekend. You need to look at it as how is this gonna work for the child.

Oswin · 05/06/2015 10:43

Or you could have straight out shared care and organise childcare for your time.

Oswin · 05/06/2015 11:18

What I'm trying to get at is if you try and create a situation that is best for the child then his mothers hostility might subside. Because at the moment it seems you want the child to bend around your schedule. Which of course has a knock on affect on the mothers life too.

Original poster

marmalade32 · 05/06/2015 11:27

Tbh it's sell a total nightmare. Their relationship has broken down to the extent that they don't even speak.. We are on fixed shifts. Maybe it does need looking a, it's just that it works from me and my ex so assumed it would be okay. He's frightened to move in because of his ex and what she might do.. I just want.,, need him to try because none of us can go on in this limbo.. His son has no life because dp keeos everything in compartments. We used to go out as a 4 but now he's too frightened to risk it in case she acts up.
It's a mess . I'm fed up of crying myself to sleep each night over something I have no control over...... I just want to try and present him with viable options, facts and figures....

OP posts:

wannaBe · 05/06/2015 11:31

Given that your dp is still living in the house with his ex, and therefore their child, I'm presuming that you don't yet have a relationship with the ds? Because even if the ds is aware his parents aren't together in that sense of the word, it would be highly inappropriate for you to be forging a relationship with him while his parents are still living in the same house.

In which case, moving in together and expecting to have contact where you are also present overnight etc is also somewhat unreasonable and would need to be managed more carefully e.g. his ds would need to meet you first etc, but only after a period when he is getting used to his parents no longer being together.

Given the complexity of the situation, moving out and straight in with you is something that I could see would cause issues for his ex esp given his ds' age, who will automatically make the leap to thinking that his dad left his mum for you.

Is the ex actually saying she will poison her son against his dad? Or is she in fact saying that she will tell her son that you are the ow, something which, even if not the case, will be hard to refute given the circumstances.

wannaBe · 05/06/2015 11:37

op, I lived in the same house as my ex for eight months after we split while waiting for finances etc to be sorted. My ds knew that we weren't together etc as we had separate bedrooms etc, and went away separately, but I would have gone belistic if my xh had introduced ds to another woman while I was still living in the house. Equally I would never have introduced him to anyone while me and his dad were still living under the same roof.

IMO your dp has made a very bad judgement call by introducing you into his ds' life while his parents are still living under the same roof. It's just far too confusing for a child to have their parents living in the same place and playing families with another woman and her child. It's simply not appropriate.

So while I can see that this is frustrating for you, I really don't think that the ex is the bitch he's making her out to be. Even if they don't get on on a personal level, it's clear that he's not putting his child first in all this.

Original poster

marmalade32 · 05/06/2015 11:40

She's saying she'll turn him against his . I would be very surprised if I haven'talready been blamed for the break even though it was before I came along.along . I have met his ds a few times for days out but not as a dp. Just said my name and dds name and friendship assumed by him. I wouldn't want him to be forced into a relationship with me but he knows me so it should be easier. Dp keeps saying I don't know how lucky I am with dds dad. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am the exception because he's still reasonable about dd even though he didn't want the marriage to end.

OP posts:

Original poster

marmalade32 · 05/06/2015 11:43

If never occurred to me that we'd have to fit around her because surely the child comes first like with my dd. My ex wants what's best which is a relationship with both parents. I thought most parents would be the same until I met dp and encountered her

OP posts:

wannaBe · 05/06/2015 11:50

I'm assuming you and your ex don't live in the same house though, living under the same roof is hard and it can increase the resentment. You may find that things settle more once they're not living together and she feels more free to live her own life iyswim.

Oswin · 05/06/2015 11:55

Yes op the child comes first, but that doesn't mean that the ex should come last. It's a massive thing moving in together and you need to think about how it's going to work.
So say on the four days do works and the child is with the ex, will the ex be working? So then will she get any free days with the DS?
It ideally should be an arrangement that is best for the child and where he gets to spend quality time with each parent.

Original poster

marmalade32 · 05/06/2015 11:56

I think so too wannaBe
it's just getting him to see that It's an unhealthy living arrangement he's got now..
I can't imagine how horrible it is for his ds living in a house where people don't talk and are permanently on edge.. My heart breaks for him a lot more than for me or dp

OP posts:

Original poster

marmalade32 · 05/06/2015 12:09

Oswin we work 3 weekends out of 5 so she'll get those 3 weekends with him
we'd ideally get the other 2.

OP posts:

PeruvianFoodLover · 05/06/2015 12:37

we work 3 weekends out of 5 so she'll get those 3 weekends with him
we'd ideally get the other 2.

And what if your DPs ex works the same weekends? It's really not a reasonable starting position for your DP to say to his ex "I want our DC with me when I'm not working, the rest of the time, he's with you".

This has to be sorted out properly before he moves on to a new relationship.

He and his DS need to forge a relationship independent of the ex, creating their own routines, traditions and family life.

While I understand the financial constraints and practicalities of the situation, your DP is not really putting his DS first by choosing to move straight from the FMH into your house.

I suggest you back off, let them sort it out, and gradually become an important part in your DPs sons life over time.

fedupbutfine · 05/06/2015 12:53

why should the ex have to fit in with your working pattern?

elliebellys · 05/06/2015 15:25

What a way to screw up a childs head.i dont think you should be worried bout the exw ,carry on with your plan nd im sure this 11 year old will make up his own mind on his fathers behaviour.op i think you should take the advice of other posters.or run whilst you can,its a recipe for disaster.

lunar1 · 05/06/2015 15:46

He really needs to move out on his own and find a way to work things with his son and ex. It is so inappropriate to be working things round you and your child at the moment.

They need to establish their family and how the three of them work together as a separated family before any more dynamics are added in to the situation.

Melonfool · 06/06/2015 00:41

Yeah, stay out of it, get him sort out his own life on his own first.

mynewpassion · 06/06/2015 02:02

You and your DP said the son comes first but this act of moving together is the opposite of putting him first. Its seems a disaster in the making.

Give them some space. And stop being a drama queen with crying every night about this mess. A child is more in stress than you because he has no control. Have a little empathy for the son.

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