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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Parents evening

45 replies

JakieOH · 01/06/2015 21:42

Is it the norm for SP to go to DSC parents evening? My DP really wants me to go with him to the next one. Given the car crash that is his relationship with his exw he has decided to make seperate appointments etc and has now contacted the school so he gets copies if reports, dates of events and such like. I really don't get on with his exw and keep a low profile as much as possible so I'm quite apprehensive about this but I also want to support my DP.

Anyone in a similar situation with any advice?

OP posts:

Babypythagorus · 01/06/2015 21:46

Not a step parent, but as a teacher I've seen this lots. Don't know if that's helpful, but you def wouldn't be the only ones!

roughtyping · 01/06/2015 21:48

Also a teacher and have seen this lots. My DH is my son's step dad, and is far more involved than his bio dad is (he's never been to his school for example) so always comes to parents night etc

JasonsBum · 01/06/2015 21:49

As another teacher, I'd say that if the DSC live with you for the majority of the time, then yes, go. If you see them every other weekend then I'd say it's less important.

Original poster

JakieOH · 01/06/2015 22:05

No they are with their mother through the week now. They used to come EOW and 2 nights through the week. They both (DP and exw) felt it was too disruptive to their school week given the distance in travel etc so they come EOW the sat night in between instead. I'm more concerned about the reaction from the ex than anything else Not long had a battle with her and I just can't be bothered with her drama but I would like to support DP too. Perhaps she wouldn't be bothered and I'm making a orib where there isn't one, it's hard to know! If others seem to do it maybe it's not that big a deal.

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Melonfool · 01/06/2015 22:06

Not been to parents night but this weekend I went through dss school report with him - dp away since Sat, dss with me for weekend, his DM hadn't read it, something about not being able to download it on her phone I gave him a printed copy to give her and told him he needs to speak to his English teacher about how to get his scores up. Some days it seems I'm the only one who bothers about him! (not dp's fault he's away to be fair and if I don't have him ex will punish us somehow).

Original poster

JakieOH · 01/06/2015 22:10

That should say EOW (Friday to sun night) and Sat night in between although occasionally through the week if the mother feels like it.

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Lolimax · 01/06/2015 22:15

I'm a step mum and a mum. I went to my SS's parents evening with my DH last term as his mum couldn't make it but I made sure she knew I was going and was ok with it. I didn't think it was my place to go otherwise. We get on luckily.

Haggisfish · 01/06/2015 22:21

Would it put sc in an awkward position-ie would they have to not tell their mum you had gone? If so, I would give it a miss. Loads of parents come on their own anyway, do it wouldn't be like your dh would be the only lone parent!

Original poster

JakieOH · 01/06/2015 22:26

he missed the last sports day and nearly missed the last P/T meeting because she has stopped telling him what's hapoening. Unfortunately it's not amicable at all and I think she is going to be furious that he has contacted the school anyway far less me rocking up playing the doting SM!! I'm certainly not looking to stand on her toes or overstep the line, far from it, but DP says he would really like me to come with him.

I'll see closer to the time but thanks for the replies x

OP posts:

hellsbells99 · 01/06/2015 22:26

Is there some reason that your DP will need support? Are there any major issues or learning difficulties with your DSC?

Original poster

JakieOH · 01/06/2015 22:28

God no!! neither I nor DP would ever tell them to lie to their mother, not sure where that came from lol??!!

OP posts:

slkk · 01/06/2015 22:32

I didn't go in early days when relations were more frayed but have been for last few years. It helps as I do a lot of work with dsc. Dh always had separate appointments from his ex except last year when she came to his unexpectedly so it was the three of us! He went mute but it was ok.

Haggisfish · 01/06/2015 22:37

Sadly I see lots of kids who are regularly put in that position of having to lie or just 'not mention' things to parents. Glad it's not the case here!

Haggisfish · 01/06/2015 22:41

Although, just reading your last post again-would exw take it out on kids if you went? If things are that bad between everyone, their mum might give them a hard time about it. My mum would have chuntered on endlessly if my step mum had gone to a parents evening. Although I would never have been asked to lie directly, I would have been put in an awkward position if she'd gone. What do the kids say? Why does dh need support-is he just a bit worried he might bump into ex.

Haffdonga · 01/06/2015 22:48

Ex teacher here.

I'd go if you play a significant role in DSC's education (e.g. you are the main homework supporter or the parent that's been in to school to sort issues), go if there are particular issues you are directly involved with in terms of behaviour or special needs that you'd like to discuss or if there is a particular concern you need to discuss with the teacher regarding the family situation.

If none of those apply and you play a less key role in the dc's school life than their 2 parents I really wouldn't go. It sounds like it will rile the dc's mother and it will make the teacher's parents evening even loooonger - all to support your dh. What on earth does he need support for? Parents evenings are not antagonistic, nor are they a spectator sport. Surely he can relay the salient facts to you?

Original poster

JakieOH · 01/06/2015 22:53

It would never cross my mind to ask the kids to lie or not say anything to their mum, they can say what they like and I'd like to think the same would go for her. we have our problems and I honestly can't stand her but she is their mum and to my knowledge she is a good one. I don't think she would ever put her kids in that position either much as we don't get on. Although she will hurt DP any chance she gets, thus would never get mentioned in front of the kids!! Ever!!

As for supporting DP, he is a big boy and would be fine on his own, that's exactly what I told him. The problem as I see it is up until recently the mother has always been in control of these things, as she wanted, and as far as he was aware she was telling him everything, P/T dates, plays, sports days, medical issues etc. this is how she wanted it so why question it? It transpires that's not the case so he has taken matters into his own hands now. I guess it's just all a bit new doing these things himself and he just wants some support. She has been very controlling so I'm pretty imoressed he is doing this now, he has spoken about it for a long time!

OP posts:

Original poster

JakieOH · 01/06/2015 22:58

Sorry, I'm rambling I think! He has always plated a part in their education but she was always there too at meetings etc, must be a bit daunting doing that your self but hey, I'm sure itl be fine. He just asked me and thought I'd throw it out there, think I'll orob just stay at home with corrie and a

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yellowdaisies · 01/06/2015 23:31

I wouldn't go in that situation. But I'd make yourself available afterwards for your DH to debrief to and share any pride or concerns. As a parent who's often gone to parents evenings alone, I'd appreciate that, if i was him.

crossroads15 · 02/06/2015 06:11

I go, sometimes with DH, sometimes instead of him. I've been on my own when neither parent went and I've been with Mum too. As others have said I doubt the teachers will bat an eyelid.

Mum maybe seething but she has no right to be. Your DH has a responsibility to support his kids' education via the statute of parental responsibility. How he chooses to play that out is up to him really, he doesn't need permission from his ex to attend, or to take you. If she's deliberately withheld information from school in the past to prevent him being involved, I don't really think she has a right to call the shots here. That's just hurting the children to get at your DP which is unforgiveable. From what I understand, you have the kids every weekend? There must be weekend homework so presumably you and your DP do play a role. Also I'm assuming you've been with DP for a while, are in it for the long haul etc.

I understand why your DP would want support. Yes he's a big boy but he has no idea what she's been saying about him (or you) to school. Going to those things as a single parent can be daunting. Dunno what it's like at your SC's school but at our school, it tends to be pretty much all Mums and female teachers. My DH only ever goes for DSD, he's never been for the DC we have together, he hates it!

Original poster

JakieOH · 02/06/2015 07:18

Haff, thanks for your response, I think my mere presence on this earth riles their mother so really whatever I do I suspect she would have an issue. I do try not to antagonise her but I certainly would not put her feelings above the those of my DP to avoid her being riled! It being a spectator sport seems an odd suggestion? I asked if this was something that happens often and for advice. Thanks crossroads, that sounds about right. She had witheld information, like I said I don't think it was to the children's detrement but it certainly upset their dad!

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AlternativeTentacles · 02/06/2015 07:21

I never went to my DSD's parents evenings nor would I expect to. Surely her dad can cope with talking to a teacher on his own? What support does he need essentially?

Original poster

JakieOH · 02/06/2015 07:35

He has only ever been to this type of thing with their mother and I think he just wants me to come with him. I can totally see why, i wasn't really questioning his reason why or his capabilities of having a conversation with a teacher! He is more than capable of doing that but I can see how these things are daunting and why it helps to have someone there.

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fedupbutfine · 02/06/2015 07:51

as a teacher, I would say we see all sorts and wouldn't bat an eyelid.

As a divorced parent, I would quietly do my nut if my ex's partner started turning up at events such as these. It is not her place. It is a parent's evening (clue is in the title) and our children have two parents who are active in their lives. I wouldn't say a word, however, because I know the games my ex play s and he would do it to wind me up...!

that said, if the children are resident with you and/or there is some kind of special need or you are somehow an important part of your step children's educations, then I would think attending parent's evening is important.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 02/06/2015 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgethesecond · 02/06/2015 08:50

Don't go. Your DP needs to go on his own. There is no good reason for you to go, you aren't a parent. You can support him by talking about it when he gets home. (Who ever heard of a woman needing support at parents' evening.)

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