Parents evening

[JakieOH]

Is it the norm for SP to go to DSC parents evening? My DP really wants me to go with him to the next one. Given the car crash that is his relationship with his exw he has decided to make seperate appointments etc and has now contacted the school so he gets copies if reports, dates of events and such like. I really don't get on with his exw and keep a low profile as much as possible so I'm quite apprehensive about this but I also want to support my DP.

Anyone in a similar situation with any advice?

Considering they don't live with you or live with you 50/50 I'd do what you suggest and stay home. There really is no need, you can catch up with DP when he's back.

I'm also a SM and have never gone to PT evening, it's not my place to go.

Parents evenings are tedious enough for your own kids let alone step children's!!!
I agree that if you don't have anything to do with their education it's a bit pointless for you to go.
Your DP should man up and go by himself - it's not that bad and will likely wind his ex up if you go long too.

I have no idea why and it may be entirely unreasonable of me to feel like this, but step-parents going to parents evening really annoys me. I would qualify this by adding that if the step-parent is a resident step-parent and the other NRP parent has little or no involvement in their child's life then of course it would be more than reasonable for the step-parent to go to parents evening.

However in a situation where the step-parent is living with the NRP and maybe sees their step-child once a week then I can see no good reason for them to be involved in parents evening.

Surely there has to be some instances where, if there are two involved parents, only the actual parents need to be present, even if two separate appointments are required.

In my particular case I do not go to my DSDs parents evening and I would not expect to go. It is for her parents to be interested in how she is getting on at school and my interest is limited to asking her how she is enjoying it and praising her when she gets a good report etc. By the same token my DH does not go to my DSs parents evening, even though DS lives in the same house as us. She spends two nights a week at our house and does quite a bit of her homework when she is with us.

However my exh takes his partner to parents evening, even though over the last eight years my DS has seen his dad less and less, due to her influence and his disinterest in actually seeing his son. He now has DS overnight twice a month and thinks that he is doing me some sort of favour by doing this. He told my DS that he needs a social life with his partner and that is why he no longer has him overnight once a week.

We have all come to terms with my ex husband's lack of involvement in his son's life, however it does make me a bit cross that he insists on taking his partner to parents evening even though she sees DS twice a month for about 12 hours at a time.

Just spoke to a girl At work who has 2 children. The father is involved with the kids similar amount as my DP. She takes her sister (children's auntie) to parents evenings with her ... her XH makes his own appointments etc. wonder if this Aunt would be criticised for trying to be a parent and the mother told to man up and go herself? I'm certainly not trying to be a parent and I certainly don't EXPECT to go or think it's my right. I would argue it's the right of the actual parent to ask anyone they want to come with them but that's not to say I will, they're his kids if he wants me to go he has every right to ask, I have every right not to bother I'll see how I feel lol

Do you want to go? Maybe you friend and her ex have a good relationship and it obviously doesn't piss her off who her ex takes, and that's great. But that's not the case with your dps ex, and you don't know the impact on the kids. Hope it works out for you

Maybe she takes the sister as a buffer against her ex.

It can be useful to take someone with you to help remember what was said and to ask questions you might have forgotten- whether that's a partner, auntie, mother or anyone else.
If it helps him have a more productive parents night then that helps his kids so would be worth considering.
Also at parents night here the kids can take you to their classroom and show parents (or whoever!) the art and projects they have done. If they want to share that with you then they should get the chance.

No she doesn't speak to her ex at all, all through solicitors to my knowledge but just thought I'd mention it on here

My DPs exw has been absolutely horrible to me, it's no longer my concern if she is pissed off at me because it is her default setting no matter what I do or don't do. Now I just try and do the right thing for my DP, myself and their kids. Its pointless trying to appease her, in the same breath I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to annoy her either. That's why this was a bit of a conundrum.

I'm not too bothered about going, it had never crossed my mind, I don't try and parent the children ever and we have a good relationship on the whole. I know my DP asked me because he genuinely wanted me to go, not to upset her, I'm not entirely sure she would even know if I went, they have separate appointments. Thank god I'm working on sports day lol!!

On reflection I probably won't go. I suspect DP will not be too bothered anyway once he has had time to think about it.

Think that is how DP sees it maroonie x

Hopefully things will change, my dh's ex, like yours, didn't like the fact that I existed, but time has helped greatly. I wouldn't want to go to a P/T evening but school plays/sports days id have loved to have gone to, just to show the kids I care and they had a memory of me making an effort. It would probably be ok for me to go now but it's gone on so long that I don't that there's no point now. Anyway, I'm rambling enjoy your and corrie that night

In our case I think dp's ex might quite like me to go, she's a lazy arse and hasn't been to the last two but she does trust me. She wasn't telling dp when they were so he got added to the school distribution list.

If I did go it would be mayhem, I think the school sucks and if he was my kid he'd have been out of there at least a year ago. But to be fair, unless all five of us move two separate houses, there's not really anywhere better he can go. But I wouldn't be holding back on telling the teachers where they need to improve!

Probably best I don't go.

They're always at 4pm anyway, so I'm at work. dp can only go if he's working at home that day and he never sees all the teachers.

I can't see any reason a parent can't take whoever they want to support them, surely it's up to them? Some people take grandparents. Presumably people who think only parents should go would also object to foster carers and legal guardians, you know, what with them not being parents and all.

I think it depends how much involvement you have with the kids school work. If you do the homework go to all shows/ assembies etc then I don't see why you shouldn't go.

Me personally I have never been because I was never involved in the kids school work. But now I am helping my dss with his homework every week. Uganda who reminds him to bring it over and me who sits with him if he is stuck. (I feel his mum should be doing this but the school raised the concern with dad that homework was never done so we now do it and mum takes nothing to do with it) I feel that I should be going to his parents night to discuss dss. (Particularly because I've noticed an issue in the homework given out).

no, we don't tend to see them through the week now due to the distance and awkwardness of getting them to school and nursery in the morning. Before that I did help with homework sometimes if DP was busy or working. Is it usual for children to get homework at the weekend?? She never does!

Is it usual for children to get homework at the weekend??

That depends whether they've got it done in the week already, at primary age. Sometimes they get long term arty projects.

It all changes at secondary - much more homework - but your DH and his ex may need to grin and bear each other's company by then (unless he wants to leave her to go on her own) as IME secondary schools don't allow two sets of appointments - the teachers have so many families to fit in they can bearly manage one per student.

Some stepmums go, some don't. My other half has gone on with me and on a couple of occasions on her own. Foster parents and adoptive parents go, so why not stepparents (yes, I am aware of the legal difference).

My DS and my other half have a great relationship. Because he sees me and her as equals. It makes sense to him.

Stepmums...there are no rules. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Best advice I can give is to ignore what everyone `reckons' because you can sure as hell bet someone, somewhere is looking down their nose at you.

dss gets almost no homework - maybe one piece every two weeks or so. Often his homework diary is empty.

He's in y9.

Lostdad you are so right lol like I said before I'm used to pissing everyone (in the mothers life) off no matter what I do so now I try my best to ignore it. A recent Facebook vendetta was the final straw and I had the 'cheek' to stand up for myself, it felt good but didn't help so I'm back to keeping my head down hence my issue with parents eve.

I'm not going to go, don't think it would affect the child either way, I'm not too bothered about going and I do think if the mother found out she would combust (again)! DP hasn't mentioned it again so pretty sure he won't be too bothered. If he really really wants me there I might but if I don't, I'll have a large drink ready waiting for him when he gets home in case he bumps into her lol

Melon DPs daughter is 9 also. I don't think she get much either, certainly didn't when they used to come here through the week, counting a few pasta shells, spellings and the like pretty sure she doesn't have any to do at the weekends, the mother wouldn't let her go without doing it I doubt so we would know. It's not a bad thing I guess, they will have plenty of that when they get to secondary school, let them enjoy themselves while they can x

JakieOH - my other half as lost friends over it...mainly mums who have firm views on this sort of thing. She has had mums standing at the front of her car staring at her when she's picked up my DS from son. She was dragged into my court case by my ex.

Stepmums DO `keep their heads down' which is sad.

If they are involved with stepkids they are accused of trying to steal another woman's children. If they aren't involved they are accused of being cold hearted.

Which is odd because...stepdads are valiant souls who are taking on another man's child and expecting nothing in return for it.

Personally, I would like to see gatherings for stepmums to get together to discuss their `war stories'. It's one thing to parent your own flesh and blood...you have to! But stepmums are doing it even though they COULD walk away at any moment.