Our Weekend with his kids

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

And I'm not looking forward to it.

Dad 10 has an attitude the size of the moon. Dss 8 is just being a wee shit.

I can't be parsed with them this weekend. I'm at the end of my tether. I have tried for 3 years now to be nice and friendly and welcome them into my life and its been a really bumpy road. Loads of good and bad times. But recently the kids are just a handful. And in really beginning to not like when the kids come over. I always feel on edge. Everything I say or do goes back to mum. I feel awkward in my own home. And dp knows how I feel yet continually forces me to do stuff with dsd even though he knows shes a little witch when it comes to me. It's driving me bonkers.

I just feel unwelcome every time they come and dp doesn't do anything to address the situation except when he has a go at me.

Tonight he told me not to have a go at the kids if they come in being noisey. ( I was trying to get a quick nap before they came over) I was like well they are old enough to see me sleeping and to know just to be quiet.

I'm so frustrated already and they have only been here an hour. Think I'll get an early night. I'm not in the mood to baby and pussy foot around the Kids.

Being a SM is very difficult, as I know only too well, I too have resentments and issues....but to be perfectly honest with you, I don't think this is going to work out! It appears you've been with DP for a relatively short time, and if your feelings are this strong now, it's unlikely things will improve. I'd seriously be thinking about whether this is the life you want to live, you need to make some hard choices!

Look it's obviously not working for you so just walk away. No point feeling on edge and dreading her visits or referring to her as a little witch. Find a man without kids because it can be a really difficult situation.

I don't think he should be forcing you to do stuff with dsd, that won't help with resentment at all.
Can you make plans with friends on weekends sometimes?
I don't understand why the dsc would see you sleeping though?
If you're in the living room I don't think you can really expect silence.

I think you need to step away and tell your DP that you are doing that. Make your own plans when they are with you and let him do stuff with them. They are there to see him not you.

Maybe if he has to do everything for them he will appreciate you a bit more too.

Look, I know step-parenting can be really frustrating, infuriating and just generally rather shit at points, but your post is not good.

If you're feeling like that as a one-off bad mood this weekend then take yourself out and away from the situation. The step-kids WILL pick up on your "can't be arsed" with them attitude. It's not fair on anyone.

If it's not a one-off and you are indeed feeling like this whenever your husband has his children over then you need to rethink the relationship.

I'm sorry to be blunt and I do sympathise, but it's not fair on anyone in the scenario to carry on like this.

The feeling is getting too frequent if I'm honest.

I just hate the fact that my relationship is great when the kids aren't here. And having to face up to the fact that I might have to leave to make everyone including me happy.

It really is the last thing I want.

Go out/stay with friends or family when he has them.

I think dsd doesn't like me. Not sure why or what I've done. I've alwYs been nice to her. Try to do stuff as a family or just me and her. But I'm noticing that every weekend we have them she causes a row between me and dp. I then go for a bath or to bed (because I hate arguing) next thing she is downstairs having fun with her dad and brother. I'm guessing she just wants dad time without me. Which we have always encouraged. I'm just really disappointed in her behaviour. (And mine)

Please don't feel bad op, I'm ten years in and my dsc seem to be getting younger not older ! Constant bickering and fighting,something that doesn't happen at all with mine (I know I'm lucky but it makes it harder to cope with if you simply don't have that stuff in your life) I have begun to take a different tack, I can't compete with the non stop bile that bitter ex fills the Dcs with, I've tried really hard for a decade. SO the best way to win the war is tactical withdrawal until they are older enough to understand how they have been manipulated by their mother. ( the older ones worked this out and moved in with us at 16. - so we can't be that bad). OP make your own plans on eow . Go out, see a friend, sleep over if you can, leave their dad to parent them. Return on Sunday and get up late, cook a big late brunch and then 'pop to the shops' get back about 4 and it will all be over.... Letting dad parent on his own for a few weeks will make him realise he has to step up and support you. BUT at all,times remember they are children and didn't choose any of this and it isn't beyond the realms of possibility that their dm has encouraged difficult behaviour to break you and OH up. It really does happen. My eldest dsc who lives with us actually recorded their mother telling them to 'if you give dad and the slag shit, he'll come back home' ! This was 7 yrs after their divorce and 5 yrs after we were married..

Do you have friends you can go out with in the weekends when they're there? I find that a wonderful escape sometimes. Or if not, then just taking yourself off for a shopping trip or a walk can work. My DSC are especially noisy when they've just arrived tbh, I think that's normal. Best to set aside and hour or two when you will be around to talk to them and intact as a family, but then find something to do that gets you away from them some of the time too.

She is entering puberty, always a tricky time!
She knows she is causing friction between you and dp, and loving it!
You have to provide a united front, she is pulling the classic power play!
All the above will get worse with her advancement into teenage years. It is hard enough parenting your own teen dcs, let alone step dcs! Be prepared!

I k ow she is at a difficult age with puberty etc. I just hate how she talks to me and my dp and I don't have a switch that reminds me she is just a wee girl. So when she gets lippy I get annoyed because dp doesn't always address it. He just makes excuses. I dont think its ok for her to back chat us. Like her dad will ask her to come off her phone. She replies with- well 'always' is on her phone. Or dp will giving ds a row or telling him to do something and she comes out with cheeky remarks. It does my head in. Then all of this will go back to mum. Who will call dp or txt him and say that I've been a bitch to her daughter. I'm just getting so sick of it. I don't really feel supported by dp when kids are here. I think that is what I need to address.

I wouldn't be able to cope with this. I'd rather not have a relationship with someone with children, because I know how difficult I would find it. I know the children would find it difficult - I'm sure all they want is to be with their dad.

Apart from going away every weekend they're there (which is a bit unrealistic) or changing your working hours so you work all of those weekends (which again may be unrealistic, depending on your job) the only alternatives are a) put up and shut up or b) leave him.

Yes, find a partner who doesn't have kids. There's your solution. Leave him to it!

But I'm noticing that every weekend we have them she causes a row between me and dp.

SHE doesn't cause arguments between you and your DP, You and your DP cause arguments between each other.

This is doomed. Kids always come first and you really are being unreasonable wanting them to be quiet because you want a nap!

Kids always come first and you really are being unreasonable wanting them to be quiet because you want a nap!

I do not see how you can say that. If someone in the house, me, DH or any of the kids are unwell or want a nap then everyone else should show some consideration and be quiet for a while. I do not see how that is unreasonable at all.

needaholidaynow

She replies with- well 'always' is on her phone - does she have a point?

My own kids annoy me sometimes. Sometimes I'm counting down the minutes until they're in bed. All kids can be annoying, not just step kids - it might help to remember they're not necessarily being annoying to spite you, just that they're being annoying because they're kids.

Also DP might do well to remember that families don't need to be glued to each other. There's nothing wrong with him doing something with both kids while you do something which suits you - we do this in our house all of the time - sometimes all of us will be together, sometimes 2 of us or 3 of us.

I'm quite thick skinned so the "everything goes back to their mum" thing is alien to me. If the mum phones DP complaining you've been a bitch to DSD well either you have been so that's fair comment or you haven't been so would you not just roll your eyes? You, DP and step kids know the truth of the situation don't you?

She's a grown up. If she wants a nap, go to bed and have a nap.

Tonight he told me not to have a go at the kids if they come in being noisey. ( I was trying to get a quick nap before they came over) I was like well they are old enough to see me sleeping and to know just to be quiet.
^^this was very telling.
First, he had to tell her in advance not to have a go at the kids - she has form for having a go at them.
Second, she was trying to have a quick nap before they came over, but it wasn't before was it. She wanted them to be quiet after they had arrived.
She wanted to be placed as the most important person in the house. Her DP should tell the kids to be quiet because she was sleeping. That gives them a clear message that she is more important than them. It's attention seeking and needy. They don't even live there, they're only visiting. Why did she need to be in public view to have her nap? The kids are young and excited to see their dad, but they have to see her sleeping and wait quietly until she deigns to wake up.

She feels unwelcome in her own home, yet she calls these children a little witch and a wee shit - but of course she's really nice to them and they don't pick up on this animosity at all.

Unsolved. I am not needy. I was having a nap about an hour before they came so they wouldn't disturb me. Dp pissed me off because he had a go. He is terrible for assuming my behaviour.

2ndly why should I not have a quick nap on my couch that I pay for? And why is too much to ask that the kids are a bit respectful so if I am sleeping they just get on quietly.

I am also very aware I am not the most important person in the house. I am very very well acquainted with that.

But ... Heaven forbid that I expect some respect in the house that I live in. I'm not the kids the mum and I don't tolerate some of their behaviours.

As for the going back to mum, innocent comments or remarks get thrown back constantly. Both dp and I roll our eyes as most of its lies. I'm really not the ogre I appear to have displayed on here.

Generally we have a good time and get along. Just these past few weeks dsd has been a little witch and acting shitty. And I'm not sure how to cope with it.

Perhaps if you think of it as being the children's weekend with their father that might help - as opposed to your with weekend with their father. You know as opposed to the other 12 days a fortnight you have with their father.

If there are two children in the house and you want a kip, go to your bed. Two children who are presumably excited to see their dad are not going to be quiet. Nor should they be expected to.

They never act overly excited. And we have them 7 nights out of 14.

By the way I should also point out when kids are here I'm always nice and pleasant to them. But I will give them a row if they need it.

I think these teenager hormones are just going to take some getting used too.

I know they never asked to be in a separated family but theyb are and they need to learn to accept it. I never planned to be with a man who had children but he does so I have to learn and try to adapt too.