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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Our Weekend with his kids

80 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 03/04/2015 18:32

And I'm not looking forward to it.

Dad 10 has an attitude the size of the moon. Dss 8 is just being a wee shit.

I can't be parsed with them this weekend. I'm at the end of my tether. I have tried for 3 years now to be nice and friendly and welcome them into my life and its been a really bumpy road. Loads of good and bad times. But recently the kids are just a handful. And in really beginning to not like when the kids come over. I always feel on edge. Everything I say or do goes back to mum. I feel awkward in my own home. And dp knows how I feel yet continually forces me to do stuff with dsd even though he knows shes a little witch when it comes to me. It's driving me bonkers.

I just feel unwelcome every time they come and dp doesn't do anything to address the situation except when he has a go at me.

Tonight he told me not to have a go at the kids if they come in being noisey. ( I was trying to get a quick nap before they came over) I was like well they are old enough to see me sleeping and to know just to be quiet.

I'm so frustrated already and they have only been here an hour. Think I'll get an early night. I'm not in the mood to baby and pussy foot around the Kids.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Humansatnav · 04/04/2015 19:36

Fiddlerontheroof · 04/04/2015 19:53

I'd be gutted if my kids step mum felt like this about my kids, despite the fact she was the OW. My kids find it very hard being step kids, constantly uprooted and sleeping at their dads once a week, and their behaviour isn't always fab, they are pretty much the same age as your step kids.

What they are desperate for is 1-1 time with their dad, they hate sharing him, and they can do the same to me when my boyfriend is over. They are expected to be polite and reasonable and respectful, but you have to be mindful, that in their life, they have a certain amount of upheaval that their friends don't have to put up with. That creates resentment and confusion at times for them.

We find, that my boyfriend making sure he budges up on the sofa so the kids can sit next to me, or taking a bit of time away from them to give them some mum time, massively helps. Then I bring him into whatever we are doing. That seems to work for us.

Calling them names, or demanding they are quiet when they enter your home is a bit unfair, particulary if they are looking forward to seeing their dad. This is the joy of step parenting, either you pile in, or walk away...but don't subject the kids to years of them feeling that they might be unwelcome by you. You can be as nice as you like, kids are smart, they cotton on to this stuff, mine certainly do!

PinkGinny · 04/04/2015 19:59

So your reference to our weekend with his kids is even more bizarre then - you should view them as a part of your live and home; not some random inconvience.

And as a heads up they are under no obligation to learn to accept the fact that their parents have separated - they might always hate it. You had a choice; them not so much.

You do not sound well suited to this at all. And a 10 year old is not a teenage by a far stretch, regardless of what is happening to her physically she is still a wee lassie.

Superexcited · 04/04/2015 20:05

I occasionally nap on the couch and I have two kids who don't disturb me if they see that I have fallen asleep. Sometimes adults get tired and fall asleep, nowt wrong with that.
It does sound like there is fault on both OPs side and her partners side. He should find a way to make it work for everyone or he should accept that he doesn't want to make it work and he should move on. He can't be in a relationship with OP if he is never prepared to back her up or discuss how to make things happier for everyone.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 04/04/2015 20:17

I'm always mindful of how the kids might feel. And I try to take myself away and give them time together but my dp is the one who wants me there. They are not an inconvenience. They are family. I never ever call them names except on here. I've tried giving them all time without me when they come over. We try to do fun stuff when they are here. I try to engage with dsd but sometimes she's ok others she's just awkward and cheeky. It's hard to tolerate when it a not your own child. I don't accept my nieces or nephews being a pair of brats. Why should I accept it of my step kids?? I'm not parsed of they came in and were noisey. I'm disappointed dp thinks I'd go nuts about it.

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 04/04/2015 20:21

But would you have gone nuts? He obviously thought you would, so perhaps you are not doing as good a job of hiding your emotions as you think. And you nowwhat that is sometimes okay - we all get pissed off with kids, our own and others. It doesn't mean however your DP is wrong to call you on it. I would expect to be told I was being a mardy arse if I was.

UnsolvedMystery · 04/04/2015 20:29

The kids don't have to get used to you and this relationship at all. They had no say in it, this isn't what they wanted.
They are children, not teenagers, not brats, shits or witches.
There is a very long road ahead, if you don't like them, you need to leave because this isn't going to get any better.

SeaCabbage · 04/04/2015 20:30

Have skim read but to address one small point. If you want a nap, go to your room. I think it is selfish to nap in teh living room and expect everyone else to be quiet - any age - but especially an 8 and 10 year old.

The rest of it. Have you tried sitting down and talking calmly to your dp about your different parenting styles regarding addressing your dsd's rudeness? If your dp understood the seriousness of this, maybe it would make him think.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 04/04/2015 20:35

Yea but it's like he caused tension before they even arrived. And it kinda snowballed from there. Would I have gone nuts?.. I dont think so. But that just put me in my mood. Then dsd came in and was being all arsey for no reason. I said hiya when they came. Asked what they had been up too. The usual chit chat. But later on when her phone was taken from her she got all mouthy and cheeky. Any way the weekends actually not been that bad. I've just stayed out the way. Spoke when I needed too. Do made all the meals. I've just tried to relax and not be bothered as much. If the kids get nippy I just go to another room. It's been relatively peaceful.

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 04/04/2015 20:36

The kids don't have to get used to it but they have to accept it. Their mum and dad are not getting back together. And dad is moving on.

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 04/04/2015 20:42

They really don't have to accept it at all. They are in fact more likely to get used to it. But accept it no.

You sound like a petulant teenage btw - it was all DPs fault, he made me grumpy, I just couldn't help it. And the fact that I was a grumpy git of course had no bearing on DSD being arsey. Oh no, that was all her fault for no reason. Really!!

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 04/04/2015 20:57

I think there is a bit of give an take to be expected from everyone.

Fair enough accept it not get used it.

Do you know what - I'll just let 2 children rule the house then. Let them do whatever they want and speak to me however they want. And I'll just sit there and take it because well the kids come first and when they are here I will be emotionless and do everything I'm told. FFS.

Have you even given any advice how to resolve this. Or are you too busy picking apart the issues I'm having?

I'm well aware I'm not perfect and even a bit of a Mardy cow now and then. I just dont think asking for kids to be respectful is too much to ask. I more than accommodate for them and accept them into my life. I do what I can for them and whenever me and dp do stuff I try to include the kids where possible. Like I say its usually ok between us all. Just recently dsd has become more difficult and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

OP posts:

Fiddlerontheroof · 04/04/2015 21:03

Not all of us picked you apart, some of us tried to give some constructive advice being in similar situations ...which you ignored. I don't think anyone is telling you that the kids should be allowed to do what they want. Now you do sound petulant !

needaholidaynow · 04/04/2015 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnsolvedMystery · 04/04/2015 21:06

You don't like them - there is no resolution.
Your expectations of them are completely unrealistic and your understanding of their feelings is non-existent. You can't see past how you feel to build any meaningful connection to them.
It won't work.

Maybe83 · 04/04/2015 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 04/04/2015 21:14

Sorry fiddler. I did take on board the advice. I'm not convinced leaving is the best option either. And going out and doing stuff to keep me busy is an option. But can hardly do it 7 nights out of 14 but it's the weekends that are the worst.

Also where did I say I didn't like the kids. I don't like the situation I am being put in or feel I am in. Is expecting respect really unreasonable???

I don't say I understand their feelings. I don't. I have never had separated parents. But I make allowances gorbtheir behaviour but it can't be a constant excuse for being rude.

Give me advice that can help me build a connection. Don't just sit there and type at me. telling me how shite a step parent I am.

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 04/04/2015 21:16

How do you deal with it? You suck it up frankly as parents/carers of all types, shapes, ages and personalities do. Cause children can be hideously infuriating - for no reason and for good reason. If you want peace go to your room and tell them to keep out, not nap on the couch and expect them to be quiet. If you feel uncomfortable in your own home, sort it out with your DP - don't take it out on the children.

Expect them to tell their mother what goes on - sometimes it will be the truth and other times their interpretation of what has happened, which may well differ from yours. Kids are not always respectfully. Fact. Deal with it. If you can't get out. If you and their father have different ideas of what is respectful, fundamentally their parents view trumps. I can't abide back-chat; my sister doesn't give a monkeys. She flips about an untidy room, I shrug. You and their DP are no different in that respect.

But it is their house too for 50% of the week so please do not forget that. You are not a deity deserving of special treatment - as far as they are concerned you are just another irritating adult, who is not a parent, and who tries to impose yet another set of rules on them.

I walk away from my children on occasions, I feel well pissed off, treated like a bloody skivvy etc. etc. If I am a grumpy bastard I tell them. I don't strop. As an adult you need to adapt; they need to grow-up and as children they will.

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 04/04/2015 21:16

DP agrees her behaviour isn't Great but he also doesn't know how to deal with it.

My nieces and nephews are far from perfect. I know they act up. They act up for me too. But their mum (my sister) doesn't kick off when I've given them a row. Or told them off.

OP posts:

PinkGinny · 04/04/2015 21:18

And actually they are 8 and 10 - I am fairly sure they have no idea how to give and take. It's not in their skill set yet.

RandomMess · 04/04/2015 21:20

It could well be that there is stuff going on at their Mums' but they're acting out more with you rather than be disloyal to you?

Being a SP is really hard work and tbh I would have thought that their Mum reacting to the "telling tales" should have stopped long, long ago... As a parent you listen but only actually react if you think it's a serious matter, most of the time dc just want to be heard/have their boundaries confirmed

Original poster

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 04/04/2015 21:20

PinkGinny quite blunt but really useful advice. And will definitely take it on board. Maybe I just need a thicker skin. It's just feels so hard all the time and like I say I feel unsupported by dp.

I don't think I'm some kind of diety or deserving of special treatment though.

I do need to adapt (still think the kids need to too) and they do need to grow up. It's just a long road I guess.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/04/2015 21:24

Sounds like you and dp need to decide together the line for what is unacceptable rude that has a consequence and what is borderline rude that needs a warning/explanation.

Really is a case of picking your battles.

One line I use frequently is "you wouldn't speak to your teacher like that so don't speak to me like it either "!!

RandomMess · 04/04/2015 21:28

You do need to explain/tell them when they're being rude, it is something they need to learn. Including if it's because of the tone of voice they've used as much as the words.

One of mine loathes/detests/cannot cope with being told off for something she is innocent of. She's had to learn the hard way that sometimes at school you have to keep schtum and then speak to the teacher at the end of the lesson and explain why you are innocent of the accusation rather than answer back and up in deep shit...

Maybe83 · 04/04/2015 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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