Our Weekend with his kids

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

And I'm not looking forward to it.

Dad 10 has an attitude the size of the moon. Dss 8 is just being a wee shit.

I can't be parsed with them this weekend. I'm at the end of my tether. I have tried for 3 years now to be nice and friendly and welcome them into my life and its been a really bumpy road. Loads of good and bad times. But recently the kids are just a handful. And in really beginning to not like when the kids come over. I always feel on edge. Everything I say or do goes back to mum. I feel awkward in my own home. And dp knows how I feel yet continually forces me to do stuff with dsd even though he knows shes a little witch when it comes to me. It's driving me bonkers.

I just feel unwelcome every time they come and dp doesn't do anything to address the situation except when he has a go at me.

Tonight he told me not to have a go at the kids if they come in being noisey. ( I was trying to get a quick nap before they came over) I was like well they are old enough to see me sleeping and to know just to be quiet.

I'm so frustrated already and they have only been here an hour. Think I'll get an early night. I'm not in the mood to baby and pussy foot around the Kids.

Unsolved, I'll leave it there because I still maintain that everything I did as a teen, good or bad, was purely and predictably selfish with no underlying/unresolved feelings behind my behaviour,! Like most other teens, I was so wrapped up in the world revolving around me, I just wasn'nt concerned for anyone else....luckily I grew out of it (again as most if us do) and (so I'm told) evolved into a reasonably rounded adult!

Is it really as simple as explaining a boundary to a DC in way they understand in order for them to respect it?

As use of this particular "model" is so identifying, then it is clear that it is not mainstream yet. Perhaps when more resoruces are available to parents directly then it will become more accepted. Fortunately, I'll be beyond my parenting years by then - the idea that DC's will become models of compliant behaviour as long as their needs are met or the reasons why they can't be are explained is a principle that I struggle with.

It is increasingly mainstream actually, just not prepared to discuss it partly because it's not really ethical to pull rank on an Internet forum.

I like the idea of meeting kids needs or explaining why I can't. I can't see the problem there - or do you think there is a time and place just to say "because I say so"?

I am not perfect and have been known to impose my will on my kids. It's not ideal though and I don't think it resolves any power battle in the longer term.

cedric My view is that in the teen years, a "power battle" is inevitable, no matter how much rational explanation and negotiation you put into parenting.

A 20 minute discussion of why I have turned the router off is met with exactly the same resistance and response as a sharp Because I say so as often as not. It's not an approach I use often, but I certainly do not believe that by explaining my reasoning to my DD, I am somehow convincing her of my position and she'll accept it gracefully. She still flounces and tells me its not fair, and then attempts to guess the new password in order to bypass the boundaries I've put in place.

Everything I have learnt about teens, both through education and experience is that they are genetically programmed to rebel and reject their parents as they grow up. It is a requirement of development.

Whether their parents put boundaries in place, or create a democracy in which they are invited to contribute, the need for rebellion is hard wired into teenagers, and they'll continue to do so, through whatever means possible, be that lies, manipulation, resistance or downright defiance.

I would go as far as to suggest it is dangerous to create an environment in which a teen is not given the opportunity to rebel and "explore the envelope of acceptable behaviour". They will miss out on valuable life lessons if they do not have those opportunities.

Peruvian, you hit the nail on the head, Ive had varied and long experience (albeit not proffesional) of children going from the terrible two's, to puberty through teenage rebellion, and back to rational behaviour again...it's normal, it's necessary! And I totally agree that whether you tell a 13 year old, 'you must not do because I say so' or whether you try to reason with them or and rationalise your refusal, you'll get the same reaction!