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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To think dh ex has no right to demand we buy a 5 bed house so dss can have his own room

86 replies

WomenVsbarbie · 19/03/2015 18:58

If anyone knows my last dh ex drama they will know my family set up.

In our house there is dts (dear twin son) and dtd (dear twin daughter) both 15. Two younger dc and dss 15.

We are thinking of moving as we have found a home we really like in a area that is more convenient. The house is 4 bed we are currently a 4 bed.

Dh nasty bitchy ex who has demanded my twins (who are full time residents) share so dss who comes for the weekend plus two weeknight can have his own room.

With have put an offer on the house and ex has found out. She is now saying that we are being bad parents for making dss share in the new house.

We currently have two young dc (dh is their father) in one room. Dtd has own room as she is 15. Dss shares with dts. Please tell me I'm not being an evil stepmum like dh ex has said.

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 19/03/2015 19:04

Perhaps she would be willing to chip in for the mortgage payments? No? Well suggest she buts out. Ignore her nastiness. I hope your offer is accepted, don't let her spoil a happy and exciting time.

HirplesWithHaggis · 19/03/2015 19:06

If the ex is willing to pay the difference in cost for a five bed, and locate same and negotiate purchase, she can demand her ds has his own room. Otherwise, meh.

yellowdaisies · 19/03/2015 19:10

Course he can share. My DS is 15 and shares with DSS (12) every weekend. As long as your DSS had a bed and a room that is part his (ie not just bunking on the floor of DS's room) you're doing fine.

5 bed houses are hard to come by.

LetticeKnollys · 19/03/2015 19:23

I remember you from your maintenance thread.

I think in a house of three 15 year olds they should share rooms based on gender not sibling groups. It would be mortifying to have your twin brother wandering in and out when you could be undressed at that age.

Maybe don't give your reasoning as "because DSS is not a full time resident", because he is still there a lot and I think your ex is concerned about her son being treated as a second class citizen in his dad's house already based on your last thread. I don't know if she's right, I don't know you in person, but there's nothing to be gained from throwing more fuel on the fire.

Viviennemary · 19/03/2015 19:24

I'm going against the grain and saying your DSS should have his own room. It's not the children's fault when people get divorced so I think they should be treated equally to the other children. After all this child is the son of your DH. It sounds as if you feel like he is just his mother's child and not his father's.

pootlebug · 19/03/2015 19:25

If DSS were a full-time resident, I suspect the room-sharing arrangement would be exactly the same

Two teen boys share
Two young ones share
Teen DD gets her own room on the grounds of being only girl amongst the elder ones
Your room

I would put it that way, rather than that he's not there every night.

pinningwobble · 19/03/2015 19:25

I grew up with four of us in a three bed house. sharing a room was just something that had to be done. I don't understand the big deal at all - YADNBU.

pootlebug · 19/03/2015 19:26

Viviene - but he is being treated the same as the other children - both teen boys have to share a room, and each has their own room (albeit different houses) for part of the week.

HirplesWithHaggis · 19/03/2015 19:27

DSS is being treated equally to the other dc, apart from the 15 yo DD. All the other dc, plus op and her dp, share rooms.

Ooooooooh · 19/03/2015 19:30

Your set up sounds perfect and reasonable

Greenoes · 19/03/2015 19:30

My DS (10) sleeps on a sofa eow at his dad's - the alternative is to share with his step brother (also 10) who pours juice on him in the night and wee's in his slippers. Not ideal but not really my place to question their sleeping arrangements (although cafcass are under the impression everyone has their own room).
You have to pick your battles really - maybe DH ex hasn't got much else to complain about

Viviennemary · 19/03/2015 19:30

But the two teens that are expected to share aren't related to each other really. No I don't think it's reasonable I'm afraid especially as there are objections.

Tutt · 19/03/2015 19:31

Tell her that if she would like to give you the extra money (in a lump sum) then the son can have his own room, until then if you are happy with the 2 boys sharing tell her to stick her nose elsewhere.
As for the comments of he should have his own room ignore them, they are probably aimed to make you feel shite like any good step-mpther should!!
You twins should not share, they are different sex and teens, that wouldn't be healthy or right.

I hope the new house is a happy place for you all and good luck.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/03/2015 19:31

Of course he should have his own room especially as there is another 15 year old who has their own room.
It's not like dss just visits eow, he is at your house more than his mothers.

LetticeKnollys · 19/03/2015 19:32

But he wouldn't be equal, Vivienne, he would be the only one of five with his own room.

If the three 15 year olds were all OP's children with no favouritism at all (and therefore equal), I'm sure the girl would have one room and the boys have the other. The girl might need a place to change tampons without a 15 year old boy present, he might walk in on her naked, her period might start in the night and she has to change the bedding in front of a 15 year old boy... etc.

ClashCityRocker · 19/03/2015 19:33

Hmm, I think at fifteen I would rather share with an unrelated female than a related male fifteen year old.

Even if they were all your dc, that's the layout that makes most sense.

Ooooooooh · 19/03/2015 19:34

It would be quite inappropriate for DD to share with DS. However it would be very appropriate to have a teen boys dorm for DS and DSS

sanfairyanne · 19/03/2015 19:35

but where does the money come from vivienne??
or i guess if they cant afford to move to a 5 bed they should stay put?in a 4 bed? where the dss shares a room?

Ooooooooh · 19/03/2015 19:36

I don't think it matters who's child belongs to whom, the older boys should bunk in together.

atticusclaw · 19/03/2015 19:37

Why on earth should he have his own room? I can't believe people are saying he should. He doesn't have his own room and neither does your DTS. They are being treated in exactly the same way. Anyone claiming this is unfair either hasn't read the post properly or is being ridiculously dramatic. The OP can't be expected to buy a bigger house just to avoid two teenage boys sharing. What if they can't afford it!?

Two teenage boys share
two younger ones share
Teenage girl gets the smallest room to herself because she needs her privacy and can't be expected to share with a 15 year old boy.

Its nothing to do with who is in the house more.

Viviennemary · 19/03/2015 19:37

They need a bigger house then. I wish people would give some consideration to children's feelings before having this sort of family set up. With a child spending 4 nights a week at a house and not even having their own room. It won't be a 'shared' room as such. They will be sleeping in somebody else's room four nights a week. That's my opinion.

LetticeKnollys · 19/03/2015 19:37

I agree that it's not ideal to share with a same sex step sibling, but boys share changing rooms all the time at school, and have non-relatives as room mates all the time at summer camps, boarding schools (I think?) and when they go off to university in a few years time.

In no other circumstance would a 15 year old girl and a 15 year old boy be forced to be room mates if it weren't the last ditch option, not at that age.

LetticeKnollys · 19/03/2015 19:40

"It won't be a 'shared' room as such. They will be sleeping in somebody else's room four nights a week. That's my opinion."

I understand and I think you're right about this problem, but if they can't afford a bigger house there isn't a lot they can do about it is there? No point saying "well they should have thought about that before having more DC", because there isn't really anything they can do about that now either.

HirplesWithHaggis · 19/03/2015 19:40

If it's about dss not being related to ds, he can bunk in with the two younger ones, who are presumably half-sibs?

Yeah, thought that would work...

atticusclaw · 19/03/2015 19:40

Oh its as simple as that then Vivienne . How dare the OP and her ex have split up without her knowing that she would be able to afford a five bed house in the future. In fact she shouldn't have remarried unless she knew she could afford a five bed house. Or had her younger DCs

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