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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To think dh ex has no right to demand we buy a 5 bed house so dss can have his own room

86 replies

WomenVsbarbie · 19/03/2015 18:58

If anyone knows my last dh ex drama they will know my family set up.

In our house there is dts (dear twin son) and dtd (dear twin daughter) both 15. Two younger dc and dss 15.

We are thinking of moving as we have found a home we really like in a area that is more convenient. The house is 4 bed we are currently a 4 bed.

Dh nasty bitchy ex who has demanded my twins (who are full time residents) share so dss who comes for the weekend plus two weeknight can have his own room.

With have put an offer on the house and ex has found out. She is now saying that we are being bad parents for making dss share in the new house.

We currently have two young dc (dh is their father) in one room. Dtd has own room as she is 15. Dss shares with dts. Please tell me I'm not being an evil stepmum like dh ex has said.

OP posts:
atticusclaw · 19/03/2015 19:41

I'd give them the biggest room in the house and use some sort of room divider so that they each have their own private space but the two boys still share.

Tutt · 19/03/2015 19:43

Vivienne I just don't see you logic in having 2 differing sex children having to share a bedroom just to accomadate some ex partner demand, utter lunacy to even entertain the demand, as long as all the children are happy the ex needs to keep her nose out!

Littlemonstersrule · 19/03/2015 19:43

So not only does he not get to see his father daily he gets to feel second rate as he doesn't even get his own room.

Why should he be forced to share with your children as you didn't think finances and space through?

ladygaga1980 · 19/03/2015 19:47

vivienne that is a good point actually, I wouldn't like to feel I was just being tolerated in someone else's room.

What does the ds and dss actually think? Do they like each other?

Perhaps the parents should have a sofa bed in the living room?

Or could you convert the attic?

That way all teenagers would have their own rooms.

needaholidaynow · 19/03/2015 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 19/03/2015 19:51

This reply has been deleted

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Tutt · 19/03/2015 19:54

Second rate really? I would say part of a family.
Many children whose parents are still together don't see their father every day so what is your point?

LetticeKnollys · 19/03/2015 19:54

I think people are just reading the title of the thread or just skim reading the OP and not seeing that he would be the only one out of 5 kids with his own room before posting needaholiday.

needaholidaynow · 19/03/2015 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GraysAnalogy · 19/03/2015 20:04

I think if you can afford it you should get a large enough house so they can all have their own room.

It's hard enough with your parents being divorced and your dad having a new family without feeling like you're impeding on someones space and being tolerated. It's much better for him to have his own space in which he can make his own for when he's stopping at yours.

But, it's expensive and if you can't do it you can't do it, and he'll have to be happy with sharing. Has anyone asked his thoughts on the matter by the way because it just sounds as though his mum has demanded?

pinningwobble · 19/03/2015 20:07

Vivienne are you actually saying that people should not split up or move in with new partners??? Really??

AmandaTanen · 19/03/2015 20:07

I think it's perfectly fine for the 2 boys to share, presuming that they both have proper beds, equal room to store things and put their own posters up etc.

needaholidaynow · 19/03/2015 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsLettuce · 19/03/2015 20:09

But, DSS isn't just 'stopping over' 4 nights a week makes it his main residence. Or not? It's fair to assume he's built up familial relations with DTS and D in the time it's taken OP and her DP to make two children, I think.

Surely (apart from financial considerations) a 5 bedroom house would be a non-starter because of the two younger DC? It'd need to be 6 bedrooms, which is madness.

Sure, DSS needs his own dedicated space in his main home but a shared room is fine IMO. Room divider palava would be great if possible but continuing the staus quo of sharing would seem reasonable.

SylvaniansAtEase · 19/03/2015 20:10

'Yes, DSS is sharing a room, just like the other children in the family who are the same gender'

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Phone down.

MrsLettuce · 19/03/2015 20:10

^ this

yellowdaisies · 19/03/2015 20:10

As I mentioned, my DS and DSS, who aren't related by blood share. We have 6 DC between us, all aged 11-17 and I think they'd all tell you they'd rather share with a same sex step sibling rather than an opposite sex sibling. I'm not sure what you think the issue is Vivian? Do you have DSC who've had real problems sharing with a step sibling?

Sharing a bedroom is a perfectly normal part of childhood for many children. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about as a parent whose children share a roomConfused

Yes if they're objecting you could look at a movable dividing wall - my ex has one for my DS and DD who share when they're at his home. They really like having it and no longer complain about being kept awake by reading lamps and tablets

MisForMumNotMaid · 19/03/2015 20:12

I think she's being completely unreasonable. Surely the only answer is to get a six/ seven bed house. Everyone should have their own room including you and your DH. Its completely unfair on a 15 year old to have to see his father sharing his bed with another women.

Meanwhile back in the real world ignore, try your damnedest not to dwell or become bitter yourself. What can she really do? Only a few years and the financial tie ends then your DSS will be able to make his own adult decisions about contact etc.

DanaBarrett · 19/03/2015 20:21

Slightly different but my DD4 shares with DSD8. They have bunk beds and share the rest if the space, DSD has slightly less storage space as she's with us EOW. But her bed is her bed. It's not DD4s room, it's DSD&DDs room. DD2 has her own tiny room. The older two know that they get the bigger room because they share, each has space there, no-one feels like the other is invading.

TheCraicDealer · 19/03/2015 20:26

I get the point that it would be shite to be feeling like you're intruding on someone's space every time you came to stay. Perhaps a way around this would be to give the two boys the biggest room with a large bookcase/storage system down the middle to section off a part of the room for DSS, perhaps something like this which can be accessed from both sides. You could turn it into a bit of a project with both boys involved in decoration? Make "their room" a priority when you move in. I'm sure your DSS has no expectation of his own room anyway, but these things could make it a bit nicer for him and give both boys a bit of privacy.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/03/2015 20:32

Assuming you can't afford a 5 bedroomed house and a private jet without having to sacrifice something else important like food! then the situation is that you have 4 bedrooms and 7 people.

You and your dh share so that leaves 3 bedrooms and 5 people.

It is inappropriate for two 15 yo of opposite sex to share.

Am assuming that the younger kids are so young that their sex doesn't matter. So two choices:-

(i) Stay as you are.
(ii) Split the two little ones and the 3 big ones rotate sharing with them and having a room to themselves every 4 months. Obviously has the downside that for the 8 months of the year they are sharing their room will be out of bounds once the little ones are asleep.

Assuming that they go for the current arrangement then I do think that some posters have a point about it being "Ds's room". So you'll need to work to avoid that. Separate but identical beds, shelves, desks etc - depending on room size. But to be honest 4 nights a week is a lot so dss should be able to claim his half anyway.

yellowdaisies · 19/03/2015 20:34

Both names on the door is a very simple and clear way to mark that a room is a shared bedroom

HerRoyalNotness · 19/03/2015 20:40

the only people who have the right decide or even voice an opinion are

a) mainly, the people earning the money to buy the house, and
b) to a much lesser extent, the people living in the house

It's none of his Xs business. You could buy a 2 bed, and put 5 DC in the same room, and that's still none of her business.

"I refuse to discuss this with you, it's not your business" repeat as required.

CaptainHolt · 19/03/2015 20:48

Isn't there a risk that dss will feel like an absolute tool knowing his mothers request that he be the only child in the house not to share a room means the opposite sex sibling have to share. It's a bit Dudley Dursley.

wheresthelight · 19/03/2015 21:28

some of the responses om here are ludicrous and you can very easily spot the people who aren't step parents!!

op get your dh to tell his ex to butt out as it is actually none of her business. the set up you have is fine providing both boys are happy.

dsd (9) and dd (18 months) share a room. they love it! dsd has the top bunk and dd has the bottom, they both have a wardrobe and drawers and lots of toys and space. dss has his own room as he is 11 and it would be inappropriate for him to share with either of the girls. it is a very common set up.

let the boys decide how they both want their new room decorated and if a mutual decision can't be reached then they both get 2 walls to call their own. easy peasy

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