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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To think dh ex has no right to demand we buy a 5 bed house so dss can have his own room

86 replies

WomenVsbarbie · 19/03/2015 18:58

If anyone knows my last dh ex drama they will know my family set up.

In our house there is dts (dear twin son) and dtd (dear twin daughter) both 15. Two younger dc and dss 15.

We are thinking of moving as we have found a home we really like in a area that is more convenient. The house is 4 bed we are currently a 4 bed.

Dh nasty bitchy ex who has demanded my twins (who are full time residents) share so dss who comes for the weekend plus two weeknight can have his own room.

With have put an offer on the house and ex has found out. She is now saying that we are being bad parents for making dss share in the new house.

We currently have two young dc (dh is their father) in one room. Dtd has own room as she is 15. Dss shares with dts. Please tell me I'm not being an evil stepmum like dh ex has said.

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 19/03/2015 21:43

some of the responses om here are ludicrous and you can very easily spot the people who aren't step parents!!

all step parents must always agree?

NoSquirrels · 19/03/2015 21:45

We currently have two young dc (dh is their father) in one room. Dtd has own room as she is 15. Dss shares with dts.

So, to summarise:

You're moving house.
The room-sharing arrangements are staying the same (and no one actually living with them currently objects to them?)
Your DH's ex thinks that IN AN IDEAL WORLD you should buy a bigger house.
You can't afford to do that.
The status quo is being kept.

No, YANBanevilstepmum.

Are your DSS and your DTS OK with the arrangement? If yes, no further issue. If no, how can they feel happier in the new house?

Zamboni · 19/03/2015 22:01

YANBU. What you propose makes perfect sense.

clam · 19/03/2015 22:19

She's "demanded" that you buy a 5-bed house?

Has she indeed?

Nod, smile, ignore and do what the hell you want (and can afford).

MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched · 19/03/2015 22:26

I think it would be great if the two boys could have a large enough room to allow them each their own storage and space, so maybe they get the largest room. But definitely preferable for them to share than the twins.

sanfairyanne · 19/03/2015 22:43

there are some good mumsnet classic responses though to add to previous lists of solutions to problems . . .
we've had previously
get a cleaner...
move house...
get a better paid job ...
and now
buy a 5 bed house Grin

ArcheryAnnie · 19/03/2015 22:54

Sharing a room with another teenager isn't a tragedy - indeed it can be a pleasure, especially in this case where both boys know they will still get part of the week to themselves.

Original poster
WomenVsbarbie · 19/03/2015 23:18

Thanks for all the replies yes both boys have proper beds. We will keep the arrangements for the new house. I should not let dh ex get under my skin.

OP posts:
clam · 20/03/2015 07:32

sanfairyann You forgot "have a spa day."

sanfairyanne · 20/03/2015 08:09

duh
how could i forget 'spa day', the solution to all lazy dh problems

catsmother · 20/03/2015 08:13

You'd never imagine there's an ongoing housing crisis, would you, when apparently (according to some on MN) it's easy to pop out and buy a 5 bedroomed house just like that - this 'advice' freely given without any knowledge of an OP's financial situation.

Given so many people have no idea how they'll ever be able to afford to buy a 1 bed property let alone a 5 bed, perhaps all the 'you should get a 5 bed housers' should get in touch with Call Me Dave et al because they obviously know something he (and the rest of us) don't when it comes to buying a (large) house. Just imagine the vote winner that'd be ...

OP - another vote of support for the arrangements you have. I can't see a more appropriate way of allocating the rooms and the ex should mind her own business. We too have had to put up with this sort of shit-stirring nonsense in the past .... we really stretched ourselves and sacrificed a lot to be able to get the largest possible - but still not ideal (who does have an ideal home?) home for all our kids. That still wasn't good enough as it (sometimes, depending on who was coming) involved some sharing (by necessity, not spite FFS) and she made it very clear she wasn't happy - and unforgivably, also encouraged my stepkids to view it as 'unfair'. On the other hand, we also received no end of criticism and whingeing because our house is bigger than hers and that 'wasn't fair' either, although our house had to accommodate up to 6 people regularly and hers only 3 ..... we couldn't win, a smaller property would have meant even less space and presumably even more moaning but a larger one would have increased her personal resentment and envy.

You just can't reason with an unreasonable person .... don't engage, don't justify yourselves as you're doing nothing wrong and nothing which many 'together' families also have to do.

Sethspeaks · 20/03/2015 09:07

Is your dss happy with the arrangements? If he is just ignore her and think no more of it.

sanityseeker75 · 20/03/2015 12:32

Well mine have to share and are not even half siblings just step! What a terrible mom and step mom I am. Oh and DH and I have a bedroom all to ourselves!!!

Anyone who wants to buy me a house big enough so they have a room each please do, actually whilst your at it DSD has to have some of our clothes in her wardrobe so a walk in closet so she doesn't have to share with my clothes(although she likes it because she often borrows my jumpers) would be nice. Ooohhh and can I have an ensuite because I hate sharing my bathroom with boys. Anybody? No? Didn't think so.

We all want bigger houses with more space but you have what you can afford, it's that simple.

If ex is willing to pay for the extra room and the extra council tax and the extra water rates for up sizing but doesn't want to be on the deeds then yep go for it, I would. The only problem is that she would then feel that she can be included in all your family decisions. If not don't even bother to engage.

Original poster
WomenVsbarbie · 20/03/2015 18:19

Dss does not like sharing but it is a factor of life. He does have his own room at his mums though.

I think part of the reason dss doesn't like sharing is that he doesn't get along that well with my ds

OP posts:
yellowdaisies · 20/03/2015 18:27

Would he get on any better sharing with one (or both) of the younger DC? Even if you think not, you could offer that up as an option for him, so he can decide that your DS1 isn't too bad an option.

Original poster
WomenVsbarbie · 20/03/2015 19:22

I don't think that sharing with a half sibling half his age would be any better. I don't know whether dtd would share with dts if they are happy doing this than its fine. If they are not than it will fuel resentment. I just hate the way ex makes dh feel guilty.

OP posts:
Sethspeaks · 21/03/2015 08:21

You say he isn't happy to share, but is that "I'd rather not, but will accept that's the way it has to be?".

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/03/2015 08:28

So if dds lived there would he still be expected to have his own room then?Confused the room would be unused for half the week while every one else is like sardines !

YANBU

Original poster
WomenVsbarbie · 21/03/2015 18:49

I think dss should share but again he doesn't like sharing but who does. I also think that if my two are made to share their will be bigger problems

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/03/2015 08:22

I think if DSS really is unhappy about the sharing, if he doesn't get on with DTS, then that shows why his mum is making a fuss. It doesn't mean you can practically do anything about the situation - you still can't afford a bigger house, it's still the most practical sharing arrangement etc. - but you could look into making sure it is the biggest room and is divided so that they can have as much privacy as is humanly possible.

In the grand scheme of things, it's only a couple of years. But teenagers do need privacy, and you should try as hard as you can to accommodate DSS's feelings about sharing (even if ultimately you can't give him the solution he's prefer.)

Room dividers, curtains, lockable bedside cabinets/storage etc.

Sethspeaks · 22/03/2015 09:57

Good post nosquirrels, in total agreement.

Mumteadumpty · 25/03/2015 23:46

Strongly agree with No Squirrels...

VenusRising · 26/03/2015 00:24

Can you put in a folding or temporary partition for your DTS and DSS's room?
That way it would be a big room for your DTS three nights a week and a smaller, divided room for the other four nights when DS's lives there?

Would this be a win win?

VenusRising · 26/03/2015 00:25

Oh Xposts squirrels, we have had the same idea!

butterfly2015 · 26/03/2015 00:40

My dsd is 11 and shares with my 9 year old dd when she's here, my 16 year old has her own room. Oh and I sleep downstairs. When we moved in here (me and 2 girls) we had the same problems but it was my older dsd (then 16) who wanted a room to hersel f with the other three sharing. We said no and dsd moved into her step mum's house with other dsd and slept on the sofa for three years. We offered her a bed here sharing a room with my oldest but it was refused. My oh s ex (youngest dsds mum) then got involved and said that oh was putting my kids before his...It's a tiny 2 bed house and putting a teen in with a 6 year old and another teen in with an 8 year old did not make any sense whatso'ver. We stuck to our guns and although we've had a few issues with the ex saying it's dsds bedroom not my dds bedroom we seem to have reached calm.

Ex didn't provide a bed for her dsd or a bedroom which I thought was ironic given the demands she made to us.

Kids should share based on age and gender. It's not appropriate to have the girl sharing with any of the boys and the ex needs to butt out. I presume all the kids are happy with how things are.