struggling!

[lmb21010]

My step son is 11 yo and I just don't like him! Ok that sounds bad.
He stays over night with us alternative weekends, then one weekend a month we have him 8-7 and the other weekend my hubby just takes him to football then home. the thing is, we live in a small 2 bed flat and he won't share a room with my daughter (6yo) so he goes to bed in our bed then gets transferred to sofa when we go to bed. Housing won't move us as he isn't with us enough.
Also his attitude stinks. I try not to get involved but whenever I do he won't listen. He shouts at me or just cries.
He ignores my daughter 75% of the time or is nasty to her.
I'm now 20w pregnant with my 2nd and I just can't take the stress anymore. I've spoken to hubby who generally agrees with me but is worried about getting limited access or being taken to csa (we currently have an arrangement privately with the mum and pay her weekly)
I just don't know what to do. Just needing to rant really

Not as far as I can see, Flossy!

There are posters who always slag off the DSM on these threads.

Mmm, I've just been lurking on this thread but I know that at least a couple of posters who have been accused of being 'bitchy' to the OP actually have successful blended families and good relationships with their DSCs. Contrast with some posters who always defend the indefensible and validate mistreatment of children, who regularly post on this board about their own situations involving shit loads of conflict and animosity. I know who's advice I'd rather take.

Actually need I wasn't having a dig at you. Your posts are usually pretty fair.

There are also some photos with odd things

basgetti Do you mean me? From this thread there have been very few others who have offered support to OP.

Why would she not want to take advice from someone who understands how hard it can be as a Step parent, who will have more insight into the problems than those that have easy relationships with their DSC?

Though my family unit is not full of conflict and animosity. So probably not me.

Why would she not want to take advice from someone who understands how hard it can be as a Step parent

I have been a step parent for 14 years and my god I have had some very difficult times however I worked really hard to see it from not just my point of view but that of my DSS's and always always did my best for them. I believe that my positive attitude towards them and the support of their father has helped greatly in forging a happy and functional blended family.

Calico I was referring to the ethos of this board in general. I guess whether the OP would want advice from posters who have good relationships with their DSC would depend on if she wants to improve the situation or just people to agree that she is right. With this OP I suspect the latter, therefore I can understand why she referred to posters who gave the child's perspective and offered practical advice as bitches.

I have no idea about your family unit, but since you asked if I meant you, yes, I thought your advice to stop overnights for this child, putting conditions on his relationship with his parent, to be appalling and emotionally abusive.

15 years here as a SM from tot through to adult and with a really rocky road along the way. I think there are lots of us here who have shed loads of experience which enables us to see the bigger picture. It's not that we haven't experienced some of the emotions, or understand the frustrations but we can see what worked, what didn't and how things panned out. It does seem sometimes that if we don't buy into some of the negativity about DSC or exes that we get accused of being anti-SM, but it really isn't the case. Ok, I speak for myself but my feel of the board is that there are others who feel like I do and at the end of the day want to help, and have children living more happily in both their families, and SMs being more at peace with what goes on in their lives too. Unfortunately that does sometimes mean that some of the more extreme posts and rants about DSC or exes need challenging. I don't see that as a bad thing.

Perhaps I should have said blame upthread instead of slagging off SM that would have been fairer.

I have just run through this thread.

Giving advice is a good thing. Lambasting the OP for not agreeing with you is another. Just look at how often some posters have posted - that is more than just giving advice. And prob explains why it was reported.

Nobody lambasted her for not agreeing. It was the refusal to see that maybe the adults could have done more in the last 5 years to improve the sleeping arrangements. Also that this may have an impact on his recent behaviour even though it seems pretty normal.

Moniker if you are meaning me just say me as the PA stuff gets on my tits.

It does seem sometimes that if we don't buy into some of the negativity about DSC or exes that we get accused of being anti-SM

I could not agree more Seth

These threads will always polarise opinion, but in this case, this particular comment caught my eye as being particularly unsupportive - irrespective of the subject matter;

There's nothing here that can't be sorted with a bit of thought and showing willing. You want to rant? There's nothing really here to be ranting about.

I don't think anyone on MN is qualified or authorised to tell an OP what they do, and do not, have justification to rant about.

Just because the circumstances the OP described are a non-event for some pepole doesn't mean the OP should expect to be dismissed.

Surely the ethos of MN is that if you can't offer the OP support because, for instance, you don't think there is an issue and the OP is "ranting about nothing", then you step away, and allow others to provide that support?

I think some of the responses to the OP were probably difficult to hear, but I don't think they were particularly harsh. I think those to Calico were more harsh because of the suggestion of stopping overnight contact.

She did say she didn't know what to do so was inviting people to comment. And just because you don't agree with the rant, or that a situation warrants a rant, it doesn't mean you can't offer support, suggestions and insights. What if, despite her calling us bitches, she goes away and actually takes on board privately what we have said and she and her dp make changes to make homelife a bit less stressful? What if they make the changes and make that boy's life a bit happier. That can only be a good thing - and if we all just sat on our hands instead of posting as we don't agree with the rant then nothing would ever change for her or her DSS.

Usually a lot of the nature and duration of a contact between a father and non-resident child is sorted out by the father. The kind of accommodation that's available, the money that the household has, domestic arrangements and any new children that are on the way are also areas where the father plays a significant role. Stepmothers tend to try and adapt as best they can. Sometimes fathers are away at work when stepchildren are around. Sometimes stepfathers struggle to put down appropriate boundaries with their children as they are keen to keep the contact pleasant and may not want to have difficult conversations about behaviour with an estranged partner.

Stepmothers usually try and make the best of this situation and to make as good a relationship as possible with their partner's child from an earlier relationship. Inevitably it's a delicate and frustrating business at times, and people want to let off steam.

(People let off steam about their husbands on Mumsnet. Also about their difficulties with their own children. Both seem to be acceptable. However, venting frustration about stepchildren on Mumsnet would appear to be a dangerous business - as stepmothers then tend to be called monstrous and there's a great deal of talk about the 'poor little stepchild.' It's as if all the complications of the breakdown of the earlier relationship, and the fact that children from that relationship will be faced with new circumstances instantly become the stepmother's fault. The father and the mother tend to get let off the hook)

I think it would be fair to assume that stepchildren, like most other children, sometimes don't behave very well. The fact that their parents don't live together any more and that there isn't a bedroom available for their exclusive use for overnight stays with their Dad will not be things of their choosing. But very few children can have lives that are exactly of their choosing. Learning to deal with the fact you can't have everything you want when you want it - and that other people's needs are part of the equation - is a part of growing up.

Good step-parenting like good parenting is about doing what you can to satisfy reasonable needs, about managing expectations and also about setting down boundaries.

However, venting frustration about stepchildren on Mumsnet would appear to be a dangerous business - as stepmothers then tend to be called monstrous and there's a great deal of talk about the 'poor little stepchild.'

I agree entirely Marianne. If I had posted that my DS was behaving so badly that I was going to tell him that if his attitude to me and the rest of the family did not change he would be staying with his father until it did. I would have been supported, change that to DSS and I am abusive.

I see nothing wrong with explaining to children, my own or step that there are rules and expectations of behaviour in our home. If they do not want to comply there will be consequences.

Actually Calico I for one would not support you.

I do not support anyone that speaks disgustingly of children doesn't matter if they are bio or step. The reason there is a great deal of talk about the"poor little stepchild" is simply because they are children and at the end of the day you expect the adult/parents to act like adults and not spoilt brats who feel it is ok so talk about children is such nasty ways.

I hate the way it is termed as ranting.....doesn't make it ok in my book. My own and my SDC can drive my last nerve but I would never resort to speaking about them in such a vile manner has I have heard on these boards. I have never called anyone a stepmonster and in fact the only time I ever hear it is from posters who say things like However, venting frustration about stepchildren on Mumsnet would appear to be a dangerous business - as stepmothers then tend to be called monstrous and there's a great deal of talk about the 'poor little stepchild.'

I don't think trying to understand a child's emotional needs is so very wacky is it? It is the key to many aspects of parenting. ALL parenting.

People let off steam about their husbands on Mumsnet. Also about their difficulties with their own children. Both seem to be acceptable. However, venting frustration about stepchildren on Mumsnet would appear to be a dangerous business

If a parent posted on the main boards that they didn't like that own child, that the DC's (fairly harmless) behaviour was unbearable/monstrous/dreadful, that they were sending the child to live elsewhere and that they had no interest in resolving or improving matters with the child and labelled it all a 'vent', I think they'd get pretty short shrift, in fact.

But you can't deny that the above is true- some posters would offer support to a mum but not a stepmum

The evidence of that is clear in the first reply on this thread - which set the tone of the thread IMO.

The first reply expressed sheer horror towards the OP that she dare even suggest that her stepson should share a room with his half sibling. That reply was, in part, based on the incorrect assumption that the OPs DD and her DSS were unrelated stepsiblings.

Surely a more supportive way of responding would be to clarify the relationships, and the timelines involved?

Sticking the boot in straight away and implying the OP is stupid for a) even suggesting the DCs share, and b) conceiving another child is not in the least supportive, constructive, insightful or providing any suggestions.

The first reply did not dictate my own. They never do. I always read the OP and base my reply on that. It is rude of you to imply that posters are unable to form their own opinions and behave like sheep.

It's not acceptable to slag your step kids off or call them names because there is not the underlying, unconditional, secure love that is the predominant emotion ensuring attachment to them. I'm surprised at how often I have to explain that, it seems so obvious to me.

Not only that it's quite possible to tell the difference between a step parent pushed beyond endurance by a difficult family situation and one who is being a petulant prince/princess. That is why I am not on every moany thread on here shouting the odds. Occasionally though, one comes along and there's a nasty and/or spiteful tone to it that is very apparent and that's when people remonstrate with the OP. They're really quite obvious believe it or not.

It is rude of you to imply that posters are unable to form their own opinions and behave like sheep

Which bit of my post implied that, flossy? Setting the tone is not the same as influencing responses

Whatever your response and opinion, it is a fact that some posters on this thread, including the very first reply, did judge the OP based on incorrect assumptions and replied to her in an unsupportive way that was definitely not in the spirit or ethos of MN.

I'm sure it happens all over MN, but generally, it is less common on other support boards than it is on this one.