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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holidays

34 replies

Themrmen · 24/02/2015 14:02

I know this has probably been coveted before but would like advice on a source of arguments.

Me and my dp have a ds (1), and I have dsd and dss, times it's been rocky but seem to be getting on an even keel again.

The problem is we are quite short on money at the moment due to many things, but in june I will be receiving a small bonus from work and wanted to take ds on holiday for the first time, unfortunately I can only afford to take ds, dp and mysf as adding in two extra people pushes the price up massively and also we would have to go in holiday time.my dsd and dss have just got back from a week away and went away last year abroad also with their mum, we haven't been away for years. Also if I am brutally honest I would think it would be easier just thd three of us as there is such a big age gap in the kids and my dss can be hard work.

Am I being unreasonable in suggesting it just be us three or is his family and ex correct in that i am being a massive bitch.

What have others done in these suitations?

OP posts:
TywysogesGymraeg · 24/02/2015 14:07

Can you find a holiday where the number of people going doesn't really affect the cost very much - something self catering for example - camping, or a hire a cottage? If you want to go abroad, then drive - you pay per car, not per person.

If you find somewhere with a pool, the age gap won't matter at all!

Foxeym · 24/02/2015 14:17

We are going away next week for my DDs 16th birthday, so it will be me, DP, DD1, DD2 and our DS. SDC are not coming, my mum paid for us to go. As long as I've been with my DP we go together and SDCs mum takes them away and it has suited us all

goldenteapot · 24/02/2015 14:17

urgh, yuck. Can you go away with your mum and DS or something instead?!

goldenteapot · 24/02/2015 14:19

... or split the money and you use half of it as you want and your DH uses half as he wants? Two smaller hols?

needaholidaynow · 24/02/2015 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 24/02/2015 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Themrmen · 24/02/2015 14:31

The amount I'll receive wouldn't really be enough to split to pay for two holidays and I would also like to go with dp as well as is likely to be our only chance of a holiday for a long time. Would ideally like to go abroad and the cost does increase particularly as we would have to go in school holidays

OP posts:
PeruvianFoodLover · 24/02/2015 14:32

Would your DPs ex and his family have an issue if you didn't have a DS, and so were going to use your windfall on a holiday for just the two of you?

Are couple-holidays ok, or do DSC have to be included in those, too? My ex and his DW often go away without DD, as do DH and I; is that wrong?

I don't get the issue, tbh - Is it the fact that you have a DC resident with you? Or, If he was single, would he decline a weekend away with friends unless his DCs could come?

And why only holidays? What about days out? Household treats? Icecreams on a sunny afternoon? What aspects of life should be put on hold while non-resident DCs are, well, non-resident?

Original poster
Themrmen · 24/02/2015 14:38

I wouldn't really want to split the money as would like to go away with DP as likely to be our only chance of a holiday for a long time.

DPs family and ex are furious that I have even suggested that we go away without dsc, they think that it is unfair and shows favouritism to my ds, and how i'm trying to push the dsc out. To be honest me and dps family have not gotten along that well, we had massive issues with drop offs and pick ups, which is on here but may be under my old user name, flowerpotgirl12. They seem to take great delight in interfering.

Rightly or wrongly I feel quite resentful of the fact that the dsc have been away every year to somewhere hot and sunny, this year and last with their mum, a couple of years before with us and I am being painted as a massive bitch for wanting to take ds away, if we could afford to take everyone then we would, but in reality it just becomes so much more expensive.

OP posts:
Zamboni · 24/02/2015 14:39

OP we do this. I think you will get a lot of responses along the lines of goldenteapot's response, where the posters' view is that DSC are part of the family and should be included or DP shouldn't come too, as it is divisive and unfair.

I think a lot depends on each family's circumstances and what is right for one blended family is not necessarily right for another, and within one family, things may need to evolve over time. Would DSC want to come? Would they be "allowed"? Who is funding the holiday - is it one they would have had if their parents were still together? What else do DSC get in the way of holiday, etc.

DH, DC and I go on holidays all together. We have never taken DSD. This has evolved to be this way for a number of reasons. DH initially wasn't "allowed" to take DSD away on holiday. So we started going alone. Nowadays, the holidays are usually funded, at least in part, by my family as a gift to me. They tend to be holidays DH and his exP would not have chosen/could not have paid for if still together. DSD goes on holidays with her mum. DSD also doesn't want to come with us as things stand - she likes to spend time with us but a week or longer would be too much for her. If she was to be included, I wouldn't be able to afford what we typically do. No one has an issue with this - it works for our situation. If they did then, being brutally honest, I don't think I would change the plans. If DSD wants to come in the future then I can visualise possibly doing one week which includes her and one week which doesn't.

If I were you OP, then I would go as you have planned.

MythicalKings · 24/02/2015 14:40

His ex is being and his family are being horrible and unreasonable..

DSCs have had a holiday and your DC deserves one as well. It's your money not your DPs and you can spend it how you like without interference from DP's family or his ex.

None of their business. If it was his money that would be entirely different but it isn't, it's yours.

LuckySaint · 24/02/2015 14:40

Have a nice holiday, just the 3 of you. Ignore what the ex says.

Original poster
Themrmen · 24/02/2015 14:46

A holiday with just me and dp would be fine it is the arrival of DS that caused a lot of issues. The ex would make remarks if we went away as a couple but all hell breaks lose if we try and do it with just ds.

We regularly get texts from the ex and she had now taken to referring to the dc as my dps original children, the whole thing is tiresome and stressful and ultimately it's my ds that constantly loses out. If I put anything on fb regarding my ds, they are first to comment, either how it's a shame the dsc couldn't be there to enjoy it or saying how much ds looks like the dcs, and what the dcs were doing at that age, he can never just be ds having a nice time. it was recently (ish) my ds birthday, only 2 of his family turned up to the local meal we were having to celebrate, my dss birthday was not long after and they all travelled the 3 hour trip to see and celebrate with him. It's quite strange in making sure that my dsc aren't affected by the new arrival they are completely alienating my ds from that side of the family.

Sorry for the massive off topic rant.

OP posts:
jigglywiggly · 24/02/2015 14:46

Just go, we did last year. It's your money, spend it how you like. Enjoy!

Zamboni · 24/02/2015 14:47

What does your DP think?

Original poster
Themrmen · 24/02/2015 14:50

Dp was ok with it until it all kicked off with his family and ex and then he started to doubt whether we should go

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 24/02/2015 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovenannyplum · 24/02/2015 14:52

I'm hoping that DP, Baby DS and I can go away this year.
My DSC won't be coming, they would have been away with their mum anyway, I don't feel guilty and I don't feel that my DS should miss out because we can't afford for us all to go, especially as they would have been away on holiday anyway.
awaits flaming!

goldenteapot · 24/02/2015 14:54

I think if you have a small baby and will be able to go during term time, then you should definitely do it. The others don't even need to know and I'm sure won't care - you can bring them back a present and job done, surely?

PeruvianFoodLover · 24/02/2015 14:55

Is it possible to just stop sharing information in advance with the ex/your DPs family so they can't comment?

Original poster
Themrmen · 24/02/2015 14:56

Needaholiday. Yup I've got the sil from hell Confused

I do tend to distance myself and ds from her as I don't think it's good for him

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 24/02/2015 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quitelikely · 24/02/2015 15:06

This is crazy. You should have said your parents were paying for it.

Go on holiday.

Come off Facebook. Go as low contact as possible with his family.

And the stress will reduce massively.

Original poster
Themrmen · 24/02/2015 15:11

Haha, red faced fury is about right!

I'll speak to dp tonight as ultimately he has to agree, he was fine until sil put doubt in his head.

I do feel better was expecting a load of replies saying how awful I was for even considering it.

OP posts:
TheMumsRush · 24/02/2015 15:28

Go and enjoy OP, it's your money so it's your say. And if I were you i'd restrict his family on FB!