Dsd doesn't want me around

[Lackingknowledge]

I need some advice from wiser, more experienced stepmum's than me please. Sorry its long, I want to paint a full picture and don't want to miss any key information out.

We have Dsd's 12 and 9 for 24 hours every weekend for years (this arrangement is not changeable), life has been good. Together DH and I have a 4 year old DS. I naively thought we had dodged lots of the normal step family issues, they were really excited about his arrival, we've had great holidays, days out, time together. I thought we were doing okay and thought I had a good close relationship with them.

Last week the eldest DSD rang DH out of the blue and said could Lacking go out more with DS, I prefer it when its just the 3 of us. Ouch. We do give them lots of time alone with DH, a period of time every weekend and I often take DS to parties, to see his friends for the afternoon etc. I guess DS is a normal 4 year old who can be a bit annoying sometimes but we certainly curb his enthusiasm to play with them and make it clear that he can't make them play with him all the time etc.

DH thinks the problem, on his admission, is that he is not engaging with her enough and he is going to address this going forward (and put the ipad down) and that I am perhaps being used as the excuse to raise this issue, at 12 she may just think if I wasn't there DH would give her more attention, but DH admits that probably wouldn't be the case, as its often me that says to him to put his work away and do things with them etc. DH also thinks a lot of it is normal due to her age, starting high school and normal sibling rivalry.

I am just so hurt, I thought we had a great relationship and I guess it hurts that she sees me as being in the way. Last weekend was just dreadful, she was very clingy to DH, which made my other DSD clingy and then DS was getting clingy too. I just felt really in the way and that I was imposing, I spent most of it 'being busy' in my bedroom out of the way to be honest and trying to keep DS entertained so that he wasn't in the way too, which I know was a silly thing to do and not sustainable, I just felt so uncomfortable.

How do we go forward with this? I offered to DH to go out with DS more, but he doesn't think that's the answer and that she has to accept this is our life and we all have a role to play (albeit with him paying them more attention, which he has spoken to her about). It will be so hard to carry on as normal, knowing that she thinks things would be better without us there, the last thing I want to do is upset her and be in the way.

I know as an adult I need to put this to one side and be the grown up, but even grown ups feel hurt sometimes. I would never act in a way that would upset her but I don't know how to make myself feel better on the inside, I don't want to pretend that everything is okay and not feel it internally as well, as I am sure that's how resentment starts. Rationally I can see why this has arisen and we are addressing it, of course her happiness is most important in all of this and we will do our best to make sure she feels secure and loved and has stability, but I just keep going back to her thinking if I wasn't there then everything would be better.

Sorry I know this is sounds very me me me and I need to just get over it, but I don't really know how to and I am dreading this weekend , plus I feel such a failure that despite everything, we still have an unhappy young girl.

You say contact can't be changed, do you mean at all, or just reduced?
If dh could take them out for tea midweek or similar that may help?

I totally understand why you're hurt, but I think you have a good balance of time together and time just with dad, the reality of it is though that it's your house too and you can't be expected to ship out for 24hours every week.

I think your dh sounds like he's handling it well though, exploring why she may be feeling this way and recognising that his lack of input could well be a huge factor.

Hmm, it sounds as though your DH needs to give them some proper love and attention - 24 hours in a week is NOT the time to be catching up with work or buggering about with his ipad.

Trips out - cinema, bowling, sports, coffee shops, shopping - they would be really lovely and I'm sure will make his DDs feel settled. Does he do that?

He sounds as though he has one eye on his ipad and isn't really connecting with them.

I think she just wants some time with her Dad. And there is nothing wrong with that. Couldn't he take her out for a regular breakfast / lunch date etc? If she gets an hour or so she might be more fun at home with all of you.

She is 12 and in future her own social life will mean you will hardly see her. Don't take it personally - she just wants time with her dad.

Thank you, yes dh knows he has work to do and been a bit crap lately. I really respect how he is addressing it now though, it has been a wake up call for him.

We don't have much spare money for treats like the cinema unless it's for a special occasion, but its a good idea for him to take them for a coke or something, rather than it always being me taking ds out of the house. That would be better quality time together.

We have never done midweek due to distance and working hours, but actually now they're a bit older it could be doable for dh to take them out for tea near their house.

Thank you for the suggestions and for letting me its not personal.

What kind of things do your DSD's like doing? For example, do they like cooking - could they and DH go and make the tea together; do they like music - DH and they could sit and find bands on Spotify.

I think it's more about them doing 'stuff' rather than you hiding in your room, and yes, DH taking them out for a coke or whatever is a good idea too.

Our local cinema has a kid-only session every day (I think all Odeons do) and it's only a pound each.

Likewise bowling is about 3 pounds each.

All cheap treats that might be worth knowing about. :)

It doesn't even have to be something that costs really - the issue is she wants to see dad more (not necessarily you less). My DS only ever seems to really engage with me in the car.

Maybe they could do the shopping together or run errands together - or like someone suggests cook the evening meal together - from meal planning to ingredient shopping.

It sounds like your DH is having some good ideas and is emotionally mature about it. Mine also sometimes gets stuck on his laptop when DSCs are with us and I tell him to put it away/do something with them, it's annoying. It will be ok. I have to say I have two teen DSDs and the oldest when bonkers when she hit teens, all sorts of emotional stuff started pouring out and she was more like a toddler, even quite dangerous at times. It is a difficult patch. My DH does all the things (cinema/cafe/staying up to watch a movie at home while I go to bed) that people suggest and sometimes we still get tears from DSDs -- I think some of it is just natural pain of a split household. He should be honest with her saying he loves her and needs to focus on her more, but that the answer isn't you necessarily go out. Good luck.

*went bonkers

I'm not a step-parent but I am a DSD. I know I can't speak for your DSD, but if I had said this to my Dad at 12 it absolutely wouldn't have been personal towards you, it would just have been that I wanted my Dad to offer me a bit more attention (I know the difference is subtle and I can understand why you feel as you do, but the difference is there!). I can remember having a weekday tea at my Dad's just us after my parents' divorce before he moved in with my stepmum, and that was really quality time - if your DH can put that into place then I think that would be really great as as another poster said, she's 12, there will come a time soon when she prefers her friends to her parents and I think the more time you put in now the better.

Thanks we have lots of ideas now about the quality time bit, without me having to keep disappearing.

redredholly Thanks for your personal experience of it, it helps to know it's not me, just teens and the situation.

I do hope the next few years aren't going to be too tricky, I guess consistency is the key, with lots of time and love.

Time for me to develop a thicker skin!

likesilver thanks for your view on it as a dsd, it helps to see it from the other side. Definitely going to put in place him taking them out for tea during the week, unfortunately it won't be possible every week due in work, but he can make it a regular thing.

Yes- it's not personal. I was also a DSD and I never really had any animosity towards my stepmum, only ever towards my actual dad if I didn't think he loved me enough/spent enough time with me. I really hate it when my DH is stuck to laptop/phone at the best of times but he seems to up it when his older children are with us. I think also the dads are not as confident in their ability to relate to non-resident teen or pre-teen daughters as you might hope or expect. I haven't got a good solution. We've found it's ok to let the kids voice upsetness/things like your DSD has and in fact it's good. Healthy for them not to bottle it up.

Yes we're pleased she felt able to say something and hopefully from how dh reacted she won't have any concerns about raising anything in the future.

Must keep remembering that nothing is personal, feel so much better about it all now, thank you. I'm not dreading the weekend quite as much now.

Good luck! It's never easy at the best of times. I think look at this as a gentle prompt to spend Saturday night in the bath with a nice glass of red while DH watches Dr Who with the DSDs, them all having had a bonding experience cooking you a Mexican supper beforehand ;-)

Sounds like a great plan!

I think all the other posters have had really good ideas. I agree that he should do more with them and taking them out sounds good. If she wants more one on one time with him she should get it.

I would suggest being careful about you having to go out so they can be alone in the house though. This could escalate to becoming a norm, and indicates that your DSD can dictate when you are in your own home.

To that I would say I will go out if I have plans, otherwise feel free for the three of you to go out.

Sorry to disagree with the majority but...
I am a step-grandchild x 2, a step-child x 2 and a step mother.
At 12 if I had said that I damn well know it would have been to hurt and divide!
She has had no problem with you or DS and has as you say hours of time with her father regardless of what he is doing.
The fact is she hasn't said she wants him to spend more time, she has said she doesn't want you or DS there.
You don't need to be expelled from your home or DS from his for her to spend quality time with her father.
I do think that maybe she is coming to a time when you and DS may become the enemy.
You and DH need to talk!

I have a 12 year old and a 4 year old. Both mine and dh's. My 12 year old loves when DS is out for the afternoon!! Loves it. That is perfectly normal. Mine do get on sometimes but recently not so much as she (12 yo) considers herself a bit too grown up and prefers the company of adults. As they are both ours we do not have the option of separating the family: DD has to put up and shut up. This is really not necessarily a step issue so don't give it special treatment: they are part of your and your DS's family - they don't get to choose to exclude part of their family at any time.

oh and my DD would chose me over Dh but Ds would chose Dh over me so I get those hurt feelings too (except of course Ds doesn't have another mother hovering in the background). DD, at 12, can be spectacularily hurtful too - I am hoping this is just hormones/teen stuff as she was such a sweet girl. Maybe it's the same for your DSD?
FWIW I have a DSD who would never have chosen to spend anytime with me despite my best efforts so you're obviously doing a great job - pre-teens notwithstanding.

Thanks for the experiences and opinions, i really am taking it all onboard and thinking of not much else at the moment to be honest.

Boule I think you're right and it is becoming more apparent the age gap now, time to start doing things differently.

I think she's at a difficult age. That, combined with the fact that her original family is no longer intact and will never be again. Perhaps this was easier for her to accept at a yonnger age.

Speaking as a step daughter, I do think that it would do the girls some good if you and ds go out sometimes. The 3 of them remaining is the closest it ever gets to being her original family and no matter how harmonious things are and how pleased they were when ds came along, the bottom line is that's their only kind of re-creation of the past. Again, I wouldn't take that personally. It's not you/ds, it's how things were before you came along and perhaps she just needs to feel a bit of security through it.

I'm not suggesting that you go out often but next contact, I'd go out for most of the day. This signifies to her that her request had been not only heard but also actioned. If you deny her request, then she will draw her own conclusions as to why. She may think from her father's reaction that it will be happening and then to find that it isn't - well she may hold you responsible for influencing him (not suggesting this is the case btw).

I'd tread carefully. Teenagers are difficult at the best of times. They are not emotionally mature or known for considering the feelings of others (ie yours). I'd capitulate this time and keep an eye on things. She could be/become manipulative but until you see this for sure, you need to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her know you've listened to her.

Every weekend is surely more than enough time to do stuff with dad??

My DSD is a real daddies girl but sadly she's her dad much less than your DSD. (DSD's mums dictat)

However my DSD would never phone to say, she wanted me and DD out of the way.

I think maybe your DSD is doing a bit of power play here especially seeing the amount of time she has with him.

Yes your DH needs to pay a bit more attention but DSD should never be put in position of power over what you do. A balance I know.

My DH takes DSD out to martial arts, just them alone.

Instead of DSD demanding you go out how about you organise and activity that your DSD and DH can do outside the home.

You want more time with dad, Fine there's the door...

Bit like marking territory

Yeah - I don't agree with Green curtain. You really shouldn't have to go out all day with a 4 year old so she can recreate her old family!