Devastated and frightened please hold my hand

[Bryony35]

Longish term partner and I split - his DB was dying and v stressful....my DM was ill and needed support. we cleared our issues and got back together. We're strong. We've been through a shitload.

During the one year split he slept with 1 person. It was a one night stand with a relative unknown. We got back together 3 months later. A month later his friend contacts him to say this relative unknown has talked to a friend of his saying she's pregnant but doesn't know who the father is. My DP is a candidate. There are 4 other guys in the frame. She then contacts him via facebook...messages saying "I know it's yours" .... "I want it to be yours". ERRR... She doesn't know him from Adam! He explained that he has heard that paternity may be an issue and will cooperate but will need to have a DNA test done.

She seems unstable.

The baby has been born. I'm devastated this is happening. DP has asked for a legal DNA test. She is prevaricating and trying to say that they don't need one as baby looks like him. He stands firm that one is needed

I'm scared.

He made a massive mistake not using contraception. We've both been tested right at the start so all ok.

I'm just so scared....what if it's his....I read all these step children stories and they sound so so difficult.

I waited for him. We went through so much. I don't know whether I can withstand looking at him hold another woman's baby.

Please help me. I just can't face this pain

Try not to panic, it's far from certain whether the child is his at this point, and you can cross that bridge when you come to it. If she was sure the baby was his, she wouldn't hesitate for a second to get the DNA test done. You could order a DNA test kit from the internet, and get a swab from the baby's cheek when he next sees the baby, then you post it to the lab and get your result. Might be worth doing if she's delaying the legal test for as long as she can.

Procast - you make a good point at the start, but OP I would point out I was always under the impression that it is illegal to do a DNA test without the knowledge or consent of the mother.

You need a legal, clear and above board test. I would not think any further past that at this point. If he were to make clear, that until paternity is proven, no support financial or otherwise will be forthcoming. This should make her pull her finger out. He should offer to pay for it, as that maybe another reason she is messing about, if she doesnt have the funds to pay for one.

I would tell him to visit the CMS website - calculate what the bare minimum of his maintenance could be, and start putting that aside now, so A - he is in a position to support his child, and B - if shes already called them, it will be calculated from the date she makes the call, and stress will arrears will not help. If it turns out not to be his, then you have funds to spend on something else.

Not all step parenting is bad, you get some golden moments. Its a different thing to have your own - what you have to understand when people post here, is that the majority of the time, they've hit a problem, and are looking for advice from people in the same situation. So you are seeing the bad, with little of the good, doesnt mean it is like that in real life. I say this as someone who had some real bad experiences as a SM.

Work out how you feel about DP. Do you love him enough to stick with him. I think you need more facts before you make a decision? Has he met this baby yet? Talk it over with him, find out what he wants to do about it, how he feels about you, and what he wants. Go from there.

It is stressful, hard work, frustrating. But carries a lot of good with it to. Find out first, stress out second. But try and make practical preparations if you can.

If you need someone to talk to, you can PM me if you like.

All the best OP

Thank you for all of your replies.

If I split with him because of this....my heart will break. It just won't heal again. I know that.

But at the same time... Looking into the future....seeing him become a father to an ONS' child..... The pain....it's visceral.

I think the child is his. I just have a feeling.

The test will still need to be done, I know.

It's not a death. So what's the problem? Death of a dream that we would share the moment of his first child together. So sacred. Shattered.

I can see his pain. He feels torn. Potentially his biological child...but he wonders will it destroy me...us. What is for the best? Involvement at the expense of our relationship? He will pay maintenance whatever.

I am torn, I want his life to be harmonious. He would be a beautiful father. But I don't know if I could deal with this. But I couldn't forgive myself otherwise. But I don't want any part of this.

Help me. Please. How do I deal with this.

Gosh Bryony, horrible situation for you. I don't know. Many many people have great solid relationships with stepchildren, with no pangs of anything at all, and indeed have a joyful and positive life. People can even be with a partner with a baby with someone else, and have a joyful, positive life. The thing is that this is quite destabilising in style of a wrecking ball. Only you know how badly it would hurt you to see this and deal with it, and deal with the contact etc and the first baby dream gone. But, remember your relationship is with him, and if you really want to be with him then this can't change that. he is still who he is, and you can still be who you are and your relationship can continue, this is another thing you've been through,but you'd get through it. For me, I'd get through it, with pain, with anger and sadness at him, with strict boundaries with the ow, if I really felt deep down I could or if I really really loved this man like no other ever imaginable despite all of this. If any of that's in doubt, I'd cut my losses and use this as my 'out'. But I think you'd be strong enough to handle it. It depends on how he handles her demands/ the situation which may have a serious impact on your ability to handle it.

This happened to someone I know. He was told all through pregnancy he was the father after ons - DNA test showed otherwise. If she is being cagey about the DNA test I would suspect she has some doubts herself...

I am 35. I nay not get another chance to find love and have a family.

Does this change your love for him and wishes for a family with him? (if he is the father)

No. But I get tired just thinking about it. The extra commitment. The heartbreak. But it doesn't change the love. I think it could strengthen the love if we approach it together and positively. Bug am I being crazy to think that? A fucking martyr like some seem to say?

and 35 is not too old! please don't think that! Unbearable to settle for something that's irreparable, have children yourself and hope to heal it - it won't heal it it may raise many difficult issues.
However if it's him you are sure about, then this is some baggage ,yes, but you'll get through it as long as he is always respectful of you and careful in terms of behaviour with OW for instance who sounds bit predatory.. and respectful of your feelings and involves you from the outset in the child's life, depending on what level of contact he has. Then it's not a deal breaker if you are sure you love him totally and this doesn't change that

Not sure. Maybe bit martyr-y. Painful to imagine what would happen if you left?

vs

if it doesn't change how sure you are about him then no, you're not irrational. He's your partner and this is a situation that you'll deal with, but it is going to have to be manageable.

Thank you

Life is a fucker

quite! sorry not being v helpful. my ex had a baby with his ex I didn't know about til baby was born. Horrors. but that's not why we split up (we had 2 children together, but he was an epic twat and I was sorely mistaken and blinded in tolerating him at the outset)

However the baby wasn't the issue. Weirdly, as I thought it would be. The texts were more of an issue, and the fact I ended up paying her maintenance because he wouldn't. But, not the baby that was the issue.

I wouldn't do the same again though, totally draining to think about. But this is a peripheral issue and is not cetral to your relationship even if it seems it. It would be hurtful, but it would depend on how he treats you and includes you etc in everything. If he's going to go off with OW frequently and not invite you to come too to see baby, for example, that would be really damaging. A baby isn't damaging, peoples reactions and behaviours are. If you have any doubts over this, I'd vote with feet.. but really, this is about you and him and how you will deal with it together.

Ha! Colourful story, thank you. Yes, I agree. I think he will be a prince re including me...maybe not the first visit... I don't want to distract from his experience of that... But he has said that any subsequent he wants to share with me....so I know that won't be a problem. And he's setting clear boundaries with this woman so I'm not concerned at that.....also sorry to be mean but he must have been v drunk if you know what I mean (there is a god!)

Thank you dear mumsnetters. Everyone is so kind to share their thoughts and advice. Thank you all

See, Id think it would be good to be there, because if you marry/etc/ have children you'll be the baby's stepmum,and if they have no 'thing' then it shouldn't matter. But only if no animosity on any front.

Whatever you decide, good luck! and remember, don't stick around if you have doubts, only if you're sure you can get through it together, if it is his, and won't be distraught most of the time. I really do empathise and it really is crap, but the bigger picture is you + him, so I wouldn't immediately vote for leave the bastrad

all the best

DS1 looked like Neil Kinnock when he was born. Didn't mean Neil Kinnock was his father though!

He must insist on the DNA test.

Once you know the truth of the matter you can then decide how to handle it.

Good luck

Oh sweetheart

I can't offer any more advice than has been offered ^.

I can understand and empathise with what you're going through. There was a time when we wondered whether DH could have fathered a child with his exGF (won't bore you with the details but he was very young and she finished with him very unexpectedly). The pain is - well - pretty devastating.

You need to take one step at a time - get the test done ASAP and, when you have he result, you can decide where to go from there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - there is no easy answer

Sending huge hugs bryony this must be awful!! I think anyone would feel the same if they were in your position

I agree with the others about its really academic until you know for sure. the CMS and the courts can demand a dna test and in the situation you have described they may well insist on 50/50 payment.

either way your dp needs to stand firm that she gets no money or support or contact until the dna test results are confirmed. getting involved before then can set a dangerous precedent for future supply

as for how you feel and how do you go on...as awful as it sounds you need to make a choice. do you love him enough to forgive and support him if it's his kid? if yes then stay and start building a slightly different life and if not start looking to move on.

good luck sweetie and being a step parent isn't all bad!!

If she was sure the baby was his, she wouldn't hesitate for a second to get the DNA test done

Having had my now ex husband demand a DNA test on one of our children, I can say with some certainty that being sure of who the father can indeed make you hesitate for way more than a second in deciding whether or not to go ahead. It is deeply insulting and was, frankly, the most distressing experience of my life. Had I not needed maintenance in the early days of our separation, I wouldn't have agreed and I can assure you there is no doubt whatsoever as to the paternity of all our children.

You could order a DNA test kit from the internet, and get a swab from the baby's cheek when he next sees the baby, then you post it to the lab and get your result

This is poor advice. Both the courts and the CSA will need a court-approved test. Cheap internet tests do not meet their criteria. They need a result which is 99.9%, not the 75% you get with the cheaper tests which analyse less strands of DNA so you don't get the same level of certainty. They are often referred to as 'peace of mind' tests but I'm not sure how it helps to know there's a 75% chance you're the father.

OP - this is one where your partner will need to hang tight. If she wants money, make her go through the CSA (refuse to pay anything unless they are involved). Upon FIRST contact with the CSA, he needs to say he's not sure he's the father and ask for a test. Their testing is by Cellmark (google them) and their costs are about half what they would be if you go to Cellmark directly. A few years ago, the option was to pay a little more to have the cost added to maintenance if proved the father so if money is an issue, there is no up-front cost necessarily (or he can pay up front). He will need to sign paperwork and return it quickly to say he agrees to the test - she will have to do the same. If she doesn't return it, it will be assumed he isn't the father, although she could repeat this process several times. If he doesn't return it, he will be assumed to be the father and will be legally liable to pay maintenance - this is why it's so important that he follows their procedures. If he misses his opportunities with the CSA, his only other option will be the courts and there is no guarentee they will order a test (as my ex found out - he took it that far and the judge told him to grow up and face his responsibilities!).

It will be a stressful experience for you both - but it is worth doing because he will then have the legal paperwork he needs to pursue contact with the baby/child through the courts if he wishes and mum is difficult (this is always possible).

Finally, do consider 'what type of man' doesn't support his child or doesn't want to know his child or who turns his back on his child. It may well be difficult for you right now but how he reacts and deals with this speaks volumes about the kind of man he is. If he's ready and willing to step up to the mark, as hard as that may be for you, it's a positive thing and probably the kind of man you want to be having children with yourself.

Hope it all works out for you. Very difficult.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this

I agree you need to stress to her that no support or involvement will be given until a legal DNA test is done and that he will pay for it. I agree that if she really knew that baby is his then she would be eager to have the DNA test done and tbh I think she would have been quicker to tell him too.
It sounds like your DP is probably the most favourable father so she's trying to convince herself and everybody else that it is his, when in actual fact she's probably just worried that it might be one of the others who, maybe won't provide for her baby.
I'm just speculating but clearly there are reasons why she's reluctant to do a DNA test.

If the results prove that your DP is the baby's father, I wouldn't make any rash decisions.
I would recommend a lot of talking, maybe go to relationship counselling to help you talk through your feelings.
I know you feel that your dreams of giving him his first baby would be shattered, but really, in the grand scheme of things, that isn't such a big problem. The main thing is that you love each other, you have each other and when the time is right you will have a child together of your own who you will love together.
I totally understand it would be heart breaking to see him holding another woman's baby, but I do really think that over the weeks/months/years that pain will subside and eventually you will see it as your DP's baby, not 'hers' and you might even grow to love them too.

She meant nothing to him, you are the one he loves and wants to be with.

I think a lot of problems step families come up against is surrounding the past relationship between Mum and Dad and the child's problems with adjusting to their new family set up.
I think in your situation it's likely that you wouldn't come up against a lot of the common problems, I'm not saying there won't be any, but the child will just grow up knowing the situation to be normal.

I split up with my DS's sperm donor father when I was pregnant, he then met somebody else a few months later. Things were difficult in the early days but that was mainly because I didn't find out about his girlfriend until DS was 6 weeks old, I was distraught that my dreams of us being a 'normal' family were shattered. I was awkward and quite demanding from him, he was a prick, his girlfriend was a skank and I didn't want her involved with my child.

Again, you're less likely to have problems like that because everybody knows the situation from the start.

As far as my DS is concerned, he is totally fine and I'd say he's much more 'balanced' in comparison to my DSC.
He has never known his Mum and Dad together, he has never had to deal with a break up and all the emotions that that brings.
He doesn't long for his parents to get back together, he doesn't resent his Dad's girlfriend. It is what it is and he's happy with it.

The relationship between me and his Dad is WAAAAYYYYYY better than the one between DH and his ex, because I have no expectations or demands from him.

I hope and pray for your sake that the baby isn't his, but if it is, please don't let the stories on here put you off too much.

I'm not a fan of bandaid babies, but if it his baby, would having a baby together be an option? Might help heal the pain?