Devastated and frightened please hold my hand

[Bryony35]

Longish term partner and I split - his DB was dying and v stressful....my DM was ill and needed support. we cleared our issues and got back together. We're strong. We've been through a shitload.

During the one year split he slept with 1 person. It was a one night stand with a relative unknown. We got back together 3 months later. A month later his friend contacts him to say this relative unknown has talked to a friend of his saying she's pregnant but doesn't know who the father is. My DP is a candidate. There are 4 other guys in the frame. She then contacts him via facebook...messages saying "I know it's yours" .... "I want it to be yours". ERRR... She doesn't know him from Adam! He explained that he has heard that paternity may be an issue and will cooperate but will need to have a DNA test done.

She seems unstable.

The baby has been born. I'm devastated this is happening. DP has asked for a legal DNA test. She is prevaricating and trying to say that they don't need one as baby looks like him. He stands firm that one is needed

I'm scared.

He made a massive mistake not using contraception. We've both been tested right at the start so all ok.

I'm just so scared....what if it's his....I read all these step children stories and they sound so so difficult.

I waited for him. We went through so much. I don't know whether I can withstand looking at him hold another woman's baby.

Please help me. I just can't face this pain

Re August the mothers family have a summer house in Spain and they go there for the summer, coming back late August.

Bryony - I have just seen this thread for the first time and read your story. It is devastating news and I feel for you vey much. You are being extremely brave.

Someone I know (the mother of a DC at school with my DD) has a story that is a bit similar. 12 years down the line her DP and she are happily together with two lovely boys of their own (11 and 9) and she has a DSS who is 12 and spends lots of time with his father, stepmother and half-brothers. My advice to you would be to hurry up and have your own DC with your DP ASAP.

Bryony - similar has happened in my family, although slightly differently - different because my family member has adopted the child, and had 2 more with her DP. Different as well because the baby was conceived before my family member even met her partner. But - still a helluva shock when the mother turned up with the baby, claiming that it was the DP's!

However, it hasn't spoilt the relationship, and it didn't spoil my family member's joy when her own 2 DC were born.

Obviously everyone is different, but if you can let go of your idealised visions of "first baby" etc., then I think you may be able to work through this successfully with your DP. Good luck with it x

Bloody hell....it's a lovely day, I had a lie in and a delicious breakfast and I just feel more positive. do you know what i am coming to realise (in my stronger moments) is that this doesn't matter. I've always been one of those people that faces challenges really well. Why is this any different? I think I felt differently at the start because I think I felt a combination of jealousy, fear and anger. But really I have to now become a woman in the truest sense and put those feelings behind me. I think as long as we are respectful of each other as a couple and have clear boundaries, all will be fine. But I am sure I will back here to panic and moan!,

That's great, Bryony. Rooting for you.

Bryony I'm so sorry this situation didn't turn out the way you had hoped.
I think you are dealing with this so well, you sound like you've really got your head screwed on well.
I agree, I think your DP needs to do the first meet on his own, it's just the right thing to do.
I 100% think that this pain you're feeling now will ease with time, I think it would be naive to think it will totally go away, there'll maybe be a little part of you which will wonder 'what if...' From time to time, but I think you can learn to accept what has happened and live a happy life with your dp, your dsd and your future child(ren).
Just give it time.

You know those times when you bump in to an old friend and you go for a quick drink and then it ends up turning in to a brilliant night on the town? Those unplanned nights out are always the best!
I know this isn't what you had planned for your lives, but it doesn't mean it's ruined...it's just gone down a different path than you thought it would.
But you might just find it to be a wonderful path filled with laughter and happiness.

Keep us posted xx

Hi Bryony, just wanted to say I had something similar - had started dating someone when he found out that a one night stand had had his baby. It definitely felt like I was living an episode of Jeremy Kyle for a bit, but him having no real history with the mum made things easier really - of course he saw her sometimes, but it was all about the child rather than them.

You need to make a decision now as to what you want, so you are prepared for when you hear the results. In my opinion, you have 3 options -

1. the baby is his, and you decide to stick by him for better or for worse. You need to understand that there will be long term implications on your relationship, and there will be hurdles you need to overcome. it wont be easy, but it will be rewarding, and you save the heartache now.
2. the baby is his, and you decide you cant deal with the emotional stress this brings. nobody will judge you in any decision you make, you need to make sure youre putting your long term mental and physical health first. It sounds cliche, but time is a great healer, and if its not meant to be then something better is round the corner. i promise.
3. the baby isnt his. I would suggest at this point you dont just leave the poor woman to it. she might be upset that she is in this situation not knowing who the father of her child is, and may require some patience and understanding, while she figures stuff out. Dont just leave her high and dry. If this is the case, work on building your relationship with your partner and getting to a space where this wont happen again

be strong :) xx

rowinner she now knows the baby is his and she's sticking by him x

This sounds very obvious and I'm sure someone has already said this, but don't worry! There's only a 1 in 5 chance he's the dad, so don't worry about it until the results come through.
If your partner is the dad, then don't worry. I think you'll be ok. Lots of the stories of awful relationships with step kids are because they don't have a good bond with them. IF the baby is your partner's, then you'll be part of it's life as it take's it's first steps, says it's first word, e.c.t.
I speak from experience. My parents split just after my first baby, as they'd both developed feelings for other people (it's complicated). However, my step dad and step mum were in my life from then in. Since they were what I was used to, it was easy to bond with them, to the point where I called them mum and dad, which I know is a bit weird, but they made me and my sisters feel so loved, that it was like we had 4 parents.

Crikey it's not exactly a long thread so why can't people read the whole thing before commenting?

Anyway, Bryony I have been lurking since your first post. While the result turned out to be the more complicated one, I think you are approaching it in the right way. And your dp is hopefully doing all the right things to make it as easy as possible for you both. It sounds like it anyway.

You will have good and bad days to start with of course. But in time, this will be just another part of your life.

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

@kinkytoes
Bit rude! Was it really appropriate. You didn't need to write that.

It's a sensitive subject. The least you could do is read the OP's updates before commenting.

Bryony I have followed your thread with interest. I was in the same position a while back.

Posted here too, asking for advice (different name at the time). I was very negative back then, angry, tearful and jealous. I was really grieving the fact that the family life I had envisaged was ruined (so I thought!). The day the DNA test came back was a real low point in my life. We both cried for a long time. Consensus was that I should probably leave DP, and fast forward 2 years, I still sometimes doubt the decision I made to stay. Like you, I was mid thirties and couldn't imagine life with anyone else and couldn't face starting again.

I thought the whole issue would get easier with time. The truth is it hasn't really, but I am able to deal with it mentally in a more manageable way.
What happened to us is that OW and baby moved abroad, making it difficult for contact to continue. DP hasn't seen his child for nearly a year now. They occasionally Facebook or Skype to keep in touch, but tbh there is no bond, they are more like strangers to whom we pay a lot of money every month. Hard not to resent at times. I ended up leaving Facebook, got so wound up by it all, watching their lifestyle. You adapt and make changes to make it work for you and your life.

Some posters above have suggested your DP needs to make moves before August.. I think that everyone's circumstances are so different, it's not possible to make these judgements.
I admire what you have said in your posts, you seem to have real strength and clarity. I hope it works out for you.

For what it's worth, DP and I are now expecting are own, much wanted little one. Unlike what some have said above, I don't think it's a quick fix to the fact that your partner has had a baby with someone else before you. That pain never goes away, it just becomes more manageable. Sitting in the scan knowing he'd been there before (albeit against his wish) with OW was tough. Likewise, I have similar feelings about the upcoming delivery.

When I'm having a tough day with it all, I just try to blank OW and all the issues I have with her out of my mind, and just focus on the step-daughter and her well-being. Remind myself that she's actually really cute and happy in the pics and appears to be well looked after and being raised in a happy family environment that her mother has created for her. We aren't really involved, but are helping financially and if SD is part of our lives one day we will welcome her. Not a day goes by when I don't think about her, one way or another. Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with tears, sometimes a big sigh.

Being a stepmother puts you on a spectrum with the extremes being either an amazing, selfless woman co-parenting a blended family under one roof to on the other hand being an angry, bitter woman totally losing the plot Jeremy Kyle style. I haven't achieved the former but try not to be the latter.

@kinkytoes
And how is you berating me for something so tiny that doesn't matter help the person who posted this. If the person who posted this had a problem with my comment, then I would apologise. However, I don't see why you need to make such a big deal out of such a tiny thing. Just drop it.

Keri - actually I think you need to drop it. You made a mistake, apologise and move on.

OP I wish you the best - it must be very difficult but I am glad you are being positive

It won't necessarily help the OP I never said it would. I didn't make a big deal of it just a passing comment. Matter dropped.

Apologies for the derail OP.

you're a very strong resilient woman,i couldn't do what you're doing.

I really feel for you OP. I would find this very, very hard to get past. Maybe impossible. You must love him an awful lot.

What I would say, though, is that if you are going to stay then you need to be on board with this baby. There's no point in staying and making him suffer for his mistake. He should not be spending a whole day crying. He should not be hiding photos from you. You should not be thinking about the OW as 'forcing him to look at photos' - she's just sending him pictures of his son. That's normal. I know it hurts LIKE HELL but this is his first child. You need to allow him to feel some of the happy, excited feelings too, because right now your pain is turning this into a hugely negative event and although it was a mistake and something that he regrets, the baby itself should be something special to him.

He had unprotected sex and he made this baby, so it doesn't matter how ugly or trampy or 'deranged' or whatever you think of the mother, they are co-parents. I know you feel like trashing her but that's not helpful for the future either.

I know that might sound a bit harsh but honestly if you feel it's too much then you need to go and deal with the pain, but don't stay and let your pain affect a little newborn baby who didn't do anything wrong. Your partner suffering now will affect his bond with the baby (as will him not meeting the baby till August - that's crazy).

meandmyduvet - whilst your situation is bad for you and not of your making.

YOu are not helping out financially - quite frankly your DP is paying for the up keep of his child. For which only he, not you are responsible for - he stuck his "bit" unprotected" somewhere or sadly contraception failed and that is the risk you take, when you have sex.

None of that is your fault but your partner did do it and is responsible for bringing up his child. Oh and even if the kid is abroad, he can have as much involvement as he wants to.

You can resent your DP and his stupidity, but not the child and not the monies he has to pay for his DC. Sounds like he can not be arsed to go and see his own child......

Quesera 21... I told my story so OP could maybe get a sense of the feelings that go through your head when you're in this position. I acknowledge they might seem harsh and prejudiced, but it's real life unfortunately.

As it happens, we pay maintenance as legally requested by the country they've moved to, which is based on household income, not just the fathers (as used to be in UK, but changed a few years ago), so I'm part of that. My income. I knew about this when I chose to stay with him, but unless you're a saint, it's hard not to feel a bit negative about that sometimes.

There are many reasons why DP hasn't seen his daughter lately, and 'him not being arsed..' is not one of them. If only it were that easily explained.

Bryony. I am glad you chose to stay. But, I really think you need to go with your P to see the baby, and should consider going to visit them at their holiday home (then go on for a holiday) Asap.

My DC dad (ex) was rubbish in the first year. He saw DD about once a month for an hour or two. Down the line, finally, he is a good dad, and DD adores him. From the photos we took on his visits though, DD will never have cause to suspect that Initially her dad couldn't be bothered. I think this is so so important. I think a child can never have too many people loving it.

It is not as if your P had a baby with an ex of multiple years, with a lot of shared history. He and the mum do not need to talk. Or at least, they have nothing to say to each other that you are not also part of, as his partner. I think you should meet his baby together, soon, as a unified front. The baby is not a dirty secret. Of course it is not ideal, but it is not the baby's fault. you and your P are together now, and you will hopefully have a family in the future. This child will always be part of that. You don't need to love them like your own child, but please try and love them as your child's sibling, and let your P build a good relationship with them. August is really not good enough.

I didn't make him cry. He spent a day teary because he felt sad because he realised the enormity of his actions I guess. He's not hiding photos from me. He's not hiding anything. I'm not guilt tripping him or making him feel sad. I've told him to embrace it. I feel sad and devastated but I'm doings y best to be positive for us. It's no dirty secret. He's not ashamed. But I entitled to feel sad and so is he. It's a tough situation.

I came on her to vent my pain because I don't like to show it to him. I don't want to turn it into a negative event for him. I know that.

Bryony, Im not going to be popular saying this but, you can still love your dp, and have nothing at all to do with this baby. He had a one night stand, he did not get a choice on whether this baby was born and nor did you. As long as he pays maintenance, he owes this woman nothing. You do not have to be ok with this. Ild make him bloody well cry too if he hadnt had a baby with me, but got some woman pregnant.

If he wants to be a hands on father, then you have to decide do you really want to be a stepmother. Unless you have babies with him soon, I fear this will be incredibly painful and just lead to resentment and a break up.

Get a sperm donor - this woman did - and have a baby alone but don't deny yourself being a mother.