Devastated and frightened please hold my hand

[Bryony35]

Longish term partner and I split - his DB was dying and v stressful....my DM was ill and needed support. we cleared our issues and got back together. We're strong. We've been through a shitload.

During the one year split he slept with 1 person. It was a one night stand with a relative unknown. We got back together 3 months later. A month later his friend contacts him to say this relative unknown has talked to a friend of his saying she's pregnant but doesn't know who the father is. My DP is a candidate. There are 4 other guys in the frame. She then contacts him via facebook...messages saying "I know it's yours" .... "I want it to be yours". ERRR... She doesn't know him from Adam! He explained that he has heard that paternity may be an issue and will cooperate but will need to have a DNA test done.

She seems unstable.

The baby has been born. I'm devastated this is happening. DP has asked for a legal DNA test. She is prevaricating and trying to say that they don't need one as baby looks like him. He stands firm that one is needed

I'm scared.

He made a massive mistake not using contraception. We've both been tested right at the start so all ok.

I'm just so scared....what if it's his....I read all these step children stories and they sound so so difficult.

I waited for him. We went through so much. I don't know whether I can withstand looking at him hold another woman's baby.

Please help me. I just can't face this pain

I can say with some certainty that being sure of who the father can indeed make you hesitate for way more than a second in deciding whether or not to go ahead.

Erm, you hadn't got the doubt of 4 potential fathers though, I take it?

Gosh. Enough said.

I made a point. It is insulting and upsetting and as I say, if I hadn't needed the money, I would have said no. Saying no to the test wouldn't have changed the outcome of it, would it?! We only know in this situation that there are 4 potential fathers through hearsay, if I've understood correctly. The mother may be very clear who the father is. She may not - because there is more than one potential father and/or she doesn't necessarily understand how her cycle works (not everyone does). She is probably embarressed, confused as to how she feels and has god only knows how many people trying to be 'helpful' in how to move the situation forwards.

It is easy to resort to the 'slag who sleeps around' and who is therefore 'unstable' stereotype rather than acknowledge that a ONS is the responsibility of both people involved. What matters is that paternity is established and if it's the OP's partner, the necessary arrangements made.

The only thing to do in this situation is to wait for a formal request for financial support and ignore all other attempts at contact. Only then will it be sorted properly.

AlpacaMyBags really it's that ridiculous is it? The OP has said that she wants children with her DP and felt like her dreams have been shattered, I was just asking if she felt it would be something on the cards in the near future, because she understandably feels that it would be very painful for her to see her DP being a father to a child that isn't hers. Personally, if it was me, if I knew that in the near future DP and I would be having our own baby, then it would make it a little easier to get through it.
Maybe the term 'bandaid baby' was a poor choice of words, but I don't feel it was that 'ridiculous' to ask if having a baby themselves was on the cards.

I'm so sorry you are going through this op. I know if I was in your situation I'd have to walk away if the baby was proved to be his. I just can't imagine how complicated it would be. For a good while contact would more than likely a few hours a few times a week at her house. I just know I wouldn't handle him going off there well at all. You can't be forced into being a step parent if you don't want to be.

Hi....I see your point re a baby. Yes I'm sure it would help and I get your post. But - which probably links I. With alpacas concerns- first I would want to make absolutely certain that our relationship could work with the other child. And that might take some time. And I would not want to have a baby to patch over any difficulty. I would want a baby because we both wanted one and it' was planned emotionally and financially and we could provide the best and happiest and most stable family for it.

On the current situation there is a lot to get through before our own baby is on the cards i think. That will be a while away. He has said it shouldn't hinder any of own plans re children and we can still have as many as possible! But...I know we have to get through this first.

Thank you both for your input

Lunar1 ..yes I agree but Contact won't be that frequent. We live near my family in wales as DM needs help. OW is a long long drive away....about 5 hours one way. We worked it out as 100 quid of petrol plus accommodation for visits....so can't logistically happen that frequently....which poses it's own heartbreak too. What a fucking quandry!

No way should we assume. ! DNA all the way!

Bloody hell Bryony, I can't imagine what you are going through. Such a tough thing to face. I don't know if the distance makes it better or worse.

I agree with Lunar1, I'm not sure if the distance makes it easier or worse. Worse for your DP as it would be difficult to have a proper relationship with his child, if it is his. But in many ways it would make the situation for you easier.

I am a bit of a softy when it comes to relationships and love, I believe in working at it and sticking together when times get rough. I don't think I could walk away, if he had cheated then yes, but he hasn't really done anything wrong other than being careless.

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

Hello lovely people

I'm back. I thought it would be good to update. We got the test results back on Monday. It's DP's child.

What can I say. Life is so very fickle. I am scared. I am devastated.

But, we just have to get on with things. Maintenance is already in place. First visit is happening in August. It's just DP that is going as he needs to do it by himself.

It's so very very strange to see photos of a child that is DPs if that makes sense. It is so very alienating. I feel very barren as a woman. My childlessness just seems so much more pronounced. All my friends are having their own children and I am having to face the pain of dp developing a relationship with another woman's child,

Could someone please tell me that this pain will go away. That it will be ok.

He is handling things well. I mean in terms of me. He's a tough man but on Monday he spent the whole day crying. I feel that a lot of his pain is to do with the fact that this is so awful for me. He is devastated. And devastated for his child I guess.

I have no real right to comment but as a stepmum myself, with a very beautiful step daughter, I think you should be involved from the start - especially in this situation. I think that one of the major reasons that my relationship with my DSD is so successful is that my DP always let me be there with him. We are a partnership and my DSD knows she is very much a part of that too, she has been from very young until now, six years later. She's very secure. Yours isn't the circumstance that a lot of us encounter. It's not like you came along later - after a breakdown with the baby's mother. You were always there so why does he need to go by himself the first time? You have to be strong together I think. Why is there some kind of right of passage here for your DP that you can't be involved in too? You are coming into the baby's life as a package because of the situation and you should be like that from the very beginning. Step-parenting is a rough ride but so is parenting so I'm told ;) Very best wishes.

Bryony

The love your DP will feel for this child won't take away from the love he feels for you or children you will have together, at all.

It sounds as though you wanted to have children with DP. Do you still feel that way?

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, I still want to be with him. I don't want to leave. I've made my decision on that.

Regarding his first visit. I don't want to go. I want him to take that on by himself. I feel that's a very important issue. I will be absolutely involved for the second visit and every one thereafter. But I think the pain is still so real for me, that would detract from his experience of meeting his child. I have to be selfless in that respect and also look after myself. I just don't want to go that first time, it's too painful.

He is being very good. He isn't showing me the photos. The lady was sending them to him without asking and I looked at them, but he didn't want to as he felt like she was forcing him to look.

Yes I want to have children with dp. I imagine if we manage to handle this situation, we will look to do this within the next two years.

Just wanted to add a few thoughts. I don't want to go to the first visit because I feel it's important that he takes this on as his responsibility. He has to experience this without handholding. He has to absorb the enormity of the situation without distraction. I think it's so important for him. I mean this in the kindest way. I'm not sure if it's really making sense, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that he created this situation and my role will come a little later but we have to set a precedent in terms of us both being cognisant that this is something he has brought to our relationship and must lead the way. But always taking care of my feelings

It's going to make us stronger.

I think that all sounds really sensible and wise. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, just when you thought you could enjoy your relationship.

Just read this OP and I'm sorry this has happened to you, but hopefully it will all turn out for the best.

I've never been a step-mother myself, but I would say that it is crucial that you discuss parenting with your DP. I think one of the problems in step-parenting is when the step-parent is not allowed to act as a parent. In a lot of ways I think the best approach would be if you both saw this baby as a parttime adoptee, both bond with her/him, etc.

Can I ask why he is not seeing his child until August?

It's his baby so surely he wants to see his baby asap, not 4 months down the line. If he sorts out more frequent visits, he can bond more with his child and he does have to bond. Could you move closer to the baby now? Is that a possibility so he can be a real father to his child.

I feel sorry for you, it must be horrible to find your partner has slept with someone else and now has a child in the time you had a break but he does need to focus now on establishing his relationship with this baby that did not ask for this to happen so I think it is the right decision for him to go to the visits alone for a while and then introduce you. Also by seeing photos of the baby, it might help it become real for you as well? This baby is here now and I assume will be staying in your home one day for contact.

Bryony, you say you are strong and it shows that you are indeed through your post, so to answer your question as to whether you can get through this, the answer is yes, definitely yes. Already in between the times you've posted, it reads that you are a bit stronger than you were in January. Time is your best friend and with it, things will evolved, the situation will become real rather than a bad dream, and gradually, you might even start to see if that it wasn't the worse that could have happen.

You are right to let your OH go alone. He has his own battles, you have your own, and then there are the ones you will face together. To meet this child and deal with the mother is his battle. Yours will be to cope with your feelings of pain without letting these affect your relationship, or his relationship with the child. Your battle together will be to introduce this child in your life in a way that you will get more positiveness out of it than grief and sorrow. At the moment, you only see the baby as the evidence of your OH being with another woman. Gradually, you will see that child for what it is, a human being of their own that came into your life.

I wish you all the luck, but something is telling me that one day, you will be back saying that actually, it turned out not such a bad thing, that you have all adjusted and maybe that you even care -love- that child.

I was going to ask about the august thing too. He found out on Monday, why isn't he going today? 4 months is ages, especially in the developmental life of a young child.

I think you're doing everything right. And tbh, if the mother isn't pressing him to see the baby soon, then leaving it til August might be easier on you. Any kind of contact or shared care of small babies is hard, especially if they're breast fed. It's bound to involve meeting at the mother's house and spending time all together. I think that's probably necessary for your DP to do (after all he needs to co-parent with this woman who he presumably doesn't know all that well), but may be hard for you. I think you'll find things easier once he's on to the stage of having the child away from the mother, ideally back at your house. The sooner that can be arranged, the sooner you'll start to feel at ease, and that you can run your own household and care for the child jointly as you wish.

But it is likely the child's mother wont want to let you do that at first. She may be feeling let down and unsupported, and unwilling to let her child into the care of a woman she's not met, so I think your DP has got a tricky path to build an amicable relationship with his child's mother first.