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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Extended family

29 replies

Themrmen · 14/12/2014 20:51

Hi, we've had a lot of trouble getting the dsc to adjust to new baby being around (he's now 11 months) but finally everything seems to have settled (excluding ex but that's a long and tiresome story) however this probably seems trivial but my sil is really pissing me off, everytime I put anything abouty ds doing or going somewhere on fb, she immediately comments what about the dsc are you going to do xyz for them, or if put a picture up it will automatically be oh doesn't he look like dsc here. I just feel like he is never a separate person to her, he's always compared. It really annoys me, she hasn't seen him for 5 months and is only coming at Xmas to see him as she wants to see older dsc, she actually said if they're not there I won't bother. It's infuriating, we have a very delicate relationship so don't want to bring it up but mentioned to dp who thinks I'm being stupid. Am I???

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Heyho111 · 15/12/2014 06:05

I would try to take no notice of what she's doing. Just go with the flow. Your S will be totally oblivious to it and that's all that matters. There is no point talking to her about it because she is probably aware of what she's doing.
It's hurtful but she is being ridiculous at the same time.

jigglywiggly · 15/12/2014 06:35

I would just delete her comments as soon as she wrote them. Either that or block her completely. Don't be put off sharing your pics if your child. I have 2dsc and I am not friends with any of my inlaws on fb.

catsmother · 15/12/2014 07:42

It's a bit rough of your DP to call you 'stupid' ! .... and I think that would annoy me more than the SIL.

You're doing nothing wrong in commenting about your child, or by posting photos of him - and this does NOT mean that the SC have now somehow been 'replaced' .... which is what I think your snarky SIL is getting at by making pointed remarks all the time.

In your shoes, I'd feel very cross too and agree with the advice to block her - why the hell should you have to put up with perpetual digs which are none of her business ? After all, just because you have a day out when the SC aren't there, it doesn't mean that you wouldn't be doing something nice with them when you next see them - furthermore, I hardly expect they're sitting at home wearing sackcloth and ashes when they're not with you, but getting on with their lives instead, just as you are.

daisychainmail · 15/12/2014 08:01

I also have 2 DSC and are not friends with any in-laws on FB (their mum still is). When I had my child some of our relatives went a bit bonkers, I think as they panicked to work out how the new baby fitted in with the DSC. Most amusingly they would say my daughter looked like my youngest DSC whose own personal family story is that she "is exactly like her mum". That was interesting!!

After a year or so they stopped as my DC developed her own character and everyone relaxed. However anything on FB is a bit much and needs to be stopped. My SiL is a nutcase and I know she posts weird things on DSC's walls. I would never befriend her. If I somehow got into your situation I would block her and tell MiL to have a go at her/shut her stupid commenting down.

needaholidaynow · 15/12/2014 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 15/12/2014 11:29

This reply has been deleted

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daisychainmail · 15/12/2014 11:38

It is funny how so many divorced men have utterly toxic families. I wonder if it's what makes them choose the wrong partner in the first place, or has some role to play.

TheJingleMumsRush · 15/12/2014 12:42

I would be putting her on my restricted list on FB, she's still your "friend" but will only see what you make public. I'd also tell her to not bother coming at xmas....but that's just me.

Original poster

Themrmen · 15/12/2014 15:11

Thanks for the replies, part of the problem is my dp is totally blind when it comes to his sister, she can do no wrong, it is infuriating, he's got slightly better as he's realised how much she communicates with the ex and tells her everything we're doing, ie I took ds clothes shopping as grown out of clothes, only Sainsbury's as he's still a baby and bought a load of stuff, it came up in conversation with sil who told ex, who promptly phoned us to have a go about not buying dsc new clothes, dp told her i mind her own business but since then been a bit more guarded. I'll restrict her as can't defined her without causing ww3. Also I think it's unfair on my dsd who is on fb and can read what her aunt is putting, it makes it look as though we're favouring ds

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Original poster

Themrmen · 15/12/2014 15:12

defriend!

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catsmother · 15/12/2014 15:49

Could you get DP more 'on side' by emphasising that angle to him - that if DSD reads her aunt's comments, she might get unduly upset ?

She really does sound like a shit-stirring cow though ... anyone with half a brain would realise making regular pointed remarks on FB which could be read by a child is potentially going to cause upset.

It's this whole idea some ignorant people have that if you have non-res children, you're supposed to put your life on hold when they're not there (as described by Needa - I remember her previous threads). I mean, what would this aunt find acceptable FFS ? Not that I suggest asking her because it's nothing to do with her, but the point is, for people like that, they're never going to be satisfied - and of course, if there's any favouritism going on, it's from the aunt towards DSD isn't it seeing as she doesn't bother about your son.

Petal02 · 15/12/2014 15:55

If you de-friend someone, do they get a notification about it? If the answer is "no", then I would press the de-friend button ASAP.

Sadly I remember Needaholiday's thread from last year, where it was suggested two little boys should refrain from celebrating Christmas/opening presents until golden step sister arrives in the evening ...... utterly ridiculous.

Original poster

Themrmen · 15/12/2014 18:14

They are very favoured over my ds by her, the mum lives 1.5 hours away and she pops down to see them as "Aunty shouldn't go to long without cuddles" she's not seen ds for 5 months and we live less than 30 mins away. She has no interest in him and that upsets me. He's young now but when he's older he'll realise how differently he's treated. Not sure if they get a notification I've restricted her access now though suspect she'll notice soon enough

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PeruvianFoodLover · 15/12/2014 18:46

It's not unusual for inlaws to feel conflicted over children from a second marriage and to favour the children of the first marriage - there's a whole chapter in the book Stepmonster about it.

needaholidaynow · 15/12/2014 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother · 16/12/2014 07:35

I do think that at least some of this sort of attitude may be down, even in this day and age, to disapproval and/or 'shame' connected to divorce. Over the years I've spoken to so many other stepmums/'second' wives who've experienced this sort of thing and it'd seem that some ILs - no matter how unhappy/unhealthy the first marriage was, or even if the first wife had affairs and did the leaving - just can't shake the idea that marriage is for life and that its breakdown is therefore something awful.

This then translates into seeing the 'first' children as the only ones who matter and the 'second' wife as not being a 'real' wife - I know someone who was told this because the second wedding couldn't take place in church for example.

Obviously, this won't apply to everyone, but I think it does have a bearing in some cases. It's still nasty though.

Original poster

Themrmen · 16/12/2014 08:49

Yes the dsc are very much the golden children in sil eyes, my ds barely even registers. What I truly don't understand is this obsessive need to include them in everything ds does and the need to see they're not left out in anyway to make it fair but to not see or care that you are doing ten times worse to my son in respect of unfair treatment and missing out on family than we do with dsc. She's so preoccupied with dsc that she simple ignores ds. We don't leave dsc out as an act of bring mean simply life continues when they're not around. Where hers towards ds in purposely done

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Original poster

Themrmen · 16/12/2014 08:49

Opps. Being mean that should read

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needaholidaynow · 16/12/2014 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeruvianFoodLover · 16/12/2014 09:04

Is there an element of guilt by association? If ILs feel that the DCs are somehow disadvantaged because their parents are split, then do they (the ILs) feel that they somehow have to "make up" for their son/brother doing that to his DCs - and so the IL act as a champion for the DCs?

dalmatianmad · 16/12/2014 09:04

Delete the silly cow off FB!

needaholidaynow · 16/12/2014 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Themrmen · 16/12/2014 09:22

Doing what to his dc? They haven't been together for over 8 years me and dp been together just under 4, the kids are fine, they have a great relationship with my dp, they see him lots and speak/Skype a lot when not staying with us. The only child disadvantaged by her behaviour is my ds. You're right needa she is the one missing out on my lovely ds and he won't be interested in her later on in life if she finally wises up

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redredholly · 16/12/2014 09:36

With my DH's hostile family (which is not all of them) it is because they don't 'recognise' divorce and so see my DH's first relationship (which ended almost a decade ago) as his 'real' one.

Oh well, less christmas cards to write.

PeruvianFoodLover · 16/12/2014 09:38

themrmen Apologies, I wasn't suggesting that your DH had done anything; just that there is an odd mindset towards "children of divorce" and so many people think they are hard done by and need compensating.

If your SIL holds that opinion, then she may feel that she somehow has to "make up" for it because they are her brothers DCs.

Not logical, but an all too common mindset, unfortunately.

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