Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

what are your arrangements for clothes?

43 replies

ivorylace9 · 13/10/2014 11:59

Just wondering what other step families do about clothes?

Do they bring clothes from home? Do they have a full wardrobe at your house? Do they bring clothes to go home in? Do they go home in clothes that you've bought? If so do they ever come home again?

We have a bit of a nightmare with clothes so just wondering how other people work it?

We pick DSC up from school on a Friday, they wear clothes that we and MIL buy, which they then go home in and we send them back with washed school uniform.

But now I can't keep track of what is where. Well actually yes I can, most of it is at their Mum's house, occasionally she'll send things back to us but it seems that anything decent that she likes stays with her.
I want to buy them new clothes for Christmas and I like them to have some nice clothes, especially if we want to go out for a meal or there's a family gathering etc, but it's really putting me off cos I know eventually they'll end up back at their Mum's.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MadBannersAndCopPorn · 13/10/2014 12:19

We buy dsd clothes and she keeps them at ours, she gets picked up on Friday after school in her uniform, wears the clothes she has here for the weekend then goes back to school Monday in the same uniform (washed obvs) Same for half terms.

We found that if we allowed her to go back to her Mums in the clothes we bought then she'd bring them there and we'd never see them again. Especially socks and underwear as they're hard to keep track of and easy to get mixed up.

wheresthelight · 13/10/2014 12:56

socks and undies stay in whatever house they get taken off in but everything else gets returned to the house it's bought for.

their mum is very quick to demand stuff back so I do send the odd message to her saying "Ohh can't find x here could you see if it's at yours and send it back please" if things haven't come back.

thebluehen · 13/10/2014 13:52

We do the same as mad banners. Holiday time is always challenging though but as mum is more precious about "her" things than in helping herself to ours, it helps.

The eldest takes everything we buy her to Mums (she's 18) but I'm sick of her complaining she has nothing to wear at ours.

chocoraisin · 13/10/2014 14:06

DPs kids bring a bag with them and everything goes back to their mum. My DC have two wardrobes at my house and their dads, nothing (not even coats) go with them - what they go in, they usually come back in at the end of the weekend. If one or two things come between houses we try to return them but we're not precious about it. We've got pants/socks/wellies etc here for DP's kids and over time will build up coats, spare clothes etc as well because the kids aren't great at choosing seasonally appropriate bits to bring with them!

wifeandstepmum · 13/10/2014 14:36

We get a bag of stuff from DSD mums house when she comes to ours. Theoretically her mum buys all her clothes from maintenance payments, and because she wants to choose. Quite often the clothes DSD comes to us with (aged 6) are not appropriate for conditions ie party dresses to go camping in. No coat or jumper in mid winter. No pants at all... So we have got her some stuff for our house too and stuff that work with her lifestyle with us too. I feel like if we buy her anything decent that accidentially goes home we never see it again either. But equally we frustrate her mum by occasionally forgeting to send stuff back or have accidentally got mud on her party dresses which have apparently damaged them (why only send expensive dresses for a girls camping trip?). Mutual frustration all round. If dp pays over the odds on maintenance is if reasonable for us not to buy a full additional wardrobe? She grows so quickly. Her mum thinks we should buy clothes for her for our house too.... I don't know what's reasonable anymore.

Original poster

ivorylace9 · 13/10/2014 16:14

Thanks, I suppose this is a very grey area in the world of step parenting with no right or wrong.
When DSC were younger they used to have a bath here and then go home in their PJ's and when we ran out of PJ's we asked for some back, it was no big deal if a particular pair didn't come home cos after all, they're just PJ's.
But now they're older they wouldn't appreciate getting in their PJ's at 6pm lol
Unfortunately taking them to school on a Monday morning isn't an option as they live about 1&1/2 hour drive away, DH starts work at 8am and I need to take my DS to school.
They take pretty big school bags to school, room for a change of clothes to fit in there, so we're going to ask their Mum to pack something for them to go home in.
I don't really think that's too much to ask for as we're currently expected to provide a full wardrobe for them. Even when they come to us for a week in school holidays or we take them on holiday, she doesn't even ask if there's anything we need for them. Just the offer would be nice.
This whole situation is very strange to me as my parents separated when I was very young and I always took a bag with ample clothes in, if my Dad was planning on a particular activity he would ask me to bring things for it eg swimming costume.I would have an outfit or two at my Dad's for spares or for if we went out somewhere nice and he wanted me to wear something special.

I'm not saying that that was better but it was just the total opposite to how things are with DSC so for them to not bring anything what so ever just seems really bizarre to me.

OP posts:

ChiefBillyNacho · 13/10/2014 16:50

I bought everything dsd needed for her time with us. She went home in what she came in so that I could wash things ready for next time. It meant we had exactly what she needed, it fitted and was appropriate for what we were doing, her mum wasn't landed with all the laundry, and she/dsd didn't have to worry about packing and unpacking a bag or things being at the wrong house.

xalyssx · 13/10/2014 17:05

DS has a capsule wardrobe at his dad's, enough for 5 days. He usually comes back wearing what I sent him in, but sometimes they'll swap like for like, eg a different short sleeve top.

pmgkt · 13/10/2014 17:21

Oldest dsd 14 brings a bag as she is into holistic super dry etc and her mum says she can't afford to buy them clothes even though we top up in addition to csa. So we buy the clothes too and at that price I would much rather it was worn than sat in a wardrobe at ours. So she brings a bag and everything goes back with her so on the plus side I don't do washing other than pjs which stay here. Dsd2 11 still has not reach this fashion phase and so has loads here and loads at home and so doesn't bring anything. I would like to have some spares for dsd1 but I know she wouldn't wear it anyway. On a plus point dsd1 is happy with secondhand as long as it has the right name

donkir · 13/10/2014 17:31

My ds goes to his dad's in cheap clothes and comes home in the same outfit. They have clothes for ds at their house.
I'm forever having to buy new socks though as he will always come home in his db socks.

fedupbutfine · 13/10/2014 17:58

My ex never returns anything. After many years of frustration, I started sending the children in their school uniform on a Saturday (he won't do Friday night pick ups from school) and I then got it back on the Monday when he dropped them off at school. Prior to that, I had literally been sending them in normal clothes on Saturday and not getting them back and it couldn't go on - 3 new outfits a fortnight. He dresses them in utter shite (which is why he keeps the decent stuff), usually too small or too big. In fact, he seems to have an endless supply of too small-too big school uniform as well but I just send them back in the not too bad stuff and accept that I'll be buying 15 pairs of trousers each a year. It's not good.

I personally think children should go to their other parents home and be accepted as part of the family - that doesn't mean turning up with a packed bag. This just reinforces the 'you don't really belong here' thing and is particularly an issue where there are children of the second family and the 'first' children feeling pushed out.

JamaicanMeCrazy · 13/10/2014 18:19

I send a set in their school bags to come home in and he has a wardrobe for them there.

I was originally sending them with their own stuff from home but he seemed to think that the clothes I have were not good enough (ie expensive enough ) so I told him to either buy his own or stfu and deal with it.

avocadogreen · 13/10/2014 20:23

I'm new to all this, but surely their clothes are just their clothes and belong to the child? When the DC go to stay with their dad I pack them a bag, and they bring it back at the end of the weekend. Occasionally he has bought them stuff when they are with him, but they bring it home with them. It seems silly for them to keep clothes at his house that they will only wear every other weekend! Plus if they have something new they like to wear it, not have to leave it behind.

riverboat1 · 13/10/2014 21:24

I'm not entirely sure as DP and his ex sort it out between them, but I am pretty sure that the clothes that DSS arrives in and leaves in 'live' at his mum's house. He has clothes that 'live' here, which he wears during the full days he is with us. But things like coats, shoes, boots etc are shared between the two houses and one household would never refuse to lend/return them to the other house. The only issue is when DSS or a parent forgets something important and special arrangements have to be made for it to get to the right house at the right time.

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 13/10/2014 22:18

Kids have clothes at both houses more at their mums. But anything we get goes back and forth. Usually we dont see our stuff till everything else is dirty and she cant be bothered washing. You just learn to live with it and just dont spend a fortune. Although i dread when my child comes along and they will get new clothes etc from half decent shops. Im sure kids and their mum will have something to say but she sends over smelly holey clothes every week. Why should we spend a fortune on clothes that go missing and come back minging? Also dp pays her maintainance and has kids half the time so she really should be providing.

Whatever21 · 13/10/2014 22:27

I pack a bag for what they need, they have no clothes at the other house.

Woe betide me if I dare forget something - ergo, forgot PJs for DC1 - I am a bad mother.

The bag comes back every time with nothing washed - I spend sunday night washing frantically for Monday morning - luckily this is rare,as overnights do not happen often.

I buy all the clothes - in the past 3 yrs, ex has bought a 5 pack pair of pants, 3 t shirts and a fleece - yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And no he does not pay over the odds for maintenance.

quirkycutekitch · 14/10/2014 07:42

I send DS to his dads in clothes his dad has bought him or clothes I don't mind if I don't see for weeks (or ever again) - he has most of His clothes with me and a few bits at his dads.

spottymoo · 14/10/2014 07:56

Clothes shoes and coats and both houses we get Dss on a Friday from school and take him to school on a Monday.
He has his own room with wardrobe etc here and has enough clothes for weekends and school holidays.

We found it easier rather than clothes going back and forth this way we know he has the right clothes for the right weather

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 14/10/2014 08:00

DS comes and goes in same outfit and has clothes provided for by exMIL at his dad's as she has never liked what I buy. When we were married every time they came to visit she would arrive armed with an outfit, strip ds off and redress him immediately. I was never asked if it was ok and not allowed by dh to object. Don't know what will happen when he has his own ideas though.

WakeyCakey45 · 14/10/2014 09:10

It doesn't seem to matter what the NRHousehold does regarding clothing - if it's not to the RP liking, then it causes drama. (And vica-versa)

Some NRHouseholds are accused of overstepping if they buy clothing, or (heaven forbid) launder the clothes the DCs arrive in. Others are accused of being neglectful if they don't provide a full wardrobe of clothes and ensure that clothing the DCs arrive in are not washed and neatly pressed overnight for return the next morning.

It would be a lot easier for DCs if there were default positions for all these things - just like with Child Maintenance, parents should be encouraged to come to a mutual agreement, but when they can't, why can't there be an unambiguous "norm" that households must adhere to?

WestEast · 14/10/2014 09:18

DSD comes to ours fri-sun EOW. She's comes with a little suitcase with her clothes for the weekend and a couple of extras in case she gets mucky. I always try and wash some of what she's worn and then everything goes back with her on Sunday.

ChiefBillyNacho · 14/10/2014 09:27

And what happens with non compliance then?! The children go naked?!!

I've been on both sides of this - I provided everything for dsd as it was easiest for us and minimised any potential for arguments or discord. And that's what was best for dsd.

And now dd goes to her Dads and he thinks I should provide everything from the maintenance he is refusing to pay, I provide it all again. I've sent stuff to stay there which mysteriously went missing, I've got fed up with things not coming back as they allegedly never were there, or go in the wash and languish at the bottom if the basket for weeks on end, so now I send a bag for laundry and a list of what she has. The only thing I can't stop is dd's SM whining that she has a list - but it's minimised the stress for dd which is what it's all about.

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 14/10/2014 09:30

I pack a bag for them with everything they need for the weekend and then it gets returned when they come home on Monday night. He has a set of school uniforms for them which stay at his and also pj's and a couple of outfits. It helps that we still love quite close so if they do need extra stuff then it's easy for one of us to pop round for it.

ChiefBillyNacho · 14/10/2014 09:31

I suppose my point is that i dont think there is any need to get worked up about a few clothes. You can have all sorts of arrangements, but if one of the parties involved wants to make an issue of things then there will be problems.

WestEast · 14/10/2014 10:04

Our arrangement works for us. DP and his ExW have a very good relationship and we fell into this clothing situation naturally. If it goes to pot, then we would just deal with it at the time.

Flip

1 2