what are your arrangements for clothes?

[ivorylace9]

Just wondering what other step families do about clothes?

Do they bring clothes from home? Do they have a full wardrobe at your house? Do they bring clothes to go home in? Do they go home in clothes that you've bought? If so do they ever come home again?

We have a bit of a nightmare with clothes so just wondering how other people work it?

We pick DSC up from school on a Friday, they wear clothes that we and MIL buy, which they then go home in and we send them back with washed school uniform.

But now I can't keep track of what is where. Well actually yes I can, most of it is at their Mum's house, occasionally she'll send things back to us but it seems that anything decent that she likes stays with her.
I want to buy them new clothes for Christmas and I like them to have some nice clothes, especially if we want to go out for a meal or there's a family gathering etc, but it's really putting me off cos I know eventually they'll end up back at their Mum's.

[LeftHandedMouse]

When they get older a) they will not remember to pack anything they want and b) will be old enough to remember to come and get it.

We spent many years watching clothes just disappear because the other parent just didnt buy anything other than sports gear.

Not great with teenage kids, and as we live so close they're back and forth several times a week to collect stuff we've bought and they want to wear.

[WakeyCakey45]

Also having your house smell like the person who you kicked out for abusive controlling behaviour is not very nice. Smells are very evocative in bringing good and bad memories to the surface

I imagine the DCs are a far more evocative reminder
If you are insisting that your DCs bring back dirty clothes, or are rewashing their clean clothes when they bring them back, then you are equally guilty of putting your DCs in the middle.

I bought a new pair of school shoes for my DSS to keep at our home - he wore them for 2 days every fortnight. I understand why you'd think that was a waste. But, DSS did have the option of taking those shoes to his mums and wearing them more frequently, but DSS refused to, saying she'd throw them away. Based on previous experience with clothing, we believed that to be true. I bought them because DSS was measured as 2 sizes bigger than the shoes he was wearing, and as DH was unemployed, the amount of CM his mum was receiving was minimal. I thought I was helping, but no, you've confirmed that a stepmums place is firmly in the wrong.

Funnily enough, DSS mum wanted to know why we weren't giving DSS outgrown school clothes and shoes to people that she knew. Well, I have links with a different school, and they were passed on to families I know from there.

[springalong]

I posted to show that what might appear on the surface to be a solution (ie 2 wardrobes) actually has its own problems. I don't know of any other family that has a spare pair of school shoes at £46 per pair, that will never be worn. The waste is close to criminal, especially when they wont go to a local family that cant afford decent school shoes. Although I had bought my DC school shoes and DC knew it, ex insisted on taking DC for the appointment he had made at another shoe shop and buying these shoes. DC absolutely in the middle unnecessarily and knowing it. There is so much more and there is controlling behaviour here. Also having your house smell like the person who you kicked out for abusive controlling behaviour is not very nice. Smells are very evocative in bringing good and bad memories to the surface.

[ChiefBillyNacho]

I'd love it if xh had a whole other wardrobe. I wouldn't care if the stuff got worn or not, or where it went when no longer needed. And he can use whatever washing powder he likes - anything I don't have to wash is a bonus!

[Whatever21]

It would just be nice - if they washed something once in a while.

And canned the comments - did you know this is too small, DCs need new undies etc. You could try buying something yourself -it would not break the bank!

(240 pcm for 2 DCs - does not cover everything - before anyone says that is what maintenance is for!)

[springalong]

I am RP. DC sees dad every other EOW, pick up from school Friday,drop off school Monday am and similar for mid week. I am paid sufficient maintenance so expect to and do buy school uniform (including spares), shoes, home clothes, activity wear, PJs , underwear etc from that. During the holidays different contact arrangements so DC will have to go in home clothes and come back in same. DC are often returned to mine in clothes that I had bought that are too small - must have been at back of wardrobe. I have never seen any of DC clothes from ex's apart from a pair of socks.

I only found out this year that DC have a complete other wardrobe at ex's home - this even includes a "spare" pair of school shoes, school uniform (from a different supplier). I think that is unnecessary (especially when claims are made to court about being hard up) and DC must outgrow these clothes long before they are worn out. I do wonder where the outgrown clothes go too - I have lots of good homes for that type of stuff.

I loves the idea of a child's clothes moving backwards and forwards freely but it became too much to go via school in any quantity and leaving extra by the front door also became too much. I must confess that I don't like the washing powder that ex uses to wash the school uniform - it is very strong. I use a non scented one and it does make a difference.

[TheMumsRush]

DH picks it up on the way through

[MsColouring]

Can I ask, those people who send a spare set of clothes - do you send it to school with them? Or drop it round? My ex doesn't want me dropping clothes round as it apparently 'spoils the children's enjoyment' - ie. they give me a hug and he gets all jealous. But then he gets all possessive of the grubby undersized clothes he has sent them back in if they are not returned when the children have their mid week contact. It's one I can't win on.

[NerdyBird]

DSDs have pretty much everything they need at both houses. Not sure if their mum has wellies, swimming costumes and winter coats but those can be taken if necessary. They go to mum's EOW from school and she takes them in on Monday morning so they don't really need to take anything unless they want something particular to wear. If they go for longer in the holidays they might take favourite things with them but they would come back. If clothes from their mum end up here DP will make sure they go back.

It's not an issue at the moment and hopefully never will be!

[crazykat]

IME having clothes at both houses only works if clothes go back and forth. When the dsc go home in clothes from the NRPs house and take home what they came in and no clothes come back then it doesn't work.

DSD used to go home in clothes from ours and leave what she came in. Then her mum wanted DSD to bring the clothes back and we were ending up with nothing decent here and couldn't afford new clothes every week. Asking for things back didn't work as it would either not come back or only come back when it was too small. Now she will have to bring cloths with her and if she needs something specific we'll tell her.

I still buy DSD the odd thing but she's in adults sizes now so doesn't grow out of things much so doesn't need as much buying.

[crazykat]

We used to have clothes here but have recently sorted them and sent them home so now she brings clothes for the following day.

I got fed up of clothes either not being worn or DSD would go home in something from here and take what she came in. Nothing was coming back except a top here and there or the odd pair of trousers. I got fed up of having to buy more clothes that she doesn't need and we can't afford so we changed the arrangement.

Now DSD just has underwear and pjs at ours.

[thebluehen]

Tamzin,

In your situation I'd be tempted to send them back in school uniform.

[Tamzin125]

We have the same problem! DP picks DSS up from school on a Friday. We wash and dry uniform before Sunday and pack it in his bag whilst sending him in normal clothes back to his Mum's. It's a nightmare as we're constantly having to by new clothes as DSS's Mum keeps "forgetting" to pack normal clothes for him. Don't get me wrong, we don't mind buying clothes and like having a wardrobe for him here but when things are going every other weekend, I don't see why we should have to constantly buy clothes all the time.

[Chasingsquirrels]

Dc's mostly live with me but spend 1 weeknight (straight from school to school next morning) and 1 weekend day/night plus half holiday with their dad. They rarely get changed out of school uniform after school unless they are doing something, so effectively their non-uniform wearing time is split 50/50 between us.

Their dad has 1 set of school clothes for each of them, they go from school to him in a set (obviously), wear a clean set from his house to school the next day, he washes the used set for them to reuse the next week.

If they go to him on a Fri evening they are at home for a few hours first and get changed out of school uniform so that it doesn't accumulate at his house.

Non-school clothes are brought by both me and their dad and go between our houses depending on what they are wearing when they move from one house to the other.
If one of us is taking them away we will swap clothes around so we have enough appropriate clothing for a longer period of time.
If they need more than one pair of shoes, coats for the weekend / holidays they take them with them from here, they occasionally forget to bring them back, but their dad will drop them round or brings them next time he sees them. This isn't often an issue.

I often think "where has xyz that I've brought and seen them wear once gone?" and it's at their dad's, but I'm sure he thinks the same thing. I don't deliberately stop stuff going back (other than uniform as above), they just chose what to wear and that's what gets swapped.

In your situation where you are sending back washed uniform and having to buy clothes for them to wear at your house, it depends what relationships between the mum & dad are like.
If you can address it without issue then that's obviously best (but I'm guessing not or you wouldn't be posting here), and probably getting them to bring a set of home clothes in their school bag on a Friday, or collecting a set when you drop them back on the Sunday evening.
Otherwise, I'd be tempted to not send the uniform back and then when mum asks for it say "oh yes, we must swap home clothes / uniform".

[gingermopped]

my kids get sent to dads with clothing, enough for amount of time they r there, sumtimes its gets left behind but it doesnt matter, and there dad will often request certain stuff which I oblige. thats what im giving maitenance for.
I do get why sum famillies hav to hav two wardrobes but if all is amicable whats the need and my ex hubbies is ex army so a stickler for being groomed, clothing always comes back freshly washed and ironed

[WakeyCakey45]

if one of the parties involved wants to make an issue of things then there will be problems.

Exactly and it doesn't matter how accomodating or flexible the other party is - clothes do tend to bring out the worst in some people no matter how hard others try to "get it right".

All joking aside, there was a post here on MN once about a situation where the handover took place at a Service Station or similar, and the children were stripped naked before being placed in the other parents care to ensure that no belongings got handed over with them
When situations are that extreme, then perhaps a court order is necessary to ensure that both parties demonstrate some common sense.

[MeridianB]

We buy clothes for DSD to wear when she is with us. It just became easier to do that as things kept getting forgotten. Also, her mum was constantly asking for more money for clothes which then never materialised.

She also deliberately dropped DSD off at DH's family gathering on Boxing Day in tracksuit bottoms and a grotty t-shirt. We didn't expect her in a brocade party dress but it prompted us to have a set of clothes with us for next time.

[TheMumsRush]

We have the kids EOW, if they had clothes that stayed here they wouldn't get much use as the kids are growing so quick (plus you end up seeing the kids in the same things all the time). As It stands, the kids bring their own clothes and they all go back. If need be we can always ask if we need something for a certain occasion.

[WestEast]

Our arrangement works for us. DP and his ExW have a very good relationship and we fell into this clothing situation naturally. If it goes to pot, then we would just deal with it at the time.

[ChiefBillyNacho]

I suppose my point is that i dont think there is any need to get worked up about a few clothes. You can have all sorts of arrangements, but if one of the parties involved wants to make an issue of things then there will be problems.

[Pinkandpurplehairedlady]

I pack a bag for them with everything they need for the weekend and then it gets returned when they come home on Monday night. He has a set of school uniforms for them which stay at his and also pj's and a couple of outfits. It helps that we still love quite close so if they do need extra stuff then it's easy for one of us to pop round for it.

[ChiefBillyNacho]

And what happens with non compliance then?! The children go naked?!!

I've been on both sides of this - I provided everything for dsd as it was easiest for us and minimised any potential for arguments or discord. And that's what was best for dsd.

And now dd goes to her Dads and he thinks I should provide everything from the maintenance he is refusing to pay, I provide it all again. I've sent stuff to stay there which mysteriously went missing, I've got fed up with things not coming back as they allegedly never were there, or go in the wash and languish at the bottom if the basket for weeks on end, so now I send a bag for laundry and a list of what she has. The only thing I can't stop is dd's SM whining that she has a list - but it's minimised the stress for dd which is what it's all about.

[WestEast]

DSD comes to ours fri-sun EOW. She's comes with a little suitcase with her clothes for the weekend and a couple of extras in case she gets mucky. I always try and wash some of what she's worn and then everything goes back with her on Sunday.

[WakeyCakey45]

It doesn't seem to matter what the NRHousehold does regarding clothing - if it's not to the RP liking, then it causes drama. (And vica-versa)

Some NRHouseholds are accused of overstepping if they buy clothing, or (heaven forbid) launder the clothes the DCs arrive in. Others are accused of being neglectful if they don't provide a full wardrobe of clothes and ensure that clothing the DCs arrive in are not washed and neatly pressed overnight for return the next morning.

It would be a lot easier for DCs if there were default positions for all these things - just like with Child Maintenance, parents should be encouraged to come to a mutual agreement, but when they can't, why can't there be an unambiguous "norm" that households must adhere to?

[mustbetimeforacreamtea]

DS comes and goes in same outfit and has clothes provided for by exMIL at his dad's as she has never liked what I buy. When we were married every time they came to visit she would arrive armed with an outfit, strip ds off and redress him immediately. I was never asked if it was ok and not allowed by dh to object. Don't know what will happen when he has his own ideas though.