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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Help needed on the other side of the fence!

115 replies

gingercat2 · 06/09/2014 22:26

I'm mum to my DD age 6, and my DP is step dad. She lives at home two thirds of the time and sees my ExP the rest of the time.

There is no love lost between DD and DP. My mother visited recently and told me that she thought DP was horrible to DD. That he never builds her up and only says negative things.

Well that is true, but not the only side to the story. DD is rude and disrespectful to both me and DP at times. She whines, resists, and argues back. I know that these traits are not unusual in a six year old, and I am trying to help her work on them, and succeeding slowly. DP's intervention is backing me up in these areas.

I also know that DP finds it difficult coping with DD. He is so much more relaxed and cheerful when she is at ExP's.

How do I support them both? I've been reading this board for a while and I know how hard it is for step parents, and the risk of me being a Disney mum.......

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FlossyMoo · 10/09/2014 08:42

She is as invested as you are Wakey stop being silly.

You have posted the same amount of times as Nicki does that mean you are too invested also?

MarianneSolong · 10/09/2014 08:54

Perhaps another (difficult) thing to try and think about is the future. Each age has its own challenges. If your partner places a high value on the kind of good behaviour that consists of a child doing what s/he is told, how are they likely to respond to the challenges of adolescence? This can be a difficult time in non-blended families, and perhaps more so when a child - who wants their growing autonomy recognised - may say, 'You can't tell me what to do!' A step-parent who wants to be 'tough' then can make the family dynamics very unhappy indeed.

NickiFury · 10/09/2014 10:04

Marianne I think your advice on this thread have been really insightful. Especially the ones about many changes and this little girl perhaps wishing to exert a little control.

Thumbwitch · 10/09/2014 10:29

ginger - is your DD scared of your DP? Do you think that might have some bearing on how she behaves when you're not around?

I agree that you seem to think now that there are no problems - can you at least accept that a completely negative stance towards your DD is not going to, ultimately, be good for her - your mother has said this, if you choose not to accept the words of the people on here, perhaps you could listen to her?

PerpendicularVincenzo · 10/09/2014 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiaDuit · 10/09/2014 16:25

Fuck! Alternate universe or something but i wouldnt be leaving my child alone with someone i described as having 'no love lost' with them! That's insane as far as i'm concerned. Bad enough she has to live with him but she's being left in her own with him. Awful. How do people get to a point in life where they have their child not only spending time with but living with and under the care of someone who feels like that about them? Baffling. Would you do it if it was a teacher/childminder/grandparent/aunty? Maybe you would!

MexicanSpringtime · 10/09/2014 16:32

Yeap, I am not someone who loves every child I come in contact with, but I would never agree to look after a child I had no affection for, for their sake!

ArsenicFaceCream · 10/09/2014 17:02

There is no love lost between DD and DP. My mother visited recently and told me that she thought DP was horrible to DD. That he never builds her up and only says negative things.

Well that is true, but not the only side to the story.

It is a little strange to talk about 'sides to the story' when discussing an adult in a parental role and a six year old, I think.

'Sides to story' are for equal relationships, aren't they? And frequent negativity from an adult to a child must be a concern.

Have you considered family therapy?

Original poster

gingercat2 · 11/09/2014 14:31

I think I must live in a very different world from many of you! Either that, or my way of communicating is not very effective. Nevertheless, it is true that the discussion on this thread has been very helpful to me on thinking through the issues, and for that I am grateful. :)

OP posts:

RedRaw · 13/09/2014 07:43

I'm in a similar position as you OP, except I have 3 DCs 4,6,8, and none with DP. My DP is quick to pick them up for apparent bad behaviour, but doesn't show them much affection, and he's much more strict than I am. He has 2 older DCs, that he rarely sees.
When my DCs are away at their Dads every second weekend, he is visibly more relaxed. It's like a double life.
We had a row about it yesterday, after my eldest shouted downstairs, "Mummy, can you come here a minute please", DP shouted "what is it, mummy's busy" in a angry tone, not even allowing me to say that myself!

My feeling is that if DP is only seen to shout or be grumpy, then he's not endearing himself to DCs, and their relationship won't develop positively.
I'm on the brink of asking my DC to leave, but I don't have any DCs with mine.

Bessiebigpants · 13/09/2014 09:50

I suppose what I think you should ask your self is How would you feel if your daughter votes with her feet when she is a bit older.She has a dad with whom she spends time She may if she is unhappy at home choose to live with him instead.Because if things don t resolve that may well happen.Also as she gets older she will verbalise what's happening at home and her Dad may well not be impressed your mum clearly isn't. She may only be six but she has every right to thoughts and feelings and they may well not be the same as yours.I can hear how torn you are and understand that things are tricky but children have rights and parents have responsibilities, Unfortunatly you and your partner need to consider yours in relation to this child.

DiaDuit · 13/09/2014 11:13

I think you should ask your self is How would you feel if your daughter votes with her feet when she is a bit older

Fear of her DD leaving when she is older should not be OP's motivation for putting this right. [Hmm] Her daughter's current wellbeing and happiness should be her motivation. I'm still failing to see how/why this is not obvious to OP. her priorities clearly lie with her partner.

DiaDuit · 13/09/2014 11:14

And i have no idea why it is 'unfortunate' that OP and her partner should have to consider her DD's rights! What an odd way to phrase that.

basgetti · 13/09/2014 14:35

I think I must live in a very different world from many of you!

Yep. I would never subject my child to living with an adult who dislikes them, let alone leave the child in their sole care.

NickiFury · 13/09/2014 15:50

It seems you do. Don't you think with that many people offering opposing viewpoints to your own it must be worth considering that's there's something in them?

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