Help needed on the other side of the fence!

[gingercat2]

I'm mum to my DD age 6, and my DP is step dad. She lives at home two thirds of the time and sees my ExP the rest of the time.

There is no love lost between DD and DP. My mother visited recently and told me that she thought DP was horrible to DD. That he never builds her up and only says negative things.

Well that is true, but not the only side to the story. DD is rude and disrespectful to both me and DP at times. She whines, resists, and argues back. I know that these traits are not unusual in a six year old, and I am trying to help her work on them, and succeeding slowly. DP's intervention is backing me up in these areas.

I also know that DP finds it difficult coping with DD. He is so much more relaxed and cheerful when she is at ExP's.

How do I support them both? I've been reading this board for a while and I know how hard it is for step parents, and the risk of me being a Disney mum.......

The table question is probably off topic but interesting nevertheless. What do other families do on the odd occasion when the number of visitors is more than the number of additional spaces at the table? When I was a kid, we would be put at a makeshift table for that meal. It seems like the most sensible solution to me.

An extendable table is on the wish list, but seeing as it would only be needed once every couple of months at present it is a long way down the list.

The table seating arrangement I first described is the exception, usually the four of us sit at the table together (baby in highchair).

The question about why I had my second child with DP has been on my mind this morning.

I observed how he treated me, DD, his kids, his ex, my parents, etc, over time, and felt comfortable with what I saw. Before we lived together he was kind and thoughtful to DD but not overly engaged. On reflection, this is how he behaves to everyone. The problems between him and DD did begin after he moved in.

The parenting styles topic is interesting, as I notice that I tend to parent DDs similarly to how I was parented, but my parents now suggest I'm too strict. ..... and I can remember the same situation between my parents and grandparents when I was a child!

I don't think it's unusual for the dynamics to change between a DC and their parents partner (or any other adult) when they begin to share a home.

It's inevitable that when you were dating, you (and your DD) behaved differently towards each other and your DP than you both do now you are living as a family. It's quite likely your DD viewed the time you spent with your DP prior to living together as a bit of a treat. You probably spoilt her a bit, and/or gave her more leeway than she got when you and she were together at home. He made the effort even if he did struggle with her behaviour because he wanted to impress you. The mundane, boring and difficult bits of being a family didn't happen.

It's quite possible that while you were dating your DP bit his tongue in relation to aspects of your DDs behaviour or your parenting - it was only when you all moved in together that it became harder for him to do that (there are literally thousands of unhappy stepparents who wish they'd addressed the irritations and niggles before the family blended). And it's quite likely that you DD sees your DP as the "party pooper" - she knows that you are less consistent and that if it wasn't for him, she'd probably be able to persuade you to let her have what she wants.

Yes I do do the modelling Cool - good to know I may be on the right track with that! :)

It's very telling that the advice that "resonates" with you OP is that of those who are telling you what you want to hear.

I feel extremely sorry for both of your children. I hope you'll remember this thread when your dd becomes steadily more miserable and non-compliant and your bullying DH becomes even more unpleasant in order to force her to submit and also when he starts being "tough" on your baby. However I fear that you will not because you seem to adjust your expectations of how your children should be treated in accordance with what suits you.

The way YOU deal with your dd sounds spot on by the way, but it is clear that is being eroded by his idea of what parenting is and the way you pounced on the one or two posts that support him and used them to validate basically continuing to allow him to bully your dc.

I'd say good luck but I think I will reserve that for your kids, they're going to need it.

OP - I'm sure that a HV, school teacher or even a parenting support worker would be willing to help assess whether your DD is "miserable and non-compliant" or alternatively whether she is "not particularly hard work".

Opinion is clearly divided here on that issue, but based on a few lines written on the internet, I don't think anyone can judge whether your DD is being affected by your choice of parenting style.

nicki I think that your comment is very unhelpful!

I don't care

I think it's more unhelpful to tell a poster she should put up with her child being emotionally abused, out of some misguided belief that stepparents can do no wrong.

out of some misguided belief that stepparents can do no wrong.

I'm not sure that attributing motives to other peoples posts is particularly helpful, either - I'm sure we can all make a guess why other people post, but if we all shared our thoughts about different posters motivations for posting on each thread, its only going to turn into a squabble with each attempting to correct others assumptions.

The OP has received plenty of advice of differing natures - and she has chosen for herself which advice to take and which doesn't work for her.

Subsequently insulting and berating her because she hasn't taken the advice a poster think she should, is certainly not in the spirit of making parents life easier, is it?

I haven't insulted her all. Please quote my "insult"?

I haven't berated her at all either, I have been forthright. It would make these discussions so much more useful if people stopped trying to imply that anything that does not support exactly what the OP wants is unsupportive or unkind. It's blatant agenda pushing and an attempt to get posts deleted for spurious reasons.

I don't think I would want to sit on 'a little table'. With a small child it's quite easy for everyone to squash up. Or, if the table is near the main table and not that much smaller/lower than the main one, adults could take turns to sit on the extra table.

I think if stuff like table manners and not being overly fussy about food is important it is crucial to do what you can to make mealtimes enjoyable. There should be conversation, and all efforts made by a child to take part should be praised.

It's difficult if you and you partner have different ideas about childrearing. Did you not discuss this before your partner moved in? What does your partner do for - and/or with your 6 year old that is positive?

I haven't berated her at all either, I have been forthright. It would make these discussions so much more useful if people stopped trying to imply that anything that does not support exactly what the OP wants is unsupportive or unkind.

What one person can accept as forthright, can be very hurtful to another.

You have said to the OP, all in the same post, that you feel "very sorry for her children", that you hope she "remembers this thread" when things go wrong for her in the way you predict, that her parenting style is "being eroded" by her DP, and that you save your wishes of luck for her children.

All because she stated that she preferred other posters advice over your own!

It is most definitely forthright, but given the context, it could be interpreted as bullying.

I could not disagree with you more wakey but that's no surprise and it's something I feel pretty good about. Your post is just another example of your blatant agenda pushing on this board and as such I will give it all the attention it deserves i.e. Not much at all.

I would echo what riverboat said - you get out of a step parenting relationship what you put in. When I had DD I found DSS terribly difficult to deal with, partly because I have severe PND and partly because I just wasn't used to how a 5 year old behaves.
Your DP is the grown up here, he is the one who needs to do the leg work improving this relationship. I found that when I began to engage more with DSS and to praise him our relationship improved no end and we are now very fond of each other. It doesn't mean that I agree with all the ways he is parented by DP and his ex but I do appreciate him and what a lovely boy he is (albeit as infuriating as any 6 year old can be!)

I think you need to listen to what she's telling you regarding the table. It sounds like a silly detail to you, but she is clearly very unhappy with it.

It's very hard to decide, when you have separated from your DCs other parent, and/or introduced a stepparent to their lives, to decide whether their behaviour is "blended family" related or just typical child behaviour.

If the OP and her DDs dad were still together, and on the odd occasion they had her parents for dinner, and put their DD at a small table adjacent to the family, it's quite possible that the DD would winge that it made her feel babyish. Its not necessarily the presence of the DDs stepdad that creates that response. It's also quite possible that one, or more, of the adults present, would respond the way the OP and her DP have done.

The problem is, you never know. All you can do is your best OP, trust your instinct and don't be pressured, by your DP, mum or anyone else, to parent in a way you aren't comfortable with.

If the OP and her DDs dad were still together, and on the odd occasion they had her parents for dinner, and put their DD at a small table adjacent to the family, it's quite possible that the DD would winge that it made her feel babyish.

Yes but then it wouldn't have been occurring against the backdrop of living with an adult whose only communication is to criticise or speak negatively to her, who sees no need for any positive interactions with her and who prefers it when she isn't there. The two scenarios can't be compared.

I don't think the table is an issue, for what it's worth. Surely its normal that when there are 4 adults around the big table, the kid will sit at the smaller adjoining table, and just have to put up with it even if they prefer the bigger table?! It's not all the time anyway...

OP, I think probably parents can get away with more strict/disciplinarian parenting as there is that bond there of unconditional love. When it's a stepparent, that bond just isn't there and I think this approach can't work. I get that your DP thinks he isbjust being consistent with his DSD and his own children, but I really think he has to realise that giving positive feedback and having positive interaction with his DSD is crucial if he wants to also maintain strict household discipline. Otherwise I think DSD has no reason to like him or want to please him and will just resent him.

There do seem to have been a number of changes for the 6 year old.

• Her parents' relationship coming to an end.
• Adjusting to seeing her parents in two different houses.
• Her mother's new partner moving in, and getting used to his expectations and attitudes.
• Acquiring a new sibling

Also adjusting to any new significant relationships in her father's life.

It's quite easy to imagine feeling unsettled and displaced in such circumstances. If her behaviour is actually pretty standard 6 year old behaviour then she's doing well and deserves to be praised. Perhaps small, annoying actions - fussing over food and places at table - should be seen as understandable wish to exert a little bit of control when a great deal has happened which she has no control over at all. While most parents and step-parents rightly believe in there being some boundaries, I am not convinced that 'toughness' is going to be that reassuring for a child who is having to make a good few emotional adjustments.

marianne unless I've missed a post, there's nothing to indicate those are all recent though - in fact, it's unlikely that the DC remembers a time without her stepdad living with them as the OP says she was 4.5 when he moved in.

My DSS was older than the OPs DD when his parents split and he can't remember a time they all lived together as a family.

I'm not saying it's not a valid concern, and new siblings are unsettling for any child regardless of family circumstances. But again, care must be taken not to "overcompensate" for things adults perceive DCs are experiencing as a result of a family breakdown, when in fact, that isn't a factor in the dynamic at all. It often results in DCs with unrealistic expectations of their place in a family and a sense of what is sometimes referred to here on MN as "entitlement". I see it with my own DD in her Dads home; he is forever compensating, whereas I make no allowances, and her behaviour reflects that.

I parent my DD though, DH is in a supporting role only and wouldn't act equally alongside me - and that does make a difference.

As you say childhood memories vary in quantity and quality. I can remember a certain amount from before my third birthday.(We moved shortly afterwards.)

But as a 6 year old the relationship you have with a (step)father figure you have known since you were 4 and a half, will be different from the relationship you have with your birth father (especially if you regularly spend time with the latter.)

I just think both parenting and step-parenting are easier if we listen to what children are saying to us. That doesn't mean letting them rule the roost about everything. Just acknowledging that their emotions - which particularly in the young may sometimes be expressed in indirect ways -are real.

he doesn't seem like he's trying to be a father figure.

Goodness, I hope not - the OPs DD has regular contact with her father, so for stepdad to fill that roll would be inappropriate, just as it is for stepmums to take a "motherly" role.

Lots of children thrive under a detached parenting style, other parents choose a more attached approach, but one is not necessarily better than the other, and it very much does depend on the child.

What is clear is that the OP was not in the least concerned about her DD until her Mum said something, and while it is quite likely that the grandma has her DGD best interests at heart, it may be that the OPs differing parenting style to her own mums is playing a part in her mums opinions. Or, the OP could have a mum like the ones described elsewhere on MN who have very different motivations. It's just not possible to tell from this thread.

Labelling OPs DP as abusive and that she is failing her DD if she doesn't leave him, on the basis of a few words from the DCs grandmother, is a big leap and one that would undoubtedly be scary for any parent to read.