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Original poster

Help needed on the other side of the fence!

115 replies

gingercat2 · 06/09/2014 22:26

I'm mum to my DD age 6, and my DP is step dad. She lives at home two thirds of the time and sees my ExP the rest of the time.

There is no love lost between DD and DP. My mother visited recently and told me that she thought DP was horrible to DD. That he never builds her up and only says negative things.

Well that is true, but not the only side to the story. DD is rude and disrespectful to both me and DP at times. She whines, resists, and argues back. I know that these traits are not unusual in a six year old, and I am trying to help her work on them, and succeeding slowly. DP's intervention is backing me up in these areas.

I also know that DP finds it difficult coping with DD. He is so much more relaxed and cheerful when she is at ExP's.

How do I support them both? I've been reading this board for a while and I know how hard it is for step parents, and the risk of me being a Disney mum.......

OP posts:
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PerpendicularVincenzo · 09/09/2014 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WakeyCakey45 · 09/09/2014 10:21

the stepparent is also there to support and look after the child.

On that we will have to agree to disagree - support and care from a stepparent can sometimes be the most damaging thing for a child.

basgetti · 09/09/2014 10:35

Goodness, I hope not - the OPs DD has regular contact with her father, so for stepdad to fill that roll would be inappropriate, just as it is for stepmums to take a "motherly" role.

There would be nothing wrong with him not wanting a parenting role in these circumstances, since the child has a clearly involved father already. But this isn't what is happening, and he is setting himself up as a parental figure when it suits. He wants the right to criticise and be a disciplinarian to the child without showing her any warmth or kindness at all. Indulging in the negative aspects of parenting without building any kind of positive relationship with her is what is damaging in this case.

basgetti · 09/09/2014 10:38

I wouldn't treat a friend, a neighbour, a partner or even a stranger like this. I would be considered rude and possibly abusive. So why when a young vulnerable child with no choices is treated like this does it just become a 'parenting style?'

PerpendicularVincenzo · 09/09/2014 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WakeyCakey45 · 09/09/2014 10:48

perpendicular a topic for discussion on another thread, I think.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 09/09/2014 10:51

DH is more angsty than me over meal time manners etc. In the end I had to sit him down and show him the evidence for the way I prefer to parent. And he totally got it. He doesn't always remember but meal times are way more relaxed now. It sounds like you are getting very involved in long dialogues about how she is behaving - give her a warning and tell her what the consequence will be if she keeps behaving like that and then follow through. It really works for us. Having said that we have three DC and we don't always remember. But when we do, it really works! We had to agree this strategy before hand - it's never going to work if you are trying to parent in two different ways at once.

Go to B&Q get a hinge and some wood and make an extra leaf for your table. In fact get him to do it and say to DD that he has made this for her.

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2014 10:57

" support and care from a stepparent can sometimes be the most damaging thing for a child."

I'd love to see your theory behind that, Wakey - and your justification.

FlossyMoo · 09/09/2014 11:04

I think you need to start observing the interactions between your DP and DD OP.

Sometimes you cannot see the woods for the trees.

Support, love and care is what makes children thrive. What is damaging to them is indifference, hate, and disregard.

NickiFury · 09/09/2014 11:57

Support and care from a step parent can be damaging?

How so? Examples?

Branleuse · 09/09/2014 12:20

when someone says that theres no love lost between them, im assuming that means that they pretty much dislike each other. That is the crux of the issue.

My dp is my ds1s stepfather, and he is a stricter parent than I am, but no matter how hard work any of the children are and no matter how much it isnt natural for me to be so strict, the love and affection between dp and all of the children shines.
Being strict, without also being loving, is at best pointless and at worst, incredibly damaging.

Your dp needs to build a relationship with your daughter before its too late.
Being whingy at the dinner table is annoying, but ffs, shes 6. Its a work in progress, not an end result, and you cant have a child that wants to please, if noones ever pleased with her anyway.

Branleuse · 09/09/2014 12:22

and if he doesnt, then your responsibility is to your daughter, not to him, whether you love him or not.

WakeyCakey45 · 09/09/2014 20:50

Nicki, Thumbwitch and perpendicular - I've answered your questions in a new thread.

Original poster
gingercat2 · 10/09/2014 00:29

Just been catching up on all the comments. Another thing which just came to mind as I was reading them is that when DP and DD are together without me being around - doesn't happen very often, just a few hours occasionally, both of them report that they got on fine (obviously I don't ask DD for a report, I just listen and observe! ) and DP says she played happily, was polite etc etc.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 10/09/2014 00:32

So clearly by the time we reach the end of the thread all the problems have been justified and explained and looking at your last update don't actually exist at all Hmm.

Wonder why you bothered posting at all really, seeing as everything is actually so rosy.

FlossyMoo · 10/09/2014 00:44

Woods for the trees Nicky.

Original poster
gingercat2 · 10/09/2014 03:52

Nicky, I am reporting your last post as your manner has become aggressive and attacking. I have posted in a discussion forum for helpful ideas. I do not deserve to be attacked and put down for making an effort to do the best thing for my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
gingercat2 · 10/09/2014 03:55

Thank you again to all the posters who have taken time to give me constructive thoughts, it is so helpful.

OP posts:
MexicanSpringtime · 10/09/2014 05:15

Sorry, to join in at this late stage, but I also find it worrying that you say that There is no love lost between DD and DP. And this after a year and a half living together.

I don't think this should be minimized at all and your first duty is to your dd.

MarianneSolong · 10/09/2014 07:32

Am not entirely reassured by the idea that all is well because your partner reports that your daughter 'was polite' in your absence.

I suppose that it's the sort of thing I might comment on (inwardly) when a visiting child came to play. 'Did they say please and thank you?. Was there quarreling over toys. There wasn't. So the child wasn't much trouble and I don't mind if they come again.'

That sort of thing. It's a detached way of making judgments on someone you have no real connection with.

But not with a child who I'd been living with for 18 months, and who I regarded as part of my family. Then I'd be more likely to report back to my partners by saying, 'She told me about her day at school. We played Snakes and Ladders. She said she didn't want pasta so I made her a boiled egg and soldiers, and she ate all the soldiers up.'

FlossyMoo · 10/09/2014 07:53

Ginger there is nothing wrong with Nickis post. I think she is right hence my wood for the trees comment.

You need to stop making excuses for him and listen to your DD. I would also ask your DM to clarify what she means and ask for examples of your DP's meanness towards DD.

Personally I would feel very weary about leaving my child alone with somebody who does not seem to care about them. That's me though I think I have read too many distressing stories in the news.

NickiFury · 10/09/2014 08:27

OP.

  1. Your mother has expressed concerns about your child's relationship with her step dad.
  1. He visibly relaxes when she is not around. "He is more relaxed and cheerful"
  1. He talks about being "tough" on her and his almost one year old.
  1. There's "no love lost" between them"

This is all information YOU have given. During the course of the thread you've agreed only with the posters who agree that this is ok. Your final post describes how everything is actually ok after all.

There is a lot to be concerned about here and I am not the only one who has expressed that strenuously. I am sorry if those opinions of most posters make you feel bad, but every post you write minimises more and more what you wrote in your OP

WakeyCakey45 · 10/09/2014 08:35

nicki you seem very invested in the OPs situation.

If she has used the advice given on this thread to reevaluate the situation in her own family then that's up to her.

There is no one on this thread more qualified to decide what is right for her and her family than she is.

NickiFury · 10/09/2014 08:37

(sorry posted too soon) and that is concerning considering how many red flags are here.

As I said previously, YOUR way of dealing with your dd sounds spot on not that of your hard arse DP.

Your child is SIX. She's little. Nothing you've said indicates behavioural issues with her. Why does your DP talk of being tough with children that cannot possibly need it? At this stage in the childhood. It indicates a certain personality type.

I am sorry that you consider honest appraisal of the information given as "aggressive and attacking". I disagree. My last post was simply an observation that you had done a total about face. Anyway I will leave you to it. Hopefully some of the useful posts on here have given you food for thought and in the future you may remember them and find them useful.

NickiFury · 10/09/2014 08:39

As do you wakey so much so you even started another thread regarding issues raised on it.

Isn't it a good thing that there's so much support for children flying about? I certainly think so anyway Smile