Help needed on the other side of the fence!

[gingercat2]

I'm mum to my DD age 6, and my DP is step dad. She lives at home two thirds of the time and sees my ExP the rest of the time.

There is no love lost between DD and DP. My mother visited recently and told me that she thought DP was horrible to DD. That he never builds her up and only says negative things.

Well that is true, but not the only side to the story. DD is rude and disrespectful to both me and DP at times. She whines, resists, and argues back. I know that these traits are not unusual in a six year old, and I am trying to help her work on them, and succeeding slowly. DP's intervention is backing me up in these areas.

I also know that DP finds it difficult coping with DD. He is so much more relaxed and cheerful when she is at ExP's.

How do I support them both? I've been reading this board for a while and I know how hard it is for step parents, and the risk of me being a Disney mum.......

what is her behaviour like when your dp is not around? and has it significantly changed since he moved in?

it could be that she feels like she isn't getting time with just you but indo agree with your mum that if he is constantly negative towards her then she is going to be disrespectful towards him, respect has to be earned and that goes both ways.

your dp backing you up is great as is the fact you seem to support him telling her off when she is naughty (many don't) but if he isn't then responding to amd complimentary over her good behaviour then she is always going to see him as unwanted in her life.

have you asked her why she behaves like that towards him?

good luck!

I don't know. If he is just being horrible to your DD I would leave him. But if they do get on sometimes then I would work on it. Put down rules for the behaviour, set in stone.

So if she answers back, you can use time out or you can have a strike system where if she answers back 3 times you take away something for a set amount of time.

As soon as the punishment is finished with, you are all to get along as normal and not mention it again. Being constantly put down is something that isn't really very helpful to a 6 year old (or anyone) because they just end up labelled as bad and might as well fulfil that label.

6yos can be a PITA - I have a 6yo DS and he is sometimes rude and disrespectul, cheeky and whiny - it is par for the course. What you need to watch out for though is making this more of a problem between your DD and your DP than it actually is.

Your DD needs to know that she is cared for and supported; her less good behaviours need to be challenged but any good behaviours need to be praised too. Are you praising her good deeds? Or are you allowing your DP to just put her down and be negative all the time, as your mum appears to think?

Remember that you are her advocate, as well as your DP's partner - she is your child and her needs do have to come first. If he can't accept that then he's not good enough to be her stepfather.

"I know how hard it is for step parents"

It's a lot harder for six year olds living with adults that don't particularly like them.

She sounds six not particularly hard work and I am wondering if your expectations maybe somewhat unreasonable. Has your DP, children of his own? I ask because quite often people without children have very unrealistic expectations of small kids.

If you notice that he is visibly more relaxed when dd is not around then be sure that she is noticing that he is stressed around her and may be reacting to that.

Your dd is six she has no choice who she lives with, she's in a position of complete powerlessness. Your post us very much about how your DP and you feel and not much about her at all, which is worrying.

your dp either needs to work on improving his relationship with your child or you need to kick him out. You cant have a man living there who doesn't lile your daughter, no matter how nice he is to you. Shes your daughter and your responsibility. He's just a man. Wise up!

Saying there is 'no love lost between them' suggests that they are somehow equally responsible for the problems in their relationship. But they are not, one is a very young child and one is an adult. The fact is he doesn't like your child and prefers it when she isn't around. I have a 6 year old and wouldn't tolerate that situation for a minute. Put your child first.

As a childless person, adjusting to the realities of having a young child around, in terms of what reasonable expectations are of them, was pretty tough. DSS was 4 when I met him, and I just hadn't been around children that much before, it took me a couple of years to get used to it all and work through issues like feeling annoyed with him when he did typical childish things, adapt to loss of freedom on the weekends he was with us and especially holidays. There was a time I didn't know if the life of being a stepparennt was for me and almost left, but thankfully I worked through it and now I feel pretty contented and appreciate DSS way more than I did before.

Although I hope DSS never realised some of the thoughts I was having (I certainly did my best not to let them show as I always knew my battle was with myself not with him) I definitely went through a phase where I would register all the 'naughty' things he did and not enough of the good things. I didn't really tell him off that much, but I do think I was probably at times giving him more negative feedback than positive. Although DP never said anything, I'm pretty sure he picked up on it too.

It was a gradual process of realising I had unrealisitc expectations of DSS, and also realising how many good qualities he had compared to other children of his age, and in his own right. I also found that the more time I 'invested' in my relationship with him, in terms of taking the time to play games with him etc, the happier I ended up feeling at the end of the weekend, as opposed to doggedly doing my own thing and leaving him to play with DP or on his own. I made a point of praising him or pointing out to DP when DSS had done something good or said something funny. I started to pick my battles in terms of 'naughty' behaviour - let a whole lot more little things slide and just consistently tried to approach one or two things that I really found hard to live with or thought weren't acceptable.

Certainly reading this board helped a lot, and I got a few wake up calls from other SP when I moaned on here about some trivial stuff DSS had done and was firmly told to get a grip!

I don't know what to actually suggest your DP should do, except be very introspective and actually want to make things better. My journey was very personal to me. Could he read some books about stepparenting or parenting as a first step?

Also - I came to realise I was actually very lucky with a generally easygoing DSS and a supportive/non-Disney/reasonable DP who parented prety well. But I have read plenty of posts on here describing children/setups/parenting styles (or lack thereof) that have made me think Id NEVER have stuck around if my situation had been like that!

Every situation is different. You sort of sound unsure in your post if your DD is just a typical kid who is naughty sometimes and your DP isn't coping well, or if she really is consistently difficult and its understandable your DP struggles.

Similarly do you think you really have been too soft before and are now trying to be firmer for good reason, or are you just picking her up on things now for the sake if your DP rather than it being something you actually see as a problem?

I think it's quite hard to get an objective insight into the situation tbh.

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I'll try to answer some of the questions.

DD's behaviour is the same when DP is not around. It's difficult to say if her behaviour has changed since DP moved in. That was over 1.5 years ago, and she has changed so much in age since then. I've also changed the access schedule with my exP so that there is less tooing and froing - partly so that I could more consistently deal with difficult behaviours.

The way she behaves towards him in terms of rudeness such as answering back is the same as she behaves to me. I haven't asked her why she behaves like this..... I've assumed it was part of growing up that needs to be redirected into more appropriate behaviour.

A common example is dinner time. If DD doesn't like some of the foods I've chosen for dinner, she might complain. I/we will reinforce the house rules about dinner time eg make an effort to eat all your food, show gratitude to the cook etc. ......DD will continue to whine and complain, maybe answer back....... consequences will be given eg no dessert. ......it's a joint effort between me and DP but he is definitely firmer in tone and use of words...... I'm a softie and do find out hard to consistently reinforce our household expectations.

I have discussed it with DP. He said he was tougher on his older kids (now teens/adults), and that he will be equally tough on our DD currently aged less than one.

I do praise her lots for her "good" behaviours and efforts, which do far outweigh the "bad". DP doesn't as he thinks it's not necessary or helpful.

The more I hear of your DP, the more I am thinking that HE is the problem here. Anyone who talks in terms of being "tough" on a one year old needs an attitude adjustment combined with his opinion that positive parenting such as praise is unnecessary makes him sound like an authoritarian ass hat and I feel very sorry for your 6 year old dd having to have someone who isn't even related to her have that kind of power in her childhood.

What sort of things is your DP saying and doing to your DD that made your Mum say he was horrible to her?

There is no love lost between DD and DP. My mother visited recently and told me that she thought DP was horrible to DD. That he never builds her up and only says negative things.

Get him gone. Have read your last post and i emphasise my comment GET HIM GONE. He doesnt believe in praise? sounds like a prick with a need to be obeyed.

I think he meant he will be tough on the baby when she is older...... he doesn't do anything that I would consider "tough" with her at the moment.

I think I've always seen it as difference in parenting style. And yes he does definitely have more of the authoritative no-nonsense style.

I think up till now I've seen it as a positive thing to have his firmer hand backing me up, but Mum's comments have got me questioning myself, and I'm really not sure now.

Glad to see you're questioning yourself. You need to for both your children's sake. I understand that he is being "tough" on your BABY right now but it sounds like he looking forward to getting started! What worries me is the lack of flexibility in that, as in ALL kids need tough parenting. They don't, they really, really don't.

You've said he wants to be tough with your children, your Mum says he is negative and nasty to your dd. I think you have something to be worried about here. He doesn't seem to see children as individuals just as a mass that must be corralled and controlled at all costs with him as Top Dog.

Sorry ISN'T being tough on your baby right now.

Basgetti, it was mainly about not whining at dinner time....I can't remember specifics but it was the "same-old" stuff - it's not okay to repeatedly state that dinner is horrible/we know you don't like sitting at your little table, but the big table is full up today/...... that sort of thing. She said there were other comments she had noticed on previous visits too, but she couldn't remember them specifically :(

How sad that he doesn't see praise as necessary or useful! How extremely sad. :(

Are you in contact with his children? How is he with them now?

Well those comments would be fine in the wider context of an otherwise positive relationship. But your DP doesn't like her being around, is actively harsh in his parenting style and sees no need for any praise. I can fully understand your Mum's worries. Why should he get to tell her off so much when he doesn't bother to do any of the good stuff with her?

Would your dp be willing to go to a parenting course? Sounds like he has some pretty outdated ideas about parenting.

You don't reinforce desirable behaviour by constantly harping on a few undesirable behaviours ffs! And in your daughter's case it really does sound like she's well behaved in general, so his toughness is doing nothing but stress her out.

See the dinner thing seems to be a bit... Extreme. At my house, I serve food, DS says he doesn't like it, I say "well you'll eat it" and that's that. I don't think at 6 they understand that they should be grateful for being fed by their parents.

On the other side if I see he genuinely doesn't like something, so if he's tried it, I'll say he doesn't have to eat the one thing he doesn't like. But that doesn't happen often. Usually he'll say "don't like" and I'll say "well you'll eat it" DP will chip in occasionally reminding him to eat when he's daydreaming or fiddling with a toy etc.

OP maybe your Mum's point was that he only ever makes negative comments to her. It must be utterly miserable to live in a household where one member only communicates with you to put you down or tell you off and sees no need for any positive communication. An adult posting about a partner doing this to them would be told it's emotional abuse. But an adult has the choice to leave a situation, a child doesn't.

I reading your posts a bit differently to most, I think.

You've said you and your DP have agreed "house rules" and a joint parenting style and yet you say that "you find it hard to consistently reinforce household expectations". So, you are inconsistent, and your DD is probably taking advantage of that?

As it's fairly likely that your mum, as a grandparent, is even more of a softie than you are, I wonder if her assessment of the situation with your DP is slightly bias?

If your DHs attitude was damaging your DD, she would, after a year and a half, be anything but a "typical" six year old. If it was emotionally damaging her, She'd be displaying signs of lacking confidence, fear of being berated by him, attempting to play you off, maybe being clingy. From what you have described, and other posters have confirmed, her pushing of boundaries is a sign that she is developing at an emotionally healthy rate.

I don't think your DPs attitude is abusive - many parents raise their DCs in the way you have described. But, she is your child, and if you don't want her subject to this kind of parenting, then that is your choice.
It sounds like you need to renegotiate the house expectations with your DP so that you can consistently enforce them. If he isn't willing to compromise, and you're not willing to consistently enforce the expectations you have previously agreed, then it is difficult to see a future for your relationship.

Oh, also, positive reinforcement is extremely important. I was once sent on a parenting course (completely unhelpful and unnecessary but I was jumping through hoops to get my child diagnosed through CAHMS. By the time they had agreed to see me he had been diagnosed for a year and they couldn't do anything anyway, but I digress)

The first thing they said, and the thing they kept saying and drilling into the parents there was the importance of positive reinforcement in helping your child learn how to behave.

I knew that anyway, as do you it sounds like, but the parents there who didn't do that had children who thought they were bad and so behaved bad anyway. It's called a self fulfilling prophesy.

It's also very important to focus on the behaviour of the child, not the child itself. So you tell then the behaviour is bad, not that they're bad, because they're not, they're children learning how to behave and making mistakes.

Wakey did you miss the part where OP said There is no love lost between DD and DP. My mother visited recently and told me that she thought DP was horrible to DD. That he never builds her up and only says negative things.

Well that is true?