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Original poster

Help needed on the other side of the fence!

115 replies

gingercat2 · 06/09/2014 22:26

I'm mum to my DD age 6, and my DP is step dad. She lives at home two thirds of the time and sees my ExP the rest of the time.

There is no love lost between DD and DP. My mother visited recently and told me that she thought DP was horrible to DD. That he never builds her up and only says negative things.

Well that is true, but not the only side to the story. DD is rude and disrespectful to both me and DP at times. She whines, resists, and argues back. I know that these traits are not unusual in a six year old, and I am trying to help her work on them, and succeeding slowly. DP's intervention is backing me up in these areas.

I also know that DP finds it difficult coping with DD. He is so much more relaxed and cheerful when she is at ExP's.

How do I support them both? I've been reading this board for a while and I know how hard it is for step parents, and the risk of me being a Disney mum.......

OP posts:
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crazykat · 07/09/2014 13:31

To me it sounds like a difference in parenting styles. You say your DP has grown up children, its only relatively recently that emphasis has been put on rewarding good behaviour and positive reinforcement. Emphasis used to be on punishing bad behaviour which could account for your DP not praising your DDs good behaviour.

At six my DSD was the same as you describe your dd, as is my six year old dd. The difference is that when I tell my six year old off I'm seen as parenting, when I used to tell DSD off for the same thing I was being mean and picking on her.

If your DP is telling your dd off for the same things you do then have a word with him about trying to praise her good behaviour as well as pulling her up on the bad. As I say, over the last 10/20 years parenting style has changed. It sounds like your DP is using the same style he had for his older children so I wouldn't be leaving him over it especially as she behaves the same when he isn't there.

JeanSeberg · 07/09/2014 13:31

we know you don't like sitting at your little table, but the big table is full up today

Can you explain this comment? Does she even have to sit apart from everyone else at meal times?

I feel very sorry for her, she's being bullied in her own home and her mum's doing nothing about it.

You defend him in all your posts.

Listen to your mum fgs.

basgetti · 07/09/2014 13:32

Only saying negative things to a child is unacceptable parenting regardless of previous agreements or expectations. If the OP's partner is unhappy with aspects of the child's behaviour or thinks boundaries aren't being properly enforced then he can discuss it with the OP. He doesn't get to be a bully to a 6 year old child.

WakeyCakey45 · 07/09/2014 13:38

Equally, if the OP is unhappy with her DPs "parenting", she holds all the cards as she is the child's parent and can intervene.

If she won't enforce the agreed household expectations herself, then she can't expect her DDs behaviour to change.

It's wrong to rely on your DCs stepparent to enforce rules you want enforced in order to avoided being the bad guy - the OP admits she's a softie yet she agreed the rules with her DP, she's just not enforcing them.

basgetti · 07/09/2014 13:41

Equally, if the OP is unhappy with her DPs "parenting", she holds all the cards as she is the child's parent and can intervene.

I agree, and think she should.

DiaDuit · 07/09/2014 13:46

I highly doubt that only offering negative comments and no praise was a joint parenting decision made between OP and her partner. As much as you'd like it not to be the case wakey, this step parent is out of line. His behaviour to the child ant be pinned on OP or the child.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 07/09/2014 13:48

Household expectations Hmm

She's 6. One small child, your small child, not a house full of teenagers from a blended family.

Are they his expectations or yours?

Original poster
gingercat2 · 07/09/2014 13:56

Lots of food for thought here, thank you.

A couple more questions I can answer;
The "little table" problem - our kitchen table is a small four-seater, so when my parents visit, the 4 adults sit at the table, and DD sits at a small plastic table that is pushed up as close as possible to a corner of the big table. She dislikes it and says it makes her feel like a baby, which I sympathize with, but don't have any other solutions for at present.

DP's older kids are lovely - well they don't live with us so I suppose I only see the best sides of them! DP is quite a detached parent to them from my perspective. ... just different from me I guess.

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 07/09/2014 13:59

There is no love lost between DD and DP. My mother visited recently and told me that she thought DP was horrible to DD. That he never builds her up and only says negative things. Well that is true, but not the only side to the story.

There is no 'other side to the story' - she is 6. He is not.

How on earth can you live with a man who doesn't like or love your 6 year old? More importantly, how can you make your DD live with a man who doesn't like or love her :(

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 07/09/2014 14:03

DD sits at a small plastic table that is pushed up as close as possible to a corner of the big table. She dislikes it and says it makes her feel like a baby, which I sympathize with, but don't have any other solutions for at present

Yes, yes you do. Share a 'side' of a table with her on a stool or have her sit on your knee. Buy a table with a 'flip up' side.

It's not about where she sits - it's about how you are making her feel. Unimportant and pushed out :(

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 07/09/2014 14:04

DP is quite a detached parent and this is what you want for your DD's?

NickiFury · 07/09/2014 14:06

She's telling what the problem is and you're ignoring her because she's just a child. It's not important you because you're an adult but that's a big there for a child. I'd take it turns for an adult to eat with her first.

basgetti · 07/09/2014 14:07

Why can't you all shuffle along a bit and let her squeeze in? Poor kid.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 07/09/2014 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 07/09/2014 15:42

so there's been no discernable changes in behaviour toward one or other adult here.

BUT your dm notices that your DP is not nice to her, you've said he doesn't 'do' praise, and that he intends to be 'tough' on his baby too.

this is a conscious decision then! he's shown you who he is.

he's mean to your dd, will be mean to your baby.

what on earth possessed you to have a child with him when there's no love lost between him and your dd. she's known him for as long as she can remember, never got on with her, nor praised her, yet you thought having a kid with him was a good idea.

why did you think that was a good idea?

what the hell is the sitting on the little table business? is he/are you banishing her to eat on her own? no wonder she hates meals/mealtimes, can't you see?

you'll permanently damage this little girl's self esteem if you allow this awful situation to continue.

defend your dc! sort this out now. they can't protect themselves, that's your job.

DiaDuit · 07/09/2014 15:58

Going by the time scale it sounds like the DP moved in after OP was pregnant with the baby so she may not have been privvy to his parenting style before baby was conceived.

JeanSeberg · 07/09/2014 17:33

If I were the father of the 6 year old I'd be going absolutely ape shite about all this.

wheresthelight · 07/09/2014 19:05

I think some people are reading too much into some of the ops clumsy phrasing and venting comments.

wakey has a very good point about the possibility of your dd taking advantage of your inconsistent approach. your dp sounds very like me in attitude and approach although he is way off base over praise.

I very strict over table manners amd food, I cook what I know they like and they either eat it or starve. the dsc's are used to their Dm pandering to their bs amd making several different dinners every night to satisfy the kids.

I think you need to toughen up amd your dp needs to soften up a bit amd understand that a child brought up in a strict household will be used to the expectations whereas a child like your dd who has been brought up with a more relaxed approach won't be and will need handling a little differently

WakeyCakey45 · 07/09/2014 20:02

Some of us are dog mothers, some are cat mothers Grin

like this

Original poster
gingercat2 · 07/09/2014 22:08

Come on, those of you tutting about the table example, imagine an 800mm square table with 4 adults squeezed around it......i dare you to fit a 6 year old in too. Her little table is pushed up to almost touching one corner, and she is facing us. I can touch her head from my seat. Gawd!

I must have a different parenting style to some of you too. Children should be treated kindly at all times, but not given their every whim so that they are precocious brats. If someone has to sit at the kids table, well it makes sense to be a kid!

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 07/09/2014 22:13

Keep burying your head in the sand then.

Original poster
gingercat2 · 07/09/2014 22:14

I appreciate everyone helping me think through the issue. Wakey's, Cakey's, and thelight's perspectives are resonating most with me at the moment.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 07/09/2014 22:20

jesus some people are so rude on here. Ffs what happened to supporting each other?!

ginger I think the parenting styles being so different are causing the biggest issue and perhaps you and dp need to sit down and find a middle ground.

as for the table issues I think people are missing your point om purpose but I also think you need to actually listen to your dd instead of hearing amd dismissing it. she is telling you she doesn't feel like part of the family, you need to take notice and change this ASAP! is getting a bigger table an option? maybe one with a hidden leaf or fold out ones (ikea is your friend) so she can join in?

NickiFury · 07/09/2014 22:47

Where are people missing the point about the table? Considering that all advice with regards to that is exactly the same as the advice you gave.

Coolas · 07/09/2014 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.