Boundaries for the EX and Step Kids when your relationship with your Husband has ended

[areyoustilltalking]

Hi All,

I am sure you remember my previous thread and tale of woe. Well as an update I am now heavily pregnant, and following some great support left my husband and have now petitioned for divorce. Myself and my STBXH get on fine, very amicable split. He lives with his parents, who I still have a decent relationship with. He doesn't have a set access rota for our children as he has to work shifts to enable a shift allowance he needs, so we work it out on an adhoc basis. I personally feel with contact its quality over quantity, so I'd rather he spend an afternoon where hes engaged with them, rather than pile them all off to the inlaws, where he isn't there all weekend.

If you have read my previous thread, you'll remember I did a lot for the SDs. They were quite upset when we split, as to be honest their mum and dad are quite useless. Ex was furious, she knew she would ultimately have to stop palming them off every five mins, going on holiday and not telling us until she was at the airport (fortnight here, three weeks there), and other incredibly irresponsible behaviour. I reassured the SDs it was nothing to do with them, they are welcome to come round if they want to, and I still love them but have a different kind of relationship with their father.

All was fine. Until the ex clicked that as STBXH is single, she would have to have her daughters more. Then it really hit the fan. She emailed me a contact schedule for me to have the girls when STBXH is at work. I don't mind them coming for tea to see their half siblings (my dcs) but Friday until Monday morning alternative weekends, when im heavily pregnant so she 'can still have a life) is not happening. So she told the girls I hate them, they are the reason for our split etc. Not impressed at all. t

She then insisted that my ex have them all weekend, and if hes at work, the inlaws watch them. Didn't go down well, but not my problem. However, she has no decreed, that he is not allowed to have her kids and mine together, as it is unreasonable for her daughters to share time with Dad. My Ex doesn't seem to have said no to this so I'm furious.

Then I had another email asking me what the girls would be receiving from the split. I emailed her back to ask her to clarify what the hell she meant. She said well they have suffered, they need compensating. I said all of the property of theirs, beds, clothing, tablets, toys etc was taken to my ex inlaws with their fathers and that is the end of it. Past that, its none of her business. I was then met with a suggested gift list for birthdays and Christmases for the girls, of over 300 each, as and I quote 'so we are clear what the expectations are with you and their siblings, and your responsibilities to them from the outset.'

I can't quite get over this, its absurd. I can't avoid this lunatic as she deliberately moved five doors down when myself and the ex were together. (She had been cheating on her partner at the time, was discovered, and her and the girls were thrown out so she had to find somewhere pronto) - why five doors down - well it made it easy for us (well me) pretty much do 80% of the care, including school runs where she wasn't out of bed until 11. She still expects me to take her kids to school, despite her not working.

I want to tell her in no uncertain terms where to shove it. However, these girls mean a lot to me, and I don't want them to feel rejected and unwanted. They will always be part of the family, but im sick of being taken advantage of, as I care for them, and that being used against me. STBXH keeps agreeing with me, telling me its out of order, but is yet to do anything about it.

What the hell do I do - how do I approach this, and what should I be doing, if anything now we have split. I know it is different family to family, but I don't know how to approach this. I just want to finish my pregnancy in peace, and re adjust to being a single mum, but don't want the girls to think I have rejected them, and hurt them over this. Boundaries are hard when you are a step mum, what about an ex step mum? The girls will always be around due to my kids, and where they live, what do I do. They keep turning up at my house unannounced as their mother has sent them over, its like nothing has changed since their dad was here.

[Clutterbugsmum]

How you doing areyoustilltalking. I hope things are as good as they can be.

Have you had your baby yet.

[petalsandstars]

Hoping for a joyful Christmas for you OP