Boundaries for the EX and Step Kids when your relationship with your Husband has ended

[areyoustilltalking]

Hi All,

I am sure you remember my previous thread and tale of woe. Well as an update I am now heavily pregnant, and following some great support left my husband and have now petitioned for divorce. Myself and my STBXH get on fine, very amicable split. He lives with his parents, who I still have a decent relationship with. He doesn't have a set access rota for our children as he has to work shifts to enable a shift allowance he needs, so we work it out on an adhoc basis. I personally feel with contact its quality over quantity, so I'd rather he spend an afternoon where hes engaged with them, rather than pile them all off to the inlaws, where he isn't there all weekend.

If you have read my previous thread, you'll remember I did a lot for the SDs. They were quite upset when we split, as to be honest their mum and dad are quite useless. Ex was furious, she knew she would ultimately have to stop palming them off every five mins, going on holiday and not telling us until she was at the airport (fortnight here, three weeks there), and other incredibly irresponsible behaviour. I reassured the SDs it was nothing to do with them, they are welcome to come round if they want to, and I still love them but have a different kind of relationship with their father.

All was fine. Until the ex clicked that as STBXH is single, she would have to have her daughters more. Then it really hit the fan. She emailed me a contact schedule for me to have the girls when STBXH is at work. I don't mind them coming for tea to see their half siblings (my dcs) but Friday until Monday morning alternative weekends, when im heavily pregnant so she 'can still have a life) is not happening. So she told the girls I hate them, they are the reason for our split etc. Not impressed at all. t

She then insisted that my ex have them all weekend, and if hes at work, the inlaws watch them. Didn't go down well, but not my problem. However, she has no decreed, that he is not allowed to have her kids and mine together, as it is unreasonable for her daughters to share time with Dad. My Ex doesn't seem to have said no to this so I'm furious.

Then I had another email asking me what the girls would be receiving from the split. I emailed her back to ask her to clarify what the hell she meant. She said well they have suffered, they need compensating. I said all of the property of theirs, beds, clothing, tablets, toys etc was taken to my ex inlaws with their fathers and that is the end of it. Past that, its none of her business. I was then met with a suggested gift list for birthdays and Christmases for the girls, of over 300 each, as and I quote 'so we are clear what the expectations are with you and their siblings, and your responsibilities to them from the outset.'

I can't quite get over this, its absurd. I can't avoid this lunatic as she deliberately moved five doors down when myself and the ex were together. (She had been cheating on her partner at the time, was discovered, and her and the girls were thrown out so she had to find somewhere pronto) - why five doors down - well it made it easy for us (well me) pretty much do 80% of the care, including school runs where she wasn't out of bed until 11. She still expects me to take her kids to school, despite her not working.

I want to tell her in no uncertain terms where to shove it. However, these girls mean a lot to me, and I don't want them to feel rejected and unwanted. They will always be part of the family, but im sick of being taken advantage of, as I care for them, and that being used against me. STBXH keeps agreeing with me, telling me its out of order, but is yet to do anything about it.

What the hell do I do - how do I approach this, and what should I be doing, if anything now we have split. I know it is different family to family, but I don't know how to approach this. I just want to finish my pregnancy in peace, and re adjust to being a single mum, but don't want the girls to think I have rejected them, and hurt them over this. Boundaries are hard when you are a step mum, what about an ex step mum? The girls will always be around due to my kids, and where they live, what do I do. They keep turning up at my house unannounced as their mother has sent them over, its like nothing has changed since their dad was here.

I'm really pleased it has come to a head. It would have done so much earlier if they hadn't had you around being a good person and picking up their slack, so I'm not sure what he is ranting and raving about.

Your ex sounds like a complete knob btw. Anyone that rants and raves at a heavily pregnant woman with a blood pressure problem, is a selfish dick.

I really feel for you op, you're surrounded by self serving idiots from the sounds of it. You did the right thing for your SD's, hope you are doing ok

Thanks superworm, I feel incredibly guilty that it has taken eldest sd to get a horrible burn on her arm, and a hospital visit for this to be sorted out. Even the social worker said you couldnt help being in hospital, and it needed to happen, as if I hadnt have saw for myself what was going on, and the extent of it, i wouldnt have believed it.

At least now I have passed all the documentation on, and its out of my hands now. To a point. They have a social worker who will look out for them. I keep getting 'would you let them go into care' from the exs family and him, but if they did that wouldnt be down to me, but him/them. I have done all I can do. Eldest SD kept asking for me at the hospital, and asked to come here, and burst into tears when she saw me, and wouldnt leave my side, which was heartbreaking.

Ill always be there for them, but I have to be realistic. The worst bit has happened now, I just want them settled and happy - however that happens x

keep getting 'would you let them go into care' from the exs family and him The only people who would be responsible for that would their parents not you who has done more for your SD's then their own parents.

But you have to put you and your children and baby first, as much as you love/care for your SD's you can not take them on full time with all their issues.

I honestly can't believe this, I am in awe of you, and so disgusted by your ex it's unreal.
All that has happened and he is still putting pressure on you! for you, you are amazing.

Any intention I had of being friendly and flexible in terms of our split has gone, I despise him now, and his ex, more so even than I did before. I was asking for support and help from the father of my children, and all he has done is suit himself and let a bad situation with his kids get to a nightmare. I feel most for my kids, who will never get the father they deserve due to a mix of his selfishness, his ex, his parents, and his daughters needs. I think I will have enough on with four kids, including one newborn, so his family demanding I help with respite is a joke. Im not saying I wont see them, but on my terms not theirs.

They are so selfish, they know I am struggling, and think nothing of me having another two kids to feed, with no offer of maintenance, or help with shopping, or even him coming over to help out with meal, bath and bed times. I can cope but its beyond the point, im not long out of hospital and not a single thank you from any of them.

My Mum has done her nut, and called him all the names under the sun - to his face at one point - no kids around thank god. At least the social worker will be around to put her foot up his backside, though how he can moan about being on his own with two, when im on my own with four, is a joke.

Just huge huge huge hugs and I really hope that your SDs and you from now on get the support you all deserve.

The girls will always love you and know that you were there for them when no-one else was, f*ck the rest of them x

If you read this (and your previous threads) in a book you'd think 'Nah, too far fetched' FFS they are all one god awful nightmare :(

Thank you for all of the support ladies, I truly appreciate it. Been feeling quite down and stressed, and you have all been wonderful. Latte - I know right, even Eastenders would give me a swerve lol. Wish it was a book, you can put a book down or give it away if you don't like it, im stuck.

So SDs mum, instead of sorting her shit out to get her kids back and the social worker on side, has decided for the past two nights to go out drinking and wake the entire street up at 3am singing on her way past my house. Fucker. The Police turned up last night to have words with her, so no doubt the social worker will be aware. Its like she doesn't actually want them back.

Positive note, younger SD has not wet the bed once since shes been here. I spent some time looking online, and found some sites related to autism and bedwetting, and started a reward chart, and its really working, im so proud of her. Both are concentrating better at school (this was the schools telling the social worker they can see a difference since they've been removed) and have done homework with no rows. Very little homework completed last year for either of them so really chuffed. Elder SD has even helped out around the house, has been shown how to put her dirty clothes in the washing machine and turn it on, and has done so without being asked, including her sisters stuff, washed up, helped with dinner, been fabulous in general. Both of their hygiene has improved, I am having to remind both to brush their teeth etc but they are like different kids.

I've had some help with the school runs from ex BIL and one of my school mum friends, which has been brilliant. School mum friend has just found out her husband has had an affair, and has buggered off, so was struggling to do the school run due to being at work (her ex usually did it) so she takes them in the morning, I pick up and do tea at night, its working well. This means I have time in the morning to get eldest SD to school and get back and do jobs. Eldest SD is dropped back by her friends Mum, which is a massive help.

As for the dick I once called my husband but I shall now refer to as the 'twunt' is useless, but we knew that. Has now decided he doesn't need leave his job, but work part time hours. Work have agreed apparently, but no sign of a flat/house or when these part time hours will start. MIL is reluctant to have the girls at hers, but not my problem to sort out. The girls don't seem to want to talk to him, and are ignoring him when they come round. I've told him he needs to work on that, show some interest, make some effort, with all the kids. He spent an hour crying down the phone last night, his life is a mess, he cant cope, he doesn't know what to do - blah blah, fix up, turn up and make an effort sunshine. The social worker is helpful when you can get hold of her.

So the saga continues. Have meeting re divorce tomorrow with my solicitor, and I wont even mention uni, sore subject, but im still here, still pregnant, still breathing - but thanks again for all of the support x

Urgh I wonder how much practical and financial support you could get which would enable you to take them on, you are so much the best option for them. Would twunt fork out for a nanny to help you????

How are you feeling about the pregnancy now? If I remember right he forced you into keeping it didn't he?

I'm cautiously asking about Uni - because it and you are important in all of this

He spent an hour crying down the phone last night - don't ever let him do this again. Never. His fuck ups, his problem - you have more than enough on your plate without his shit being dumped on you too x

Right - the girls. Is there anyway you would consider adopting them and having them permanently? I think it is their only chance of having a decent life - but it would be a huge commitment from you and would certainly come with a fair bit of drama with ex and ex's ex both around... but if you love them like your own, you have to at least consider it don't you. If you can't do it, then maybe consider going 'no contact' with them - I think anything in between will (sadly) probably just cause more grief for everyone :(

Thanks Random and Latte - twunt is a no go for any kind of support. He hasn't been forthcoming so far, though I suspect that is because instead of sitting and focusing on what he needs to do, is running around, giving it 'woe is me, my wife has kicked me out, my kids are in temporary care, my ex this, my dad has had a stroke' to every one and any one who will listen.

Ex FIL is actually doing really well since the stroke. He is a bit scared to be left on his own as he thinks he'll have another one, but he is on the road to recovery. I went and sat with him a couple of times this week, so EX MIL could go shopping, while the kids were at school. Then showed her how to do a Tesco shop online in case she cant get out. This is more than my EX H has done despite him living there. He could be doing a lot more to help out both them and me but isn't. If he can find time for fucking golf, he can find the time to do some shopping/help clean up for his mum, seeing as hes living there for free, or come and help out his heavily pregnant ex wife and all of his kids. Like I said hes a twunt.

As for him paying for a nanny, I barely get maintenance let alone a Nanny. Hes contributed nothing for the new baby and equipment, nothing for the kids since they've all been here, or my kids and things like sports kits etc. But can pay out over 600 quid for a golfing break next year.

The social worker seems very keen on EXH having the girls, though I think shes starting to see hes a joke. Shes been going on about supporting him to have them, as get this, earlier this evening, the social worker rang and their mother has decided she doesn't want the girls back, and is making noises about moving abroad with her cousin or some nonsense. Either way wants them either with ex or in care, not bothered either way, but she doesn't want them back as she 'cant cope'. I'm praying the girls don't find out shes said this, as I could kill her. Those girls deserve better.

EXH is unlikely to take them tomorrow, as hes 'unprepared'. Makes me laugh as I didn't have time to prepare at all, they arrived, that was that, but I made it work. So I reckon I've got them another week at least. But I don't want them feeling rejected or pushed from pillar to post, so whatever. EX BIL is helping out with school runs, which is fab, and I have arrangements in place which will hold for a bit longer. I have however had my ex round tonight, and told him he needs to take the CHB and Tax Credits from her and put them into his name if hes taking them, or I will do it, as they wont feed themselves. Plus it grates me she is getting money to support kids she is openly saying she doesn't want. He is going to talk to the social worker, and will get on it pronto I have said I need extra financial and practical support, he has said he can provide financial and will help out when he can in the mean time. Pah we'll see. Ill talk to the social worker, there must be some help out there for situations like this.

As for baby and uni well........ - Uni - my exams were a disaster. Didn't have time to revise with all of this going on, and was in hospital for two of them. Have been placed on temporary leave until next year, where I will sit them without residence (library access, systems access etc) then go back in sept 15. In a way with a baby not a bad thing, but would have managed and gutted it came to this. Baby, im feeling good about. She has some problems, she is very small, and has some problems picked up on scan, so will be a trying time when shes here, but we'll get through.

Need to sort all of this out by the time baby gets here. EX BIL, my mum, friends, family are all on stand by to help out. My ex will have to step up as well, and the social worker has said if they girls are still here (which I made clear they'd better not be, but we'll see) she will bend over backwards to help while im in hospital and recovering. The social worker is lovely as it happens. Have hospital tomorrow for scans and consultant appointments, so hoping all goes well.

Seriously thank you to everyone who has read my ramblings and offered support. This board isn't always nice, but I have encountered some lovely women on here, and had support I haven't had in real life. A genuine thank you from a stressed, confused and very round lady (I say lady, im female at least) lol x

Presumably exdh can stop,paying the maint to first wife for the girls and pay it to you ? Can SS pay you a fostering fee ?

I think you're doing great and am so pleased these girls have you looking out for them as their natural parents won't seem to want to

Ive said this to my ex about the maintenance - he has agreed, but we'll see. Im not asking for loads, and its on principle as well, but even if he did a bit of food shopping, or contributed to my additional fuel costs with all the school runs (three different schools, all start and finish at the same time - eldest sd at big school, younger one at another, my kids at another). I know ive had help with the school runs but it all adds up, the additional washing etc. Makes me sound tight, but I've got to be careful with another baby on the way, and being on maternity leave, and going through a divorce. Plus his girls eat like you wouldn't believe.

I need to talk to the social worker, as I presume nothing was discussed as they were only meant to be here a week, but I cant see it being a week. She is coming out tomorrow afternoon - as my ex has just informed me hes informed her he cant take them yet, so no doubt this is why shes coming. I despair, their mum doesn't want them, their dad is a pillock, no wonder they have been acting out. Even EX BIL commented on how different they are - I felt like saying its because they feel wanted and looked after and it goes a long way x

I've been reading your posts since your last thread and I wanted to tell you how amazing you are

Your kids are lucky to have you, your stepdaughters are obviously thriving now they're with you (and it's only been a week!)

I have no advice - you're doing a wonderful job, although I do worry that it might be too much for you to take on full custody of your SDs right now. Maybe exMIL will have to have them clearly their idiot father isn't up to the task

Gosh what a saga! You sound amazing coping with all that and staying sane too. Hope things calm down a little for you very soon....

Like everyone else, I admire you greatly .

A couple of specific bits of advice - if you are thinking of taking the girls long term, do NOT even think about adopting them. You need to do this on a fostering basis .

The best thing woudl be to get the local authority to train and approve you as a foster carer. Then you will get a get a generous allowance for expenses plus a wage element.

If you are a " kinship carer" you only get the allowance I think.

This woudl depend on the children being Looked After by social services . You get these allowances instead of child benefit and tax credits , but they are much more money. Also you get support from the LA, training, respite etc.

So it's NOt at a private arragement between your ex and you, the children are placed with YOU by SS. FWIW, they won't have lots of carers desperate to take on two teenaged girls . Most FC prefer younger children

if you adopt them you get nothing, you are on your own and you will get all the blame for any problems the children have . DONT DO IT. Don't even mention the word !

There are several websites which can advise on kinship carers . There are many grandparents who have taken on their grandchildren due to their parents problems with drugs /alcohols/mental health problems and there is good advice out there on legal and financial aspects.

I realise that keeping the kids is probably not your long term plan, but I thought I woudl mention it, as someone down the thread suggested adoption . And in case there is anyone reading this is in a smilar situation.

I think you need to tell social services you cannot afford to feed them so unless they sort out the finances they will have to take them into care - they may suddenly get you emergency kinship allowance etc. You can do private fostering too.

Does you STBXH have a credit card? Get him around and get him to pay for a huge on-line shop!!!!

If you aren't careful you could become the DSCs foster mother by default. The longer they are with you the harder it will be for you to give them up to foster carers, which I believe will be what will happen because your ex is useless.

While they are being cared for SS will just let you, it saves them the trouble and expense of dealing with the situation.

You have enough on your plate with your own DCs and the one to come. Please don't allow yourself to be forced into the position of becoming the DSCs full time carer.

You're an amazing woman talking I would have crumbled long ago.

I agree adoption isn't the best way forwards. Looked after children have better education and housing opportunities as adults that they would lose otherwise. Plus foster carers are supported financially and their health needs are prioritised which sounds important for SD2.

How did it go with SS?

Kristina it was me that suggested adopting them, it just feels like that would give them the stability that they need, but you are right, (of course!) that the OP would get more money fostering them, so it's probably the best thing to do, IF she feels she can do anything.

God Areyou - what a development! I'm so sorry that you've been landed with your DSDs but you are an utter heroine for taking them in, you really are. Their "mother" - well urgh, I can't really say what I want to or I'm likely to be roundly flamed and deleted.
As for your STBEx - god, what a twunt indeed!

If they're currently being helpful and you think there is any chance of this behaviour continuing (and I feel so sorry for them, poor girls), is it worth considering keeping them as long-term foster children? I mean, the oldest girl is nearly of an age where she could be useful in terms of looking after the younger ones (possibly not her own sister so much, but your DC) and helping you out more - do you think there's any possibility of that?

I completely get that you already have enough on your plate, but if they helped you more than added to your current burdensome situation, it might be good to keep them around for your sake as much as theirs, I don't know.

I'd dearly love to give your stbex a good slap though for complete selfish fecklessness. I know his parents are probably to blame for him being that way, but they're reaping what they sowed now, aren't they! :(

Thanks again everyone for all of your support, it has been fantastic and posting is helping to keep me sane.

I honestly am shocked by the hate I now have for both my ex and his ex. I have never been so mortified by the behaviour of two adults in my life. I could not imagine walking away from my children, simply because things were difficult. But the pair of them are disgusting in every sense of the word.

My solicitor is having a field day with my ex. It is making me feel positive, I am literally pouring all of my hate and bad feeling into my divorce, as the sooner I stop being financially and legally tied to this bell end the better. Then I will manage being tied through the kids, though this will be handled carefully.

I have done a few things over the past two days that has made my ex literally shake with rage. First was make it know I am actively pursuing a divorce. He thinks i'm being insensitive and trying to push him into a breakdown. Well no I am not, but hey ho, would be a bonus, as hes pretty useless so far.

Second was telling him I don't want him present when I give birth. I want my Mum in with me, then he can come and visit baby, by himself, when we are on the ward. I want to feel comfortable and not anxious, and above all secure. Its my body and my c section and I'll do whats best for me, seeing as ive been left handling the kids, including his, the pregnancy and all of the appointments by myself. He fumed and swore at me repeatedly, made threats, said he was going to be there, like it or not. The hospital have assured me, if he turns up he'll be shown out.

Thirdly, I have agreed to take the girls on for the next seven weeks at least. I am being assessed by social services for them to be placed here, in a foster placement, though it was described as kinship care or something. The social worker promised additional allowances, support, respite the world, as she said that she would have trouble placing them with foster carers, and they seem settled. She thinks the assessment wont be a problem, We'll see.

I wish I knew how I feel about all of this. I want to do right by these girls as no one else is, at all. I am scared by what i'm taking on, i'm stressed, anxious, fed up, angry etc all at the same time. I'll keep going because I have to, but I hate that these two idiots who are supposed to be parents, just turned their back as it didn't suit them to step up and love these children. I am left picking up the pieces.

Though I did have a surprising visit from the girls maternal grandmother tonight. Her and her daughter (the ex) don't get on and havent spoken in about 18 months. She came and asked to see the girls and they seemed pleased to see her. (Elder SD opened the door, started shrieking, then cried, so I let her in). She asked what had happened, as she heard from the neighbours that the girls were here. So I told her, literally everything. I kept it factual, and she said she would have had them but she is recovering from chemo. I was stunned and felt sorry for her. She has said she will help out in whatever way she can, and said, quite seriously that she was grateful for what I am doing. She also said my ex is a shit, and shes disappointed in the pair of them - ditto.

Hurrah for social services seeing sense and for the dds Grandma. Amazing isn't it that she's sought you out to check up on the dds when their parents haven't

I am so proud of you, whatever sh*t you go through with the dds in the future know that they will always remember that you loved them and put them first when their parents didn't. As for the e-twunt words fail me as to him being enraged at you wanting to go ahead with the divorce and not wanting him there at the birth - what planet is he on!!!

Thank you Random, welled up there a bit. I was shaking with rage during that row. He kept banging on about his 'rights' as a father to be there, I said how can you bang on about your rights as a father, when you ignore your responsibilities, and allow me to pick them up. He is a dick. I wont back down. I have no respect for him and see dealing with him as a chore.

The girls maternal grandmother is lovely. She has always been friendly whenever I've seen her. Things got awkward with her daughter when she told her to start putting her kids first. The ex has four kids in total, two younger than the SDs, and they went to live with their Dad a while back. Shes mortified that daughter has let all her kids go. Ex hasnt seen or spoken to her younger kids in months so I'm not holding out hope that she'll make an effort with the SDs.

She has offered to have the SDs when I go in to have the baby, which is helpful. I'll need to talk to the SW, but I think if she wants to actually be there for them, then any link to their biological family that isnt toxic is a good thing. The SDs have very little family on EX side, shes an only child and her Dad died when she was younger, so its literally her and her Mom. Plus SDs loved seeing their Nan, so I wont stand in the way. The poor lady has just been through chemo, I'm not adding to her misery. Plus any help is a god send.

I think you just have to accept htat their Mum has some huge huge issues/addictions going on and write her off. Sounds like grandma will be a good person to have in their lives and it may give her a huge amount of comfort to be as involved as she can be health permitting.

Grab all help with both hands. Not sure what you were studying but you sounds like a woman with a huge amount of love and care to give I really do appauld you.